AIBU about BIL? Or are we in the wrong?

[Livingtothefull]

We have a DS (13 years) who is severely disabled, has severe learning difficulties & is confined to a wheelchair. A few months ago we went to visit my DSis and BIL in their house. They had just been on holiday and were talking to my DS about it.

My BIL gave DS some things about the holiday to look at…to be honest I don't recall what these items were but believe they includedbooks and maps about the country they had been to. Apparently (BIL claims) among these were a couple of books that he wanted to loan to DS. He has now indicated to us that he wants them back.

This all started when BIL called a few weeks ago and spoke to me. He mentioned both the titles by name/author & asked if I could give them back to him when we saw them next. I said I couldn't recall the titles & he was adamant that we had them so I said I would look. We had a look & all I could find was a map of the country they had been to, nothing else.

A couple of weeks later my Dsis spoke to me about them & I confirmed I wasn't able to find them. I explained that it is very difficult to keep track of everything as we are so busy & DS was travelling constantly between home, school & therapy; but to the best of my knowledge we didn't have the books. SIL said not to worry & there was a good chance that we had never had them & that BIL had form for wrongly claiming other people had books of his which then turned out to have been on his bookshelves all along.

What has really upset us today is that we have received their Christmas card addressed to DS, sent since the conversation with Dsis. BIL has written in the card on the left hand side opposite the greeting: 'Please ask your Mummy to find/give back these books (listing titles/authors/publication dates)'.

DH is absolutely livid & said I am lucky he doesn't get straight on the phone to have it out with DSis and BIL. He wanted to burn the card but we have compromised & put it away in a drawer, I don't particularly want it out on display.

To be honest, I don't remember what BIL gave DS, also I didn't know that BIL was so anxious to have the items back. I am not excusing this but people often give things to DS to look at/play with, & I am assuming that people would not lend things to a disabled child that they would need to have back; only things they would have no further use for. I don't even remember the word 'lend' being used. I don't feel that we can take responsibility for such things as we have a lot on our plates (both DH and I work full time as well as caring for our DS and we both have health issues of our own).

I certainly don't remember BIL saying that he would definitely need the books back as they were precious to him; if he had, I would probably have refused to take them & told him that I wouldn't want to take responsibility for these. I assumed that BIL would understand not to entrust precious things to a child but then BIL and DSis don't have children.

I am feeling really upset now. We are due to see the whole family on Xmas day and I am worried that BIL will start on again about the books. I want to have a nice day not for us to be harangued about this. I could offer to pay for the books but I am not sure if we ever even had them & DH is strongly against us having to do this. BIL seems to consider them as precious/irreplacable anyway don't want to complain to my DM as don't want to drag her into this, she is elderly….so I don't know quite how to handle this.

I would text him and say not only is he wrong about the dates, he is wrong about everything. You do not have the book, you have never had the book. And I would say I was sorry that the book is more precious to him than family members, as he knows his continued harping on about a book has added stress to lives that are already overloaded with anxiety. I'd finish by saying I will buy him a replacement copy, but that the cost of this item is huge - and that you are not talking about monetary value, but about loss.

He is trying to lay a guilt trip on you - lay one back on him. that's the only sort of language someone like this is going to comprehend. For him it is a (supposedly) treasured book. For you it is the last straw.

BTW - is this an easily obtained book, or is it a rare first edition? For some reason I suspect the former.

Apparently the book is irreplaceable as it is out of print and BIL had annotated it. If he had said how important it was I am sure I would have refused to accept it tbh, would have suggested that DS look at it whenever he was there.

DS can't read much more than his own name anyway so unless it was full of pictures there wouldn't be any point in having it.

Yes BIL may come back and say that the date was wrong, but he was very specific about all his facts….so as he seems to be wrong about this we are entitled to question everything

It's going to turn up on his bookshelf isn't it. I wonder if he'll ever admit it to you when it does, probably not.......

I have just read the update. This is just madness. Who lends a precious, out of print book with personal annotations to a 13 year old.

Why is he doing this? If he is being such an arse about it being lost I bet he wouldn't have given it up without a giant fuss in the first place.

Is it expensive and he is trying to get someone else to pay for his mislaid book? Or is he just being a total and utter arse?

You should give us the name of the book. The power of mumsnet could source you a copy and then we could come up with a few choice annotations as well.

I agree, PTAblues!

Yes BIL may come back and say that the date was wrong, but he was very specific about all his facts

Who cares if he comes back - this conversation is going the way of 'if he can prove enough facts then you will finally crack'. Shut this down and don't engage in a discussion about it.

Putting that note on DS's card was totally inappropriate. It would have been just as inappropriate to put such a note on anyone's card asking them to 'tell' another person to return something. To put such a thing on any child's card is beyond the pale.

Perhaps BiL's 'mystery deepens' comment refers to him now doubting himself and wondering where the book actually is? I think that's what I'd 'assume' and treat it as if he's seen the error of his ways. I think I'd sent a message saying 'Mystery deepens indeed! At least you now realize that we do not have your book! Good luck in solving the mystery!' with a smiley face. Too PA?

If he is still on his hobby-horse when he comes back, I think I'd just say that you have searched the house, the car, and the garden shed from top to bottom and that you do not/never had the book. That you are sorry he lost the book, but you will not discuss it further, and for the sake of peace in the family at Christmas, he needs to drop it. And that your mother deserves a peaceful holiday with ALL her family.

You and your Dh need to decide if you're going to continue engaging in this drama or if you're going to shut it down and try to have a happy family Christmas. A lost book and a message in a Christmas card really don't merit all this upset. I understand you have a lot of stress and upset, and this felt like the straw that broke the camel's back but it doesn't need to be.

If your first response to your BIL was the same as your initial post on here then he obviously thought you might have the book because you weren't definite in your response. I'm not saying that's your fault. It isn't but it explains why your BIL thinks you have had the book and either lost it or aren't returning it.

Call your DSIS and mend your relationship. She really can't take responsibility for you crying over this matter. She has done nothing wrong.

If your DH and DBIL can't put it aside for Christmas Day then tell them both not to come to your DM's for dinner. They need to move on from their perceived grievances and actually put you, your DSIS, your DM and your DS first by ensuring you all have a happy family Christmas together.

He sounds erm anal.

Its his own fault, if he didn't tell you or dh he was lending them.

So, this irreplaceable, out of print, personally annotated book has allegedly been missing since the spring, i.e. several months ago, and BIL hasn't mentioned it until very recently? Presumably there was no conversation about whether your DS was enjoying the book, otherwise the issue of its whereabouts would have been raised much earlier.

He sounds a bit bizarre, really.

Your BIL sounds like a dick.

How old is BIL?

We did not realize it at the time, but accusing other people of taking stuff is an early sympton of dementia, as they rewrite history in their minds to explain why they cant find something.

My mum had elaborate stories about people taking stuff from her house, and accusing people too. Then we would find the items in the strangest places.

Perhaps his books are somewhere totally weird nobody would think to look. Like in the larder, or wine cellar, or other place where books are never stored.

Hi Quintless, it is possible & I know it can be a symptom but have not been made aware of any such condition. I just feel at the moment that BIL is trying to make this my problem & I don't think it is appropriate.

I don't feel I have done anything to provoke this drama & would much rather we were able to bring the matter to a close.

You're right - it isn't your problem. No matter how much he wants to make it yours. Tell him that.

"there is no mystery involving us. We do not have the book. We have never had the book. We have done nothing to provoke this drama and would appreciate you dropping the whole matter. Hope you find where you put your book."

Don't accept responsibility - just keep telling him you do not have the book. Repeat, repeat, repeat. if necessary, ask him why he imagines your DS would have any interest in this book as it is not the sort of thing that holds any sort of attraction for him - which BIL should be very aware of. He's being incredibly insensitive towards your DS's condition.

From the POV of your sis and BIL, you are massively overreacting, because they don't have the full picture on the stress you are under.

You and your DH need to stop treating your sister as a go between. Any communication about the books, do it directly with your BIL. Meanwhile talk to your sister about the pressure you are under, open up and be honest. Don't drag her into the books thing but do explain that you're finding it hard to cope.

Iunderstand that this is the straw that broke the camel's back but don't let it become something which causes family division. Your family care about you, be honest with them about how hard you're finding it and seek support from them.
Or, if you don't want to do that, then don't expect them to understand when you overreact to what seems to them to be a small thing.

"SIL said not to worry & there was a good chance that we had never had them & that BIL had form for wrongly claiming other people had books of his which then turned out to have been on his bookshelves all along."

I feel this comment by your sister is VERY important.

"Apparently the book is irreplaceable as it is out of print and BIL had annotated it. If he had said how important it was I am sure I would have refused to accept it tbh, would have suggested that DS look at it whenever he was there."

"DS can't read much more than his own name anyway so unless it was full of pictures there wouldn't be any point in having it."

It makes no sense that he would 'lend' this precious item to your son, since your son could not appreciate its preciousness. No sense at all. I suspect your BIL would not respond to this logic, but your sister should. And I would definitely harp on about his 'form'. BIL's obsession with this book is very odd, and it may well be that there are underlying reasons for this. Regardless, it is not your problem.

I think other posters are correct, that you should let your DSis know about the pressures you are under, and that this is why something so apparently trivial has upset you so much.

I suppose it is trivial…..I said in my message that if things were different I might be able to shrug it off but as it is I just can't. I actually feel devastated, have been crying all day today & yesterday about this, have had to care for DS the whole time.

He's obviously wrong with his "facts" and as others said, it makes no sense to loan such a precious book to a child that could not read it.

I would reply to BIL's e-mail, copy DSis in on it and say "There is no need to get in contact with us about this on your return. As far as we are concerned the matter is closed. We did not meet on the date you claim and you wouldn't have given, nor indeed would we have accepted, a precious book for a child that cannot read... you are clearly mistaken. I'm sorry you cannot find your book but, again, we DO NOT have it.

I hope you both had a lovely trip."

And hopefully that's the end of it. If it's not, if he claims he had the dates wrong and it was actually X... say "No. We do not have it. I suggest you try and remember who you actually gave it to or try asking other friends/family." and "our answer will not change. We don't have it, we never had it. Give it a rest."

Honestly just tell him to jog on. If it was important he shouldn't have given it to your DS.

It isn't trivial.
Your DS will never be able to read and enjoy books line this. BILs insensitivity is astonishing and his belligerence over the trivial matter of a book when you and your DH have to cope with your DSs condition are massively cruel.

I bet you and DH would love a holiday to recharge your batteries before Christmas, but you can't because your DS needs you. And that a missing book would be a mere nothing in your lives.

This isn't really about a book, is it? It's about your family, what you are living through every single day and the trivialisation of that by BIL.

Yes KatieKaye that's it, we have so much on our plates and I feel that to be put under pressure by members of my own family is a step too far. We very rarely get to go on holiday, we are constantly under so much pressure that I feel I could explode. To give BIL his dues I actually don't believe he intended to be cruel…but I feel I can't handle this situation. I can't believe it has come to this.

I might respond like that sykadelic, need this situation to be brought to a close.