AIBU about BIL? Or are we in the wrong?

[Livingtothefull]

We have a DS (13 years) who is severely disabled, has severe learning difficulties & is confined to a wheelchair. A few months ago we went to visit my DSis and BIL in their house. They had just been on holiday and were talking to my DS about it.

My BIL gave DS some things about the holiday to look at…to be honest I don't recall what these items were but believe they includedbooks and maps about the country they had been to. Apparently (BIL claims) among these were a couple of books that he wanted to loan to DS. He has now indicated to us that he wants them back.

This all started when BIL called a few weeks ago and spoke to me. He mentioned both the titles by name/author & asked if I could give them back to him when we saw them next. I said I couldn't recall the titles & he was adamant that we had them so I said I would look. We had a look & all I could find was a map of the country they had been to, nothing else.

A couple of weeks later my Dsis spoke to me about them & I confirmed I wasn't able to find them. I explained that it is very difficult to keep track of everything as we are so busy & DS was travelling constantly between home, school & therapy; but to the best of my knowledge we didn't have the books. SIL said not to worry & there was a good chance that we had never had them & that BIL had form for wrongly claiming other people had books of his which then turned out to have been on his bookshelves all along.

What has really upset us today is that we have received their Christmas card addressed to DS, sent since the conversation with Dsis. BIL has written in the card on the left hand side opposite the greeting: 'Please ask your Mummy to find/give back these books (listing titles/authors/publication dates)'.

DH is absolutely livid & said I am lucky he doesn't get straight on the phone to have it out with DSis and BIL. He wanted to burn the card but we have compromised & put it away in a drawer, I don't particularly want it out on display.

To be honest, I don't remember what BIL gave DS, also I didn't know that BIL was so anxious to have the items back. I am not excusing this but people often give things to DS to look at/play with, & I am assuming that people would not lend things to a disabled child that they would need to have back; only things they would have no further use for. I don't even remember the word 'lend' being used. I don't feel that we can take responsibility for such things as we have a lot on our plates (both DH and I work full time as well as caring for our DS and we both have health issues of our own).

I certainly don't remember BIL saying that he would definitely need the books back as they were precious to him; if he had, I would probably have refused to take them & told him that I wouldn't want to take responsibility for these. I assumed that BIL would understand not to entrust precious things to a child but then BIL and DSis don't have children.

I am feeling really upset now. We are due to see the whole family on Xmas day and I am worried that BIL will start on again about the books. I want to have a nice day not for us to be harangued about this. I could offer to pay for the books but I am not sure if we ever even had them & DH is strongly against us having to do this. BIL seems to consider them as precious/irreplacable anyway don't want to complain to my DM as don't want to drag her into this, she is elderly….so I don't know quite how to handle this.

Ok if you don't normally give presents, then you're right you shouldn't start now.
From previous threads I seem to remember that your Dsis is a nice person. Give her a ring and explain why you're upset - it sounds like her DH has form for this and she'll understand.

I know I need to talk to DSis rookie and will call her. I am worried though about causing problems between her and BIL…can't help feeling responsible for that though not sure we are really.

It is him causing problems, he doesn't seem that worried about upsetting you and your son, does he?

Your BIl sounds like a bit of an arse, who an earth writes that on a Christmas card and then addresses it to his disabled nephew.

However I suspect if life wasn't so hard for your family ( and I genuinely know it is from your previous posts) you might laugh and say "Gosh what an eejit BIL is, who wants to bet he brings it up on Christmas day". Instead it seems like a painful dig when you have so many critical things to think about every single day.

I'd ring up but try to be very neutral about it. Maybe just say that you're concerned because you don't have these books and that your DH is getting upset about it. See what she says. I think she'll be as keen to move on from it as you are and will have words with her DH ! Don't give an ultimatum for Christmas Day - she hasn't got the power to stop her DH from saying something and I don't feel it's right to put her in that situation. Even if he does bring it up, what's the worst that can happen - you just say we don't have them, you're mistaken a few times and then pack your stuff and go if he doesn't shut up.

Yes that is what I find hurtful Funky, we keep an awful lot from family members as we don't want them to be unduly upset by what DS and we have been going through, but BIL does not have any qualms about upsetting us.

Without going into too much detail, DM has had a big upheaval this year and so am particularly keen to spend Xmas with her. I will be really upset if we feel we have to stay away.

I think your BIL has been a dick buuuuuuut I don't think your DH should have sent a text to your DSIS. Fine, have it out with BIL but DSIS seems fairly blameless and it seems a bit shitty to send her that text.

Thanks for that rookie. I know that Dsis may have the power to stop BIL from saying anything, just want her to tell me whether or not she is in a position to give assurances that nothing will be said.

If not then at the moment I feel that we may not be able to go. I could probably shrug it off as you say but don't think that DH can, as you say he is particularly upset that the card was addressed to DS. If the subject is raised by BIL I could see this degenerating into a row which will be more upsetting for everyone in the long term.

Oh no, definitely don't give him the books as a present if you wouldn't normally - I just thought it would be one in the eye for him if he missed out on a Christmas present because of his insistence about how important these books are, especially when they inevitably turn up at his house on Boxing day.

If you wouldn't normally give him a present then I think the blunt approach is what's needed - talk to your sister and explain that you don't expect to be harangued about this any more, that it's upsetting you, your husband and your son, and that the pair of them really need to think about how they talk to you and their expectations of you because they seem to be under the mistaken impression that their needs feature on your priority list, when in fact, they do not.

Karen, the card was sent from both Dsis & BIL. As mentioned I had talked to DSis recently to make clear we didn't have the books so we thought the matter was closed. I think DH is allowed to be livid about this. The text was very clear about the upset caused but it wasn't rude or offensive.

Don't let it ruin your Weekend/Christmas/Whatever else, its not worth it

Yes agree husband right to be livid but your AIBU is about BIL & it was BIL who wrote the message about the books. I just think if he's the one who's caused the problem, he's the one the text should go to. Did your SIL even know the message had been added to the card?

Thanks DoJo, I will take that line and explain to DSis that this subject needs to be closed now, I do think that she may be relatively blameless & not sure if she knew what was in the card….but the fact is that it came from them both.

He sounds like an idiot. I wouldn't waste any more time or energy on it. If he does bring it up at Christmas be a bit casual about it to show how off your radar it is, eg "what books? Oh those. Yeah, we looked but we don't have them. We have an awful lot of important stuff going on right now so I haven't given them any further thought. Hope they turn up."

When my DS was a newborn my Mum came to stay and brought with her a copy of a book, self published by my great uncle, so a limited copy. It was an account of his experiences in a Japanese prisoner of war camp.

A few weeks after she'd gone home, she asked me to send it back to her. I told her I was pretty sure she'd taken it with her but I'd check the house. I did so, no book.

My Mum was really angry with me for losing it. She said that loads of other people in the family had wanted to see it and I'd let her down big style. Even when she'd calmed down, she was like a dog with a bone for a couple of years afterwards, making "jokey" sarcastic comments about never lending me anything and me not respecting people's stuff. I honestly just let it wash over me, just kept repeating calmly, "I don't have it" and let the matter drop.

About five years later, yes you've guessed it, she found the bloody book at her house. She was absolutely mortified and abjectly apologetic. But to be honest, I wasn't that bothered; I'd always known I didn't have it, I had nothing to feel guilty about, I'd always known she was just being daft.

Could you not try to take the same approach with your BiL OP? Because chances are he will find this stuff at his house and all this stress will have been about nothing.

Karen we don't have a phone for BIL to send the text to, don't think he even knows one. You are right that it is not clear if Dsis knew about the message or BIL added it afterwards but that is for her to clarify if she didn't know. The card was sent from both of them and the message reads 'Can WE ask you to remind your Mum about the following books' so we interpreted it (rightly or wrongly) as coming from them both.

What an odd situation. I can't imagine you would have taken these books home and had no recollection of doing so.

I do agree though that you DH should have dealt with BIL direct. They're his books and it was his message in the card.

I certainly wouldn't be replacing anything

Tinkly, I will try to take the approach you suggest. DH is still very upset but maybe when he has calmed down will be able to be more detached about it.

The problem with us is (to cut a long story short) we have an awful lot on our plates & are neither of us feeling very resilient at the moment. I think that as things are already,we protect those around us an awful lot from the realities of what we have on our plates and I just want people to lay off us.

Oh x post

itiswhatitiswhatitis as stated the card was sent as a joint card from both DSis and BIL and the message in the card was phrased as being from them both…this is why DH felt it was appropriate to respond to Dsis.

Maybe it's time to stop protecting people from the reality of your situation OP (not that I can talk our families don't have a clue about ds2's issues)

Thanks itis, we do talk about some of the issues we have to deal with but don't think they really know how hellishly hard some aspects are as don't want to unduly burden them….also don't want to be perceived as moaning or get into a habit of being too negative. I have talked in previous posts about some of the difficulties we face.

I feel really upset, have actually been crying about this this morning….this is really a storm in a teacup but because it is coming on top of everything else.

I think when you are constantly battling bigger issues it is always the little things that tip you over the edge!

Can you have an open conversation with your dsis so they realise that bil's books are the least of your concerns?

Your BIl is a twat of the highest order. First rule of lending anything to anybody is don't lend stuff you really need back because you might not get it. If somebody says they don't have it you have to just accept it because otherwise you are calling them a liar.
If you have the money I would be tempted to buy the books and send them to him with a note telling him you def didn't have them but this is to stop the harrassment.
Your sister should've put a stop to it. I have a an absolute twat of a BIl and he gets away with being a rude entitled bugger because my sister doesn't stop him.

Thanks PTA, yes I believe I made it clear to Dsis that we didn't have the books…..I don't know why he would lend them if they were so precious.

If BIL felt that he really had to bring up the subject again, why do it with my DS and in his Xmas card? Surely the purpose of an Xmas card is to send an Xmas greeting, & it isn't appropriate to drag in other issues? Who on earth does that?

Yes I could send replacements as you suggest & make clear it is not an admission that we had them, though TBH I would begrudge doing that, we are not rolling in cash & would like any spare money at Xmas to go to DS and other youngsters in the family.

I wouldn't replace the books for all the tea in China - asides from anything else, when he does find his precious fucking books at home, he will not realise they are the originals and will overlook them as the replacements...iyswim?

Nopey dope...he'd get nowt from me other than a flick of the vees.