AIBU about BIL? Or are we in the wrong?

[Livingtothefull]

We have a DS (13 years) who is severely disabled, has severe learning difficulties & is confined to a wheelchair. A few months ago we went to visit my DSis and BIL in their house. They had just been on holiday and were talking to my DS about it.

My BIL gave DS some things about the holiday to look at…to be honest I don't recall what these items were but believe they includedbooks and maps about the country they had been to. Apparently (BIL claims) among these were a couple of books that he wanted to loan to DS. He has now indicated to us that he wants them back.

This all started when BIL called a few weeks ago and spoke to me. He mentioned both the titles by name/author & asked if I could give them back to him when we saw them next. I said I couldn't recall the titles & he was adamant that we had them so I said I would look. We had a look & all I could find was a map of the country they had been to, nothing else.

A couple of weeks later my Dsis spoke to me about them & I confirmed I wasn't able to find them. I explained that it is very difficult to keep track of everything as we are so busy & DS was travelling constantly between home, school & therapy; but to the best of my knowledge we didn't have the books. SIL said not to worry & there was a good chance that we had never had them & that BIL had form for wrongly claiming other people had books of his which then turned out to have been on his bookshelves all along.

What has really upset us today is that we have received their Christmas card addressed to DS, sent since the conversation with Dsis. BIL has written in the card on the left hand side opposite the greeting: 'Please ask your Mummy to find/give back these books (listing titles/authors/publication dates)'.

DH is absolutely livid & said I am lucky he doesn't get straight on the phone to have it out with DSis and BIL. He wanted to burn the card but we have compromised & put it away in a drawer, I don't particularly want it out on display.

To be honest, I don't remember what BIL gave DS, also I didn't know that BIL was so anxious to have the items back. I am not excusing this but people often give things to DS to look at/play with, & I am assuming that people would not lend things to a disabled child that they would need to have back; only things they would have no further use for. I don't even remember the word 'lend' being used. I don't feel that we can take responsibility for such things as we have a lot on our plates (both DH and I work full time as well as caring for our DS and we both have health issues of our own).

I certainly don't remember BIL saying that he would definitely need the books back as they were precious to him; if he had, I would probably have refused to take them & told him that I wouldn't want to take responsibility for these. I assumed that BIL would understand not to entrust precious things to a child but then BIL and DSis don't have children.

I am feeling really upset now. We are due to see the whole family on Xmas day and I am worried that BIL will start on again about the books. I want to have a nice day not for us to be harangued about this. I could offer to pay for the books but I am not sure if we ever even had them & DH is strongly against us having to do this. BIL seems to consider them as precious/irreplacable anyway don't want to complain to my DM as don't want to drag her into this, she is elderly….so I don't know quite how to handle this.

For starters, just stop sparing everyone else's feelings. You have enough on your plate for this nonsense to be the final straw. It is high time you spoke out honestly and I would start with having a frank but not confrontational talk with your dsis. Who I don't necessarily see as a willing collaborator so far as including this totally inappropriate message in your DS's card. Your BIL's hand is clearly behind all this and he is a complete and utter tit.

In other circumstances your BIL's obsession over these books would be a trivial enough issue that would more likely to cause amusement than grief. But this isn't the case for your family and I don't see why you or your DH should be putting up with this nonsense.

Which is why I say that the time has come to be open and honest about what you are going through. Especially with a relation as close as your dsis. Don't keep carrying the burden of silence. Sometimes a huge drama is necessary. Especially if one has been pushed towards that drama by a course of events such as you describe.

Stop being so nice. Stop trying to carry the weight of your cares single-handedly. And for heaven's sake do not make decisions about Christmas that will upset you and your mother on the basis that your BIL is an unfeeling arsehole.

Living you are clearly in difficult circumstances with a lot of worries, and for that you have my upmost sympathy but you really are attaching undue significance to this.

Your BIL has a very tiny world, as a few retirees with few interests, and a certain personality type can be proneto do. He ggenuinely believes you have some books, which you do not have. He has almost nothing elsegoing on in his life, so has allowed the lost books to become a huge issue which he is worrying at like a dog with an old manky bone. Inthis mindset he thought writing the message was reasonable.

You, on the other hand, have a whole lot going on, and BIL's lost books are about as relevant in your grand scheme as a speck of dust.

You are allowing something utterly, utterly trivial to assume a ridiculously inflated importance. You do not have time or brain space for it. Laugh at how tiny and petty your BIL's mind is and bin the card. Ring your sister (imagine being married to BIL and cut her some slack - her life isn't difficult on the scale yours is, but - she's married to BIL!). Tell her how being hassled about the books is the straw about to break the camel's back, and ask her to talk some sense into BIL so you can give your mum and DS a nice Christmas without this petty issue hanging over you.

Then forget it - when people start standing on their pride and demanding apologies they are

Oops sorry - wanted to say don't become as petty as BIL by demanding an apology you'll never get for a note in a Christmas card - then you would be escalating something which should be beneath you.

Summerisle1 - thanks so much for your post, you are so right about this and I will be contacting my DSis about it. To be honest she is a good DSis usually so I suspect she might not know about the message in the card. I have had conversations with her before about the issues with DS & believe she took this on board, this seems out of character for her.

I don't want to miss out on a family Xmas but am worried if I go & this subject comes up it could end very badly. I just want to have a nice Xmas, don't think I could cope with this escalating into a huge row.

I have a disabled son, I believe you, and not just because that given our childrens difficulties we can probably list off the top of our head exactly what they have and don't have.

Thanks Cariads, yes I think if DS had the books and read them we would have seen them as he obsesses over some things & ignores others. I think if we had had the books we would have found them together in one pile unused, or DS would have read them obsessively so we would have seen them.

Surely it would only escalate if your DH allowed it to.
Does he have a problem keeping his temper in check?
Won't a flat denial that you had the books be sufficient to end the subject if it were brought up at Christmas?

Thanks very much for your post MrTumbles. Maybe in a day or two I will feel differently about this & be able to laugh about it. I have felt weepy all day but hopefully that will pass. I can accept that BIL has a different sense of what is important but just don't know what planet you would need to be on, to think that the card to DS is appropriate.

I will not demand apologies as I think an apology is freely given or not worth having.

I agree Living - as you say an apology, once requested, has no (or a different) meaning. I hope you can have a talk with Dsis and then move on - you have real worries, and a DS who needs you - don't fixate on this little man and his little issues, he doesn't deserve the brain space, and your mum and DS don't deserve to have their Christmas ruined by something so petty.

I hope we manage to sort this out MrTumbles thanks, don't want it to escalate any further & dearly want to sort things out with Dsis.

I think the worst thing is that I joked about BIL maybe hassling us for the books in the card just before opening it….never thinking in a million years he would actually do it.

Your BIL sounds like an arse and I think it was out of order to mention the books in the card.

Has your sister not responded to the text your DH sent? If she didn't know about the message in the card, I would have thought she'd have been straight on the phone to apologise!

I can't believe how upset I am by this, I have been crying all day. I am overreacting but am afraid I am not resilient to this kind of thing.

No I haven't heard from Dsis yet but will contact her….really do not want to give her a hard time as knowing her as I so I am sure she would not set out to hurt me, but I need to make clear how much hurt has (maybe inadvertently) been caused.

higgle You seriously don't think that a note in a child's card, one who is "severely disabled, has severe learning difficulties & is confined to a wheelchair", after having already been told twice the other party doesn't have them, is rude? Really? There is absolutely no reason to put that in the card for any child, let alone one who may not understand it (as I take from the OP's description). Why is it appropriate to include this child in the parent's issue?

OP You need to call your DSis asap and ask her if she was aware that BIL put that in the card. Based on that answer I would make decisions about Christmas. I would also NOT be quiet about BIL's inappropriate behaviour. No-one rationally could think that is okay.

Also, no friggen way would I just go out and buy the books for him. Why is that the only way to end it without argument? Why wouldn't DSis and BIL just write them off as a loss and buy them themselves? The more I think about it the more I think OP should look up the value of the books because I think BIL is being sneaky and wants new books. If they're not cheap, buy them as a Christmas present "seeing you lost your other copies and keep blaming an innocent child!"

Hi sykadelik, no I don't think DS would understand it and they would know that. It is clearly aimed at me but still reads as though they are taking the piss out of DS, writing something in his card knowing he would not understand.

Dsis has been a great sister in so many ways, I don't want to upset & fall out with her. But this has caused a lot of upset, I can't just let it go.

OP Why is you addressing your upset going to be the reason to fall out with her? It wouldn't be. BIL is the sole reason for this upset and any fall out from it. What incredibly insensitive and crass behaviour.

I totally agree you need to talk to your DSis and let her know how upset you are. The first time you said you didn't think you had them should have been enough. I could even understand a second "we've looked everywhere, are you sure you don't have it?" but that third message, in the card of a child who they knew wouldn't understand it (and could possibly upset him) at worst accuses you of theft, at best calls you a liar.

I'd have a hard time thinking anything of him after this...

Oh what a total idiot BIL is!

Although you say that you don't go into details about DS's condition with your family, they are probably very aware of what a strain you are under.

BIL is obsessing over a couple of books which he has no proof ever left his house. What an idiot.

Yes, you need to speak to Dsis about this, to explain that you don't need this extra pressure in your already stressful lives and that although the books are clearly important to BIL, the cumulative effect of what he is doing is having such a hugely negative impact that you are seriously considering spending Christmas at home because of him.

FWIW I think you should have the family Christmas planned. Your Dsis doesn't sound as if she thinks it is a big deal, so BIL is going to be outnumbered 3 to 1. Can you possibly agree that any mention by him of the books is dealt with in a lighthearted manner, e.g. "Come on Jim, you know how absentminded you are! You've been told at least 6 times the books never left the house and you've just forgotten where you put them. Have another sherry and let it go."

Dear all, thanks very much for your responses. There have been some developments as follows:

DSis left me a voicemail this morning, it was v affectionate but made clear that she was upset by DH text.

I emailed her to explain how hurtful the Xmas card was and why. It was also (I think) an affectionate message but made clear the upset caused. I haven't had a reply to this as yet.

BIL emailed DH to complain about his text. He said he definitely gave the books to me on a specific date in Spring which he named, when we were apparently all at lunch together. He was very specific about all details and explained that the book was precious to him; he said he keeps very careful track of books he gives out on loan which he considers to be precious, having lost items in the past.

We checked our records and it turns out that on the date this supposedly happened, DH flew out of the country with DS on a weekend away. Also, I had just started a new job which was why I couldn't travel with them. This was a weekday.

DH emailed DSis and said that he was sorry that his text upset her, that this was never his intention. He forwarded his & DS flight details for the date in question, and asked Dsis if there was a chance that BIL could have his facts mixed up.

Dsis forwarded message to BIL who wrote back to DH: 'The mystery deepens! We are at the airport about to fly out for a week away in the Canaries, but will be in touch about this on our return'.

Goodness, he's not going to give up is he ! It seems that in his mind he is absolutely convinced you have the books and he won't stop till he gets them back. If you don't want a row you will probably just have to disengage. Has anyone spoken or is this all texts and emails ? Everyone forwarding things to each other seems to have the potential to escalate things.
I lend books to friends from my book club. I chased people about some loans recently and got 2 of the 3 back. The third person didn't acknowledge the request. I know she borrowed my book but it was a cheap paperback so I let it drop. I'm not losing a friendship over it, but I won't lend books to her again. He should not lend things that are too important to him not to get back. If he has form for being disorganized and losing track of things he shouldn't go round accusing people. If this is a new thing and he's retired, is his memory OK ?

BIL sounds like a type of retired man who is obsessed with facts, books, history, a bit OCD, a bit trainspotter. He doesn't sound like someone who will understand empathy, or sympathy. (Are they really going to Canaries or has he misunderstood the old flight details to mean you are flying somewhere and is being competitive?).

Suggest he alphabetise his entire book collection by author to make sure! That should keep him busy!

BIL phoned about this some weeks ago highkickindandy, this was the first I knew it was an issue for him. In his email he explained the book was important to him & irreplaceable, also that it was out of print. My gut feeling is that he is mistaken about this but of course I could be wrong….we are very busy people. But if he is wrong about the date he could be wrong about other 'facts' too.

I don't think that they are aware of how much upset this has caused. I have been in tears all day. I don't expect a grovelling apology, just some expression of regret that this has caused us upset.

I am sure if he had explained how precious the book was I would have refused to take it as I would not be in a position to guarantee its safety.

I really think you need to calm down.

I imagine your sis and BiL cannot understand why you are so distraught. I can't to be honest.

If he harps on tell him he got the date wrong so probably also got who he loaned the books to wrong and then don't discuss it any more.

You are both blowing it out of all proportion.

It's all very odd. Why on earth would someone lend such valued items to a child ? They wouldn't, if they had any sense. So as you say, he's mistaken about that, has dates firmly fixed in his head about it, that by your own records are clearly wrong even if he had given your son the books.
It's clearly upsetting for you all. He needs to let it drop before you end up falling out with your sister. What will you do if he keeps mithering on about it ?
So sorry about all this, the last thing you need with everything else you're dealing with.

I would E Mail/text him back and tell you have searched you house 4 times, you have proved to him that you did not see him when he supposed to have given your son these books. And as far as you are concerned this is the end of the matter and you and dh will not discuss this matter again.

OP, did you meet up with BiL around the date that he gives? Because his next step may be to say that he got the date wrong but the details right, so better be prepared for that.

I find the whole thing extraordinary. Why on earth would you lend an important and irreplaceable book to a child? And surely if he had done so he would have told you how important it was to make sure that you took care of it, and you wouldn't conceivably have forgotten that?