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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave baby asleep with a working monitor whilst I go next door for Christmas drinks?

252 replies

PatButchersLostEaring · 12/12/2014 20:36

Really unsure if this is a bad idea so opinions please.

Baby 18 months sound asleep with monitor on and working. DH next door quaffing mulled wine and I plan to join him...... Maybe.

Is this ok?

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 13/12/2014 00:15
  • is no worse than
Selinasupreme · 13/12/2014 00:15

I don't drive Smile

Tobyjugg · 13/12/2014 00:15

*house

Not a good typing night

Selinasupreme · 13/12/2014 00:16

If more people agree, that makes it ok! That's the spirit.

Good night

xpatmama · 13/12/2014 00:17

Some friends do this and seems to be fine.

ravenAK · 13/12/2014 00:18

Ah well, I can probably live with you thinking it's pretty bad! Grin

Dh dropped me at a friend's house, then put the dc to bed.

I've since returned home, dh is still working in his studio. Kids are fast asleep - & just as far away from either of us (me out much of the evening, then in bed on 2nd floor, dc on 1st, no-one on ground floor, dh in basement) than they would've been if dh & I were next door enjoying a mulled wine with the neighbours.

I know they are safely tucked up in bed, so I don't need to fret about it.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 00:24

you know they are safe in bed whilst you are in the house. when you are not in the house you do not know if they are safe.

the different between being downstairs in your own house and downstairs in a flat is that if someone walks into your house you will know about it. if someone walks into your house you would not know about it. like selinasupreme said, there are several locked doors between you are and your child if you leave your flat.

at the end of the day, the law indicates that you should not leave an 18 month old alone. it is a child protection issue.

ravenAK · 13/12/2014 00:34

The law doesn't say that at all, in fact.

& nope, I can assure you that it is perfectly possible for anyone with a key to let themselves in to our house without me hearing them from a different floor.

I'd probably hear someone without a key deploying a battering ram instead - but then I'd probably hear that from next door.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 00:47

as ive said earlier, the children act 1989 protects children or are suffering or likely to suffer harm. leaving your 18 month old child at home alone puts your child at unnecessary risk and raises the likelihood of harm.

as a parent, it is your duty of care to safeguard your children as far as possible. leaving them unattended is not doing this, and is a breech of duty of care.

there may not be a law specifically stating 'do not leave your 18 month old child at home' but its pretty apparent in many legislations, national policies and guidance.

If social services hear of you leaving your 18 month old baby at home, they will get involved. it meets criteria. fact. whether you think its ok is not the point anymore. it is a child protection issue and should be addressed.

ravenAK · 13/12/2014 00:55

Honestly, SS do have higher priorities than two parents having a swift glass of wine with the neighbours, whilst their dc is fast asleep in bed & they have a monitor in hand to notify them if the dc wakes.

You really aren't dealing in facts.

It's fine to say that the very thought of it gives you the heeby-jeebies, but that's not the same thing at all.

brererabbit · 13/12/2014 00:59

Haven't read the thread but I really hope you didn't do it. Can't imagine it's illegal but really bloody irresponsible. Leaving a baby alone in a house. Do you really need to come on mumsnet to ask if that's ok???

SolidGoldBrass · 13/12/2014 01:10

FUcking hell, how do you bucketheads ever dare to go to sleep? Monsters might break in and eat your baby while you are selfishly tucked up in your own bed instead of sitting by the cot sweating and palpitating all night...

brererabbit · 13/12/2014 01:14

Still not read whole lot. But the difference to me and why I'd feel uncomfortable is that in the summer I go and sit in the garden. Front door is locked. monitor is in hand and back door is open so I can run in if needed. I may be further away but house in sight and secure from front, I have access and audio.
Next door you would either have to leave door unlocked which case anyone could get in or lock it in which case I would be far to uncomfortable. What if lock breaks? What if there's a fire or if they learn to climb out of the cot?

its not the world's biggest risk no. But comparing it to the garden is not the same thing and it's not something I'd feel completely comfortable doing with my kids.

ravenAK · 13/12/2014 01:33

Sure, I don't think anyone's arguing that it's a completely risk free choice. The house might catch fire.

But if you strap them into a carseat & head off to Sainsbury's, the car might crash. If only you'd had your shopping delivered.

Or if you go round to your friend's house for coffee & so your dc can play with hers, a madman might break in & slaughter you all with an axe. If only you'd had coffee with your other friend who didn't have an axeman scheduled to call at her house today!

Much of the heeby-jeebies about this one stems from 'But you don't need to go for a drink. BAD mother.' (if you don't think about your dc after you put them to bed, that's bad parenting...)

I think it's fine to think 'no, that's not a risk, however slight, I'm happy with - I wouldn't be able to relax & enjoy my mulled wine anyway'. Fair enough.

The 'well it's against the law, well OK it's not against the law but Social Services will come & tell you off, well OK not that either but but but Bad Parenting... ' routine - that's just a bit silly.

TooHasty · 13/12/2014 01:38

The bottom line is that you wouldn't have posted the question on here if you were comfortable with the decision.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2014 01:41

brere I think your feelings are echoing what I said earlier about feeling that your house is a safe place, so even if you are further away you feel that your child is safer because it is your haven.

I can totally understand that. It doesnt make logical sense to me but then emotions and feelings dont always make sense!

What I am pissed off about is the implication from certain posters (not you!) that they are somehow better and more caring parents than others who feel differently. "I dont want to" is justification enough, there really is no need for the OTT implications of neglect and abuse that has happened on this thread.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 01:48

its not an implication. its a fact leaving your 18 month old child while you go for a drink is neglectful and is grounds for en enquiry by social services. these are facts. not implications.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2014 01:50

these are facts

Well, apart from the fact that they are, you know, not.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 01:55

well they are. having worked in a child referral and assessment team. im pretty sure I know what the criteria is for an assessment. and neglecting your 18 month old and putting them at unnecessary risk, really does meet the criteria and is in breech of your duty of care as a parent and the childrens act 1989.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2014 02:01

I have asked this several times, perhaps you will answer.

How is going one room and 2 doors away (within a block of flats), with a baby monitor, a working smoke alarm and a sleeping baby who is checked every half an hour considered neglect?

How is it putting them at any more risk than putting them the to bed and then watching TV all evening and not checking them until you go to bed.

I am not being facetious, I really dont see how the former is worse than the latter, because in terms of being aware of them and checking up you are actually doing MORE to ensure their safety in the former scenario.

Bogeyface · 13/12/2014 02:03

And as for the alcohol involved, I daresay that there are more than a couple of pp's who have been "safely" in charge of their children tonight who have had, well, more than a couple.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 02:09

If you are in another house or flat you will have no idea what is going on in your home. whether you think it is safe or not. a monitor could fault at any time. a fire alarm could fault at any time. locks could fault at any time.

I have not, nor would I recommend sitting on a sofa all night and not checking your children. however, if you were to do this, you would still have a better idea of what is going on than if you were in a completely different property, whether it is next door or not.

an 18 month old could possibly be able to climb out of its cot. you will be more likely to hear this if you are in the property.

leaving an 18 month old unattended in a property for any period of time is considered neglectful and is against national guidance.

there have been many cases of people leaving their properties and things happening, and I don't see why anyone would want to take that risk.

as I have said, leaving a child unattended in a property, is grounds for neglect.

ravenAK · 13/12/2014 02:13

Nope. I'm involved in child protection stuff too, including regular referrals.

SS really, really, aren't going to get excited about a child having a nice snooze whilst his parents are briefly next door.

Parents off down town on the lash on a regular basis while said child screams for them, causing said neighbours to ring SS, yes, in theory, although it'd be nice to see them better resourced & funded.

jbledyeah · 13/12/2014 02:15

I think SS would care about parents putting their children at unnecessary risk. that is, after all, what theyre there for.

thursday · 13/12/2014 02:18

I've not thought or checked on my children since they went to bed either except for the customary thunk of a book falling off DDs bed. Bad bad parent.

I probably wouldn't do this, because I'm prone to irrational abduction paranoia (you should see me camping...) not because I think it's actually risky. Depends on the child, I know mine at 18m would have slept soundly and half an hour the other side of the wall logically is not neglect/emotional abuse etc. But friends of my ex did this when their baby was about 2 weeks old and the dickheads locked themselves out of the house and it was an awkward 20 minutes of her freaking out and him getting the blame til her mum came round with the spare key and bollocked them both. Really did make the party...