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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be upset by this woman?

111 replies

AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:34

I don't even know what I hope to gain by posting this, I guess I just need to vent!

This morning I was sitting in a coffee shop with my DD who is 5 and has autism. She wasn't diagnosed until recently so I am trying to deal with everything and tbh I am struggling. However we go to this coffee shop every Friday and she always has the same thing - a kids hot chocolate with a marshmallow twirl thing.

Today however they had ran out of the marshmallows which DD was upset about but I was did my best to keep her calm and keep her preoccupied and did my best to prevent a meltdown. It worked for a while...I don't know if something else upset her but we had been sitting down for about five minutes when she suddenly started screeching loudly and banging her hands against the table.

I was doing my best to calm her down, really I was but she just wouldn't. Sad I was about to take her outside to let her calm down there but then I noticed that the woman sitting opposite me was scrunching up her face and had her hands over her ears. I also saw her shoot a dirty look in DD's direction. She then put her coat on and left.

I did manage to calm DD down by taking her outside and we also managed to finish our drinks and food but for some reason I just couldn't get this woman out of my head.

Fine if you didn't like the noise but was there really any need for her to cover her ears, scrunch up her face and throw us a dirty look? The worst thing is is that I know she left because of DD because she left half of her sandwich and most of her drink. That just made me feel even shittier.

I know I should just forget about it but I am still upset by this and I have no idea why.

My child has autism, what was her excuse for being a rude cow?

Sorry, I am just venting I know, don't mind me Sad.

OP posts:
atoughyear · 12/12/2014 16:37

Maybe the woman is also autistic?

prettywhiteguitar · 12/12/2014 16:37

God what a stupid bitch, honestly some people just can't empathise.

Try to ignore her rudeness

twinkletoedelephant · 12/12/2014 16:38

Fuck her ....

Don't think about it for another second , she could have done things differently but you can't change your child it was her choice -

Fwiw I would also be pissed off if there were no marshmallows in my hot chocolate as well :-)

macdoodle · 12/12/2014 16:38

Maybe she also has problems, maybe she is having a really shit time, and that was the first 5 minutes peace she had all week?
Why do you expect sympathy and understanding but seem incapable of giving any in return?

whois · 12/12/2014 16:39

I'm not usually one for 'maybe they have SN' but the woman didn't actually say anything mean and removed herself from the situation - the covering ears is quite an extreme reaction and maybe indicate she did have SN

CrohnicallyAnxious · 12/12/2014 16:39

I was about to suggest the same as atoughyear

Original poster
AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:39

I think I will try to ignore it but it's hard. I have had a cry about everything earlier to my DH and my older DC's but I am still upset.

My DD is amazing, she really is Sad.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/12/2014 16:40

The noise could have hurt the woman's ears if she was sensitive to sound as many people are.

My child has autism, what was her excuse for being a rude cow?

And yes, maybe she also has autism.

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/12/2014 16:40

You have no idea why she reacted that way though. I hate to do the 'maybe she has sn ' thing, but it's a realistic possibility. I have autism too, and a high pitched noise and banging like your daughter was doing would cause me distress. I'd probably have tried to shut it out and then got up and left too. I tend to glare at noises that are annoying me even if it's an inanimate object like a vending machine!

Doesn't make it your fault, but don't assume she was being rude or horrid. If she was really being rude she'd probably have said something

gobbynorthernbird · 12/12/2014 16:40

My DSS would react like that to a child screaming. He has Asbergers.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2014 16:41

(((Un-MNetty hugs)))

Ignore and forget - she sounds as ignorant as fuck and it's her problem, not yours.

Even if you've dealt with things for a while, getting an "official diagnosis" is, I would imagine, still very difficult to cope with. But you're carrying on with a routine, making life as normal as possible, despite feeling like you're struggling.

Give yourself a break - you're doing brilliantly x

TittyBojangles · 12/12/2014 16:41

Just as she didn't know or understand what was causing your dds behaviour neither do you know what caused hers so maybe she is autistic or has some sensitive hearing issues or anxiety or whatever. Of course she may just have been a miserable cow but a bit of understanding can go both ways.

SirChenjin · 12/12/2014 16:41

I would suggest that the woman either had mental health issues or autism/Aspergers herself. If you try and keep in mind that her reaction wasn't a 'normal' one then it might be easier to let go? You're obviously feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment, and understandably so - do you think that could manifest itself in your overthinking this?

momb · 12/12/2014 16:41

She was rude but don't take it to heart. She left: she didn't have a go at you or your daughter and maybe the noise was just more than she could cope with: her issue not yours.

formerbabe · 12/12/2014 16:42

Some people are so nasty op. My dd is not autistic but has unbelievable tantrums where she hurls herself around screaming. Most people give me sympathetic looks but the other day this horrible woman gave me a really filthy look as if I could have stopped the tantrum but somehow was choosing not to! Gonna get flamed now but I always find the disapproving looks come from women of the older generation...I reckon time has erased all memories of their own children's tantrums from their mind!

SoonToBeMrsB · 12/12/2014 16:42

Covering her ears would definitely suggest that the woman had additional needs too, as no polite adult without additional needs would do something so rude and pointed unless they were a complete arsehole

prettywhiteguitar · 12/12/2014 16:42

My mum who is also a rude cow, put her hands over her ears when I forced her to go to soft play with the dc's.

Some people can't cope with the noise.

26Point2Miles · 12/12/2014 16:42

Well she didn't know your child has autism does she? She may have been wondering why you didn't deal with her/take her out sooner/take her to school etc etc.... She was nt overly 'rude'

Ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2014 16:43

Sorry - I retract my ignorant as fuck comment.

Seems that actually applies to me Blush

Original poster
AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:43

Okay maybe she wasn't being rude on purpose, I am just struggling to deal with everything right now and may be a little over sensitive.

OP posts:
SunshineAndShadows · 12/12/2014 16:43

I understand you're having a hard time but clearly this woman is as well. She had a physical reaction to the noise and left her drink and food without saying anything to you. I think you're a bit unreasonable to take it so personally. I'm pretty sure she didn't ditch her lunch in an attempt to make you feel worse but she clearly couldn't cope with the noise. Empathy works both ways

Honeydragon · 12/12/2014 16:43

A relative of mine would do this, in many situation, because to her the noise would cause physical pain. She would simply have walked out and left her drink too.

Sorry it upset you, but you don't know that her intention was to be directly unpleasant to you and your dd.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 12/12/2014 16:43

Leaving the coffee shop is quite an extreme reaction. I'd be inclined to think she had some sort of sensitivity to noise herself, perhaps even autism. She didn't say anything to you or your dd so although her behaviour comes across as rude, it doesn't sound like an attempt to upset you? A "dirty" could also be the look of someone in pain.

Even if she was just an intolerant person - well, you know you and your dd had every right to be there.

hoppus · 12/12/2014 16:44

That is a strange and over the top reaction so I also think she has reasons of her own for acting that way. You did all you could do, you will come across people who have no empathy or understanding but that is all their problem just roll your eyes, nothing to do with your DD. I am sure she is wonderful.

ihatethecold · 12/12/2014 16:44

I agree with others. You're judging her for for judging you.
Who knows what her story is.