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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be upset by this woman?

111 replies

AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:34

I don't even know what I hope to gain by posting this, I guess I just need to vent!

This morning I was sitting in a coffee shop with my DD who is 5 and has autism. She wasn't diagnosed until recently so I am trying to deal with everything and tbh I am struggling. However we go to this coffee shop every Friday and she always has the same thing - a kids hot chocolate with a marshmallow twirl thing.

Today however they had ran out of the marshmallows which DD was upset about but I was did my best to keep her calm and keep her preoccupied and did my best to prevent a meltdown. It worked for a while...I don't know if something else upset her but we had been sitting down for about five minutes when she suddenly started screeching loudly and banging her hands against the table.

I was doing my best to calm her down, really I was but she just wouldn't. Sad I was about to take her outside to let her calm down there but then I noticed that the woman sitting opposite me was scrunching up her face and had her hands over her ears. I also saw her shoot a dirty look in DD's direction. She then put her coat on and left.

I did manage to calm DD down by taking her outside and we also managed to finish our drinks and food but for some reason I just couldn't get this woman out of my head.

Fine if you didn't like the noise but was there really any need for her to cover her ears, scrunch up her face and throw us a dirty look? The worst thing is is that I know she left because of DD because she left half of her sandwich and most of her drink. That just made me feel even shittier.

I know I should just forget about it but I am still upset by this and I have no idea why.

My child has autism, what was her excuse for being a rude cow?

Sorry, I am just venting I know, don't mind me Sad.

OP posts:
NewEraNewMindset · 12/12/2014 16:45

Threads so similar to this have been posted quite a few times over the last 6 months. I'm not sure if it's the same woman scrunching her face up each time and covering her ears, but if it isn't OP I'm going to say I think this kind of response isn't uncommon.

Most people in coffee shops, sans children, are hoping for a relaxing experience. Obviously on this occasion that lady didn't get that and it seems as though she was a bit pissed off. Doesn't mean that you are in the wrong particularly as you have the right to use the same facilities, but it might just mean you have to try and develop a thicker skin or else stay inside. You can't control how other people react to your daughter and some people just have no sympathy for parents.

weeblueberry · 12/12/2014 16:46

I have to say my first instinct was that any reaction like that could very well be autism or something similar. I can understand though how it would be difficult to deal with.

Original poster
AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:46

formerbabe I usually find that too but in this case she was actually quite young. I would say around 20/21.

OP posts:
VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 16:47

When your daughter is an adult, she may well display behaviours that may cause others to think "what a rude cow"

I think an adult actually putting their hands over their ears and scrunching up their face and then leaving without finishing their food and drink is such extreme behaviour that my first thought would have been that they have their own issues that they are dealing with, possibly also on the spectrum even.

My sons are teenagers now. They are big big lads! Tower above me. They both have autism and my youngest also has adhd. They have behaviours that others do find quite odd but at other times people around them would not realise. If there was a sudden activity or noise, they can react in a variety of ways. to say the least Grin

When you have just got the DX and are getting to grips with it all, you can feel like it's you alone in the world. I know, I've been there. It's a rough ride. But later on you come back a bit and realise that the world is full of people who are struggling.

I think that it would make you feel better if you did not see her as rude, but as someone with their own challenges, dealing with them as best they could.

Altinkum · 12/12/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggytape · 12/12/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:48

I guess I need to develop a thicker skin.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitz · 12/12/2014 16:48

why not just take your dd out of the cafe?
i have kids with sn but doesnt mean i wouldnt remove them from a situation like this,a coffee shop, where people dont expect to be seeing a school aged child kicking off.
It would have bothered me especially if id got a day without screaming brats just to be greated with it somewhere i thought i could chill with a latte and a cake

VitalStollenFix · 12/12/2014 16:49

You do.
And you will.
Do you have much in the way of rl support? Have you accessed info and perhaps groups if you feel you might benefit from connecting with other families?

HopefulHamster · 12/12/2014 16:49

I have no conditions but can get really freaked out by noise to the point where it can make me want to leave somewhere in a rush. Tapping, carrier bag rustling, anything repetitive really. Friends/colleagues laugh at me but sometimes I genuinely find it very hard to handle! (actually I did find a name for this via Mumsnet but I can't remember what it is).

In that situation I may well have left too. When I go to a coffee shop I don't expect peace and quiet but I hope it will be calm enough to enjoy. If it isn't I go. I wouldn't put my hands over my ears but I might like uncomfortable and then leave very abruptly.

OP I really feel for you as it sounds like it was a stressful situation. But I don't think the woman was especially rude. I understand why you, who was there, may think that, but I think it's unfair for the other posters to say that about a woman who never even spoke up! she just left!

Ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2014 16:49

You're going through a lot AMum - don't beat yourself up x

invisibleperson · 12/12/2014 16:50

Both adults I know with autism (quite severe) react like this to sudden loud noises. The other day we were at a bus stop and a child started screaming and she put her hands over her ears as she was pacing up and down. If you think about it, its not really a reaction you see in adults, yes the scrunching up of a face perhaps, but not the hands over the ears. She removed herself from the situation very quickly and its not really something for you to dwell on.

HopefulHamster · 12/12/2014 16:50

look uncomfortable, not like.

Original poster
AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:50

regina I did take her out. I noticed this woman as I was getting ready to take her outside. I took my DD outside for a bit for her to calm down right after this woman left.

OP posts:
Queenoftheworld · 12/12/2014 16:50

Are you upset because you feel a bit guilty/responsible for the fact that your DD was noisy? (you shouldn't, obv) Maybe you are still adjusting to your DD's diagnosis?

The lady did have a strong reaction - but that is up to her, and she dealt with it by leaving. She may even be feeling a bit stupid now.

Easier said that done, but try to let it go.

Dumpylump · 12/12/2014 16:51

Ok, my late teen ds is asd with associated learning difficulties....he's also very handsome, kindhearted and gentle, and loves going with ds2 for a hot chocolate and churros.
However, he would have reacted exactly as this lady did if your dd had been in his vicinity Sad

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 12/12/2014 16:51

I might have also covered up my ears I have damaged them and have titnuous,

HOWEVER....I would have had every sympathy for you and your dd and i would forget it!

I agree that her intention may not to have been un pleasant to you - she may have had a hearing aid in too....

dont take it personally, its so hard to move left or right these days in uk we are not a realzing easy place to live....work on a strategy for you - to keep calm and not care....

eddielizzard · 12/12/2014 16:51

take that sensitivity and understanding you correctly show your dd, and give some of it to that woman. yes, upsetting for you, but i know some autistic adults that wouldn't deal with that situation well.

gobbynorthernbird · 12/12/2014 16:53

AMum, it sounds very much like the lady didn't go out of her way to be rude to you, or try cause you any trouble. You will come across plenty of knobheads who do, unfortunately. Try let this one slide.

Although my first thought was that she maybe wasn't NT, there are lots of people who can't deal with that kind of noise, or she could have just been having an awful day. You're obviously upset, but the woman wasn't shouting at you, or complaining to the staff, she dealt with her issue quietly and left rather than make a fuss.

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/12/2014 16:55

God what a stupid bitch, honestly some people just can't empathise.

Did you look in a mirror before you posted that, because you appear to be fundamentally lacking in empathy yourself.

OP, as you say this is a new diagnosis and it will take a while for you to get used to it. I have a DD too, she's not diagnosed but I think she's probably got HFA too. She's certainly got traits, and proper screaming meltdowns when something isn't right are a feature - which is fun when the noise makes me want to claw my own eyeballs out! Unfortunately you are going to have to develop a thick skin because some people won't understand, and some people will be rude and dismissive and make the stupid "my child never did that" comments. But at the same token, there will be people who will themselves suffer because of how your DD expresses herself. I'd be one of them. At some point, your little girl might be that woman in a cafe- for me that sort of noise causes a physical pain, then I start to feel sick and like I just need to bolt. I have to get out of wherever I am. It's horrible.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 12/12/2014 16:56

OK, my guess is much more mundane but a 20 year old reacting badly to a horrible noise on the Friday after a lot of Christmas parties....my guess, totally extrapolating from my personal situation, is she had a minging hangover.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset given what you are dealing with but I also don't think she is unreasonable to expect a chance of a quiet coffee without a five year old 'screeching loudly and banging her hands against the table.'

Her reaction was extreme but instinctive, I think you need to live and let live, just as much as you are hoping other people will do to you.

Pastperfect · 12/12/2014 16:57

I realise you're going through a tough time at the moment but it's not a thick skin you need it's the ability to empathize with those whose situation is strikingly similar to your own.

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/12/2014 16:57

Also a reasonable guess ThinkAboutItTomorrow, there were some faces like that in my office today!

mistymorningmemories · 12/12/2014 16:57

I have misophonia and am very sensitive noise. Some noises cause me actual pain and provoke an intense flight or fight reaction. Just a possibility, she may just have been rude!!

Stealthpolarbear · 12/12/2014 16:59

Didnt we have this exact thread a couple of years ago?