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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be upset by this woman?

111 replies

AMumDoingHerBest · 12/12/2014 16:34

I don't even know what I hope to gain by posting this, I guess I just need to vent!

This morning I was sitting in a coffee shop with my DD who is 5 and has autism. She wasn't diagnosed until recently so I am trying to deal with everything and tbh I am struggling. However we go to this coffee shop every Friday and she always has the same thing - a kids hot chocolate with a marshmallow twirl thing.

Today however they had ran out of the marshmallows which DD was upset about but I was did my best to keep her calm and keep her preoccupied and did my best to prevent a meltdown. It worked for a while...I don't know if something else upset her but we had been sitting down for about five minutes when she suddenly started screeching loudly and banging her hands against the table.

I was doing my best to calm her down, really I was but she just wouldn't. Sad I was about to take her outside to let her calm down there but then I noticed that the woman sitting opposite me was scrunching up her face and had her hands over her ears. I also saw her shoot a dirty look in DD's direction. She then put her coat on and left.

I did manage to calm DD down by taking her outside and we also managed to finish our drinks and food but for some reason I just couldn't get this woman out of my head.

Fine if you didn't like the noise but was there really any need for her to cover her ears, scrunch up her face and throw us a dirty look? The worst thing is is that I know she left because of DD because she left half of her sandwich and most of her drink. That just made me feel even shittier.

I know I should just forget about it but I am still upset by this and I have no idea why.

My child has autism, what was her excuse for being a rude cow?

Sorry, I am just venting I know, don't mind me Sad.

OP posts:
CelesteToTheDance · 12/12/2014 17:02

I've left places because of screaming children, children banging, adults with irritating voices that travel... I've very little tolerance because certain noises agitate me in the extreme, I feel like I'm being electrocuted and can't concentrate on anything else so I leave.

I can't expect others to be unreasonably quiet for me and equally it would be unfair for them to expect me to sit there politely being tortured by their noise so as to avoid offending them.

Yabu. People don't leave fully paid, half eaten meals for no reason. You did the best you could but she couldn't cope with the situation.

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 17:05

I have a friend who lives near us. She has hearing problems and wears a hearing aid (invisible one) But high-pitched noises are actually quite painful to her and she, I know, would have had to cover her ears or she'd be really suffering. (a bit like Mistymorning above)
I shouldn't worry too much about that lady.
Hugs for you and your dear little girl. x

LadyLuck10 · 12/12/2014 17:05

Yabu for calling her a rude cow when she might have issues of her own. Don't expect sympathy from people when you can't give it yourself. Do you think someone would react like that for no reason? And how is she supposed to know anyway about your child's sn? Some children have full on tantrums without having sn.

Nydj · 12/12/2014 17:07

My teen who is also on the autistic spectrum would have done the same - a lot of people on the spectrum have sensitivity to noise, textures, tastes etc. They cannot help it and usually don't mean to upset others.

WeirdCatLady · 12/12/2014 17:11

You have my sympathies for what you are going through at the moment Flowers

However, as others have said, how come YOU deserve sensitivity and consideration but this woman doesn't? She didn't say anything to you, or complain, she was obviously upset by what was going on and had to leave her food and drink. I feel sorry for her, poor thing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2014 17:28

OP... I'm sorry that you're upset. The thing is, noise is noise. It doesn't matter who makes it or why they do, if there's a sensitive receptor there then they're going to be affected.

What was the timeline from your daughter screeching to you taking her out of the café? I ask because, just because this woman left hurriedly, there were presumably other people there too?

I think that most people are well-aware and quite disposed to being patient if they can see that a parent is trying to calm a child or removing it if that doesn't work, but there are some parents who blithely sit there, thin that people should tolerate any amount of noise and not do anything about it. I think some of them then feel in high dudgeon about it, having no thought to anybody affected. It really doesn't matter if the woman had SN or not, the noise was too much for her.

Tolerance really does go both ways and the posters decrying this woman and calling her names are disgusting themselves.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:31

It was really rude.

She could well have been stressed as hell and acting in a less than ideal way because of it. Have done so myself. .if I feel really on edge any noise really stresses me out..then felt bad afterwards.

Or she could just be rude.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:33

I think people offering sympathy to the poor woman is a bit harsh on the OP. It's not like she enjoys her DD kicking off in public, in fact it's immensely stressful to have a child who does that, and a lot more stressful than having someone make a loud noise near you for minute or two. Even if you have sensitive hearing (I do)

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:34

I understand about misophpnia as I have it btw.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 12/12/2014 17:34

I'm sure I read this very same op a couple of months ago.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 17:36

I read the OP not long after she posted and I have been debating whether to reply or not since then. Since most people who have replied have been understanding and I think only one has been nasty I have decided to go for it.

I was that woman in the cafe. I am not rude, a bitch or a cow. Other posters have guessed correctly though that I have ASD and yes am very sound sensitive.

Even noises that are innocuous to most people like bags rustling or people talking quietly can cause me physical pain and distress sometimes. Sometimes I can cope with this, sometimes I can't and have to leave. This morning was one of those times where I just couldn't and had to get out.

Yes I scrunched up my face and covered my ears but it's like I can't help it when I do that. It's a completely involuntary reaction and there have been a couple of times in the past when I haven't even realised I'm doing it. I don't remember giving anyone a dirty look though.

Also when this happens I honestly have no idea how to deal with it or what is the right way to deal with this so I will often end up leaving the situation.

Thank you though to the posters who have considered that there might have bee more to it Thanks (that's pretty much everyone by the looks of it). If there hadn't been as many sympathetic posts I don't think I would have posted this. And that's what I love about MN - I bet people on lots of other forums would have just said "what a bitch!", "nasty cow", etc.

And I hope I don't regret posting this.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:36

Most likely explanation tbh is not that woman had SN or misophonia or was having personal problems.

She undoubtedly IME just didn't realise your DD had autism and was being judge and intolerant and grumpy.

Happens all the time.

You do your best with your DD so don't let it get to you Thanks

CantBeBotheredThinking · 12/12/2014 17:37

XmasTimeMammariesandWine one day the ops child will be an adult who will still have autism, it isn't something that you grow out of, I'm quite certain that at that point the op would be annoyed if someone thought her daughter was being rude if she behaved the way this woman did.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:37

I cross posted.

Well that was a one in million.

Generally it's what I said.

You are really the woman in the OP?

Well how coincidental.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 17:38

And I also meant to name change for this but I've just realised it failed.

CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 17:38

As much as your DD cant control her behaviour, this woman probably can't control her own.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:39

Can't. Well I x posted. Never mind. You can try to stitch me up like a kipper if you want.

I am aware my DD will still have autism when she is older thanks. Hmm

What a weird thread.

Gruntfuttock · 12/12/2014 17:39

OP, please bear in mind that when she's an adult, your daughter may react in exactly the way this woman did. Will you think she's a rude cow? The woman may have had a splitting headache for all you know - or any number of other reasons for reacting as she did - as PPs have mentioned. She didn't say anything to you and your daughter, she left. Don't judge other people, especially if you object to anyone judging you or your daughter.

pictish · 12/12/2014 17:39

Well said lyingwitch.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 17:39

Xmas sorry I can't tell are you being sarcastic or genuine with your last post?

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:40

I stand by what I said that most likely explanation was that it was a judgey person as I see them every day.

Guess this was the odd occasion it wasn't

And here the woman is.

CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 17:40

Wow, it's a small world Shock. Has this ever happened before on MN?

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 12/12/2014 17:41

Partridge nope not sarcastic. Genuinely astonished that this thread is started then along comes the person in question within a few posts.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2014 17:41

My dd 7 has Autism, please just in the past where it belongs, if not you will worry about every little reaction and stare or comment. It just goes right over my head now. Mabey tge woman had a sensitivity to noise!

CrohnicallyAnxious · 12/12/2014 17:43

Wouldn't a judgy person be more likely to tut or make rude/PA comments? Or complain to management or whatever? Putting your hands over your ears is not a 'normal' thing for an adult to do, which is why I guessed SN rather than judgy.

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