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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discreet breastfeeding [title edited by HQ]

236 replies

KnackeredMerrily · 05/12/2014 12:43

Am I the only one to get furious when I keep reading people being 'reasonable' about breastfeeding.

"I dont mind people breastfeeding wherever they like as long as they're discrete about it."

There was NOTHING discrete about my breastfeeding. I didn't have the right breasts or the right latch to be able to be one of those who could do it with no one having a clue. Neither could I put a cover on - I needed to be able to keep a decent eye on him, make sure I wouldn't smother him with a boob, make sure he was attached and I never felt able to happily breathe under a cover (I have asthma) so I was never happy doing it to my son. For the first few months I used 2 hands feeding so it was tricky to establish latch under a cover and keep it so I could peek.

I feel that other women who cannot be discreet should be able to breastfeeds wherever they like and I feel a prang of pride everytime I am chatting to a Mum who is nonchalant about how much boob she shows when she is feeding. Good for them.

No new mother thinks "Hoorah, breastfeeding is a great excuse to get my tits out in public". It's always the caveat "as long as they're not showing anything", that really pisses me off. The ones that don't are not doing it for attention!!!

OP posts:

AmpleRaspberries · 06/12/2014 00:18

Ok, your courtesy cost you nothing and made others feel more comfortable. Great.

However, that's not everyone else's experience, so the expectation that they should do as you did because you were able to, and if they don't they are being discourteous is unfair.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:21

JCW I'm generalising. Obviously I dont know your nephews and I didn't mean to antagonise you. But the point is proved - as a society we shield the boys and then when they are all grown up, they find bf weird.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:25

Ample, I think you're wilfully misinterpreting what I've said. All I am trying to say is that in certain circumstances, if possible, a little consideration of others sensibilities, might just oil the wheels of life and make things easier for everyone. It's not always possible, but if it is, why not?

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:28

But they don't find bf weird now!! When they were young teenagers they did - now they're in their 20s they've matured and would be fine with it. My taking into account their teenage embarrassment didn't do the cause any harm. It just saved them from sitting there feeling mortified, that's all.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 06/12/2014 00:29

JCW, I guess that some people might find that others' sensibilities should be challenged rather than accepted? If they don't think that the sensibilities are warranted?

girlwiththemousyhair · 06/12/2014 00:29

Window you are geographically in the know. So getting your boob out to feed your infant has nothing to do with temperature then?

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:30

....and I didn't "shield" them because they were boys. I "shielded"them because it was obvious they were v uncomfortable, at that particular stage in their development, with the thought of seeing their aunt's boobs. If they'd been girls and felt the same way I'd have acted the same way.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:31

Militant feminism has never been attractive. It tars the brush of normal, sensitive people who like to oil the wheels of society and makes them feel like they are bad because they ARENT taking the legal right to bf whenever and wherever.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:32

See now, there's the thing JCW. I had a choice... Remove myself seventeen times a day, or just get on with it. They acclimatised.

JohnCusacksWife · 06/12/2014 00:35

Embarrassed, and in general I agree with that. Had I been in Claridges and feeding in the way the mother was if have told them to get stuffed. Because their reaction was unreasonable. But I understand the awkwardness felt by my FIL and nephews and so I was willing to make more of an effort to be discreet around them. Is that not ok?

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:36

Heh mouse never actually tried freeing a boob in the cold climes of Norway. But i do know about their rampant liberalism. You are almost legally required to be as feminist/inclusive/accommodating as possible.

God, I love France.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:37

Course it is JCW.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 06/12/2014 00:40

Of course it's ok, it's your choice. My choice would be to challenge, gently, every time.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:44

Just, sometimes, there is no choice. It's where you are, or a loo. That's really what hacks me off.

Loved Robert de Niro in Meet the Fockers with his fake boob. Any Americans on here tonight yet? There I go again with the generalising

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:49

Just ask yourselves who exactly finds bf in public weird.

Men, with and without children of their own, and presumably some women yet to have children? Pure speculation, clearly, I haven't done or seen any surveys.

But mostly, men, and I refer you back to my earlier post about mens sexual relationship with breasts.

FastWindow · 06/12/2014 00:50

Am talking purely about Costa Coffee etc here. Not your own living room with members of family, teenage, elderly or otherwise

Bambambini · 06/12/2014 08:56

Exactly, would do people really expect you to do when out with say pils and newborn starts screaming as dinner arrives. Is it really better to go to the loo or some remote dark corner and miss another warm meal.

Icimoi · 06/12/2014 09:09

If the baby is hungry then of course feed them wherever, to feed in the most prominent place just to make a point that you are BF and should be allowed to BF anywhere shows a lack of judgement

I wish you would give examples of this Tron, as you seem to have evaded that question so far. What is the "most prominent place" to do it and how do you know? If someone is, say, sitting in the middle of a restaurant rather than facing a wall, how do you know that that is because they are making a point rather than sitting there because it was the only table, or it was the the one their companion chose?

NorahBone · 06/12/2014 09:11

Thing is JCW you were able to be considerate to your relatives because you knew them and were sitting near them. That's a judgement that most people can make. But the problem comes when a woman's expected to make a judgement on whether her feeding her baby is going to make an entire restaurant of strangers feel uncomfortable and whether it's reasonable for her to have to go to great lengths to ensure someone three tables away doesn't catch a glimpse of side boob.

YonicScrewdriver · 06/12/2014 09:48

"Militant feminism has never been attractive. "

Fast, not sure where this comes in on this thread?

hackmum · 06/12/2014 10:02

This reminds me a lot of things people used to say about gay people: "I don't mind people being gay, as long as they don't flaunt it."

Cover yourself up, hide yourself away, try to make sure people aren't aware you even exist. Because you wouldn't want them feeling uncomfortable, would you?

TheTravellingLemon · 06/12/2014 10:16

Apologies for not having RTFT. I just wanted to make two points.

Firstly, OP - you breastfeed like me! Boob, milk and baby flying all over the place. I was so envious of those elegant mums that just popped their baby on. In the end I just resigned myself to the fact that everyone would see my boobs. There was no other way, unless I rushed home every 45 minutes.

Secondly, and I'm sure this point has been made, I will never understand the disconnect in our sensibilities in this society. It's okay for boobs to be on display in magazines and newspapers because it's either art or a woman's choice or just a bit if fun or whatever, but it's somehow gross when she is feeding a baby.

That all said, when I took my baby to visit my elderly grandparents I fed him upstairs so as not to upset my DGF. So I'm a massivery hypocrite I guess.

hackmum · 06/12/2014 10:38

Not a hypocrite, TheTravellingLemon, just avoiding confrontation, which is probably wise, really.

I was just reading the Mail Online (sorry, folks), and they have a piece about Erica Roe, famous for streaking during a rugby match in the 70s. This caught my eye:

"The mother, who shunned the limelight to become a sweet potato farmer following her escapade in 1982, has a 34G bust which still looks splendid considering she has breastfed three children."

So depressing, isn't it? That casual implication that breastfeeding makes your breasts droop (which it doesn't), and nicely illustrating the view that feeding your children is actually the secondary purpose of your breasts, while the primary one, of course, is to be attractive.

perplexedpirate · 06/12/2014 11:20

Actually, my militant feminism brings ALL the boys to the yard, not that I'd give a shit if it didn't.

Bambambini · 06/12/2014 12:15

The comments in the DM are depressing and disgusting. I hate The Mail but am equally fascinated and shocked with the viewpoints of those who comment.

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