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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boris Bike and DH ! and my SN kids.

56 replies

trackies · 04/12/2014 16:32

Just to give you some background, I have two SN kids. I started working again a year ago and have found it difficult to juggle with hospital appointments and therapy for the kids. I was depressed earlier in the year due to the my overall workload. I am responsible for everything apart from actually doing DH's job ! He is quite happy to allow me to drown in everything whilst he makes time for his hobbies. He has alot of freedom and money. I feel crushed. So i'm not happy but I just get on with it for the sake of the kids.

Anyway, a few months ago DH mentioned Boris Bikes and the possibility of using them to get to work. He only has a 15 min walk to work from the station. I said that I wold prefer that he didn't use them as I felt it was dangerous riding a bike in central london (especially without a helmet) and if anything happens to him, me and his SN kids will be in alot of trouble as I can't go back to work full time as SN kids are too demanding. We are already struggling financially as he took a big pay cut earlier this year. I heard nothing else after that.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Boris Bike Hire asking to speak to my DH about his account. I said "errrr what? his what? sorry who are you?"

I then rang DH at work who pretended he didn't know what i was talking about until I said "they said you emailed them about your account." At which point he stopped denying it and admitted he'd been riding them.

I then spent about 4 hours wondering if he's having an affair cos of the damn Boris Bike revelation. Maybe it's easier to get to Soho and back on his Boris bike !

When he got home, he apologised and said he knew I wouldn't like it so he decided not to tell me, and that he's going to carry on riding them anyway.

Very pissed off: about the lying and about the i dont really care what you think bit.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Meloria · 04/12/2014 16:44

YANBU about him lying to you

But YABVU about the bikes and paranoia generally. Is he allowed to cross roads all by himself?

LaurieFairyCake · 04/12/2014 16:49

Yes you are, your issues are cock all to do with bikes

Share the load more equally, go out and get some hobbies, get him to look after his own children, spend more of your family money on you if he's 'got plenty'.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 04/12/2014 16:51

Wow. If a woman had come on and said her husband had been so controlling she'd be advised to ltb. And rightly so.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 16:53

Why can't he ride a bike?

But you need to split the leisure time equally.

Your issue isn't the bikes.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 04/12/2014 16:53

Do agree with Laurie re the sharing the load.

whatsagoodusername · 04/12/2014 16:55

Buy him a helmet and a bag to carry it in for Christmas. And make him step up more to help you with your family so you also have time for a hobby. Sounds like you need a break.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 16:56

ok i agree that it's nothing to do with the bikes.

He won't help. He is always saying HE needs more time, despite admitting that he already gets alot more spare time than me.

OP posts:
2tired2bewitty · 04/12/2014 16:57

As well as sharing the load more evenly, sounds like you should also make sure you both have adequate life/incapacity insurance. It doesn't have to be a bike that causes disaster.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 04/12/2014 16:57

It's not about the bikes.

But this sentence stands out to me "if anything happens to him, me and his SN kids will be in alot of trouble as I can't go back to work full time as SN kids are too demanding". Maybe it's the wording "me and his SN kids" which sounds a bit off, but if I was worried about my DH being killed/injured, my main concern would be because I love him and don't want to lose him.

You (both) need to sort your other issues and not get side tracked by the bike discussion.

Ps. Get life insurance!

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 16:58

whatsagoodusername he has a helmet but says he doesnt need to use it on a boris bike cos no one else does

OP posts:
merrymouse · 04/12/2014 17:01

I started working again a year ago and have found it difficult to juggle with hospital appointments and therapy for the kids. I was depressed earlier in the year due to the my overall workload. I am responsible for everything apart from actually doing DH's job ! He is quite happy to allow me to drown in everything whilst he makes time for his hobbies. He has alot of freedom and money.

Sod the bike! What on earth is going on with 'his' hobbies and 'his' money?

DoJo · 04/12/2014 17:03

Agree with the fact that you cannot control what your husband does on the pretence that it is something to do with your SN children - you need to address the actual issues rather than fixating on the bike situation as that is really not the issue. For starters, would it help if you got some insurance to cover you financially in the event that anything did happen to him? And then you need to rearrange your workloads so that you get some leisure time as well - it sounds like the current arrangement is a bit claustrophobic for you, which is probably not helping you see things rationally.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:06

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually yes i can see why you think that. I do love him, but TBH he has behaved so selfishly and entitled over the last few years, that i would have left him by now if it wasn't for the situation. He does quite frequently come up with "well your life would be worse if I wasn't here wouldn't it." As if i should be just grateful for the small amount of help/money i get.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:07

Life Insurance: yes i brought that up months ago and he shouted at me that i was "plotting and scheming." btw. I have had life insurance for years!

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 04/12/2014 17:09

Do you cook for him or do his laundry? If so then stop doing anything for him that affects him only. He can do his own laundry, cook for himself, if he refuses to be part of the family then he doesn't get things done for him.

Summerisle1 · 04/12/2014 17:09

It strikes me that your real problem has nothing at all to do with Boris and his Bikes but everything to do with the way your husband appears to have checked out leaving you to manage everything. Including two children with special needs.

Has he got any redeeming qualities? Only I'd find it very hard to love anyone who consistently put themselves first.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:10

merrymouse he likes to use the phrase "it's our money" but it isn't. For years he's put the bare minimum into the joint account and kept alot for himself to spend as he pleases. When i went to work part-time he was trying to get me to put in 80% of my salary, leaving me with barely nothing, whilst he would put in a third of his salary, leaving him with alot. I had to fight to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:12

DejaVuAllOverAgain he does his own laundry. I do my laundry and the kids (alot of it due to constant wee accidents). Cooking is shared (cos he gets hungry).

OP posts:
Girlwhowearsglasses · 04/12/2014 17:12

Life insurance and ALSO income protection insurance. If something happens that means he can't do his current job you would have an income.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 04/12/2014 17:14

His attitude towards honesty/bikes sucks, but worse is his attitude towards the shared financial and practical responsibilities of parenting.

Yes, I have asked my DH not to do certain things I consider risky.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:15

Summerisle1 he's a Jackyl and Hyde character. Lovely for a few days, grumpy for a few days. When he was out of work, we got on really well as i had more help, although he did initially try to tell me that I shouldn't expect him to help as he would be spending ALL DAY job hunting, including when kids are getting ready for school. We had a massive row. My mum came round and insisted that he should be able to help out a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:17

DustOffYourHighestHopes thank you. He does expect DD to wear a helmet even on a scooter so it annoys me even more that he has a different rule for himself

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 04/12/2014 17:17

How much does he improve your life - really? Have you actually worked out whether statutory CSA payments plus benefits would leave you financially considerably worse off than the stingy contribution he makes now? Because if that's all he's contributing and he still thinks he's being heroically good to you it might be time for a bit of a reality check.

ouryve · 04/12/2014 17:20

The bike thing seems to be a symptom of how little regard he holds you in.

How are the kids benefitting from having him around, if he's not pulling his weight practically and not allowing you access to enough money?

If you're not claiming dla and carers allowance, then do so, but don't put it into an account that e can access. It is for the kids and for you. He is financially abusive, if you hadn't already thought of it that way, btw.

merrymouse · 04/12/2014 17:21

Trackies, I think some posters who could give you good advice might be more likely to be on 'relationships' than 'AIBU'.

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