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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boris Bike and DH ! and my SN kids.

56 replies

trackies · 04/12/2014 16:32

Just to give you some background, I have two SN kids. I started working again a year ago and have found it difficult to juggle with hospital appointments and therapy for the kids. I was depressed earlier in the year due to the my overall workload. I am responsible for everything apart from actually doing DH's job ! He is quite happy to allow me to drown in everything whilst he makes time for his hobbies. He has alot of freedom and money. I feel crushed. So i'm not happy but I just get on with it for the sake of the kids.

Anyway, a few months ago DH mentioned Boris Bikes and the possibility of using them to get to work. He only has a 15 min walk to work from the station. I said that I wold prefer that he didn't use them as I felt it was dangerous riding a bike in central london (especially without a helmet) and if anything happens to him, me and his SN kids will be in alot of trouble as I can't go back to work full time as SN kids are too demanding. We are already struggling financially as he took a big pay cut earlier this year. I heard nothing else after that.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Boris Bike Hire asking to speak to my DH about his account. I said "errrr what? his what? sorry who are you?"

I then rang DH at work who pretended he didn't know what i was talking about until I said "they said you emailed them about your account." At which point he stopped denying it and admitted he'd been riding them.

I then spent about 4 hours wondering if he's having an affair cos of the damn Boris Bike revelation. Maybe it's easier to get to Soho and back on his Boris bike !

When he got home, he apologised and said he knew I wouldn't like it so he decided not to tell me, and that he's going to carry on riding them anyway.

Very pissed off: about the lying and about the i dont really care what you think bit.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:29

mumonashoestring he does contribute more now after i fought for it. So we're better off than if i was getting CSA payments.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 17:32

Thank you merrymouse

OP posts:
Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 04/12/2014 17:46

You get pissed off about the boris bike situation, when your husband does squat all to help you? You have lost sight of the big issue.

I think you are being unreasonable with regard to the bike issue though. Whilst you might not be happy about it, it's his right.

By the way, you don't need to refer to your children as SN kids throughout your post. We got that the first time you mentioned it.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 04/12/2014 18:10

I genuinely think a good relationship does not consist of each person asserting their 'right' to do certain activities. It is all about compromise, about neither person being too controlling, but about each person having the freedom to request certain things of their partner.

Personally I have invested 10 years of my life, my womb and my entire heart in my DH, and he owes me to be careful with his life and to respect any reasonable requests I might have. Asking a mountain-biking professional to give up his job might be unreasonable. Asking a man to use an alternative form of commuting is not. And from a practical and financial perspective, with a young baby and a wife on mat leave it would be disastrous for us (and, similarly, for OP) if he died or even he was injured in any way. Right hand sprained would mean, for example, he couldn't work or help at home.

But as we have all said, the bike issue is a red herring.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 19:12

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 -
"By the way, you don't need to refer to your children as SN kids throughout your post. We got that the first time you mentioned it."

I don't think I have kept mentioning that I have SN kids throughout my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 19:17

DustOffYourHighestHopes thank you. You are all right about bike issue being a red herring. It is about the lack of compromise and the fact that he feels that he can do whatever he wants without taking me into consideration.

He's constantly goes on about one of his mates who goes out all of the time. His mate has kids and says there isn't any negotiation with his wife. He just goes out as and when he pleases. He's out all the time. She has to look after the kids. DH tells me this as he feels that this is what he should be able to do.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 04/12/2014 19:30

How charming of him, and his friend sounds like a catch too.

Surreyblah · 04/12/2014 19:31

Sounds like he has checked out of your relationship and his responsibilities as a father. If you lived apart, would he want to have the children for part of the time and pay maintenance?

Humansatnav · 04/12/2014 19:32

The your dh is a twat.

Surreyblah · 04/12/2014 19:33

And he won't get life insurance?!

DoJo · 04/12/2014 19:40

Honestly, he sounds like a dick. How you have only taken issue with his Boris Bike registration is beyond me, when he seems to think that his needs and desires are the beginning and end of everything and you and your children can like it or lump it. Is there any reason to stay with him other than the money (as you have already said you get more than the CSA would allocate)? And have you taken into account the benefits you might be able to claim? Because it seriously sounds like you need to be prepared to go it alone if needs be. Perhaps get in touch with the wife of this arse-hole friend - the two of you could probably move in together and enjoy a much more supportive life than you are now.

PedantMarina · 04/12/2014 19:50

Errm, does he have to sign any papers/lift a finger for him to have life assurance? Genuine question...

FoxgloveFairy · 04/12/2014 19:57

It sounds to me as though you have both checked out of the relationship really. He plainly doesn't care that you feel overwhelmed ( understandably) and you sound quite cold and clinical at the thought of a terrible Boris bike accident. Life insurance sounds like a good idea, and income protection, given your responsibilities. If he kicks up a stink, he needs to grow up. He has a wife and two children. About a fairer division of labour, I don't know what to suggest. He sounds like the sort that will make all the right noises and continue to not do exactly what they were not doing before. Or do it, but so badly and asking so many stupid questions that it's quicker and easier to do it yourself. Is a cleaner a possibility, paid out of his money?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/12/2014 19:57

"He does quite frequently come up with "well your life would be worse if I wasn't here wouldn't it." "
Frequently? Sad

trackies, I'd hazard a guess that the reason you focused on the Boris bikes is because it's become too scary and emotionally exhausting to focus on the real problem.

Maybe it would be less scary and exhausting if you actually looked at what it would be like without him. He'd have to pay maintenance for the kids, there are tax credits, your council tax would reduce because only one adult would be living there. There's probably more, that's just off the top of my head. Then there's the less tangible differences - not being disrespected, not having your self-esteem knocked.

I think it would do you a lot of good if you could respond to him next time - 'actually it wouldn't be worse at al'.

FoxgloveFairy · 04/12/2014 19:59

Oops, should clarify. I meant it's understandable that theop would feel overwhelmed, not that it's understandable that her husband doesn't care!

ouryve · 04/12/2014 20:00

Yes. And he has to consent to a medical, if required, as well as giving details of family medical history.

If he is liable for a mortgage, then he probably does have it.

Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 20:34

Agreed about the life insurance. I don't know his medical history so he would need to help me fill the form out (it's on my very long to do list). He finally agreed to life insurance but only after a massive row following his "plotting and scheming" accusation.

WhereYouLeftIt you are right. I have actually said at least I won't have to put up with this sh*t and made it clear that he will have to look after the kids half of the time, to make sure he understands that he is also going to be a single parent having a hard time. He usually calms down for a while after that.

I will have a look into child tax credits and benefits again.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 20:38

FoxgloveFairy - we got a cleaner when i started working again. He wouldn't pay for one before that. But then he lost his job and got a new one earning alot less so i've cut down the cleaner drastically.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 20:41

whereyouleftit
"become too scary and emotionally exhausting to focus on the real problem."

Absolutely, yes! I am exhausted! Everyday, I get up and I struggle with just getting normal day to day things done. So the thought of leaving or asking him to leave would probably finish me off. But i will check my options. Thankyou.

OP posts:
bedraggledmumoftwo · 04/12/2014 20:52

He sounds like he needs to grow up to me.

fwiw, i ride Boris bikes and do use a helmet most of the time. Lots of people do. But my journey is 25 mins through Trafalgar square! If he is only a 15 min walk, that's only five minutes on a bike so less risky i guess.

PedantMarina · 04/12/2014 21:04

Ooh, forgot to mention, he's full of shit about nobody wearing a helmet whilst riding a Barclay* Bike: a lot of people do. I did when I was riding one.

  • I flat-out refuse to call it the other name. Ken started it. >stamps little foot
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 21:14

That's good to know about the helmets. He could at least consider wearing a helmet.

OP posts:
Original poster
trackies · 04/12/2014 21:15

.on his Barclay bike :) sorry i had no idea Ken started it

OP posts:
ouryve · 04/12/2014 21:20

And whoever started it, Serco manage them.

zzzzz · 04/12/2014 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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