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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am BU, but would this bother anyone else?

256 replies

FedRightUpWithWork · 02/12/2014 20:13

DD goes to a girls only grammar (yr7) there is to be a Christmas disco with the boys grammar years 7 & 8 only. On reading the letter which was sent home it states 'to ensure the enjoyment and safety of the students, we are asking for your support and co-operation. Girls should be modestly dressed. Students arriving unsuitably dressed will be [...] sent home to change.'

This makes me really uncomfortable, and I can't quite verbalise why, I think it's the implication that the way girls dress can cause the boys to misbehave? That at the age of 11 they are being held responsible for how others may act? And who decides what is 'modest'? My DD loves wearing shorts and tights, but they are short so would they be unsuitable, despite no flesh on display? I'm really not explaining myself well, but would it bother anyone else?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 02/12/2014 20:15

I think you're explaining yourself perfectly and I absolutely agree with you. I would like to know what letter the parents at the boys' school have been sent, and I would ask, for the reasons you give.

SaucyJack · 02/12/2014 20:16

Ew. YANBU. We're not in fricking Saudi Arabia.

avocadotoast · 02/12/2014 20:17

Ugh yes that would bother me, and I'd definitely think thats what they were implying. How inpleasant.

avocadotoast · 02/12/2014 20:17

*UNpleasant, obviously!

Moreisnnogedag · 02/12/2014 20:19

Ooh no that would fucking bother me a lot. I have a DS and the implication is that he in the future (he's only 4) couldn't manage himself if girls showed flesh. It's so bloody rude and sexist in all manner of ways. I'd be certainly annoyed that this was the message that they were teaching girls - that the way they dress makes them responsible for others actions. Appalling.

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:20

How does dressing "modestly" ensure safety? Are they implying that "immodest" clothing is in some way dangerous?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 20:20

Other than writing a strongly worded complaint to the school, I'd be digging my shortest skirt and highest heels out of the wardrobe to drop off and pick up.

DD would kill me but that's not the point

Andcake · 02/12/2014 20:21

Awful - maybe speak to a few other mums and approach the school together.

ApocalypseThen · 02/12/2014 20:21

It's really shocking. Have you spoken to any of the other parents?

skylark2 · 02/12/2014 20:22

I would assume that the "safety" bit is referring to massively high heels and very tight skirts, or possibly vast amounts of bare flesh in a chilly school hall in December, rather than the boys being unable to contain themselves.

"Modestly dressed" always makes me think of something faintly Quaker.

Personally I can't see why shorts over reasonably solid tights wouldn't be appropriate.

Liara · 02/12/2014 20:24

Fucking hell, talk about blaming the victims before there even are any!

I have two sons and I would expect them to behave impeccably even if all the girls were almost naked (when they are old enough to notice that they are almost naked, that is).

Modestly dressed Shock. I am spluttering with indignation, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

AuntieStella · 02/12/2014 20:25

Was the letter specific to families of the girls school?

Did the boys school also send out a letter? Did it mention dress code too?

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:25

I doubt it skylark. They didn't ban clothes that are inherently dangerous, they banned "immodest" clothes, so clearly they consider a lack of modesty to be dangerous. I'd be asking why that is. Oh and saying that tight skirts are a danger is ludicrous btw.

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 02/12/2014 20:25

I've not read this quite as others have. When we have year 7 discos you would be horrified at what some of the girls wear - tiny, skin tight, bum skimming dresses and really high heels etc. I think they are totally inappropriately dressed - not because the boys couldn't control themselves (I didn't see that in this letter but would totally understand outrage if this is suggested) but because the girls are 12 years old! Some of them try to out-do each other and I know that one of our girls was hospitalised for three months with an eating disorder. For her health her parents should not have been allowing her to dress, and think of herself, as a sexually provocative woman when she's just a girl. My understanding is that there can be competitive dieting in all girls schools. Maybe they are trying to protect girls from all this?

Liara · 02/12/2014 20:25

Believe me, to ensure the enjoyment of the boys you do not need the girls to be 'modestly dressed'.

FFS, they are only 11! They don't have any flesh to show to speak of.

lornathewizzard · 02/12/2014 20:26

Yep that's really outta line. Putting the onus on the girls is classic blame culture, but the implication the boys (young boys!) won't be able to control themselves is awful aswell. I'm not a complainer but this would get me writing a strongly worded email!

CaptainAnkles · 02/12/2014 20:27

Send it to Everyday Sexism.
That would really bug me too. The boys' behaviour is conditional on what the girls are wearing? Really? Hmm

Roonerspism · 02/12/2014 20:27

I would be furious. I wouldn't know where to start...,

And the implication if course is that if your DD does not dress "modestly", it is her fault if it becomes "unsafe".

Jesus wept. Do you live in the UK?!

AddToBasket · 02/12/2014 20:28

Wow. YANBU. Not at all.

I am not a freelance journalist looking for a story, but if I were a freelance journalist looking for a story I'd be pm'ing you right now.

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:28

Redridinghoodie - do you honestly think banning short skirts has any effect on eating disorders?

WooWooOwl · 02/12/2014 20:30

To be fair, how often do you see boys/men going out with so little covering them up that they could be on a tropical beach?

I can't see the problem tbh, I'd much rather a girls school expected students to dress modestly than condoned them being covered in make up, wearing push up bras and skirts that could pass as belts.

DuelingFanjo · 02/12/2014 20:30

I would really question what they mean by 'safety' and why it only applies to girls.

AddToBasket · 02/12/2014 20:33

This has so bothered me, OP.
Was it from the HT?

fluffling · 02/12/2014 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 20:34

The letter is probably poorly worded but I do understand what they mean. Boys will be there in jeans and shirts or sweatshirts and the girls? Well I remember dropping my daughter off at school discos and was horrified at how inappropriate some of the outfits were. I used to work for the vice squad and quite honestly I had seen more modest outfits in the course of my work.

I have seen year 2 kids in high heels that I would have difficulty walking in, tight skirts, tiny tops that don't stay in place.

I don't think they are implying that the boys are going to rape and pillage, and to be honest as the mother of sons I think that would be even more insulting than asking girls to dress modestly, I think they would likek the children to be dressed like? Children?