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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am BU, but would this bother anyone else?

256 replies

FedRightUpWithWork · 02/12/2014 20:13

DD goes to a girls only grammar (yr7) there is to be a Christmas disco with the boys grammar years 7 & 8 only. On reading the letter which was sent home it states 'to ensure the enjoyment and safety of the students, we are asking for your support and co-operation. Girls should be modestly dressed. Students arriving unsuitably dressed will be [...] sent home to change.'

This makes me really uncomfortable, and I can't quite verbalise why, I think it's the implication that the way girls dress can cause the boys to misbehave? That at the age of 11 they are being held responsible for how others may act? And who decides what is 'modest'? My DD loves wearing shorts and tights, but they are short so would they be unsuitable, despite no flesh on display? I'm really not explaining myself well, but would it bother anyone else?

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 20:35

The way it's worded and the implication behind it is not on at all.

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 20:36

Re the boys getting letters, I assume as it is a different school their HT will be sending out letters about issues he considers important.

skylark2 · 02/12/2014 20:37

Tight skirts plus high heels on a 12 year old at a disco couldn't possibly be dangerous?

Nice little fantasy world you live in there, cailindana. I'm almost tempted to call it ludicrous.

I'm with littleredridinghoodie. The only word I object to in the whole lot is "modestly".

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:37

The question to ask there granny is why is it "stylish" for girls to wear skimpy clothes? And where are they getting those messages from? It's ridiculous to bring girls up in a world where every message they get is that their looks are all that matter and to them point the finger at them when that message sinks in and they feel under pressure to look "sexy."

Original poster

FedRightUpWithWork · 02/12/2014 20:37

Thank you all so much! It's good to know I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I have no idea what the letter from the boys school says, nor will I be able to find out I don't think.

I don't know any other parents to speak to either, however I will still write to the PSA outlining my concerns over the wording and implications of their letter.

Thanks again

OP posts:

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:38

I didn't say high heels aren't dangerous. They didn't say "no high heels" they say they wanted them to dress "modestly."

Please explain to me the health and safety dangers of skirts, I'm dying to know.

Leonas · 02/12/2014 20:38

While I agree that the girls should be modestly dressed, I think it is odd that they imply that lack of modesty = lack of safety. Surely the letter should request modest dress as is appropriate for 11yr olds and sensible behaviour too?
Fwiw, I think that tights and shorts are fine :)

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2014 20:39

The 'safety' part is probably referring to skyscraper heels, that's all.

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:41

Again I doubt it Worra. If it were referring to heels, they could easily have said, no heels higher than 2 inches or whatever. But they didn't say that, they said the girls need to dress "modestly."

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 20:42

Usually I'm the first one to say 'theres dress codes for a reason' but on this one, the wording has got me.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2014 20:42

It could easily have said that yes

But it didn't.

It just sounds like a clumsily worded letter to me.

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 20:42

cailindana I think the school is trying to give them the message that it isn't all about how they look, and that isn't a bad thing surely? I didn't want my daughter out dressed in crop tops, mini skirts and heels when she was 11. I wish the school had sent a message like this so that girls didn't feel pressure to conform to this sort of outfit.

From what I remember about 11 year old boys the message to them would probably need to be remember to have a wash and put something on that you don't play football in, but maybe it was only mine who seemed to be surgically attached to their footballs and kits.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/12/2014 20:44

are they expecting them.all to turn up in push up bras and pvc or something.

Just what is it they think 11 yr olds wear.

modestly. ffs wear are the instructions for the boys or are the girls responsible for everyone's actions

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 20:44

Personally I don't see why it shouldn't be 'pupils should be modestly dressed'. I've seen lads with their arses hanging out with their jeans near their knees, and if this is truly for 'safety' then it would be a point.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 02/12/2014 20:45

Girls need to dress modestly for their own safety.

Fucking. Hell.

That is appalling. I wouldn't actually mind a 'modest dress please' type letter. I think overly 'adult' clothes on a year 7 child is wrong. That wording implies that if they dress inappropriately boys will Do Things.

Seems the victim blaming starts early at this school. Do they have history?

cailindana · 02/12/2014 20:46

Can you identify (and this is a genuine question granny) what exactly is wrong with an 11 year old wearing crop tops, mini skirts and heels?

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 20:47

GraysAnalogy they are two different schools, would be a bit odd for the girls school to send letters to boys at a different school. I assume the boys have had letters from their own school.

I see your point about the boys jeans, that wasn't a fashion when mine were at school but boys do seem to wear their jeans a bit low now don't they.

mynewpassion · 02/12/2014 20:47

Depends on the culture of the school. My impression is that all girls or all boys school tends to be more conservative. This might be keeping in line with their culture.

stardusty5 · 02/12/2014 20:47

The implication that the girls' dress will make them unsafe around the boys is not good.

However, having also worked on pre-teen discos, I have seen young girls dressed in nightclub style outfits which are not age appropriate, very short skirts, low cut tops and very high heels etc. While I understand people asking whether the boys have been warned about dress code, this does not really translate, as men's 'nightclub' wear is not usually so different from mainstream clothing, t-shirts/shirts, jeans/trousers etc.

Genuinely interested as to how people feel about age appropriate clothing when it comes to the sexism issue.

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 20:48

Sorry I should have probably said 'pupils have been asked to dress modestly', I dunno just to ensure that there's nothing misconstrued, which is either what's happened here or they really are thinking that young boys can't resist girls in short skirts and heels.

atticusfinchatemybaby · 02/12/2014 20:50

The idea of 'modesty' would be hilariously quaint if it wasn't so insulting. I'm with skylark - you should send your dd in wearing a 17th century quaker bonnet and dress. Or maybe just a full burkha. I understand if the school doesn't want the kids dressing like they're at a 'pimps n' ho's' party but there are ways of saying that which don't imply all girls are slags asking to get raped... (and no, before any confusion kicks off, i don't think anybody 'asks to be raped' or that your clothes have anything to do with it - that's what the school seems to be implying).

atticusfinchatemybaby · 02/12/2014 20:50

P.s. you should print this thread and post it to the pta.

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 20:51

stardusty It's a funny one for me age appropriate clothing. It goes against what I believe in when I say that some clothes sexualise girls, because I believe they should be able to wear what they want without being sexualised IYSWIM. I struggle getting my head around it.

However, I've seen a lot of stuff recently in the news about young women in high school getting annoyed and offended about not being able to wear TIGHT TIGHT trousers and strappy tops, and saying it's sexist. I don't believe that's sexist, it's about learning that there are certain outfits that are appropriate for certain places/events.

Original poster

FedRightUpWithWork · 02/12/2014 20:51

The letter came from the PSA not the school, the school have been really good so far in their positive treatment of girls/women which is why I was a bit at the letter.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 02/12/2014 20:51

cailindana, context I suppose, on a beach playing I would see it as fine. Some of the outfits I saw at school discos were very adult, it is about the style and when you put it with high heels and make up I don't think it looks appropriate. I think they are still very young at 11 and although they are getting interested in more grown up clothes I think it is something that shouldn't be done to excess. I liked it even less on the 6 year olds. Apart from anything else they can't feel comfortable in the heels I have seen some wearing and yes I think it can be dangerous. I have seen girls ending up with a sprained ankle which is painful.

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