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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inheritance row

146 replies

Nutmeg303 · 02/12/2014 12:36

I'm new to the site, so hello everyone.
I have been told I have inherited some money from a friend of my mother's. She and my father have also inherited the same amount. She's a little upset that my siblings have been left out. She has told me that she is sharing the money with my dad, so I should be sharing the money I have inherited with my siblings. She argues this by saying that her friend must have forgotten their names, but she knew her and she is sure this is what she wanted. She is also angry that because she is sharing with my dad, she feels she is getting less than me.

I hate arguments and I love my siblings and my plan was to give them a third of my inheritance, which is a substantial amount. I would like to keep the rest of the money for my own family. I need a sanity check here - but do you think I am being unreasonable? I am under intense pressure, and my dad doesn't stand up to her and I know that my siblings will probably agree with her because they stand to benefit so i feel quite isolated.
Thanks everyone in advance

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 03/12/2014 18:50

The main thing is that it is nothing to do with your mother. She can't dictate to you and her views aren't something to take into account unless you want to. What she plans to do with her share (on which she didn't consult you, presumably) isn't relevant to you either.

Your plan to give them a third sounds very kind. I would deal directly with your siblings about that and leave your mother very much on the sidelines.

flowery · 03/12/2014 18:51

In this situation I would absolutely split it equally with my brothers. It wouldn't feel at all fair to me otherwise, I would be very embarrassed.

m0therofdragons · 03/12/2014 19:00

My great aunt left money to her God daughter and one of her dc. I don't know why she didn't do the other dc and maybe it was an oversight. She was very elderly. Anyway, her God daughter complained to my great uncle and he ended up giving some of his own money to the other dc because she made him feel so bad. I'm glad I never met her as in my mind she forced a 90 year old man to give her daughter money. Disgusting. For me it would depend on the amount and my brother's financial situation. Technically the money would be yours but if you choose to share it it's up to you and none of your mum's business.

JustSpeakSense · 03/12/2014 19:01

Just out of interest OP, who (out if your family) attended the funeral? Your DM? You? Which if your siblings?

MistyMistletoe · 03/12/2014 19:05

I have not read the full thread so I am posting in response to the initial post by Nutmeg, welcome btw Smile

I feel that people's money is theirs to leave to whom they wish. If you are named in the will and no conditions or requests were attached the money is yours to do with how you so wish.

Nonetheless you have said you intend to share, just not to the same degree your mother has suggested. I still feel you are being very generous.

In regards to your mother putting you under emotional strain to share with your siblings how's she sees is fair is not really the ticket. If your mother has chosen to share hers 50/50 that is her decision but it's no bench mark for you to follow, nor should your mother continue to put you under pressure to do so.

I wish you well and hope you come to a decision that you (above anyone else) are comfortable with.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 03/12/2014 19:18

I have read the while thread.

The OP scarpered when the questions started coming.

Having read the thread,nit would seem to me that the OP doesn't know the deceased. She avoids answering the question, plus she doesn't know whether the deceased knew her siblings. If she knew the deceased, she would know this surely!

So, the upshot is, this does look like an error. Not uncommon. Elderly confused and ill. Wanted to leave something to her friend's children but could only remember the OP.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 03/12/2014 19:32

This doesn't make sense. You know what the deceased's wishes were. Your siblings can always contest the will if they feel that things have been handled incorrectly.

wowfudge · 03/12/2014 19:36

SuperFly the OP stated she thought the deceased didn't know her siblings. So not supposition on my part at all!

KatieKaye · 03/12/2014 19:43

This lady has kindly remembered you and DM in her will.

If DM feels so strongly that your siblings should also benefit, then she is at liberty to give them the whole of her bequest. You are already being very generous indeed - and perhaps, like some of the posters here they will turn around and refuse to take any money that was left to you.

Basically, DM needs to butt out. It is none of her business what you do with money that was left to you and it's shocking that she is attempting to exert pressure on you.

There has been some talk of DM's will and how she might "cut you out" if you don't do what she wants. This might be a possibility, but remember that there is also the chance that any inheritance from DM might be eaten up by nursing home fees.

It's clear that DM regards "your" family as being your siblings, herself and DF, rather than your DH and DC. Do you share this view or do you think this bequest should actually be shared between yourself, DH and DCs? As this kind lady left an equal share to you and to DM is sounds as if she wanted you to have this money, not your siblings. Let DM "right a wrong" if she feels so strongly about it by giving away her entire share. Only I bet she won't.

whitesandstorm · 03/12/2014 19:47

Getting an unexpected inheritance is rather like a lottery win. You wouldn't automatically share a lottery win but more than likely treat your family to a sum of money(depending on the amount won)...... I would simply do this, give your siblings a treat out of your windfall, but certainly not an equal share.

amicissimma · 03/12/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 03/12/2014 20:36

Your mother's argument doesn't make sense really. Her friend can't have been that close to your siblings if she couldn't remember their names therefore, it's probable that she did only want you to have it. Therefore, you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to share.

blanklook · 03/12/2014 20:36

There is no need for you to share anything that you have inherited and it is absolutely none of your Mother's business either to know the amount you are to receive or to tell you what to do with it.

This sort of thing (interference, greed, entitlement etc.) is very common within families, but the Executors of the estate will tell you exactly what the law says you should do.

The Executors need to make it very clear to your mother that your inheritance is absolutely none of her business, nor is any decision you may make involving what you would do with it. She really does need to back off, she can leave your siblings whatever is left of her share in her own will if she's so determined they should have some of it, or she could give it to them now. What she wants is absolutely not your problem. She needs to be told that you could donate the whole lump sum to some obscure charity if that's what you really wanted to do.

IF you decide you would like to share yours, could I suggest you firstly clear any debts that you may have like mortgage, car payments etc. Then take an amount of that money for your own childrens' education, perhaps private school for now or funding for extra-curricular activities or tutoring followed by funding for each of them through University, it's easy enough to put money aside for it, that way you have no more foreseeable major financial provision in their lives until they are independent adults.

Then look at your own situation, do you want to move or revamp or extend your home? After you've deducted an amount to cover those costs, you could invest a lump sum where the interest would either cover your utility bills each year or pay for a nice holiday or give you a better pension when you need it, or pay for hobbies. Basically, it would be for your enjoyment, which after all is why it was left to you Smile

Once you've made your own family's financial situation more comfortable, you could look at anything that's left over and decide whether to share that with your siblings or not. I would suggest you first of all bank the money then take financial advice from several quarters and take your time in making up your mind how to have the best quality of life from the opportunities it will open up for you and your immediate family Whilst you are doing that, you can also see if your siblings decide to pressurise you pay for things for them. If they do, then you know money means more to them than you do. I'm sorry to raise that issue but I've seen an awful lot of family division caused by a false sense of entitlement from siblings and their pushy partners.

Above all, remember that the kind lady who left you that money would like you to enjoy her gift and remember her fondly for the opportunities you and your family can now enjoy thanks to her generosity.

BorisBaby · 03/12/2014 21:43

My DM was left 50% of her aunts property. My mum always wondered why she got so much when her siblings got nothing and her DM and DF got an amount of money. She did some digging around this year (aunt died 20yrs ago) and turned out her aunt was her birth mother and was her DM had "adopted". Appears it was common back in the day. Of course I'm not saying this is the case for you and no YADNBU after all your sharing with DH.

Loopylala7 · 03/12/2014 21:48

Can you imagine any reason why she didn't include your siblings? Did they bother with her? did she know them? did you make an effort? I believe people generally make a will with real intentions. If it was her intention for you to share why on earth didn't she include your siblings or your Dad for that matter? Share if it makes you feel better, but I don't think you should be made to.

Rufus200 · 03/12/2014 22:03

Money will destroy family relationships! When my dad died my sister expected for some random reason for my mum to give her their holiday home. My mum said no and 4 years later they haven't spoken a day since, despite my mum leaving multiple messages on her answer phone for a few weeks and then gave up.

It depends how important your family is to you? They won't be happy no matter what you do, if you aren't close then I wouldn't give them anything. If they are a big part of your life, then split the money equally or you will never ever hear the end of it! It will be brought up at every family event for the rest of your lives!

diddl · 04/12/2014 08:54

"then split the money equally or you will never ever hear the end of it! It will be brought up at every family event for the rest of your lives!"

If I had to give my family my money to keep them from going on about it, I'm not sure that I'd want to bother with them!

ConferencePear · 04/12/2014 09:01

I don't think she knew my siblings - that's the only reason I can think of.
That sounds like a good enough reason to me.
Your mother obviously thought she was going to get the whole amount. She was wrong and that is no reason why you should share with your siblings.

If one of your siblings had an inheritance from someone you didn't know, would you expect a share of it ?

KatieKaye · 04/12/2014 09:03

"then split the money equally or you will never ever hear the end of it! It will be brought up at every family event for the rest of your lives!"

Really? Why would the rest of the family believe they were entitled to money from someone they had never met? If you get a work-related bonus, would you share that with your siblings too or would you treat your DH & DCs to something nice?

Like diddl if I had relatives like that I wouldn't want to bother too much about them. Oh, wait a minute - I do. My sister did not bother about our dying father, telling me that I was an idiot to go rushing into the hospital at night when he was refusing his meds (anti-psychotic drugs, as he'd previously been sectioned due to dementia-related psychosis) and that she would "leave him to rot". She was perfectly happy to take the money he left her in his will though. thankfully she decided to cut herself off from the rest of the family nearly 7 years ago.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/12/2014 09:16

wow

these were your words, I didn't take into account OP's original words which were "she thought" the siblings didn't know the friend, your words are below:-

"The OP's 'D'M is now trying to get the OP to dilute her inheritance by sharing it with her siblings who the friend didn't even know."

ravenAK · 04/12/2014 17:40

I think there's no point any of us but OP second guessing what this lady wanted, but if I were OP it'd possibly make a difference to how I reacted.

If there was a clear indication that she specifically wanted OP to inherit then I'd say OP's conscience is entirely clear.

Eg. a slightly dotty old aunt of mine left small bequests to all her nephews, none to her nieces. Dbro insisted he & I split his share between the savings accounts of our respective dc - which was nice of him. No idea what the various cousins did - none of our business.

we think she may somehow have thought women weren't 'allowed' to inherit in their own name & bequests should go to the male head of a household, but she may simply have disliked me & all her other nieces - either way, her intentions were perfectly straightforward, as she'd known us all from childhood & clearly named her 8 nephews.

If there's a suspicion that it was an oversight - possibly the lady was confused about how many dc her friend had, as could easily happen if they weren't friends when the dc were small - then I'd certainly consider dividing it, if I had no real relationship with her myself.

To be blunt it'd depend a lot on how much we're talking - my dbro's bequest from our aunt was a token few hundred, so it was just a nice gesture for him to split it. If it had been a few hundred thousand, I'd have insisted he hung on to it in accordance with her expressed wishes.

Having said all that, I'd be telling dm to wind her neck in whilst I thought about it. It's definitely not her decision to make or influence.

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