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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance row

146 replies

Nutmeg303 · 02/12/2014 12:36

I'm new to the site, so hello everyone.
I have been told I have inherited some money from a friend of my mother's. She and my father have also inherited the same amount. She's a little upset that my siblings have been left out. She has told me that she is sharing the money with my dad, so I should be sharing the money I have inherited with my siblings. She argues this by saying that her friend must have forgotten their names, but she knew her and she is sure this is what she wanted. She is also angry that because she is sharing with my dad, she feels she is getting less than me.

I hate arguments and I love my siblings and my plan was to give them a third of my inheritance, which is a substantial amount. I would like to keep the rest of the money for my own family. I need a sanity check here - but do you think I am being unreasonable? I am under intense pressure, and my dad doesn't stand up to her and I know that my siblings will probably agree with her because they stand to benefit so i feel quite isolated.
Thanks everyone in advance

OP posts:
TheChandler · 02/12/2014 14:07

Your DM's being quite clever though - she gets to keep the whole of her inheritance (sharing it with your DF means it presumably stays under her control) while you are supposed to lose 2/3 of yours, under her plan. Do you think its a way to get out of other inheritance related obligations on her part?

If she applies her rules of fairness equally, the whole sum would be divided into fifths, but that would mean less for her.

McSnuff · 02/12/2014 14:11

At the start of your post, Nutmeg, you said you'd been told you'd inherit some money. Was this by a solicitor or an executor of the will? If it was just your mum, maybe hold back on firm plans for your inheritance until you have some sort of 'official' word on it. And of course, it should be paid directly to you and you can talk to whoever's doing that and tell them how you'd like it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to keep it all yourself, but it's a lovely gesture to give some of it to your siblings, especially as the deceased didn't know them. Perhaps you and your mum could pool a third each and divvy it up between the siblings? That would be a lovely thought.

Good luck, and why not buy yourself something nice - doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but something that'll make you remember your mother's friend with fondness when you see it.

Bumbiscuits · 02/12/2014 14:20

What do YOU want to do?

MaryWestmacott · 02/12/2014 14:23

OP, you didn't answer, are your parents married? Because you're mother's stance that she's 'sharing' her inheritance with your Dad seems rather an empty guesture if they are a couple and so her inheritance is as much shared with him as yours is with your DP/H... How they as a couple arrange their finances isn't your problem!

As I said earlier, even if said friend didn't know your siblings' names, she could have written 'X amount to be shared equally between the children of [your mum's name].' She didn't. She could have given more to your mum to allow her to share it between the children - she didn't.

She gave money just to you.

You have your own children, spend it on them. Your mum can do as she pleases with her inheritance, but wait until you've actually received it before deciding anything (and tell your mum that) - if neither you or your mum are blood relatives and your mum was sat with her friend when her friend wrote the will, and it's a significant sum, blood relatives of the friend may well contest the will.

BalloonSlayer · 02/12/2014 14:24

I should talk to the executor and/or the solicitor. See what they say.

I expect they will say that you must do as the deceased stipulated. If the lady wanted you to divvy it up amongst your siblings, how hard would it have been to have it read "I leave £££ to Nutmeg in the anticipation that she will share this with her siblings" rather than "I leave £££ to Nutmeg."

Reading this bit "I wouldn't mind but she tells me she was sitting with her friend when they made the will so she could have mentioned the names then!" gives me a bad feeling. It makes me wonder whether pressure was applied to make the lady leave money to you and your siblings, and that she baulked at naming them because she didn't know them.

Trickydecision · 02/12/2014 14:31

A will is a will. Not much point in making a will if it is going to be mucked about with to this extent. Don't submit to your mum's pressure.

cricketpitch · 02/12/2014 14:31

MaryW has it right. You are choosing to share it with your partner and siblings - your mum can do the same. If the person did not really know your siblings why would she leave them anything? I wouldn't leave money to people I didn't know who were siblings of someone I did.

This attitude annoys me. Would your siblings share all their good fortune three ways?

wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 14:34

I'll take it off your hands if that will make you feel better?

DeWee · 02/12/2014 14:37

The "sitting with her" gives me a bad feeling.
Why did she leave it to you and your dm? Were you particularly close and she had no people to inherit? If the last answer is no to either I would wonder whether you dm pressurised her in any way.

I would just tell your dm that you are sharing it much futher than she is: you're sharing it between you, your dp and your dc. So she can share hers between her dp and dc too (excluding you is probably fair enough).

ignominious · 02/12/2014 14:42

YANBU

catsmother · 02/12/2014 14:44

The whole thing does sound very odd but my first thought was that the pressure your mum is putting you under is down to her jealousy because she perceives that you have 'more' than she does (as she shares with your dad) and that 'it's not fair' (despite the fact you also have a family to share with). By suggesting you share your inheritance with siblings she therefore makes herself feel better about what she's received. I wondered maybe if your mother expected to get 'the lot' and is peeved she didn't ?!?

Regardless of the truth of the matter, the basic fact is that the money is yours to do with as you wish as so many pps have already said. There could be umpteen reasons why you were left the money and not your siblings - it could be as simple as this woman having taken to you especially but not feeling the same way about the others (especially as she didn't know their names, and your mum didn't think to tell her if that was 'all' that was stopping her referring to them in her will Hmm) ... after all, there is no obligation for an unrelated person to automatically feel the same way about each and every child their friend has!

At the end of the day you must do what you think is right and makes you happy. If that means giving it all away to a charity or blowing the lot on diamonds then so be it. It really is none of your mother's business and it's very off that she's pressuring you like this - it's also quite insulting I feel, to suggest that she knew her friend's intentions better than, seemingly, the friend did herself, seeing as the friend omitted to confirm your mother's idea of doing things in her own will! If the friend had wanted a different outcome then she'd have made it happen and your mother's stupid excuses are all about her own agenda and nothing to do with the reality of what this woman wanted.

ajandjjmum · 02/12/2014 14:51

OP - how did your DM know this friend, and for how long?

Iristutu · 02/12/2014 15:04

Wouldn't share it. Nor would I expect my siblings to share to with me.
This was her dying wish, your mum is out of order to attempt to change it. She of course is free to share hers out. I would be very upset if someone pressurised me to share my inheritance.

Give them a small amount but the rest is yours and should be enjoyed.

FickleFecker · 02/12/2014 15:09

This has cropped up recently on another thread(what is it with DMs and money?) and as far as I can recall, the overwhelming response on that thread was to not feel pressured to give money away to family members.

Keep strong.

skinnyamericano · 02/12/2014 15:10

I think you should stick to your original plan. Unfortunately, you have been put in a position where you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Unless you cough up, there will always be resentment (unfairly IMO).

If it was an official will, the solicitor would have been able to suggest terms specifying you were to share it. For example, our wills say that our estate is left to X,Y,Z and any subsequent children, so no-one is left out!

I'm still not sure about your scenario though, how did she not know the other children's names, and were you much closer to her?

GraysAnalogy · 02/12/2014 15:12

Yes you are fully entitled to keep it, it's YOUR money.

I'm really close to my brothers so I'd split it just because I know they could do with the money but that's not your situation so..

Holdthepage · 02/12/2014 15:39

This kind of thing would really annoy me. Imagine making a will, deciding on who you would like to leave your money to & then one of your beneficiaries deciding that they know your own wishes better than you do.

Your DM is way out of order here & I think the poster that suggested that she is jealous is correct. Your inheritance has absolutely nothing to do with her & only you should decide what to do with it.

MaryWestmacott · 02/12/2014 15:45

Oh and OP, really reconsider giving any money to your Dsiblings now (assuming you get the money without it being contested), hold it to one side and help them out later on if they need it. Giving some of the money now gives the impression you agree with your mum that it should be shared and you are wrong to keep it all, but are chosing not to share it equally. That might well cause more bad feeling in the long run than you just 'following XXX's wishes." and then helping htem out later on.

FryOneFatManic · 02/12/2014 21:41

I wonder whether the mum was really sat with the friend when she made the will, or if it's just something else said to pile the pressure on the OP over pushing her into splitting the money.

StupidFlanders · 03/12/2014 06:35

Did you know her?

Bulbasaur · 03/12/2014 07:26

Hey, if sharing with husbands count, you're sharing yours with your husband too. What's her point?

Honestly, we could say all the logical things we want. But it comes down to this. What do you want more? The money? Or family harmony?

Neither answer is the right one. You have to choose that for yourself. But realistically, you won't have both.

ssd · 03/12/2014 07:31

op, how many siblings do you have and are you close to them, and what do they say about this?

MissWimpyDimple · 03/12/2014 07:35

Happened to us. My cousins inherited a substantial amount of money that was intended to be split between them and my brother and I.

Did they split it? Did they f*.

They both have a lot more money than my brother and I and he's quite bitter about it. I'm not. It's just money and it hasn't made them better people.

YonicScrewdriver · 03/12/2014 07:41

Mary, if there is a split now, it can be done by a deed of variation to the original will, agreed by the beneficiaries. That means, tax wise, it is "as if" the will had been written with a share for siblings in the first instance.

If OP keeps it then gifts it later, the whole sum will be viewed as part of her assets for tax purposes.

ssd · 03/12/2014 07:44

but this wasnt intended to be split, it was ;left to op with no intentions mentioned

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