Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to think parents have a favourite child?

146 replies

Carrierpenguin · 02/12/2014 06:29

I was having this discussion with a friend. Most parents would claim to treat their children equally and not have favourites. However, I think most parents have a favourite child, it may be different for mum and dad. In daily life you have to make decisions over which child to attend to first, you may subconsciously nurture or cuddle one more than another etc.

Most of my friends have said that either they or one of their siblings was/is preferred by a parent, in my own experience I would say it was clear who my mum's favourite was and who my dad's was, but maybe this is clouding my judgement

Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?

OP posts:

Tobyjugg · 03/12/2014 00:24

I agree with you. Maybe not when they are small, but as they grow and develop their own personalities, independent of their parents, then I think many parents do favour one over the others. Only a shit parent whould show it though.

BackforGood · 03/12/2014 00:34

Couldn't be bothered to rtft, but YABU. I have three DC, all completely different personalities, but I definitely, definitely don't have a favourite. There might be times when I like one more than the other, but I definitely never love one more than the other, or favour one more than the other

This ^ exactly is what I was going to say.

YABU

TwoNoisyBoys · 03/12/2014 00:58

I saw a funny 'poster' on Facebook (yes I know!) the other day, which said "My children are always accusing me of having a favourite, which is ridiculous, as I don't really like any of them....." Which made me laugh

But of course, on a more serious note, no, I don't have a favourite. Sometimes I get on better with one DS than the other, sometimes one is more, erm, challenging, and sometimes one is more snuggly But an actual favourite.......no.

MoreBonkersThanBonkers · 03/12/2014 01:06

I have favourite sweets and favourite sweaters but not favourite 'children'
My kids all have different qualities, one is funnier than the others, one is more huggy, one is 'cuter' even if he is 20 and some are better company but I don't favour one over the others. They are my kids and I love them equally.

WaroftheRoses · 03/12/2014 01:08

Haven't read whole post but I agree partly with you. I do think many parents have a favourite-I certainly do! But they don't feel it is right to admit it! My closest 2 friends have 3 kids and both definitely have favourites!

My favourite is a huge hit with everyone, they were put on this planet to make people happy whether they are kids or adults. They have such a fantastic, humorous, loving and caring personality. They still come in for a kiss first thing, hug and kiss at night, regularly come for a cuddle, ask how our days have been, are polite and loving, sharp and witty, thoughtful. Yes they have the usual messy room, lack of effort at school etc. but are a real pleasure to be around! The other 2 are grumpy, can be rude and selfish, argumentative....but all 3 are very close in age and have had these different personalities from a very young age. It doesn't mean I treat the others any worse, they all get fair treats etc, fair punishments, but the "favourite" is just such a nice person it is impossible not to favour them ahead of the other 2.

So no, YANBU!

kickassangel · 03/12/2014 01:25

My parents clearly like my sister more than me. I'm often told that I'm awkward and don't fit in. Now they've started on DD. They also favor the older of my 2 nieces. Apparently the younger niece inherited the awkward gene from me.

So, there are parents who are a bit shit. It's not that they don't like me at all, but even if I bust a gut I am somehow not as good as DSis. I live 4000 miles from my parents and don't know when I will next bother to go visit as DD and I both find it pretty upsetting to be around them for long.

It breaks my heart. I'd love to have a big happy family I can share with DD but that just isn't the life I have.

whatsagoodusername · 03/12/2014 08:49

I don't have a favourite and I don't think DH does. But it could look like we do because if we are all together, I always deal with DS1 and DH does DS2.

This is not because I prefer DS1 and DH prefers DS2. It's because DS1 is easy-going and DS2 is adamantly determined that it must be DH if he is there and sometimes when he isn't! and not me. DH is the favourite

Roonerspism · 03/12/2014 08:56

war but do you love that child more? Even if you perhaps like it more?

I was probably like the child you favour in my own family. I was easy, smiley, hard working, popular, etc etc. but I was not favoured.

My mum preferred her first born who even today is "difficult" and treats her badly. She tells me it is because she has always felt sorry for her. She felt that openly favouring her as we grew up would bolster her.

I am no longer upset by it but as a child it had a terrible effect on me and I still remember the terrible gnawing pain I felt. I developed terrible anxiety after leaving home and I think it was because I felt there was no one really there for me. It really has damaged me. And my mum still does it, although I can almost laugh about it now.

So I'm not sure it's always the loving, easy children that are favoured.

I will never, ever do this to my kids.

Kim82 · 03/12/2014 09:04

I'm one of four and I don't feel that my parents had a favourite, we were all treated exactly the same.

I now have four children myself and I genuinely don't have a favourite. My 13 year old Ds has an amazing sense of humour, can really make me laugh and is well behaved. My 10 year old dd is so gentle, patient and loving and is just so sweet natured, 7 year old dd is cheeky, lovely and has such a sunny personality and 4 month old dd is a great sleeper and cute and snuggly. How could I possibly pick a favourite from them?!

niminypiminy · 03/12/2014 09:19

I think there is a difference between what we think we are doing as parents and what our children think we are doing.

We may not feel that we have favourites, we may feel that we love all of our children equally.

But children see things differently. They pick up on tiny differences between the way we treat them and their siblings -- differences that we are often unconscious of. They see every instance of what they think of as unfairness. They remember every time that we seemed to love them less than someone else.

Most people remember negative things much more than positive. They will take the negative messages out of any statement or situation and dwell on them, but forget any positive ones. Our children do this too.

It would be unbearable to most parents to think and consciously act as if they favoured one child more than another. That doesn't mean that their children will not grow up with the idea that they were the less (or more) favoured one. Family dynamics are complicated things.

outtahell · 03/12/2014 11:13

My parents each have a very obvious favourite. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if the 2 non-favourites were treated well with the two favourites treated slightly better, but instead us two non-favourites were abused by mother, as was dad's favourite (although dad would actually defend his favourite and give his favourite presents and money to make up for the abuse) and mother would treat her favourite lovingly (but still with a lot of dysfunction - completely enmeshed).

So of course, us two non-favourites felt pretty bitter towards the two favourites. My bond with one of them was completely severed and I no longer think of them as a sibling - so that if someone asks "how many siblings do you have" I initially want to say "two". It's a shame because the sibling in question has special needs and will need love and help once the parents are gone but mother has warped them to the point that they sound and act like her, so I'm not particularly planning on being in their life much even when the poisonous bitch is dead.

WaroftheRoses · 03/12/2014 11:41

Because my child is my favourite it doesn't mean I favour that one more in my actions, no. My eldest thinks they are hard done by as the youngest doesn't have to do as much. My youngest thinks the eldest is favoured as they get to do things the youngest can't. My DSs think their sister is favoured as she is a girl, my DD thinks she gets a rough deal because she is a girl. My most intelligent child thinks they are hard done by as we expect them to be able to get on with stuff. My least intelligent child thinks they are hard done by because they don't achieve what the others do. It is not a conscious thing-people saying they would never do that to their child. My favourite child is quite simply a far nicer child than the siblings! A real pleasure to be around. It's like your friends-you will have a friend you will like above others, your best friend, who you gel with, enjoy the company of more than others. My "favourite" has similar interests to me so maybe that explains it-we are perhaps very similar people and therefore just click. But as I said-they all get equal treatment, discipline, treats, finance etc.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 03/12/2014 11:51

I think the disparity between our memories of our own birth families ("My mum SO has a favourite") and our assessments of our own parenting ("Of course I don't have a favourite, that would be awful") is quite telling.

There surely must be some posters with favourites, even if they're unaware of it (or simply don't want to admit it to themselves).

I have 2 DC - DS1 is 3.5yo, DS2 is 2.5yo. They alternate between being my favourite at the time. Right now (if I'm honest), DS1 is nearer the front as he's fun to have a conversation with and DS2 is going through that fun 'let me punch your buttons mummy' stage.

However, I try very hard to be fair and to not demonise DS2 unnecessarily or to treat DS1 like too much of a saint. I think that's the key part - acknowledging the potential for bias and seeking to eliminate it where possible.

Hey ho, I'm not a saint but we knew that already

Lilicat1013 · 03/12/2014 12:13

I can't imagine having a favourite, on a day to day basis one can be easier than the other but neither child is consistently favoured.

Fortunately no one else seems to have a favourite with them as well, as far as I can tell all other relatives love them equally.

My mother didn't have a favourite when I was a child. There were some days when one of us was clearly the favoured one that day but it wasn't always the same child, everyone got a turn and no one was left out. I think it was the same as me, who ever was being easier at the time.

I only know one family where one child seems to be the favourite but even then I think the mother is struggling with the teenage stage. She clearly loves her but is finding her difficult at the moment. I think in a couple of years things will have settled down and their relationship will be easier.

MissBattleaxe · 03/12/2014 16:18

My favourite child is quite simply a far nicer child than the siblings

How awful.

Iggly · 03/12/2014 17:12

My favourite child is quite simply a far nicer child than the siblings

Which you should take responsibility for.

ocelot41 · 03/12/2014 17:56

I totally have a favourite child - but he is my only one!

Seriously, my DF was the least favoured child and it has pretty much scarred him for life. So much so, unfortunately that he plays exactly the same game with me and DSis. Its poisonous. Don't go there!

Pelicangiraffe · 04/12/2014 13:34

'My favourite child is quite simply a far nicer child than the siblings'

I agree - awful thing to say and it's a situation totally of your own creating. Of course the other children will behave worse because they sense your unfairness/favouritism.

Pelicangiraffe · 04/12/2014 13:44

All my children have very different qualities and I appreciate them all. The one who is the hardest work is actually the most sensitive, emotionally tuned in and caring and entertaining. The one who is easy going, level headed, has shared, interests, has great interpersonal skills is also very reserved. It's swings and roundabouts.

applemac · 04/12/2014 13:47

I think if a parent does have a favourite child it shows they are pretty toxic tbh. Sorry. All my children are different. There is one of the three who I feel is more like me than the others. But I certainly don't love her more than the other two.

GoodKingQuintless · 04/12/2014 13:52

No. Yabu.

"parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?"
How can you tell though? More hugs? More toys? Perceived from what perspective?

Ds2 is a real cuddle monster, he always wants hugs and cuddles. So he gets them. If people were to look at me and my two boys, they may think I favour ds2 because we hug so much. He gets all his hugging needs met.

Ds1 is not very huggable. He gets his "no no mum, get off me"- needs met.
He is however very keen to have me sit on his bed and chat for a long time at bed time, I do that. (While ds2 just wants a quick hug and perhaps a song and then drifts off to sleep)

What some may see as different parenting and favouritism may be nothing more than a parent meeting their childrens different need in appropriate ways.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6