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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think parents have a favourite child?

146 replies

Carrierpenguin · 02/12/2014 06:29

I was having this discussion with a friend. Most parents would claim to treat their children equally and not have favourites. However, I think most parents have a favourite child, it may be different for mum and dad. In daily life you have to make decisions over which child to attend to first, you may subconsciously nurture or cuddle one more than another etc.

Most of my friends have said that either they or one of their siblings was/is preferred by a parent, in my own experience I would say it was clear who my mum's favourite was and who my dad's was, but maybe this is clouding my judgement

Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?

OP posts:

Chalalala · 02/12/2014 13:04

Having a favourite and treating your children differently are two different things, though.

I've always suspected I was my dad's favourite child, because I know I remind him of my mother so much, and he absolutely adores her. But that's a gut feeling based on my intuition, my dad is a great dad who loves all his children and he has never overtly favoured me over my three siblings. That I know of.

wishmiplass · 02/12/2014 13:48

I have a special, unique bond with my DD. She is/was my first born. She is a she. She is kind and beautiful. I will always have that. My DS is only a baby. He is amazing. I have a unique bond with him. He was unexpected (and frankly a bit of a miracle). He is different to DD in so many ways (more demanding). I love them equally. I favour them for different things, but they all equal out in the end.

Davsmum · 02/12/2014 14:01

Whether you have a favourite or not - Your children will swear you DID - and it was not them, it was 'the other one'

PassTheSherry · 02/12/2014 14:04

I like the expression "unique bond" - it expresses how I feel too. I have two gorgeous children, very different personalities from one another, both very much wanted and loved. I honestly couldn't pick a favourite - they each bring something special to the family table and to each other.

There are moments when one or other may get on my nerves, and in that moment I may prefer the other one's company or behaviour, but tbh that fluctuates so much that it's pretty meaningless in terms of "favouritism".

I don't however, treat them the same - because they are different people. They have different characters, different ages and abilities, interests. Different position in birth order and experiences. It's more about getting to know each one and appreciating the things that make each child unique.

hagarthorne · 02/12/2014 14:07

Of course they do. It's only natural. My parents had 4 children, the youngest two were (and are) much the most loved. Perhaps they are also much the nicest people (I'm the eldest).

It doesn't really matter, once childhood is over. It was painful then, but being very much loved can also be a burden.

I have two children, now almost adults. I love them differently. It's impossible not to.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2014 14:25

I would find it utterly impossible to love them differently or have a favorite.
I respond to them differently-they are different people with different needs.

CountryMummy1 · 02/12/2014 15:03

I think that sometimes you can find a child easier to parent than another and this could possibly come across as favouritism. I was a very difficult baby and child (reflux looking back) and my mom struggled with postnatal depressions. My sister was a breeze to look after so all of our lives I was seen as the naughty one and treated as such. I think this caused me to be even more naughty so it became a self fulfilling prophecy. Even now, in our 30s we are still seen like this, although I do talk to mom about it now and she agrees with me. I am much easier to get on with now than my sister but I am still seen as the more difficult one as it is so ingrained now.

shushpenfold · 02/12/2014 15:06

I think that some parents have a favourite....I certainly don't and can't understand those who have. I'm not sure about 'most' parents though.

Poolomoomon · 02/12/2014 15:22

My mum favoured my brother for sure. Six year age gap, different dads. I'm my dads only child so no favouritism from him but my mum, well... She turned cold and basically dropped me as soon as he was born. Sounds over dramatic but very true. She always took his side growing up, he was never in the wrong no matter what he did and boy oh boy was he naughty... Think hitting me over the head with a pool cue, pouring nail polish in my hair, smashing precious thimbles that were my late Great Grandmothers on purpose to get at me . All of this and she still favoured him, let him get away with murder. He was certainly the golden child for some unknown reason. My relationship completely disappeared with my mum when he was born and my brothers dad started to beat me but let's not go there... So you could say my brother ruined my childhood in ways. I'm not bitter though, he's grown into quite a charming and gentle Young Man THANKFULLY.

I have three DC and I can honestly say I do not have a favourite. I don't treat them the same though because they're different people with different likes, interests, wants and desires. It wouldn't make sense to treat them all exactly the same and in fact I'd say it's impossible. I treat them equally in that I love them the same and I don't take sides, I'm impartial in that sense unlike my mother... I'm very conscious of that. They're disciplined in the same way, given the same opportunities etc. I just mean I give them different forms of attention according to their own personality. My DD's are more sensitive than DS, they still require a fair amount of reassurance from me whereas DS has always been more laid back and independent so he just gets on with it. It's hard to explain and I'm at risk of going off on a tangent. I know what I mean in my head though, I certainly don't have a favourite and I wouldn't ever. If I thought I was at risk of being anything like my own mother I wouldn't have had more than one child but thankfully I'm not anything like her.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 02/12/2014 15:28

I don't think it's 'natural' to have a favourite, I definitely don't think you need to be a 'saint' in order not to have a favourite & I absolutely do not believe that 'most' parents have a favourite child.

I really, really like my kids (on top of adoring them!) - all of them. I enjoy spending time with them - all of them - individual & as a group. I love their differences & similarities, their individuality. I think that's pretty normal!

coniferssilhouette · 02/12/2014 15:33

I think my Mum has a favourite and a least favourite, but I honestly believe that she doesn't think she does. She was the least favourite (by a long way) and I think she'd be devastated if she saw how differently we were treated by her in reality.

I would say I was the least favourite, but we are still close as I know it isn't intentional, it makes me sad but it's fine as I believe she does still love me. I'm very like her Mum (physically and personality wise) and I think the negative thoughts she has about her Mum are projected onto me without her realising it, her favourite is very like her and so I think she feels protective of her.

Maybe it helps that once when she was angry as we'd made the place a mess and weren't helping to sort it and she'd only told me off really (one of six), I overheard her talking to my dad and saying how guilty she felt that I bore the brunt of it so I knew that even though I got the rough end of the deal she cared enough to feel bad.

I was the only one physically hurt by her, and it happened to me on several occasions throughout my life but even with that fact I still don't think she sees that she loves me less. I'd not even really done anything wrong, I was never badly behaved, just the one who always got the worst of it on random occasions.

It's an odd place to be in as I have a great relationship with all my siblings and my parents. I only have one child at the minute but I'm scared that I will have a favourite as it does deeply affect the children involved.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/12/2014 15:49

conifers - I think you're right, lots of parents do but don't realise. My mum is like that. It's not a massive deal as we're all loved but DH has commented completely unprompted on her favouritism of my brother.

Reading the stories of some posters on this thread who felt their parents clearly had favourites, I wonder if the parents of those posters would have admitted or even realised it.

Likewise I bet at least some of the people on this thread who say they don't have a favourite have DC who might take a different view when they grow up.

missymayhemsmum · 02/12/2014 16:17

I love them all but I know which one I enjoy living with.

cherrybombxo · 02/12/2014 16:34

My brother is six years younger than me and I grew up feeling like he was the favourite but I've realised that I was a total arsehole and my mum was just giving him the benefit of the doubt because he was young and I should have known better than to fight with a child. My brother is now 18 and my best friend, and our parents definitely don't favour one over the other. They help us both out where they can.

I was really miffed that they are buying him a car as they never offered that to me when I was learning (good job too, as I quit lessons and never picked them up again!) but I'm now engaged and they immediately offered to help pay for the wedding. It all balances out.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2014 16:41

I think it pretty normal.

TheFriar · 02/12/2014 17:54

In my case, i would say that when the dcs were little, I had a favourite. I had PND with dc1, struggled to bond with him (it took 4 years to feel that motherly bond) whereas I did bond with dc2 immediately.
I was acutely aware of it and did my utter best not to fall into it, to hide it from them and to redress the balance.
Then dc2 grew up and started to have meltdowns and to have us all walking on eggshells. And I know I swung between wanting to support and protect dc2 and having a favourite in dc1 as he was so easy. To deal with.
Now that they are older, I do react in different ways as they have different needs and temperaments. I do like and live them for different reasons. Dc1 is the one I can have serious conversations with whereas dc2 is the funny, quirky one. I font have a favourite but I worked hard to make it happen.

On a more general level, I think it's now not acceptable to have favourite whereas when I was a kid, it was probably more part of the 'norm'.
I also think that, unless you are careful about it, there will a sibling that you get on more easily. The one that reminds you of yourself or the one that reminds you of one if your parents/of your partner/has the qualities you get in well with.
I also think that, from the pov of the children, one might think that you have a favourite even though you aren't.
I know dc1 said dc2 was my favourite at the time he had so many meltdowns. He thought that I was suppose to punish him and it wasn't fair I didn't. Except I very rarely punish and certainly not for a (autistic) meltdown. And for the fact dc1 never fit punished for similar behaviour either...
It just shows how easy it is for a child to think there is a favourite even though you don't/are trying your best to deal with a tricky situation/different needs.

Stripeyclock · 02/12/2014 18:10

I'm an only child and somehow I still ended up being the least favourite.

I know of a big family of 5 children where 4 children are the favourites and one child is the 'not favourite' if you see what I mean. It's weird.

I also had a friend who had a sister and a brother. Her brother was her GP's favourite and got much better and bigger Xmas presents and days out while she and her sister were left at home. Weird.

lecherslady · 02/12/2014 18:52

I don't have a favourite, but when my mum said she had a slight favouritism for one of my DDs, it really upset me as my automatic reaction was 'what's wrong with the other DD'. So I told DH about it and he admitted to a slight favouritism for the other child and that really upset me too (same reaction). So I can only conclude I don't have a favourite.

Isetan · 02/12/2014 18:54

I have a favourite and DD knows it as I've told her enough times that she is my favourite. Granted, I don't have another child to compare her to but she is my favourite.

Roonerspism · 02/12/2014 19:03

I grew up in a family where there were clear favourites. It's devastating for the non favoured child.

One of my main parenting goals is for my DCs not to experience that crushing feeling of rejection. I can honestly say I love mine equally. Even if some days, one is easier than the other.

drudgetrudy · 02/12/2014 19:07

Hand on heart I do NOT have a favourite child. I am not sure they see it that way though (they are adults now).

TheRainInTheWoods · 02/12/2014 19:25

I really, truly don't have a favourite.

I have a favourite for certain things; DS1 is great to go shopping with whereas I love taking DS2 to the cinema/shows because he gets so absorbed in the film.

skylark2 · 02/12/2014 19:36

I think you need better friends.

No, this is not normal.

niminypiminy · 02/12/2014 19:48

I have one child who is really, really difficult. I mean, really, incredibly difficult. I love him. He's my first born, my miracle child. I would give my life for him. But quite often I don't like him very much. Sometimes I wish that I could walk away from him.

I have another child who is much easier to love, and who finds it easy to show that he loves me, and who I get on with much more easily.

I don't know if that counts as favouritism. Maybe it does. It's hard for me to own up to. Surely I can't be the only parent who feels like this, though?

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/12/2014 22:26

Couldn't be bothered to rtft, but YABU. I have three DC, all completely different personalities, but I definitely, definitely don't have a favourite. There might be times when I like one more than the other, but I definitely never love one more than the other, or favour one more than the other.

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