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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think parents have a favourite child?

146 replies

Carrierpenguin · 02/12/2014 06:29

I was having this discussion with a friend. Most parents would claim to treat their children equally and not have favourites. However, I think most parents have a favourite child, it may be different for mum and dad. In daily life you have to make decisions over which child to attend to first, you may subconsciously nurture or cuddle one more than another etc.

Most of my friends have said that either they or one of their siblings was/is preferred by a parent, in my own experience I would say it was clear who my mum's favourite was and who my dad's was, but maybe this is clouding my judgement Grin

Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?

OP posts:
whois · 02/12/2014 08:46

My parents don't have a favourite, or if they do they have hidden it exceedingly well.

I do think it's natural to like some aspects of one child's personality more than the other, and vice versa. And maybe have a closer relationship with one - like as a PP mentioned dad looks after the older sibling while mum tends to the baby kind of thing.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/12/2014 08:53

I don't have a favourite, I love both my children equally and go out of my way to make sure everything is fair.

My parents did have favourites, it wasn't me, I was and still am the least favourite. It's trickeld down to my children. I am still fucked up over it.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 02/12/2014 08:54

I've never felt that my parents had a favourite (I'm one of three), I have four & don't have a favourite.

I don't think it is common or usual to have a favourite child! In fact I can't think of anyone that this is true of "Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?" YABU.

53Dragon · 02/12/2014 08:59

I do think that there are cases where one child is 'easier to love' than another - but that just means that parents have to make the extra effort to ensure that the 'difficult' child feels special - safe and secure.

When mine were little ds1 tended to be the clingy, whingy, snotty one and slightly 'odd one out' at school. Ds2 was bright, confident, popular with his peers etc. I made extra sure that ds1 knew how much he was loved - did everything I could to boost his confidence.

They're still very different people (aged 19 and 21) but ds1 is a happy, confident, popular young man. He wasn't sporty at school but has excelled in a sport he took up at 15 and is now probably the best in the country. I would never have guessed that my awkward little lad could have blossomed like that. I hope that I may have helped a bit by making sure that he knew he was loved just as much as his younger brother who seemed to find life so much easier than he did! Smile

ParisWhenItSizzles · 02/12/2014 09:05

I always believed my dad preferred me, I was the first child, so my mum favoured my sister to redress the balance. I was always envious of my sister as my dad was awful to me sometimes.

youarewinning · 02/12/2014 09:06

dragon I bet it is - and well done to your DS at his sporting achievement.

YouAreBoring · 02/12/2014 09:11

I have made it simple in my house, the favourite child is whoever last bought me a cadbury's cream egg or made me a cup of tea or cleaned the kitchen. It's a transparent policy that encourages good behaviour and takes away any guess work. My current favourite is DD2.

Actually, I've been suprised at how I don't have a favourite. My DCs are genuinely all nice people (they are adults) They are all hardworking, polite and kind. Some are a bit more thoughtful or helpful than others but, as a group, they are easy to like.

I think if you have a difficult child and an easy child you can still easily love both of them as you can feel more protective of the difficult child. Iyswim.

allypally999 · 02/12/2014 09:12

I thought having a favourite was normal .. yet another weird thing from mine and OH's families sigh

I don't have kids for very good reasons (see above)

Nice to see so many parents denying it though .. quite heart warming (and no I am not being sarcastic .. just a bit jealous)

tigermoll · 02/12/2014 09:22

The 'easier' child is not always the favorite though. Sometimes the other child gets all the attention and praise because the parents' have decided that they must be having the harder time and therefore require the focus to be on them. They get more praise for their achievements and always seem to be in need of bailing out/special consideration. The child who has been designated the 'easy' one is then ignored and any issues they have are dismissed as 'but little X is so confident/bright/easy going they'll always be fine in the end'.

This is the classic 'I treat my children the same, but they all have different requirements' favoritism

CooCooCachoo · 02/12/2014 09:24

BIL wuerdly thinks that the firstborn gets so much more attention and must therefore be more intelligent (naturally he is also the firstborn), he does seem to favour his eldest DS too. He does obviously love his second DS but seems to approach any bad behaviour from him as 'expected'. Feel a bit sorry for eldest DS who really does have to be the PFB.

I also have two DS and love them both to distraction, that must mean equally. I think they are both geniuses, unlike their mum who isn't sure of the sp of geniuses!

NoSundayWorkingPlease · 02/12/2014 09:25

However, DS is much more extroverted than DD, a joker, always playing the clown. He gets far more attention than her, specifically from the In Laws and it drives me wild

This is the same with my two.

Ds1 is 6. He's fairly quiet, serious and mature for a 6 year old. He has a serious face, handsome (obv :) ) but not...animated iykwim?

Whereas ds2 has an elfin, 'cute' face, big blue eyes, a huge grin, a cheeky personality and likes to entertain.

Without exception ds2 gets more attention and is generally fussed over, lots of 'awh look how cute he is!' comments, especially by older women whilst ds just stands there. It drives me crazy.

FriendlyLadybird · 02/12/2014 09:26

I have a favourite son and a favourite daughter. However, I have only one of each.
I'm one of three and there's no way either of my parents had a favourite. I don't think favouritism is normal at all.
I know it exists though. One of my best friends was absolutely given the Cinderella treatement by her mother, while the brother was adored. (Father tried to redress the balance when he was home but he was away a lot.) But guess which one of the two produced the grandchildren?

TheYuletideMovement · 02/12/2014 09:28

I think it is the same as with any other relationship, sometimes you just click better with someone and enjoy their company more. That doesn't mean you love other people less, just differently.

spamanderson · 02/12/2014 09:31

I don't have a 'favourite' as such, I adore them both equally BUT one of them is much more challenging than the other which means she can be more difficult to get on with. I feel terrible that I feel that way but it's not that one is loved more than the other, just that one is easier to get along with. Strangely though, DH finds the one I see as being 'easier' as being the most difficult.
I do have a friend who has 3 and it's very clear to everyone which one is the least favourite. The one who gets left out and he always looks so sad and lonely :(

WeirdCatLady · 02/12/2014 09:32

I think it depends who you ask. I would say my parents favoured my brother and sister. They would say I was the favourite.

My parents also trotted out the "we treat you all the same" even when it was obvious that they didn't. It is a real bone of contention and my siblings and I are NC.

Within my own little family I also have a favourite. My daughter is my favourite as she is so amazing. Before anyone leaps on me, I'm joking, we only have the one.

QueenofallIsee · 02/12/2014 09:37

I hope I don't have a favourite - I adore all my children, every day. That said, a relative told me that I "ruined" my youngest son, meaning I indulge him - I was shocked that it could be implied that I favour him and muttered to DP about it. He pointed out that I have a 16yr old who is doing her own thing, 2 x 9 yr olds that sneak up for a hug sometimes but are more often saying 'Gerrof Mum' when I try to hug them or sit with them but a youngest cuddly boy who even at 8 wants to be babied a bit. He is not the favourite but he wants something different from me than the others do and from the outside, he looks favoured For interest purposes, I asked the kids if they thought I had a favourite over brekkie this morning

DD - DS2, you are always on about how sharp he is
DS1 - DS3, he is the youngest
DS2 - DD, you are always on about how proud you are (said in a slightly snide tone)
DS3 - DS2, cos you said he is not annoying you today

So I guess I just need to swing the balance back to DS1 a bit and then I am pretty even

wonkylegs · 02/12/2014 09:46

In my family this is true but my husbands it's not.
My mum clearly favours my brother over the rest of us & it causes big issues. However she's a bit strange anyway.
My in-laws go out of their way to be fair between my DH & his sister - to the point where we have had to tell them to stop worrying about every little thing they do being fair.
I think my mother is the odd one and that my DHs family, in my experience is more normal. We currently only have one DS so no experience that way.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2014 09:52

Of course some parents have favourites. I personally don't; but my parents did and did little to hide the fact. We were left in no doubt and it definitely wasn't me, I knew that from toddlerhood
It's incredibly damaging.

YouAreBoring · 02/12/2014 09:53

My parents had a favourite child but if you had met my siblings you would understand. Confused Wink

I'm not suprised that some parents have a favourite and I don't think it means they are bad parents - unless, of course, they make their favouritism known. I have times when I've not particularly liked my kids when they were teens but, fortunately, it didn't effect how much I loved them.

The411 · 02/12/2014 09:55

It's really awful to have a favourite child and make it obvious. I don't even understand how you can have a favourite child.
My parents never had a favourite, I definitely don't either.
Yes, one child gets more cuddles but that's because he crawls onto my lap for cuddles. Yes one child gets told off more.
It's hard to treat them the same because they have different needs and personalities but neither dh or I have a favourite.

LilyPapps · 02/12/2014 09:58

YANBU, OP, and I think this thread bears it out. Lots of people on it are happy to point to their own extended families or their friends' as examples of parents with clear favourites, but everyone says 'Oh, no, I don't have a favourite child myself, that would be awful.' So it it only ever other parents who have favourites?

I do think it's sometimes a lot more complicated than certain children needing more attentive parenting (thereby looking like they get the lion's share of the attention) or simply being personalities a parent finds more compatible, though.

In the two most obvious cases I can think of, there were other reasons.

In one, the mother almost certainly had bad, undiagnosed PND (this was Ireland in the 70s, where such things were routinely under diagnosed), didn't bond at all with her third child (of six) who (cause or effect?) was a whiny, puny, difficult baby and small child, and whom she spoiled outrageously later out of guilt. He is now a rather tormented adult, though it would be glib to say there's a correlation.

The other case involved a family who were very upwardly-mobile, off the back of the father, a working-class self-starter, who was desperate to distance himself from his background and 'married up'. I was friends with his eldest daughter when they were still living in a small rented house in a grubby area and she went to my parish school. Within a few years, my friend was at an expensive private girls' school with a pony, skiing holidays and elocution lessons, and they had bought a beautiful Regency house with land where the father used to entertain business clients. I saw her very seldom after that.

However, the father couldn't quite eradicate what he saw as a 'working-class taint' from his eldest, a grubby tomboy who liked doing cartwheels in torn track suits, and made no secret of his preference for his youngest daughter, who was born after the change in their fortunes, and who grew up acceptably middle-class.

Discopanda · 02/12/2014 10:06

Actually I think YANBU, whether or not it's conscious, some parents do have favourites. The issue in hand is that parents and children (when they're a bit older) need to talk about their relationship; my mum and nan have always have a fraught relationship as my nan has always obviously favoured my uncle (first born) who is rude and lazy. This became even more strained when my granddad passed away as she was a real daddy's girl to the point where they haven't spoken in almost 2 years.

KarinMurphy · 02/12/2014 10:07

I've been thinking hard about this and I really don't have a favourite. I have two sons but they are totally different to each other and so there is no comparison and I would do some things with one and other things with the other.

DeWee · 02/12/2014 10:20

I think there is an aspect that the older ones can often think the younger is spoilt because they see the baby getting cuddles etc.

I remember a friend of dm. She did respite care for a seriously ill baby one weekend a month. Baby needed holding a lot of the time, so she fell into a routine of making sure that weeked as little as possible needed to be done, so if she was needed to just sit and cuddle, it could be done. While she cuddled the baby, she would have books/craft etc which she would do with her own pair, aged 8 and 10yo. She thought it was a really nice family time with them.
Then one day out of the blue the 8yo said "you don't love us like you love that baby." and the 10yo agreed.
When asked, they said that she never spent the time just sitting and cuddling them. But the thing was

  1. She had when they were babies (I am older enough to remember her just sitting and cuddling them)
  2. She was putting a lot of thought into what they could do whle she was cuddling so they were still doing things together.
  3. She only had the baby for 3 days per month. The other 27 or so days she did do a lot of stuff with them, she was very hands on and were always doing craft/baking etc.
  4. Both of them were fairly independent and active children who were happy for a quick hug, but didn't want to spend time just sitting on her lap.
Now if this had been little sister then they probably would have said that the baby was the favourite. But she wasn't at all.
Phoenixfrights · 02/12/2014 10:24

There are an awful lot of saints on here today .....