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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think parents have a favourite child?

146 replies

Carrierpenguin · 02/12/2014 06:29

I was having this discussion with a friend. Most parents would claim to treat their children equally and not have favourites. However, I think most parents have a favourite child, it may be different for mum and dad. In daily life you have to make decisions over which child to attend to first, you may subconsciously nurture or cuddle one more than another etc.

Most of my friends have said that either they or one of their siblings was/is preferred by a parent, in my own experience I would say it was clear who my mum's favourite was and who my dad's was, but maybe this is clouding my judgement Grin

Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?

OP posts:
Discopanda · 02/12/2014 10:28

FWIW, I'm pregnant with my second and I'm worried that I will prefer my first DD. It would probably be easier if number two was a boy instead but as I'm having another girl I think there will be more friction. My DD is 2.9 and she is my mini-me, we're thick as thieves and I love it and, to be perfectly honest, I do spend so much love and energy on her I'm concerned that I might not give DD2 as much attention when she comes along. Only time will tell how things work out and I would like to think that I'll love them equally.

Phoenixfrights · 02/12/2014 10:29

By the way I am not justifying displays of favouritism -that is an awful way to behave - but dear me, of course people sometimes have more affinity with one or other of their children. That's just human nature.

steff13 · 02/12/2014 10:34

Discopanda, when I was pregnant with #2 son, I was so worried that I wouldn't love him as much as I loved #1 son. It seemed impossible that I could love anyone as much as I loved him. But, #2 son was born, and I found I loved him every bit as much. It will happen for you, too.

FreeSpirit89 · 02/12/2014 10:38

I have a favourite my son whom I love considerably more than my other children whom haven't been conceived yet.

Dinnerfor1 · 02/12/2014 10:39

My mum doesn't have any favourites between her four children (or not that is obvious anyway). My dad definitely did though and it was always very clear.

It seems quite common on Mumsnet for people to comment about how their dps had favourites, and yet everyone is now claiming it doesn't happen!

But I am currently pregnant with dc2 and I really believe and hope I will love and treat both my children equally, because it is really horrible to know that one of your parents prefers another sibling to you!

OTheHugeManatee · 02/12/2014 10:40

I don't think this is unusual. My parents definitely had favourites, though they will deny it to their graves.

WRT my mum I think she genuinely believes she doesn't have a favourite, but her actions say otherwise. It's not massive, and we were all loved, but she will do things for my younger brother that would get me a Hmm at best from her if I made that request.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 02/12/2014 10:46

My GPS had a favourite and my DM and aunt have a favourite child and GC. I was talked about by my aunt as being her favourite; I don't know how it manifested itself. My DH's DM has a clear favourite.

Favourites are bad parenting. My DM hardly sees her fave, what goes around, comes around.

netty7070 · 02/12/2014 10:48

I always felt that I was the favourite. I may of course have been completely deluded mistaken. Blush

pinkorange · 02/12/2014 11:00

I doubt its human nature just like that article isn't 'science' as it suggests. Hmm

DarceyBustle · 02/12/2014 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marylou62 · 02/12/2014 11:37

My youngest DB was my DMs favourite...(we are 5 kids)...she picked him up from school whilst we all had to walk 2 miles in all weathers...we were all talking about this and she overheard and got all upset...seems that she didn't drive when we were little and just happened to finish work and drive passed school and picked him up if she saw him!...We were only joking but were quite shocked at how upset she was that we thought she had a favourite...I bend over backwards to not show favouritism...DS1 is favourite oldest...DD, favourite Daughter and DS2 favourite youngest!

however · 02/12/2014 11:37

I do. But it depends on the day, really. I'm sure it all evens out in the end.

TicTicBOOM · 02/12/2014 11:44

Shit parents have a favourite.

Unfortunately me and my three other siblings have firsthand experience. My little brother is an entitled twat as a result of my parents' mistreatment of us.

It doesn't do anyone any good, not even the preferred child, to have favourites. The rest of your children resent you and the golden child usually grows up to be an absolute nightmare.

solidussnake · 02/12/2014 11:49

YABNU. Mum def has a favourite. It's not me. She will say "we treat you equally!" but I can call bullshit on that because me and my sister are not treated equally. I'm treated with an iron fist compared to her. I can't wait to leave home.
3 more years.
3 more years.

happybubblebrain · 02/12/2014 11:52

I lived with extreme favouritism and scapegoating growing up, which got more and more extreme in adulthood until I finally cut all ties with all my family members. I can't stress enough the detrimental effect this has had on my self-esteem and wellbeing and it still makes me upset whenever I think about it.

I was always sure I would only ever have one child so I wouldn't repeat what happened to me.

If parents do have favourites and show favouritism I think they need to really question whether they are fit to be parents.

ouryve · 02/12/2014 11:56

Mine is whichever one isn't pissing me off the most at that particular moment Hmm

Ragwort · 02/12/2014 11:58

I have an only child so I don't have the dilema Grin.

However, growing up with two siblings we were all treated very well, and more or less the same. BUT now that we are much older, in our 50s Grin, it is clear that I have a much closer relationship with my parents than my siblings do. I am much more similar in interests/hobbies/etc etc to my parents than my siblings, my mother even says sometimes 'I can't believe I have such different children'. In terms of gifts etc my parents are always scrupulously fair in treating us all the same (and recently when they gave my DH & I a substantial financial gift I would only accept it if I knew my siblings were getting the same).

But I have no doubt who will be doing the lion's share when it comes to caring for them as they get less able and yes, I admit quite openly that my parents clearly get along a lot better with me than with my siblings, who have quite 'alternative' lifestyles. Whether or not that makes me the 'favourite', I am not entirely sure Confused.

NancyRaygun · 02/12/2014 12:05

I know a family (friends of friends) who have such an obvious NOT favourite. It is heartbreaking. They had a DS, then another DS when they wanted a girl (and made no secret of this fact) then went on to have a DD who they adore. The poor DS2 is ignored to such a degree that even I noticed it at a family party. My friend says that none of them know how to broach it to the family but one night the mother got drunk and said she didn't like him much and added "Come on we all have favourites though don't we???? Don't we???" :(

It is really sad and totally obvious even to a relative stranger like me.

I have an easier relationship with one of my DD's than the other, but that is because the other is EXACTLY like me and when we clash it is mega! That said I feel I love her even more fiercely because of that - and she makes me laugh the most.

imip · 02/12/2014 12:11

I have 4 dds and no favourites! I would find it difficult to have a favourite because they all give me such different things at different times. I do treat them differently, however, something that I never would have expected, but parenting isn't one-size-fits-all. I wonder as my kids get older if this won't be construed as favouritism.

Dd2 suffers from anxiety, lots of hoarding tendencies and bad behaviour. When I see her act 'normally' it really does light up my life. But she is very tough to parent, and it has a huge impact on our family life. She's under the care of a psychologist, but this has been a huge challenge to dh and my parenting. I wish I could hug her and cuddle her more, but in fact this is usually what sets her off more! The way I have to parent her is counter-intuitive to how I'd like to parent!

Despite this, I love them all equally... As a child I was definitely favoured by my dGF and this was encouraged by the whole extended family - I sat next to him at the head of the Christmas table etc etc. I do wonder how my sibs and cousins dealt with it!

imip · 02/12/2014 12:13

Oh, as a parent of only girls, I am very surprised by the comments of how I must be disappointed I have only one gender etc etc, people say this in front of my dds - I get very disheartened by it, especially as we lost our oldest dd due to stillbirth.

HazleNutt · 02/12/2014 12:23

I've seen several threads where parents claim that they absolutely do not have a favourite, they just give each child what they need. But at the same time many claim that their parents clearly did prefer one child. So I would guess that this 'treating children differently based on their needs' from parents' perspective is something that children see as favouring.

I certainly saw it in my own family - yes, my Sis demanded more attention, and I was the quiet one - that did not mean I didn't want and need attention.

Or later on, it was for some reason decided that my Sis needs more help, so she had a new car bought for her while I drove an old banger falling apart every other day; everything and brand new bought for her flat while I got a loan from parents to get some second hand stuff for mine, etc. Parents are still firmly of the opinion that they have no favourites and treated us equally. She just needed more, you see.

Pandora452 · 02/12/2014 12:47

My mum definitely has a favourite although she'll deny it whilst doing it! My brother can do no wrong, and gets away with murder - if he fails to come visit on a promised afternoon, he is busy, if I am even 5mins late, I am lazy etc etc
It used to bother me, but i've started to let it just wash over me - can't change it and it'll bite her in the ass in the end.

Conversely, my grandmother had a few kids and so many grandchildren and although I can't necessarily comment on her children, there is no (obvious) favouritism among the grandchildren :)

NewNamePlease · 02/12/2014 12:48

I think a lot of parents like one child more than the other even if the love them equally.

pinkorange · 02/12/2014 12:50

I do know parents that do it with finances whereas even as adults if my parents even spend a tenner on my siblings they give me exactly the same when they see me. I don't understand why anyone would give more to one than the other

MissBattleaxe · 02/12/2014 12:56

I don't have a favourite. YABU.

I love them both equally but some days one is easier than the other and this changes all the time. I still love them both the same and couldn't choose a favourite, ever.

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