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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think parents have a favourite child?

146 replies

Carrierpenguin · 02/12/2014 06:29

I was having this discussion with a friend. Most parents would claim to treat their children equally and not have favourites. However, I think most parents have a favourite child, it may be different for mum and dad. In daily life you have to make decisions over which child to attend to first, you may subconsciously nurture or cuddle one more than another etc.

Most of my friends have said that either they or one of their siblings was/is preferred by a parent, in my own experience I would say it was clear who my mum's favourite was and who my dad's was, but maybe this is clouding my judgement Grin

Aibu to think parents have favourites and though they shouldn't show it, you can usually tell who it is?

OP posts:
Redhead11 · 02/12/2014 07:08

My XH made no secret of the fact he favours DD1. He thought he hid it well but everyone knew, especially the DC. I abhorred it!

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2014 07:11

I don't think that most parents do. It means that they have conditional love because there is a reason for having a favourite, e.g. they are most like them, they are easier to get on with, they do better at school, they share your interests, they are prettier- and so on-101 reasons.
If it is unconditional love then it isn't possible.

canweseethebunnies · 02/12/2014 07:29

My mum definitely favoured my brother in the way tigermoll describes. He struggled academically (although he very bright, and has caught up now!) whilst I was top of the class, so ahe thought I was more capable. Age also justified the 'favouritism' as she thought my father favouritised me, which may have been true, but he walked out when I was three, so not much use to me really!

My mum and I are actually closer now than she is with my brother. I think her distance from him distresses her somewhat. He is also a lot more successful and high achieving than me!

dingdongknockknock · 02/12/2014 07:33

I also don't have a favourite.
Both DC have different needs that mean bi need to see to whoever's needs is greatest at that time eg dc2 nappy change, dc1 homework.
It doesnt mean I favour dc2 over dc1 and vice versa

I've seen mums who very obviously have a favourite and its horrible to see. Their DC can also tell who is the favourite.

aprilanne · 02/12/2014 07:43

i always say my favourite child is the one who bugs me less that day .but seriously i love my 3 son,s equally even the 24 year old who is always mooching money .my youngest is 15 and autistic and i have to spend more physical time with him and maybe feel more protective .but no i can.t say i love them any diffrent .

BorisBaby · 02/12/2014 07:46

My DSis is my mums favourite I didn't realize this till I was about 15 it caused no issues between us. I really don't have a favourite youngest always gets sorted first depended on needs. My DC are completely different my eldest is so clever and stubborn, middle child is more easier going and doesn't have the same thirst for education as DC1 and DC3 (13 months) appears to my funny child and loves to make people laugh!

RufusTheReindeer · 02/12/2014 08:14

My children would say that ds2 is the favourite

I would say my brother was the favourite

But in reality neither of those two things are true...I always got on with stuff and my brother didn't seem to be able to sometimes, he was bullied at school and had no luck with Friends or situations so he "appeared" to be given more help and more time

And in my family ds2 is the baby, he is very soft and cuddly and in practice I am probably treating him more like a very bouncy puppy. Ds1 is a wonderful child and dd although hard work at times has a fantastic, lively personality

I love them all equally, in those dark thoughts where you think of a house fire or accident always end with me getting them all out...DH on the other hand Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2014 08:16

Yabvu I don't have a favourite, both my dc are different in their own special way.

bigjimsdiamondmine · 02/12/2014 08:19

most ppl I speak to who are one of two seem very certain who the parents favorite was, it seems to be less apparent with more than one though. Ppl are getting very defensive, ops not the first to acknowledge that favourites exist, its probably not even a conscious thing on behalf of the parents. But i think in a lot of families tensions arise over who gets more support, more forgiveness, and more sides taken in arguments.

MyballsareSandy · 02/12/2014 08:20

I don't have a favourite, I love them both equally and unconditionally, BUT one has always been so much easier than the other and I think this has affected our relationship Sad

TellmetogetonwithmyWork · 02/12/2014 08:21

My sister was a daddy's girl and I was a mummy's girl. It was the same for all my cousins (all pairs of girls), mostly the older one with dad as dad would look after the toddler more when younger one was a baby.

This is not the same to me as favourites - I would never say my dsis was my dad's favourite, but they had more common interests and fought less. The love was equal it was just the day to day childhood interactions were sometimes different.

Arlagirl · 02/12/2014 08:22

I am the same myballsaresandy.

Frusso · 02/12/2014 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 02/12/2014 08:24

Both of my kids claimed at one point (the same time) that I was favouring the other. I hope that means I was doing a reasonable job at being fair.

WD41 · 02/12/2014 08:25

I doubt that anybody is going to admit to having a favourite on here.

AryaUnderfoot · 02/12/2014 08:25

I certainly don't have a favourite. My DCs are very different people with their own qualities, but there is no way I could choose from between them a favourite. I love them both to bits.

However, I know that MIL favours DH over his sister - she more or less admits she doesn't get on with girls. She also favours my DS over my DD (who can never do anything right in her eyes).

flavourflave · 02/12/2014 08:27

This article is readable!
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/8943106/Why-all-parents-have-a-favourite-child.html

Sallystyle · 02/12/2014 08:28

I have times where I find one very difficult for whatever reason and there are the occasional personality clashes with the teens.

I love them all equally , but sometimes one is just easier to get on with than another simply due to whatever stage they may be going through.

The love is always equal, always. But at times some of them are simply harder to get on with than others. That can change daily.

DoraGora · 02/12/2014 08:31

I think picking favourites is a 101 of bad parenting.

CorporateRockWhore · 02/12/2014 08:32

I certainly don't have a favourite.

However, DS is much more extroverted than DD, a joker, always playing the clown. He gets far more attention than her, specifically from the In Laws and it drives me wild. I am forever trying to draw her into the conversation when she has just been left to her own devices, again.

So I think that the nature of parental love means it's not really about having a favourite - you love them differently and that love doesn't have to be divided up - there is a portion for each child. Just like when they are born they bring the love they need with them, and it's theirs forever.

But I do think extended family members, who have less of an emotional connection, can have a favourite. Sad

DoraGora · 02/12/2014 08:32

Helping out with maths homework by saying, why can't you be more like your brother; he just got maths, is another 101 BP skill.

youarewinning · 02/12/2014 08:36

I don't think parents have a favourite although do agree they have offspring they get in better with.
I have witnessed this over the past 30 years or so as I come from a very large family. My nan and grandad had 7 children, 6 of which have 2-4 children each and 7 of us now have 1-2 children of our own.
However the balance is that altho I'm not that 'close' to my mum I have an aunt I'm very close to and cousins I'm very close to. Ironically the cousin I'm closest too is also, like me, the kind of independent left to it one from her family set.

So I really do think it's personalities. My mum has NEVER treated me differently to my siblings.

steff13 · 02/12/2014 08:37

I don't have a favorite, but I like tell them that I do, depending on whether one of them did something really good, or if they're bugging me. If all three of them are bugging me, I tell them the dog is my favorite. It makes us laugh.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 02/12/2014 08:41

Couldn't imagine having a favourite it's completely alien to me.

All of our 4 are polar opposites so are loved for all their different qualities.

To demonstrate you have a preference for one child or another is completely disgraceful.

My vile old 'nan' told my dm that she preferred boys just after dm had given birth to my dsis. Their mil/dil went down hill from then.

Grandparents favouring one grand child over another would be so disgusting that for me the relationship would be over.

wonderingsoul · 02/12/2014 08:44

I love my boys the same, they each think the other is the favourite child so I figure that meams they both get equal attention
,, cuddles and affection