to wonder if anyone on here has had their Christmas deliberately ruined by a spouse or family member who hates it.

[Darkesteyes]

Starting this thread has been prompted by a couple of threads ive read on here today.
Its galling how manipulative and sneaky some people can be just because they hate Christmas and dont enjoy it so they dont want anyone else to enjoy it either.
Dont get me wrong. I know it can be a stressful time and ive found it more stressful both last year and now but i would never take it out on anyone else or actively set out to stop someone else enjoying it. Has anyone experienced something like this?

And Magpie - thats some serious shit. Dont know how old you are now but I truly hope that you have had some better Christmasses since then x

wildwillow it will be fine. The dread eases eventually.

canyouforgiverher christmas is a special time for those in abusive relationships. you will note most of the posters on this thread are talking about their exs. But whatever their exs did or whatever anyone else reading this thread is going through it sure as shit is not the survivors fault for 'putting up with it'

Abusive relationships are hard to leave.
the survivor is not to blame for their abusers behaviour.

Well done to everyone who has left. Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas. And to those of you looking at another Christmas with dread, I hope it is the last. And that you can take inspiration from all the others on this thread who have escaped. It is hard but it is also very possible

My MIL lives overseas and does not celebrate Christmas (she's not Christian, practises another faith and does not mark the festival in any way). In spite of this she managed one year to take the shine off our family celebration. DC were little and over the course of the Christmas break went down with nasty stomach bug, which they then passed to me. Poor DH spent the week looking after poorly kids and wife - we just about managed to give the children something approaching a Christmas day, but I felt terrible, and DH was shattered.

A few days later MIL berated DH by email for not having been in touch with her over Christmas. He explained about me and the DC being ill, and she emailed back with the observation that I was "frequently ill" on special occasions and had he ever thought that maybe I did it to get attention?

(The frequently ill possibly refers to a family wedding anniversary party about 6 years previously that I dropped out of at the last minute when my 2 year old DD1 got chickenpox!)

On a positive note, it did mean that DH finally accepted what I had been saying for years - that MIL really disliked me and went out of her way to be unpleasant. He was, for DH (he's really mild mannered) very very short with her in his reply.

Well said Mink...I too wish everyone on here a very stress free and Happy Christmas...In a way I am very lucky as was protected by my parents when my Grandma (alcoholic) tried to ruin Xmas...my DBs and I knew something was going on and that Dad left quickly with 'D'GM..(sometimes he actually 'bundled' her out!).only as adults did we realize what a manipulative horrible woman she was...I thankyou Mum and Dad for protecting us....

Here is a weird one- I've had people who LOVE christmas ruin it for me.

I also love christmas- but not so much the gifts (which are fun!) but in my (large) family have to be small out of budget constrictions. When you have loads of siblings to buy for, you have to do smaller gifts or you would be broke.

My ExH family had much less money than us, but had a 'put it on the cc' attitude, that meant Christmas morning was a disgusting orgy of gifts. Huge gifts. Stuff no one needed or sometimes wanted, but huge piles of presents. I felt terrible as obviously wife work meant I had bought their small modest presents (and to be fair, they never let on that they didn't like them) but it was just an obscene amount of money.

What made it worse was that we had to give the MIL money each month as she was out of work and couldn't afford her mortgage. She lived with the two DIL who all just spent £1000s on each other. Made me really sad that this was all christmas was to them. After the gift opening they sat and watched tv in silence- didn't want to talk, play games, go for a walk...so dull and soulless.

I was so happy the year I left him and I could have a normal christmas again.

Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, SaucyJack, but the worst row dh and I ever had, with bags packed and all, was when I apparently "insulted" Willy Nelson. I'm sure there was an undercurrent of a million other things, but it was Willy Nelson that was the catalyst.

My mother cancelled Christmas the year my father died. And she was angry with any family member who mentioned it. No presents, no cards, no decorations, no dinner. I thought I should be at home, but no one visited and I sat with a ready meal and a bottle of wine by myself. Even in the following years, when I was married with dc, she would ask me why I was bothering as Christmas wasn't the same now.

I love Christmas, go completely overboard on everything. Hated it until I had children though. Would go to bed Christmas eve with a bottle of scotch and not get up until late boxing day. Too many years of washing up and watching other people open presents whilst I got a paperback, or a pair of socks. Narcissistic bitch of a mother.

These are all sad

On a more light hearted note I was the culprit last year. I killed our christmas tree ( we had to get a new one) and then had Energency surgery on Christmas Day .

Now I've re read the thread title mine definitely wasn't deliberate

DH was horrible to me in the weeks before Christmas (he didn't say a word to me for weeks, left a room when I entered it...) culminating on Christmas day where he didn't eat a single mouthful of the food I had lovingly prepared but made a point of eating and raving about everything my parents / the neighbours had brought. Of course he didn't get me a present. He told me to wrap something up because he didn't want to look bad in front of my parents.

He comes from a country where Christmas isn't celebrated, but I think he did it not because he hates Christmas, but because he knows how much I love it.

Wow, I came on here to post about DH, but this thread is a different league!

DH hates Christmas (and winter in general, but especially Xmas) largely due to his own childhood experiences. His father was (still is) very wealthy, but has an obsession with not spending money. As a result, he forbade DHs mum to buy any gifts and also would refuse to heat their massive house (again, still does and this was a major reason for my MIL leaving in the end after 40 years of marriage!), So the were all just sat miserable for the day. DH says that his parents always had a huge row on Xmas day, or if they went to his Aunt's there would be a row there and that generally Christmas Day was always just total shit. He spent many a Christmas Day down the pub with friends as an adult.

This is the complete opposite of me, for whom Xmas has always been a great day with plenty of gifts (my parents seemed to strike a perfect balance between lots of presents but not too OTT) and good food and hardly any arguments apart from one year

DH does try, especially now we have kids, bless him, but I don't think he will ever really 'enjoy' Christmas Day. He always wants to go away for Xmas and just stay in a nice hotel, but for me Xmas is about family and I always want to spend it with family (although we are doin the goin away thing next year as I figure he has endured enough of my family!). He also always gets mildly shitty about how much we have spent, even though we can afford it and its no where near excessive.

Hugs to all those who have escaped abusive relationships/families, what a bunch of cunts you had to put up with.

brenda I have to know how you insulted Willy Nelson?!

lol nocturn glad you are better now

Willie Nelson?

such a sad thread although pleased to see so many of you have made ex's out of the nasty ones or NC if in-laws or whatever as they don't deserve your company any more

and all round and hope you all manage a lovely Christmas this year

I said something about liking him was like Emperor's New Clothes and he had a terrible voice. Red rag to a bull, for some reason

A lot of people seem to have particular cultural conflict at Christmas. I have a relative from another country, a place which does celebrate Christmas but in a very different way. He was a brute at Christmases, disparaging the food, the traditions etc etc. He has now been eliminated!

I think for many people, I'd count as someone who 'spoils' Christmas- in the sense that I am not very OTT about it.. Certainly this was a time of tension and unhappiness when I was a child. But there are a lot of aspects of the conventional celebration that neither I nor my partner want to do. I almost never drink alcohol - it makes me sick and dizzy. I don't have a problem with other people drinking, but find it boring when people get very drunk, especially if this makes them repetitive and quarrelsome/aggressive.

When my stepchildren were smaller we would normally have the Xmas type celebration on some other day than the 25th, because it was important to their mother to have them on the day itself. Our Xmas dinner would often involve duck or pheasant, so they didn't have to eat two identical turkey meals.

Extended family live a long way away now and/or are too frail to travel. My husband, daughter and I usually have a vegetarian dish that we particularly enjoy, exchange gifts, play a game and/or watch a DVD, then make/receive family phonecalls. In the evening my daughter might meet up with some of her friends.

An acquaintance's FIL used to get roaring drunk , roll in from the pub, eventually, for lunch and then cause arguments throughout with everybody.

Until last year.....

He started to argue the minute he sat down, had a massive heart attack and fell dead in the soup.
Acquaintance who was hosting said "the bastard ruined every Christmas whilst he was alive; and the bastard has managed it dead as well"

My Narc dad ruined it most years.
I remember when I started seeing DH I went to his mums on Xmas eve and thought. " wow, this s what it's supposed to be like!!"
Once I left home and went nc with my father I started enjoying Xmas and I love it now!!

impatienceisavirtue do we have the same ex p? Exactly the same happened to me but it was while we were staying at my parent's house so I was trying to keep him quiet. He eventually locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of whiskey and threatened to kill himself (diabetic). Miserable Christmas Day as I was knackered and he was pretending everything was rosy to my family. Still took me 3 months to ditch him

This was in 1966. My first husband knew I was fed up and thinking of leaving him (he was financially and physically abusive). On Christmas Day, he forced me to sit and eat Christmas Dinner while he loomed over me with the business end of a loaded 12 bore shotgun shoved in my left ear. Later that afternoon , while he snored drunkenly, I managed to phone a friend to come and get me and I left - taking nothing but the clothes I was wearing, the silver plate tea service my parents had given us as a wedding present, and the iron!

Divorced him in the New Year. And no, I have no idea what I was thinking when I snatched up the iron to leave with!

I'm reading these hoping that this year those who want a warm, family Xmas, get it.

I can understand someone feeling sad with grief or loneliness around Christmastime and not feeling like celebrating. I've been there myself.

Anyone that usually has to put up with deliberate cruelty or spitefulness, I hope it's better this year or that you manage to make other plans.

A friends first husband became a Jehovah witness.

That first Christmas in his new religion was the best Christmas she'd ever had.

With a small son whom she was determined was not going to miss out, she went totally overboard. Presents, food, Christmas decor, lights...the works!

They split up shortly afterwards and met a lovely man who didn't try to impose his new ideas on her.

I remember when I started seeing DH I went to his mums on Xmas eve and thought. " wow, this s what it's supposed to be like!!"

I TOTALLY relate to this HoppingGreen. That was my experience too with my first boyfriend. Wow, Christmas doesn't have to be a time of fear and epic tension.

My father hated Christmas too, and any other event that might actually involve fun.

I live in Switzerland so this is a bit diffrent from England.

About 15 years ago ,i was still married to a total dickhead,i had to go to the socialdeparment to get some money. because my "DH" would'nt get work.

2 Days before Christmas all my relative got letters from the socialoffice saying ,since we are all related ,they have to send in all there financial details.so the social can workout,if they can get away with not giving me any money,and if my relatives have to support me.

You can imagine the fights ,resentments and all the accusations we all had over christmas.

After Christmas i rang them up to aks why the sent the letters before christmas.Some snoty cow told me ,that she could haave waited to sent the letters,but thought she would like a clean desk over the holidays so she could enjoy christmas...

My XH, when we were engaged, had arranged to see his daughter on Xmas morning and then join me and my family for Christmas dinner. He didn't turn up. I was naturally very worried as he wasn't answering his phone and thought he was in a ditch somewhere! Eventually, I got hold of his brother and he was at his house - 150 miles away - with the OW having a great time. He had the cheek to shout at me on the phone and call me mad!

Somehow, the bastard persuaded me to take him back in the new year and yes dear reader, I married him.

And then divorced his miserable hide when I couldn't stand his abuse any more.

OMG some of you lot have put up with a lot of crap! This thread has made me quite sad and a bit angry in some cases :( my dad would always make every occasion about him, mine or mums birthday couldn't be hassle free as there'd be too much attention on us. He never really ruined christmas though thank goodness.
My worst christmas was when my mums birth mother and husband were invited for their first and only Christmas with us. He (birth mums husband and very religious) spent the whole time going on at me over dinner about how I must be an attention seeker and not actually be shy at all.... Why? Because I had a tiny lip piercing... I ended up excusing myself halfway through the meal to go chain smoke outside to cool off for fear that he was about to end up wearing his dinner
When we first got together, DH was quite bitter about Xmas, he lost his brother and mum at Christmas time and had never celebrated it. He got all depressed and tried to split up with me as 'he didn't think he'd ever be able to fall in love'.... That was nearly a ruined Christmas! Pleased to say we've been together for 9 years now though ha ha!