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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

guiltynetter · 02/12/2014 10:20

I think YANBU. if they're pretty poor and struggling then id understand. but if my sister for example told me what my niece wanted and it was £5 id make it up with something else.

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 10:27

As I said- bit surprised, fine. Speechless, massively pissed off and hurt- overreaction.

wildfig · 02/12/2014 10:29

I think you're being a bit U. I never know what to give my niece - I don't have children, DN is quite fussy, I'd rather ask and make sure I was getting something she liked. So if I'd asked my sister and she'd said 'oh, DN would love present A or B', and DN's birthday was near Christmas, I'd think, fantastic, that's both presents sorted out, then. I wouldn't assume my sister had factored price into it, just that she'd told me what DN wanted. I wouldn't necessarily think 'but that's only £10' because from what I remember from being a child, it wasn't how expensive the present was, it was how much I hoped Santa would bring it.

Also the money I've saved can go towards her university fees in due course

Original poster

Gogorat · 02/12/2014 10:40

... OP chased up the other part of her order.

Like I said before, no 'order' was chased up. I only spoke to DH about my feelings, DD and inlaws are none the wiser. And it was the inlaws who asked us what to buy in the first place (btw. DD actually had some much more expensive wishes that we kept to ourselves as we did not want the inlaws to feel obliged to spend lots of money).

Whatever she felt, she should have kept it to herself.

Like I said before, I only spoke to DH about this, DD and inlaws are none the wiser. DH and I have been married for nearly 20 years and there is nothing we don't talk about (good or bad).

Finally I wrote here on MN as I thought that this the point of an anonymous forum - to air views that you cannot openly in RL!

OP posts:

gotthemoononastick · 02/12/2014 10:44

They bought exactly what you asked for!

Maybe they read on here that Mums complain a lot about oceans of 'plastic tat',chocolate advent calendars,people usurping Mums by buying what they themselves want to buy and so do not dare to step out of line?

There are many conversations in shops amongst Grandmothers (strangers) in the aisles dithering and wondering if they would be buying acceptable gifts.They know about Mumsnet!

I weep that you asked about the necklace!! Please OP, don't let your child know about your disappointment,as she will love her book!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/12/2014 10:49

Sorry, but if your dh didn't ask his parents about the necklace, how does he know that they a) bought it and b) are keeping it for Christmas?

Asking about the necklace would count as 'chasing it up' in my book, I am afraid, Gogorat

LoonvanBoon · 02/12/2014 10:51

I'm a bit puzzled, Gogorat. You said in the OP that you'd questioned DH about whether there had been a problem getting the necklace, & that he'd told you PIL were keeping it for Christmas.

Now you're saying that you didn't 'chase up' the necklace, & that you were only talking to DH about your feelings, with PIL knowing nothing about it. So did they just mention to DH, unprompted, that they'd got the necklace too & were keeping it for Christmas?

If so, I think YANBU. It does seem a bit miserly to spend so little on a GC if you are well off, & I wouldn't be able to help thinking that (secretly) if it happened in our family.

I was really cringeing, though, at the idea that your DH had asked his parents what had happened to the necklace - that would be so, so rude, regardless of their tightness - & that's what your OP seemed to imply.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 10:53

You did chase up the necklace - you said so in your Op!

gunnsgirl · 02/12/2014 10:56

It may appear tight as they appear not to be short of money, but you know what? What they spend their money on is their business. They bought what you asked for. They probably thought holding onto the necklace would give an extra surprise. Children aren't as materialistic as parents really. They may seem it with their lists of wants, but parents seem so much grabbier.

I would be scared stiff to show kindness by a) offering an advent calendar to a child for fear of mother being offended and considered weird b) taking my grandchild to see Father Christmas for fear mother gets upset about wanting to do it, despite knowing FC isn't real, and now mother getting upset about receiving exactly what she asked for. I give up now. Perhaps if I never buy anything for anyone ever again that would be right. Sad.

FannyBlott · 02/12/2014 10:57

YABVVVVU as had already been said. I'm struggling to afford a fiver each on my nephews/nieces for Christmas and I can't buy for adults at all. I'd be so upset if they thought I was stingy. Me and Dh aren't getting each other anything so we can afford it.
Kids don't care how much something is, they've got her something she wants, that's lovely.
It doesn't how much money they have, it's up to them what they spend and has nothing to do with not thinking your daughter is worth much! Really hope this isn't real.

MindReader · 02/12/2014 11:00

I think wildfig speaks a lot of sense.

OP, at least your child will get something they want, even if the cost is modest.
My MIL recently txted my H (she doesn't speak to me) asking about a Dr Who duvet cover. He had replied saying: 'ok'. Then he told me. I said: oh dear, my mother sent him one last year and he wont have it on the bed as he is very attached to his current one (ASD). Please tell you mum to cancel it as it will be a waste of money'.
Apparantly it 'couldnt be cancelled'. It was delivered last week.
I don't want it. I am already storing one I don't use (and didn't ask for).

She will ask him if he liked it though - causing further upset.
I do not yet know if this will be his Christmas Gift or not.

MindReader · 02/12/2014 11:09

Can I say to any Grannies reading, I DO see the issue I have above was caused by H not knowing / checking before he replied to Granny, as well as Granny's later inflexibility

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 02/12/2014 11:12

Maybe his parents thought it would be a good idea to keep one gift back for Christmas, because then their granddaughter would get something she really wanted then too?

This ^^ is exactly what I thought.

Original poster

Gogorat · 02/12/2014 11:35

So did they just mention to DH, unprompted, that they'd got the necklace too & were keeping it for Christmas?

Yes, exactly so, sorry I did not realise that this could be misinterpreted in my original post. I noticed that the parcel did not contain the necklace and I asked DH whether MIL was unable to get it. DH, who had spoken to her a few days previously, then said that she had mentioned that she had been able to get it, but that she had decided to keep it back as a Xmas present.

The thing is it would not have bothered me in the slightest if DD had just got the book because the inlaws had been unable to get the necklace. I was just so hurt (and yes, massively pissed off - just can't help it) that MIL thought a small present totalling around 10 pounds (and yes - I know 10 pounds is a lot of money to many people, but it is not to the inlaws and they are not tight when it comes to spending on themselves) needed to be split to cover Xmas.

I could understand if they gave DD presents on other occasions or in other ways (my parents who have considerably less than my inlaws actually put savings away for DD on a regular basis - and before anybody jumps on me, it was their own decision to do so), but the fact is the inlaws don't.

Anyway this is my last post on this thread, although I will still be reading should there be any further posts ...

OP posts:

fredfredgeorgejnr · 02/12/2014 11:43

So you now admit it's purely about the money?

Despite lots of people telling you, people want to get presents that people want, so they ask, and get them, you gave them present suggestions and they were bought, they weren't being stingy, they just got what was wanted.

So you may be silently only to you and your husband grabby, but you still sound really grabby...

OnlyLovers · 02/12/2014 11:48

it would not have bothered me in the slightest if DD had just got the book because the inlaws had been unable to get the necklace

So it only bothered you because you've decided that they should have spent £10 on her birthday and in fact they spent £5.

You are grabby and rude. Thank fuck your DD hasn't been told any of this; hopefully she will grow up less like that and more grateful.

ouryve · 02/12/2014 11:50

Better that they bought something that your DD actually wanted, rather spending a fortune on something that she didn't.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2014 12:08

Do you have form for being this prickly, op? I'd say they were terrified to go free style when buying for your dd because of your possible reaction; hence asking what you would approve of as gifts and getting exactly what you specified.

Probably couldn't believe their luck that they managed to get a Christmas gift onto the "well, Gogorat can't whinge about this" list as well...

LL12 · 02/12/2014 12:12

I wish my il's would only spend £5 and get something my daughter would really like instead of trying to buy their love with lot's of presents costing a lot which will never be played with.
My Mil said today she is struggling with what else to buy my daughter, my dd only wants a pack of white TickTacks. I said she would love a trip to the cinema with her, just some 121 time with her grandparents, all she said was "Well we can do that anytime", the problem is they never ever do that.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2014 12:20

Op I think you need to stop comparing the gifting to that of your own parents. What a huge fuss. It's as it is ....just accept they think differently to you when selecting gifts etc. It has nothing to do with wealth ....cars ....houses. It really doesn't....Dp comes from a family of great wealth and their gifts could appear extremely frugal. I accept that's their way and accept it....and brave myself for dd next home made sock snake or similar

lateSeptember1964 · 02/12/2014 12:31

Although in the minority I think that is really stingy. However, not as stingy as my MIL who baked 12 fairy cakes between four boys for their Christmas present. Wouldn't have minded but she was didn't do it to her other Grandchildren. Thats a whole different thread (wink)

LoonvanBoon · 02/12/2014 12:32

at home-made sock snake.

I think 1scoop is right, though, OP. PIL may be a bit stingy, but that's their approach to gift-giving & there's not much point in dwelling on it - it's only going to make you feel resentful.

Do make sure your DH is doing the present-buying for his side of the family, though. I remember feeling a bit miffed when one of DH's relatives bought me a tea-towel for Christmas one year, & a book about coconut oil another time. I had bought lovely, thoughtful things for her. Now I leave it up to him & don't care what, if anything, they buy me.

lateSeptember1964 · 02/12/2014 12:37

I think the advice to let you DH buy the presents for his side is the best.
I have found it very liberating not having to be involved. But secretly I bet my MIL is cross because I bought her the nicest thoughtful presents. In fact out of all her children she only really got a decent present from us.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2014 12:40

Certainly agree with prev 2 posts....dp always does the sorting of his side of the family with cards....gifts etc.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 02/12/2014 12:45

I got my best friend's boy a mixing bowl, measuring spoons and scales for his 4th b/day. It came to less than a fiver. He is now 11 and still uses it weekly to make cakes and yorkshire puds etc with his mum. For entertainment value it was one of the best presents ever. But then I put a vegetable peeler in DTS stocking one year. Less cash/more time spent with parents.

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