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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
crumblebumblebee · 02/12/2014 08:38

Gogorat You are equating the gifts with love and care. It's not the same. Forget who gives what, are they loving grandparents?

Mintberrycrunch · 02/12/2014 08:40

Yanbu, my daughters 4 and my pils buy a little gift/toy and then they give E50 to put in her savings account for when she is older and can use it for what she wants.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2014 08:44

I think it's tight op. But being anything other than shudderingly grateful and having no regard for material things like some latter-day Martyr is always unpopular in mn. Everyone here tends to be very holy in my experience

notinagreatplace · 02/12/2014 08:46

I think it's really odd that you think that your ILs think she is "only worth £5" because that is what they chose to give her. Many people just don't think of gifts in terms of monetary value - if you had suggested a £30 present, they would probably have bought that, it doesn't mean that they would suddenly have loved her more, it just means that they want to buy her something that she wants. Many people also don't think that toys/presents are that important - my parents, if I ever actually manage to have a child, would almost certainly buy very small presents because they don't think kids need lots of toys but they would be generous in other ways - days out, savings account for child, etc.

I think it's also really odd that you think your ILs thought you were asking for too much because they bought one of two suggestions. I think it's pretty common to offer multiple suggestions on the basis that the person will pick just one. If you send your Amazon wish list to someone for Christmas, do you expect them to buy everything on it?

Passthecake30 · 02/12/2014 08:47

My mum got dd (5) a pair of pj's for her birthday. She was happy enough (as was I)....but ds (6) yelled shocked. ..."is that IT??"

So I'm staying on the fence with this one.

notinagreatplace · 02/12/2014 08:52

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that all the parents I know try really hard not to keep the number of toys in their house down, because of lack of space and a feeling that their kids find it difficult to play if they have too much stuff. So, with people that they feel comfortable with - like their parents, PIL, close friends - they tend to make it clear that they don't want lots of stuff. So, your PIL may have assumed that you didn't want them to buy more than a small token.

hackmum · 02/12/2014 09:06

"Everyone here tends to be very holy in my experience."

Ha, yes. Everyone is very holy on MN and good at preaching appropriate saintly behaviour to others. I suspect that they're not quite so holy in their own lives, otherwise I'm sure I'd have noticed all these perfect people if there were so many of them.

The OP is right. £5 is stingy. The MiL is a tightwad.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2014 09:17

I think yab a bit u, but I can understand where you're coming from too. I would probably think blimey that's a bit tight.

But there are a few things to think about here, firstly perhaps they are so well off because they are a bit tight, I've often found that.

Also, I think in the UK many of us have got into this ridiculous habit of overspending at Christmas. Boxing Day lots of us end up with houses full of tat and a big anti climax, some people get into debt so that they can keep up appearances and buy their children everything off their Christmas/birthday list.

The truth is that most children don't understand the cost of things and buying a small gift such as a book that the child wants is a nice and thoughtful present. Sure they could pad it out but is there any need really?

RiverTam · 02/12/2014 09:17

MIL doesn't spend much on presents for DD, she has a lot of DGC but she could certainly afford to spend more. Last year she bought DD a Sylvanian Familes caravan that she'd picked up in a car boot sale for £5. BUT - DD absolutely adores her and she is brilliant with DD and adores her in return. Which is far far more important. My mum spends more on presents but although she loves DD she hardly interacts with her when we're together and DD doesn't have such a great relationship with her.

Presents can't replicate the relationship. If your DD has a wonderful relationship with her GPs then that's what counts. And frankly it's a depressing state of affairs when a book isn't seen as a worthy present.

Sleepingbunnies · 02/12/2014 09:22

I think it's stingy but reading the thread I am in the minority!

marnia68 · 02/12/2014 09:25

But she got what your DD wanted what you asked her to get

LineRunner · 02/12/2014 09:27

Sleeping, I suspect it's the way the OP wrote her opening post tbh.

Roomba · 02/12/2014 09:34

YAsoooooBU, OP.

As I suspect others may have pointed out.

code · 02/12/2014 09:40

It IS tight. I suspect there's a significant backstory here and this isn't a one-off episode of cheapness.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2014 09:44

Everyone here tends to be very holy Most people are not so much reacting to the fact that the gift cost five quid; but that op chased up the other part of her "order" which she felt was her dd's right and due.
Whatever she felt, she really should have kept it to herself.
It appears the child is happy enough without the crappy plastic necklace, op is the one feeling the lack...

diddl · 02/12/2014 09:56

Perhaps they thought that it was better to be sure of her getting what she wanted for bday & Christmas?

If they gave both for bday, what then for Christmas?

Perhaps they didn't realise that you were suggesting that they get both for bday?

I suppose it depends what they are usually like with presents.

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 10:01

I would probably have been a bit surprised, I suppose. But really? Is it worth "To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver." Overreaction, much?

IrianofWay · 02/12/2014 10:02

Unless you told her that granny was getting her both things I very much doubt she would be hurt, disappointed or in any way emotionally damaged by such 'stinginess'. In fact I very much doubt that she would give a stuff unless she picked up your feelings on the matter. She was given something she wanted. Hurrah!

Most kids have far too much pointless tat in their live and have far too much money spent on them. I have a 17 yr old, a 15 yr old and an 11 yr old and sometimes it makes me want to weep to think of all that landfill my children crap has used up over the years and how much money was wasted on it. We probably have a few small crates of toys that were used regularly by them and will be kept in the attic for potential grandchildren - the rest was useless flummery. Perhaps your MIL subscribes to my school of thought.

outtahell · 02/12/2014 10:03

Meh, I'd just use it as a reason to drop the value of my gift to them to that value without feeling guilty.

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 10:06

Really? Do people cost out presents like this a lot? Yuck.

loiner45 · 02/12/2014 10:06

It's about different expectations in families. Some go overboard with presents others are minimalist. I was from a very minimalist family and married into a very overboard family. Yes, I prefer the minimalist way of doing things and do not associate the amount of money spent with the love on offer, never have, have tried to ensure the dc don't either.

My Dbro spends christmas with us every year - and has for over 20 yrs, and doesn't get me a gift, I don't get him one either, nor do we do birthday gifts, it's just not a big deal in our birth family. My ILs found this astonishing and weird Grin

NewEraNewMindset · 02/12/2014 10:10

I don't think PILs can win as mine have a tendency to go overboard with gifts and money for my son and it makes anything we have decided to buy look crappy and tight. Fortunately he is 24 months so he hasn't a clue but if in the future X Boxes start appearing I am going to be furious.

OnlyLovers · 02/12/2014 10:11

YABU. She's five years old. At five I'd have been thrilled with a book, especially one that I'd wanted. I'd be thrilled to then get a necklace at Christmas.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/12/2014 10:12

YABU.

OneSkinnyChip · 02/12/2014 10:17

YANBU. They are cheap fuckers. They could easily have gone nuts and spent a whole tenner on the two things you asked for her. There is such utter bullshit spouted on MN. 'Ooooh, I wouldn't care if my millionaire parents only spent 10p on some out of date teabags for my Christmas present.' Liar liar pants on fire. Really, why do you even bother pretending this wouldn't piss you off?

Low income GPs - a packet of Smarties is a loving gift.
Wealthy GPs - a five pound gift makes them cheap bastards. They should at least chuck in a charity goat or something.

And 'golden child(ren)' Gps - don't even get me started on them!