Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 02/12/2014 12:51

I can see why it might be just plain stinginess. But possibly they are just very unmaterialistic? DP's parents are very well off, multiple far flung holidays a year and would spend any amount of money on things for their hobbies eg camera lenses, computer equipment. But not 'into' material possessions at all, they don't really get it. At Xmas/birthdays they give everybody one gift only, could be worth £200 or £10. This includes DSS who is their only and much beloved grandchild, who they spend Xmas day with. I know this year they are buying him a £30 skateboard and are very happy to do so, but wouldn't dream of getting him any other little 'bits' for the sake of it.

BrendaBlackhead · 02/12/2014 12:53

Those mentioning fiver gifts for friends' children and random relatives - this thread is not about that and of course then a small present is fine. The OP's complaint is about wealthy grandparents who are stingy.

OP - what do you get the pil? It caused a fair few arguments with dh when he would get his parents generous presents and we would have them for Christmas and they would reciprocate with a box of Ferrero Rocher suspiciously close to the sell-by date.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 12:53

But being anything other than shudderingly grateful and having no regard for material things like some latter-day Martyr is always unpopular in mn

^^ x infinity billions zillions.

Op are you new ish to MN?

If so you wont be used to the forensic breaking down of every word that goes on, people read a few lines, like for instance the infamous "he said mil was holding it back" and you can see how people have seized on that and turned it into you sending him round to bang on the door for the necklace this is MN.

Gorat, a thread like this is never going to go well on MN.

I do hope you listened to my earlier posts however and next time, you will say ...

." No thank, but thanks for asking, we have had a good think and cant think of anything she will want, myself and my parents have it all covered".

If they ask again, and again let you down, you only have yourself to blame, dont let them.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 12:56

Although in the minority I think that is really stingy

not much of a minority now, loads of people think its mean and stingy and carefully calculated.

MissBattleaxe · 02/12/2014 13:03

thanks ever so much....but we seem to have everything covered and cant think what she would like myself and my parents have put some thought into it, and she doesn't need anything but thanks for asking".

I find this really mean^^. It's shutting them out ( the dig about the other GPs having it covered) because they didn't spend enough money!!

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 13:13

I'm all for keeping things simple, hate the massive overspending that goes on over Christmas, think Santa presents have gone way way way OTT etc but I still think YANBU. They could have thrown in the necklace as well.

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 13:16

Oh and some of the posts on here are ridiculous.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/12/2014 13:18

Agree with MissBattleAxe - that is such a spiteful comment.

Also someone further up (can't find the comment now) said one of her DCs received a pair of pyjamas from his (or her) GPs, looked at them and said "Is that all"? How astonishingly rude! I do hope that mother reprimanded her "darling" brat child for his exceedingly bad manners!

Aherdofmims · 02/12/2014 13:23

YABU. They sounds sensible.

PTAblues · 02/12/2014 13:32

Of course it's tight if they are well off. If the OP had come on here saying their MIL (or whoever) had asked for 2 presents for her birthday each worth a £5 and would she BU if she only gave one and kept the other for Christmas even though she wasn't hard up. There would have tonnes of posters telling her she was a tightwad.

If I was you OP I would buy your DD the necklace she wanted and then tell your IL's you had to go and get it because your DD wanted it for Christmas. Then they can give it to a toy appeal.

My IL's do this. Bought me a bargain pack of 99p teatowels for Christmas one year and asked us to get them a Kindle. They are loaded too.

PTAblues · 02/12/2014 13:33

Sorry- correct that to wanted it for her birthday.

BrendaBlackhead · 02/12/2014 13:36

PTAblues - ooh, the pil would have loved that one. Mil asked for a case of champagne for Christmas one year. Our present was an Asda cheeseboard between two. It wasn't so much the Asda cheeses, it was the fact that if you're giving someone Asda cheeses, don't ask for champagne, let alone a case of it!

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 13:37

I find this really mean^^. It's shutting them out ( the dig about the other GPs having it covered) because they didn't spend enough money!!

No I have said before its not about the money, its about the control, asking what to get, them holding one item back when she knows the child has expressed interest in two items.

The items are cheap.

The PILS have put lots of thought into holding one item back, so why didn't they ask when the two items were put forward as possibilities, whether they would mind them holding one back, or what they should do.

I really feel for op, there are as she said so many other truly expensive items she could have asked them to get but out of politeness and not wanting to seem grabby she mentioned TWO exceedingly cheap items and even then, pils have been stingy.

Op, shut them out! They shouldnt be in.

Or you could simply say, " thanks for asking but we have enough, myself and my parents have it covered" ( which they do) How about putting whatever you would spend into her savings account?"

then watch it shoot up, all of £5.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 13:43

If I was you OP I would buy your DD the necklace she wanted and then tell your IL's you had to go and get it because your DD wanted it for Christmas.

Good idea, just say you had to get it for her birthday as she had expressed an interest in it and you had to get it. In future ask for money.

I had this once op, MIL asked DD what she wanted for her bday, she went there before her bday so I was assuming present obsessed mil would get her something then, she didn't, but she asked her what she wanted.
I knew what dd was talking about, mil didnt, and on the actual bday, nothing came, nor a weeek after and dd was saying, but i thought i was getting x on my bday, because, because mil asked me....

So I had to go and get what she wanted.

Months later one little thing turned up that dd has asked for, months after the event and it was all forgotton.

It was me who had to pick up the pieces from someone who doesnt underdstand if you ask a child what they want, this will make them expect it.

we dont ask them now, or tell them, we say nothing even though it would really help us out to cover some items, but we dont go there it not worth it, loads of other examples but cant be bothered to write.

its much better.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/12/2014 13:47

"...If they ask again, and again let you down, you only have yourself to blame..."

How have they let her down, ItsBeginning? They have bought the child both things she wants, and she is getting one for her birthday and one for Christmas.

All my sons want for Christmas from my MIL is that she not be dying of cancer - sadly we can't do that for them, and will probably be taking them to her funeral before Christmas.

kinkyfuckery · 02/12/2014 13:48

Ah well, at least now they won't need to ask what to buy her for Christmas.

YABU

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 02/12/2014 13:59

And that, SDTG, put it all into perspective.
Sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 14:03

Flowers SDTG

But yes, she has let them down, op asked for small cheap items, she said the cheapest things dd expressed interest in.

And yet, even then they have chosen to hold one item back.
Suggesting two items under a tenner is not grabby.

From ops point of view she has already lowered expectations right down but even then they have sort of thrown it back in her face.
Its controlling and its tight.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2014 14:48

just say you had to get it for her birthday as she had expressed an interest in it so you had to get it
Don't be so flaming ridiculous, ffs.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 02/12/2014 14:54

Perhaps they are just the type of people who think that people only need to be given one present from each set of relatives and the cost of the present doesn't even come into it. So if OP had asked for two presents costing £50 each the OPs DD would have been given one of the items and the other one would be held back for Xmas. As it happens she asked for two £5 items and one is being held back for Xmas.

I also agree with evansoval about the seemingly bad mannered child who said 'is that all' when he got pyjamas as a present from his grandparents.

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 14:58

Poster "AIBU to think that my MIL........"

All of Mumsnet, before she has a chance to finish - "Yes, absolutely. Go NC with the old hag. Your Dp needs to understand that he has a family now"

Such an insecure lot you are!!

Hakluyt · 02/12/2014 14:59

Sorry. Delete "All of Mumsnet" Replace with "Most of Mumsnet"

BrendaBlackhead · 02/12/2014 15:06

very often I think people are being unreasonable about their mils, especially the ones about mils trying to give their gcs a present or two. The very worst I remember was a poor old mil having the sheer audacity to buy a chocolate advent calendar for the gc, and hundreds of posters piling in saying "she'd had her time" etc etc, as if it were the most heinous crime ever to give an unsolicited advent calendar. I remember one lone voice telling the OP to eat up the chocolate herself (unless it was Kinnerton...)

However, in this case I think the grandparents are being really stingy. Withholding a £5 present for a few weeks to save it up for Christmas is calculated meanness, not just being oblivious or unmaterialistic.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 15:17

is calculated meanness, not just being oblivious or unmaterialistic.

^ Yes its this part thats getting me and op obv.

I think people are glossing over this or have never experienced it.

Grin the sheer audacity to buy a chocolate advent calendar for the gc

Fallingovercliffs · 02/12/2014 15:18

If someone came on here and said their DP had asked them what they wanted for Christmas and they said 'oh there's a book I want. And I've seen a lovely scarf in Next' and they'd only got the book for Christmas and what did posters think, I doubt they'd be getting told that they're grabby and don't they realise the cost of the present doesn't matter.

There's a certain fake sanctimony seeping through this thread.