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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that spending just 5 pounds on a grandchild's birthday present is being stingy

386 replies

Gogorat · 01/12/2014 19:30

Grandparents asked what DD aged 5 wanted for her birthday and we told them that she had shown a real interest in a (paperback) book as well as a plastic necklace each of which cost just under a fiver.

The birthday parcel arrived and I couldn't help noticing that it looked as if it only contained the small paperback. When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD.

To say I was speechless is an understatement. Massively pissed off and hurt on DD's behalf as it feels to me that her own grandparents don't think that she is worth more than a fiver. DH thinks it's because I have issues with MIL but I know I would feel the same if it had been my own mother.

The thing is I would really not consider this to be an issue if I knew that my inlaws were hard up - but they're not. They have good pensions, a 300k home that they own outright, several (paid off) rental properties, expensive cars etc.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
simbacatlivesagain · 01/12/2014 23:38

When my children were little before they had pocket money they could have a gift bought every month. No monetary value was attached. It was always something they wanted. It was as likely to be a farm animal costing £2 as it was to be a brio set costing £40. It was fascinating- children have little concept of cost. My son once wanted a tape measure- he loved that item and would have been delighted if it had been a birthday gift from a granny.

Neverending2012 · 01/12/2014 23:42

Isn't it the giving if gifts rather than their worth that matters? How calculating. That's so sad.

RedSoloCup · 01/12/2014 23:43

OP yanbu, I would spend more than that on a child in class I didn't like and we are poor!!

Neverending2012 · 01/12/2014 23:43

'If' should be 'of'

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2014 23:46

The OP isn't being calculating or grabby.

They are being tight.

FollowTheStarship · 01/12/2014 23:47

OK I can kind of see your point but I would be over the moon if GP asked what the kids wanted, I told them, it cost £5 and they got that and only that. My mum is constantly trying to force numerous, excessive, shitey presents on my DC (and me) than none of us want and it is all about her need to feel generous and popular. I loathe it.

Plus kids get too much stuff on both birthdays and christmas and I would be grateful for not getting a pile of clutter.

As others have said, as long as they aren't being unfairly generous to siblings/cousins, and DD will like it, it's fine. They saved one thing for christmas so that both the presents will be something she wants. They are at least thinking of her preferences.

VonHerrBurton · 02/12/2014 00:03

My Fil is very careful with his money. He has a lot of it. He lives in a very modest home, drives a modest car and has modest holidays. Why he chooses to hang round the Whoops aisle at Asda to be first for the bargains God only knows. He's 78. He's not for changing. He's perfectly happy. He's from the make do and mend era, things were different when he/we were children.

If he had any idea how much games for ds's Xbox cost, for example, I fear for his health :) . So he sends ds and my sister's dc 5 each for birthdays and Christmas. They send him a thank you note, handwritten, because it means the world to him.

Bambambini · 02/12/2014 00:07

Wonder if they were thinking that they could give two much wanted gifts for birthday and Christmas by splitting them seperately rather than giving both at once and then having to find something less wanted at Christmas.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/12/2014 01:31

YAB totally U

I doubt the grandparents thought 'Oh, she has her little heart set on getting the book and the necklace for this birthday, but 10 quid on one event is too much, so we'll hold one present back. Hmm

They're probably just of an era/mindset where a 5-yeas-old gets one present from granny and grandad for a birthday, and that makes it more special.

Which is a theory I'd agree with. Little children have no clue about cost. You get one item you really want, you're happy, end of story.

musicalendorphins2 · 02/12/2014 01:55

As a reader, I would love receiving a book I wanted!

Bulbasaur · 02/12/2014 02:16

Which is a theory I'd agree with. Little children have no clue about cost. You get one item you really want, you're happy, end of story.

That is true. There are politics that surround gifts for small children. But you could get them the cheap thing they wanted plus an add on gift.

DB wants a cheap gift this year he's being polite because we're all on a budget. So, we got him that and some other stuff that we know he'll also like. Actually, I think he just hates items that clutter up his place, he likes practical things. But it's hard to find something practical and fun for Christmas.

musicalendorphins2 · 02/12/2014 04:35

To be totally honest, unless I could only afford a 5 pound item, I would get something else as well. I spend more than that on the paper carrier.

I think the only rules (for me anyways) are 1. Get what the child wants, and 2. Do not outdo the parents of the child.

Romann · 02/12/2014 04:47

I think it's a bit weird not to give her the necklace too. But your DD won't care so I wouldn't worry too much.

SaucyJack · 02/12/2014 08:02

My ex-MIL is also of a generation who doesn't spend too much on toys.

But she always "pads out" cheap birthday presents with things she thinks are a better use of money such as warm jumpers or pyjamas.

loiner45 · 02/12/2014 08:04

Sorry I think YABU too - I come from a family background where you got a birthday PRESENT from a family member, not presents. Getting two would be very odd. Cost was never an issue, it was the thought put into it - I tried to bring my dc up to have the same attitude. The gps were thoughtful enough to ask what was wanted, got two suggestions of things she really wanted. It makes perfect sense to me that they would think Christmas was now sorted as well. My exH measured how much you loved him by how much you spent on him - I always found it incredibly sad, he will never be just grateful for the relationships he has as he's constantly judging people (and yes, of course that's colouring my response to this OP)

burgatroyd · 02/12/2014 08:10

If they have money then that is tight. The thing is how would she feel if you got them fiver Xmas gift?

burgatroyd · 02/12/2014 08:11

Personally if my parents and parents in law I say cheap gift and ask them to put rest of money in dcs savings account.

sherbetpips · 02/12/2014 08:16

Yabu, it's a gift, you are fortunate to be able to choose what it is let alone dictate the budget for it.

Blu · 02/12/2014 08:21

They are on the thrifty side, that's for sure.

However, taking it personally and being speechless, massively hurt and pissed off is an over-reaction, and quite exhausting, really.

Do they indicate in any other ways that they don't think she is worth troubling over, or are they warm and loving grandparents?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/12/2014 08:21

"...When I asked DH if there had been a problem getting the necklace he said that MIL had kept it back as a Xmas present for DD..."

"...Btw DH did not go round to demand anything..."

Well, Gogorat - he must have gone and asked his parents about the necklace, otherwise how would he have known they had held it back as a Christmas present? And if I were the grandparent, I would be a bit miffed if my son came and asked what happened to one of the gifts I had been asked for - I am afraid I would see that as grabby.

Maybe his parents thought it would be a good idea to keep one gift back for Christmas, because then their granddaughter would get something she really wanted then too?

AdventCaroline · 02/12/2014 08:22

If someone asked me what to get DD for her birthday, I might give a list of a few things. It's so they can have a choice.

I would be mortified if someone thought that I expected them to get the whole list, I really, really wouldn't, it wouldn't enter my head.

I would never expect anyone except DH and me to give our children more than one gift at birthdays. And a book is a perfectly acceptable birthday present from your grandparents Confused.

SurfsUp1 · 02/12/2014 08:29

YANBU - stingy.

BrendaBlackhead · 02/12/2014 08:32

Yanbu. Yes it's the thought that counts yada yada yada... Actually, in truth it's tight-fisted of them. I'm with you op.

Agree with comment above.

I had years of this from the pil. They were loaded (now all gone from being in care home). In fact dh and I were discussing it at the weekend. Mil would ask for "garden vouchers" (ie money) for birthdays/Christmas/mother's day but then in return give really mean gifts. One time she said her budget for the dcs was £20, and she had spent £16 on ds so dd only had a £4 present. Dh was steaming. Dd was too little to notice, but it was the mean-mindedness of it, that she had carefully looked around for something of exactly £4 and not a penny more.

Wishfulmakeupping · 02/12/2014 08:34

If they are like that with everyone then yabu

but as you've posted the question I'm guessing that A. They normally aren't so tight and B. there's a back story to this

Do you feel they treat your dd differently to others?

Sallystyle · 02/12/2014 08:36

Very stingy.

Asking for £10 worth of presents is far from grabby.

MIL is stingy.