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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Secret Santa for family Xmas is just cheap?

142 replies

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 13:20

My SIL has suggested that we do Secret Santa for the family Christmas. There are usually about twenty people or so at family Christmas and it is their turn to host this year. I would like to get proper presents for my nieces and nephews, but now I feel like I have to go along with this Secret Santa or get in a fight with my SIL. She texted everyone and I feel like everyones agreed rather then deal with her! We do have more money than them & I feel like Christmas is the time for generosity and would like to buy my nieces and nephews at least proper presents anyway. My DC are older and dont really care as the presents from my SIL and her family are never very thoughtful or good anyway. AIBU to think she's come up with this just because she's cheap and can't be bothered? Could I get presents for the kids as well as my secret santa or would that cause a problem? I think the whole thing is naff and should be left for the office!

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:03

I take the point that I can just be a bigger person and that I am the one picking this fight but also I know if I try and do nice things for my family such as give nice birthday presents or throw a party my SIL would resent that as well even when its nothing to do with her. My DB and her fight about it all the time.

OP posts:
dingalong · 01/12/2014 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoistSponge · 01/12/2014 15:06

OP - I like you.

I would just say "No thanks - I want to get a piece of jewellery/hairnet/back wax for my mum so we'll be buying gifts for everyone - you carry on though! SMILE" and then fuck her nose if it gets out of joint - who died and made her queen of Christmas?

Jackiebrambles · 01/12/2014 15:07

It doesn't matter if she's a nice person or not, the suggestion for doing ss is a good one!

We're a big family too and decided to do secret Santa for adults last year. Everyone loved it - so much less pressure and stress!

We are doing the same this year.

Your comment about sniggering with your kids about gifts she's bought is fucking foul by the way. Really not nice.

Bumbiscuits · 01/12/2014 15:08

We do secret Santa in our family but exclude the kids. There are 20 or so adults and we each pick a name out of the hat. There are 8 children in the family and we can all buy them as much or as little as we want. We obv. go a bit more to town on our own kids.

This year will be the third year. We have the party the week before Xmas so everyone is free to spend Xmas with whomever they choose too.

We all put a small mystery present in Santa's sack too. That means we get our SS present and one other each. Works well in our family and came about because a member of the family had emergency repairs to do to her house and was skint just before Xmas.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/12/2014 15:09

You can either be competitive with your SIL or you can have a bit of class and not do that. You're not the host this year and these are not your children. Speak to your brother about the present situation if you want to but, for everybody's sake, back off with foisting what you want onto other people. There may be all kinds of reasons - that you are not privy to - for the decision this year. Rabble-rousing never is a positive thing; people will think badly of you, they just will, even if they don't say anything.

Doing things quietly, ie. money/vouchers in cards, without expecting a fanfare, is often much appreciated. If you think that money is tight for the hosts, this is what you could do.

spidey66 · 01/12/2014 15:10

We're doing this in our family for the first time this year (I was worried this maybe my SIL writing as I suggested it, but it's not). However we're sticking to adults only. We've no kids, but have nieces and nephews.

I think it's a great idea, better one decent pressie than loads of naff ones IMO.

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:13

JackieBrambles Yeah well maybe out of context but there is plenty of context that I can't post here. Given the increasing frequency of the complaints about my DB's money I'm sure she'll divorce him soon and we'll all be happy not having to deal with each other anymore and everyone here can invite the blameless angel to their Christmas Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:15

Spedy66 Sorry to alarm you! Grin

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Bulbasaur · 01/12/2014 15:15

Well, this is about to go down like a lead balloon.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/12/2014 15:19

Gift horse? We did/do this at home, it's actually a giggle but all my siblings and I also buy something for our parents like a weekend away or whatever.

Save your cash for your niece's and nephews birthdays. Or suggest a kids Secret Santa and an adults one

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:19

Relax Bulbasaur it was a joke. I'm not going to argue with people on here about something they know nothing about.

Thank you for everyone who gave useful advice and experience of Secret Santa. I didn't realise how many people did it as their 'main thing' so I was wrong saying it was automatically naff

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 01/12/2014 15:21

kelly maybe roll with the Secret Santa but suggest a few tweaks? We do it in our family, but only for our generation - not for kids and not for our parents. Would that work better for you?

Simile · 01/12/2014 15:23

Why don't you get your family their presents but give them to them to open either before meeting at your SILs for Christmas or afterwards? That way you can join in the secret santa and still give the presents you want to your family.

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:25

Yes trufflesnout I think that's what I'm going to do, or the idea of just giving the kids cheques for their savings in their cards as it's not really a 'present' per se. All issues with my SIL aside including kids and parents is just too broad

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Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 15:26

Simile that is a good idea as well, thanks

OP posts:
canyou · 01/12/2014 15:30

Shock your poor SIL
wefo secret santa for the nieces and nephewsmeaningbthry get one good present and not 4 pieces of tat, tbh we dont spend less but it is one large better gift.
DP's side we get 6 yearly passes one for each to the zoo and divide the cost between the GP,siblings and aunties it works for us

Lovetheleaves · 01/12/2014 15:30

Kelly why do you suffer through Xmas day with someone you don't like. Can you just not stay at home and enjoy your own day. We sometimes have visitors and sometimes not but we don't move out anywhere ourselves as kids like to be home

SanityClause · 01/12/2014 15:34

Most of my family do something like this. Instead of getting lots of little presents, they all put in a contribution, which is split between them, and they all ask for what they want. Names are drawn from a hat for who will buy whose present. So, I think the gift is usually a surprise to everyone except the giver and the recipient. (Which seems a bit weird.)

I never joined in, as I live in the UK, and they are all in Australia, and I couldn't see how it would work once everyone had children, and so on.

But I think between the adults in a group, it would work really well.

MrsCookieMonster · 01/12/2014 15:40

Practical suggestion would be to exclude kids and your parents, this is what we do and it works quite well. So we include sibling and partners and have a limit on what we can spend £50 so everyone gets one big thing rather than lots of little things. As your kids aren't too bothered about the presents maybe they could be included in the secret santa too so your SIL wouldn't be worried about buying for your kids.
Maybe speak to your parents and brother about it first and then your SIL.
I think your judgement is probably being affected by the fact that you don't like your SIL but overall secret santa is a reasonable suggestion but I can understand wanting to buy for your parents and any smaller kids in the family.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 01/12/2014 15:49

Cheap people don't provide a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings for 20 people with at least one of these people sounding like an ungrateful sour witch.

CariadsDarling · 01/12/2014 15:53

What an ugly opening post.

I really hope its not genuine.

Selinasupreme · 01/12/2014 15:57

I wish someone in my family suggested secret Santa because after this years spending I'm effing broke. A desperate broke mess with a new baby on the way. I considered converting to Jehovas Witness to save money next year.

Lifesalemon · 01/12/2014 16:02

I cant help but wonder Op, If anyone else but SIL had suggested secret Santa would you still be so against the idea? I also don't understand how you could be so blasé about a divorce if you care so much for your nieces and nephews (presumably her children) You may be happier but would they? And would your brother? It isn't all about you.

marnia68 · 01/12/2014 16:11

I think you can buy for the niece and nephew and go along with the secret santa as well.You must make it absolutely clear though that you enjoy buying for these kids and you in no way expect it to be reciprocated