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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think Secret Santa for family Xmas is just cheap?

142 replies

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 13:20

My SIL has suggested that we do Secret Santa for the family Christmas. There are usually about twenty people or so at family Christmas and it is their turn to host this year. I would like to get proper presents for my nieces and nephews, but now I feel like I have to go along with this Secret Santa or get in a fight with my SIL. She texted everyone and I feel like everyones agreed rather then deal with her! We do have more money than them & I feel like Christmas is the time for generosity and would like to buy my nieces and nephews at least proper presents anyway. My DC are older and dont really care as the presents from my SIL and her family are never very thoughtful or good anyway. AIBU to think she's come up with this just because she's cheap and can't be bothered? Could I get presents for the kids as well as my secret santa or would that cause a problem? I think the whole thing is naff and should be left for the office!

OP posts:

goldvelvet · 01/12/2014 14:38

Secret santa for a family of 20 sounds like a brilliant idea, I'd much rather one really decent present than 20 bits of this and that that clutter up my house for months whilst we work through the bubble bath and chocolate. take the 'joke' presents to the charity shop etc. Giving for the sake of giving is tiresome. But giving one great present is quite exciting.

And it's pretty hard thinking of one great present let alone 20 when most people these days can afford to get themselves something they'd like or need. If I want a box of chocolates or a new jumper I can just as easily buy them myself. Like a poster said above it's just becomes a money swapping exercise!

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 01/12/2014 14:39

Really OP, nobody lacks that much self awareness do they? If you had the manners you seem to aspire too, you would absolutely go with your hosts wishes, and you most certainly would not be encouraging your children to snigger behind their backs about present. Utterly vulgar behaviour and nothing to do with money. It lacks in class because it's bad manners, not because your SIL has less money than you.

cheesecakemom · 01/12/2014 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

goldvelvet · 01/12/2014 14:41

Kelly you can still buy gifts for your family if you really want just don't expect them back as that's not the nature of secret santa.

Like someone else said just spend that money on their Birthday instead and get them a really fabulous birthday present because you are wealthy and all.

LittleBearPad · 01/12/2014 14:42

It's a great idea and if you want to suggest an adaptation suggest that under-18s get presents and everyone else does secret Santa.

The problem for you is that Christmas is evidently a time for you to show off how much money you have.

The sniggering with your children is in very poor taste too but then money can't buy manners.

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:43

goldvelvet That is what I would like to do part of my original question was could I do that without my SIL getting her nose out of joint?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/12/2014 14:43

OP...maybe your SIL is trying to tell you nicely that your presents aren't really as appreciated as you think they are. I think it would be possibly to hasve a word with your SIL and say, "Yes, great idea. Adults can just buy for themselves anytime of the year. I would like to buy X for nephew and Y for niece however, would that be ok?".

Anything else is thoughtless and crass and will be seen as just that. It's not about money, it's about consideration for others. Maybe they don't want their home cluttered up with toys that won't get played with, or run the risk of you buying what they intend to for their children.

If you're just asking on here for views, that's fine. If you bullishly set out to overrule your SIL then you'll cause a reaction that you may not want, but will fully deserve for your rudeness.

gobbynorthernbird · 01/12/2014 14:44

The only class issue here is that the OP has none.

TinyTear · 01/12/2014 14:45

i would get presents for the children otherwise they will resent it later.

so the OP's children got presents until they were 16 and 18 and why are the younger ones stopping earlier?

this is a bone of contention for me as i had relatives stopping presents when we were "too old" and this meant my sister was 18 and I was 14, so in my mind I had 4 years oweing...

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:48

LittleBearPad So? Maybe it is? My DH and I worked hard for what we have, and it was never like that when we were small. What's wrong with wanting to show our aging parents some of the good life now? Vulgar is just a weapon snobs use to keep people like me in our place so I could care less if Mumsnet thinks I'm vulgar. Also, either you're an absolute liar saying you've never had a joke about the foibles of someone in your family with your spouse or DC, or you have a really boring relationship with your kids

OP posts:

financialwizard · 01/12/2014 14:50

Is your sil footing the bill for the food and drinks for all 20 or does everyone chip in? If she and DH pay for everything when hosting maybe they simply do not have the money to buy for everyone.

Your children should be taught that lesson as well btw.

goldvelvet · 01/12/2014 14:50

Kelly just put some money in a card and be done with it. It can either go in their savings or they can choose something in the January sales depending on what their parents think is best. You still get to give a gift.

I doubt SIL will object to money for their savings.

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:51

Thank you TinyTear, that is also an issue. My kids are the oldest.

I would give money to my SIL for Christmas expenses but I bet that it also 'vulgar'!

OP posts:

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:52

Thank you goldvelvet that is actually a good and useful idea

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/12/2014 14:52

I have to join the chorus of YABU - being as you asked.

A secret Santa - for the adults at least - sounds like an excellent idea to me. Not just for money saving (though if that helps some in the family) but for time and stress in shopping, choosing, wrapping, transporting, etc.

There is nothing stopping you treating your "ageing parents" on every other of the 365 days there are in a year, if your motivation is really to want to treat them.

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:53

The secret santa is for everyone including kids!!

OP posts:

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 01/12/2014 14:53

But can't you see, it's the nastiness dripping from your posts that makes it all so unpleasant, not the fact that you want to share your good fortune. You're belittling others in the same way you say we're doing to you. Your attitude is awful, it's the sort of thing parents take great pains to ensure their children don't do, and I suspect your own parents would be horrified by your attitude about it. Please think - this isn't about the money, it's about your attitude to it all.

fromparistoberlin73 · 01/12/2014 14:53

Mumsnet is full of socially anxious middle-class people

you might have a point there

thing is I think you are so blinded by dislike for your SIL that you cant see that in this situation she is not BU

xmas is a disgusting waste of money, and she probably resents getting the leggings and reindeer mats- thats a few large white wines she could habe bought instead

for this year be gracious, and if you must get $$$ gifts for the family , handle away from the day

i would say be the bigger person here

Mammanat222 · 01/12/2014 14:54

Gosh Christmas is turning out to be a jaw dropping experience in MN world.

OP I can only shake my head at your "problem"

It's shocking and sad how you can turn a positive thing (Christmas and wanting to buy a nice gifts) into such a nasty attack on your SIL.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:56

it really sounds like you have money and class chips on your shoulder and hell bent on payback for imagined slights.

you see her as from a class background you didn't have as a kid. so? he had no control over that and isn't responsible for it.

if you want to show off to your parents do it privately before or after christmas saying we got you this but thought we'd give it to you quietly.

it is just rude and unpleasant to turn into a exhibitionary competition especially when you don't respect parents wishes. you just don't spend more on other people's children than they are comfortable with full stop - in the same way you don't wear a fancy white dress to someone else's wedding.

no matter how much you resent them as a representation of a childhood/background you didn't get.

Wassailywassailywassaily · 01/12/2014 14:59

OP I'm really struggling to see your point of view here, and I generally really do try.

Your host has made a suggestion that everyone else in your family has agreed to but you. You have a few choices - either go along with it on the bright side your poor DC will not have to accept her crappy gifts or ignore it and risk upsetting everyone else with your overt demonstration of your wealth. You could, of course, go behind her back and gain the backing of the rest of your charming siblings and out vote her, after all you are sure that they all hate her as much as you do.

I really feel for your SIl with such a socially insecure bunch of in-laws the problem is not hers, its yours, try to get over it.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:59

by the way this is a widespread thing not just your sil - it is believe or not bad manners to outspend people. it makes people feel beholdent, embarrassed, uncomfortable etc and it isn't generous when it has those effects.

it also ramps up the pressure for everyone.

the simple fact is it isn't all about you but everyone involved.

there are 365 days a year when you could give special treats, throw a big fancy party for everyone, be generous etc. christmas is for everyone and for being considerate towards all pinned into that day and spending it together.

Original poster

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:59

I'm not blind and I see that everyone disagrees with me. It's frustrating because my SIL is not a nice person and any of you ladies would quickly see where I'm coming from IRL.

OP posts:

BeCool · 01/12/2014 15:00

YABU - not everyone wants their homes filled up year after year with your well chosen with excellent taste, expensive, crappy gifts OP. Nor do they want to be forced to buy your family gifts you clearly don't want or need just for the 'show' of it.

Secret Santa is an excellent idea & I bet most of your family agree with it.

FGS no one is saying you can'y buy your DM a lovely Xmas gift outside of the secret Santa!! If you can bring yourself to do that without the applause of an audience, just do it.

I'm so happy you have worked so hard for your money - but I never get why people try to justify/validate their wealth (or at least talking about their wealth) by saying they "work hard for it".

Fucking hell, don't you think most people work hard for their money? Don't you think people in minimum wages jobs or below minimum wages jobs work hard for their money? Don't you think cleaners, care workers, supermarket workers, shop staff etc all work hard? They are probably working harder than most for those few quid an hour.

I'm beginning to think this is a game of MN Bingo - Xmas Special.

Everything been ticked hasn't it?

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 15:01

you're not coming over as nice yourself though.

and you not liking her doesn't mean she isn't nice.

maybe given how much you hate her you wouldn't be happy with anything she suggested when she's hostess this year.

why not go on holiday for christmas instead.

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