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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Secret Santa for family Xmas is just cheap?

142 replies

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 13:20

My SIL has suggested that we do Secret Santa for the family Christmas. There are usually about twenty people or so at family Christmas and it is their turn to host this year. I would like to get proper presents for my nieces and nephews, but now I feel like I have to go along with this Secret Santa or get in a fight with my SIL. She texted everyone and I feel like everyones agreed rather then deal with her! We do have more money than them & I feel like Christmas is the time for generosity and would like to buy my nieces and nephews at least proper presents anyway. My DC are older and dont really care as the presents from my SIL and her family are never very thoughtful or good anyway. AIBU to think she's come up with this just because she's cheap and can't be bothered? Could I get presents for the kids as well as my secret santa or would that cause a problem? I think the whole thing is naff and should be left for the office!

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:10

the OPs children snigger at the presents they are bought with their mother anyway kerry

MrsHathaway · 01/12/2014 14:12

Your children are adults, or nearly, and you encourage them to "snigger" about the presents their aunt buys?

She probably thinks you're nouveau and vulgar.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:12

my top suggestion is seeing as you clearly hate your sil as much as you do why not have the courtesy to excuse yourself and not inflict her with you and your ungrateful children for christmas?

go off somewhere for the day where you can be as lavish as you like without the terrible chains of having to be polite and considerate of diverse financial means.

bloodyteenagers · 01/12/2014 14:12

Weren't prints in fashion last year?
Or was the problem they were the wrong label.

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:12

MrsHathaway Now who's the snob!

OP posts:
UngratefulMoo · 01/12/2014 14:14

We do Secret Santa in my family and I think it's a great idea (there are a few more than your family though). That said, everyone's fairly relaxed about it, particularly if you want to get extra presents for the kids and it doesn't apply for immediate family. Echo what a PP said and send her a note saying great idea but you'd also like to get a little extra for her kids and wanted to check in first.

bonkersLFDT20 · 01/12/2014 14:15

Since your children are adults/nearly adults then I think it would be fine to say you'd like to buy gifts for the younger children, but that your would like to be included in an adult SS.

Willabywallaby · 01/12/2014 14:15

It works for us, you get one big present (£50 limit this year) rather than 10 ones you don't want.

We still buy for the children...

Arlagirl · 01/12/2014 14:15

What a charmer you are.
And getting on your high horse as no one is agreeing with you.

cheesecakemom · 01/12/2014 14:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Willabywallaby · 01/12/2014 14:16

When I say children, they're all 10 and under, 6 of them at the moment.

3littlefrogs · 01/12/2014 14:19

We do secret santa for the adults and buy gifts for the kids.
It always works well. Most adults don't need any more stuff - we enjoy having the time to choose one special gift for one person.

I prefer to use the money I would have spent on contributing nice food and drinks, and to donate something to a homeless shelter or similar.

I find the whole spending frenzy distasteful TBH.

nobutreally · 01/12/2014 14:21

God, I wish my family (I'm one of four siblings) would accept Secret Santa - I think it's a bloody marvellous idea - I find the present exchanges between adults at Christmas increasingly unpleasant, tbh, never mind the pressure of findings x many perfect gifts in the manic run up to Christmas - I'd much rather take that element away and enjoy the day. As others have said, why not suggest excluding children (& your parents, if you want) - or just say you've already bought presents for the kids, so will give those buy don't expect anything in return.

I'm a bit confused though - you think her presents are shit, and cheap, but still want her to keep buying them ... Why?

Bulbasaur · 01/12/2014 14:22

We did secret santa in our family because I have a huge family. Everyone got one nice gift. It's a good idea. I'd rather get one nice gift then 20 cheap ones.

Just send you DN's a nicer birthday gift this year.

PuppyMonkey · 01/12/2014 14:23

I think op should post a list of the marvellous presents she would buy and we can all have a right old snigger about them.Wink

Another Yabu here.

JunkBox · 01/12/2014 14:23

You sound utterly delightful! Hmm

I think you are using this as an excuse to "show" people how generous you are and to highlight the fact you have money.
Are you also one of these people that like to present a gift then expect extreme gratitude for it?

Its flippin Christmas, You are the only one opposing SS, if everyone else agrees, it because they think its a good idea and probably a weight off everyone's mind.
Tbh I think its vulgar to make Christmas all about the money or should I say all about you.

If you want to get your DM a seperate present by all means do so, you don't need to make a song and dance about it, give it in private away from the family Christmas.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:24

because she rather enjoys the sense of superiorty i'm guessing

Fallingovercliffs · 01/12/2014 14:27

Maybe she's miserably aware that she's buying the 'wrong' gifts for some members of the family and that they're sniggering and commenting on later, and just can't see the point anymore in traipsing around town in the middle of December trying to find 20 presents that won't be appreciated.
Much more sensible to put her money and time into one present that will hopefully be something the recipient actually wants.

MoistSponge · 01/12/2014 14:27
Grin

Ah Mumsnet, never change.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:27

junkbox that sounds like my sister - to the degree where i was even told once whilst opening a present that i won't like it but it was very expensive and i should appreciate it Confused never about the recipient always about her identity which was wrapped around money and class climbing and was embarassing to witness.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/12/2014 14:31

Crumbs, I'd be delighted if someone in my family suggested this!

You can still buy your parents gifts, and give them to them separately, and there's no reason why you can't treat your nieces and nephews on other occasions. How about taking them out for a lovely day out at some point (obviously not all at once). That way you are able to treat them, spend some fun time with them, and you are also treating their parents by giving them some child free time! That way you are creating special memories with them, rather than just giving "stuff".

We all spend so much time over giving lavish gifts at Christmas, and demonstrating generosity, but in all honesty I think it means a lot more if it is done at other times of the year - it shows you want to, not that you feel you have to.

dashoflime · 01/12/2014 14:32

I don't care how much money you all have.

Even if I was a lottery millionaire, I would still not see the point of me and BIL (just for example) both spending money on bloody shower gel gift boxes, that neither of us really want and then exchanging them on christmas day.

And I would put money on everyone else in your family feeling the same way.

Adults are generally just not that excited by ripping paper off parcels and would rather keep their cash to spend on stuff they actually want than waste time, energy and money to participate in reciprical gift giving.

I would check with SIL whether gifts for her children would be acceptable though- as it is a bit different for kids. BUT- if she's adament the kids are included in the SS, you must respect her choice.

Oldraver · 01/12/2014 14:33

I think its a brilliant idea. You obviously wnat to play lady bountifull and rub her nose in it.

Maybe they dont have much money to spend on 20 presents

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:35

nobutreally I don't want my SIL to keep buying gifts is she doesn't want to or if she can't. My original point with my children and her gifts was they don't mind really if they get gifts from her family, but I do mind that my brother, my mother, my father, my nieces and nephews etc. get gifts from us. My point was that I want to be able to buy gifts for people in my family and not be constrained by my sister-in-law.

Honestly, Mumsnet is full of socially anxious middle-class people (like my SIL!) who think adults keeping face about money is more important than kids getting nice presents. Says it all really. As someone who has actually been poor and come from that background, I couldn't give a toss about playing stupid games with money.

And yes, I don't like my SIL. None of my siblings do. She, like many of you, looks down on us for being 'nouveau', 'vulgar' and generally being working class and having the gall to be in a better position than her.

Thanks to all who have given constructive advice about a compromise.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:36

if generosity and wanting to give IS actually your issue then contact your SIL and say we'd put x amount aside to spend on your little ones as they're only little once so let us know if you'd like us to contribute it towards something big you want to get for them.

unless of course it's the 'from aunty so and so look how generous we are and how much we spent on you and how much less 'cheap' we are than your mummy' label that you enjoy.