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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Secret Santa for family Xmas is just cheap?

142 replies

kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 13:20

My SIL has suggested that we do Secret Santa for the family Christmas. There are usually about twenty people or so at family Christmas and it is their turn to host this year. I would like to get proper presents for my nieces and nephews, but now I feel like I have to go along with this Secret Santa or get in a fight with my SIL. She texted everyone and I feel like everyones agreed rather then deal with her! We do have more money than them & I feel like Christmas is the time for generosity and would like to buy my nieces and nephews at least proper presents anyway. My DC are older and dont really care as the presents from my SIL and her family are never very thoughtful or good anyway. AIBU to think she's come up with this just because she's cheap and can't be bothered? Could I get presents for the kids as well as my secret santa or would that cause a problem? I think the whole thing is naff and should be left for the office!

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 01/12/2014 13:44

We do SS for the adults, but buy for the kids (but only spend about 15-20 per child). It had got to the stage a few years ago where we all really got bored of opening pressies as there were so many of us (17) to get through.

Did you politely suggest you could keep buying for the kids and SS the adults? Or even no presents for adults.

She's already hosting 20 people for Christmas, and clearly doesn't feel she can stretch to buying them all a present. She doesn't need you playing Lady Bountiful as well.

Floggingmolly · 01/12/2014 13:45

Why are you so keen to rub her face in the fact that you can afford it and she can't? She doesn't want your gifts for her children; possible because she can sense the air of Lady Bountiful about it that's coming across in your posts.
Find some other nose to rub in it, why don't you? There's a Secret Santa thread on here, have you contributed?

Kahlua4me · 01/12/2014 13:45

We do secret Santa and love it! Only for adults though, not the dc.

My dc write the tags that are then randomly given out and makes it harder for us to know who has given to who.

Christmas now seems far too materialistic and costly IMO. Secret Santa seems to be calming that down and stopping people from buying things that others don't want or need.

Perhaps with the extra money you have left over you could donate it to charity or see if there is a Giving Tree near you somewhere and perhaps buy something for a child who won't get any other presents....

bonkersLFDT20 · 01/12/2014 13:45

If your SIL has any inkling of your attitude I can see completely why she proposed SS. You sound foul and how awful that your own DC don't care about gifts from your SIL. Have you taught them to be gracious?

Why not spend your wads of money on helping to host?

e.g. Dear SIL, with the money I've saved with SS I'd like to contribute towards the Xmas meal or drinks. Please let me know what you need.

We do SS for adults and buy gifts for the 13 kids. Seems to work. Oh and although (as siblings) we have a notion of each other's wealth, no one would be so crass as to make any comment or judgement on what gifts were bought.

Fallingovercliffs · 01/12/2014 13:47

You could always buy something nice for your mother and give it to her separately if you both would still like to exchange presents. But I think publicly you need to go along with this and some of your family are obviously feeling the strain on their wallets and their time/nerves of having to buy twenty presents.

TempusFuckit · 01/12/2014 13:47

I'm not badly off, but am much more careful with money than my very well-paid SIL, and would be mortified if she thought I was cheap!

If you have an urgent need to splash the cash on presents, why not save up all your goodwill and get them an extravagant birthday present instead?

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/12/2014 13:48

Who cares if they "aren't in a bad way"

between holiday being taken (basic hours not overtime) days not made in because if snow and the shopping/petrol money/delivery costs incurred getting all these guests presents on top of teh food and drink for everyone then taking into account tat if paid early before Xmas there's a five week wait after for next pay day.

It all adds up.

bananapickle84 · 01/12/2014 13:48

I agree with Patricia. Maybe compromise and do SS for adults and presents for the children. It's what we do. We each have an adult to buy for with a £15 budget and then we spend £10-15 on each child.

My DM tried to suggest SS for the kids this year but I said that it's not fair on the kids and we're the poor ones in our family and we are happy with the current arrangement.

I think you should have a conversation with SIL but be prepared for the answer that they can't afford it all. Try and get to the bottom of the reasoning and be honest with each other.

RoundRobinSparkles · 01/12/2014 13:48

If you want to buy your mother a present then buy one! You don't need your SIL's permission - just give it to your mother before or after you see SIL.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/12/2014 13:50

Referring to your SIL as "cheap" just makes you look twatty. Unless you know all her financial details intimately, you've no idea what she can/cannot afford.

God forbid you should have to "worry" about anyone's feelings at Christmas Hmm

MrsHathaway · 01/12/2014 13:52

Can't you buy your mother a present and give it to her another day? Or do you need everyone to see how expensive thoughtful the present is?

Fuck me. There are a few crazy threads around today.

Sendo · 01/12/2014 13:52

Another one here who does Secret Santa for the adults only which was a relief for everyone. We agree the budget and even make our own wishlist online to make things easier and avoid wasting money on unwanted items. Those who want to be surprised list that they want a surprise so everyone's catered for. All the children still get individual presents.

GraysAnalogy · 01/12/2014 13:52

YABU. I'd love my family to do this. Theres over 30 of us, we can't afford to get everyone something.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 13:54

your poor sil!

you sound utterly awful and incapable of thinking of others.

'she is cheap' - fuck off.

Moniker1 · 01/12/2014 13:55

How can DCs join in SS if they have no earnings to buy their allotted pressie.

SS is for adults.

RoundRobinSparkles · 01/12/2014 13:55

In my family we just buy for the children. I buy for my nephews and my sister buys for my girls. My mum usually buys for me and DH and all the Grandchildren but last year she was going away and couldn't be bothered Christmas shopping so she just gave the DC money and didn't get anything for me or DH. I got her a little something to take in her suitcase to open on Christmas Day. This year she has decided to just buy for the GC again. She's staying here over Christmas so I've just got her a present from the girls and some bits for her stocking. I'm bloody delighted that we're just doing kids (she's The Hardest Person In The World To Buy For™)

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/12/2014 13:56

op

"we are considerably richer than yow"

To think Secret Santa for family Xmas is just cheap?
Sn00p4d · 01/12/2014 14:01

I wouldn't worry. I'd imagine you'll be getting coal anyway.

How ungrateful can you be! She's cheap, naff, thoughtless?! You encourage your children to be ungrateful! You sound like a ray of sunshine!

Tis the season to be an absolute bitch apparently. Enjoy!

KitKat1985 · 01/12/2014 14:02

YABU. No way could I afford 20 decent presents without financially crippling myself. I suspect she's the same (and probably other family are too which is why they are agreeing). It's great that you can afford it, but I think you need to be sensitive to the fact that the expense of Christmas, especially when you have a big family, can be a nightmare for some people.

bloodyteenagers · 01/12/2014 14:04

She cannot win.
She buys family of 20 a gift each year, op's children are ungrateful about their cheap gift. So comes up with the idea of secret santa, so each person gets a none cheap gift, and still no it's not right.

Secret Santa is a great idea. But here is a suggestion if it's all beneath you, stay at home. Then you don't have to worry about receiving cheap gifts, and the rest of the family don't have to deal with spoilt ungrateful people. Win, win.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 01/12/2014 14:05

How about you give the money you would have spent to charity?

Original poster
kellyandthecat · 01/12/2014 14:05

FGS, of course my children don't open the presents and go 'this is rubbish'. But we do snigger later about the reindeer placemats that my 16 year old boy got last year, or the leopard-print leggings for my 18yo girl. Apparently that makes me an evil snob. If you're all saying you've thought graciously about every rubbish and thoughtless present you've ever got then you're lying.

And we all contribute to the food and drink and rotate the Christmas hosting year by year.

We are wealthier than them, but they are still wealthy by any standards. My SIL's financial worries are more about her ego than anything else. She is from an affluent background, and my family are not. There was never much money when my siblings and I were children, and my parents did their best. Now there is money, I don't see why I'm such a witch for wanting to be generous with it, especially as my parents get older, but apparently you all think it's okay for my family Christmas to be defined the anxieties of my SIL? Confused Honestly I would have it at my house and on my terms, but my SIL wouldn't like that one bit either.

OP posts:
Spotsondots · 01/12/2014 14:05

YABU.

Christmas is not about presents and the financial stress of having to get 20 Christmas gifts is significant regardless of how much money you may or may not have. Surely it's about quality not quantity?

My SIL is minted quite well off and from a large family. She has historically done secret Santa with all her family (she is one of 6) because otherwise the number of presents is ridiculous. No one thinks it's cheap or lazy and everyone appreciates the gifts they receive. It doesn't have to be cheap tat - they have a budget that allows the purchase of one decent present rather than 20 naff ones.

Talk to your SIL about the kids I'm sure she will be open to suggestions.

TheHoneyBadger · 01/12/2014 14:09

This reply has been deleted

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KerryMehome · 01/12/2014 14:09

My family do this for the adults but children are excluded from the secret Santa and we buy presents as normal for the kids. How about suggesting this to you SIL? Keeps the cost down but doesn't make it feel like the children are missing out!