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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About 'girls' parties and 'boys' parties?

219 replies

LahLahsbigband · 29/11/2014 09:47

My DS is six, and in his first year at school. There have been lots of birthday parties throughout the year, including his. I asked who he played with and we got together a mixed group of boys and girls for his party and it went very well.

As is to be expected, friendships have been very fluid over the year, but by and large it's a lovely group of kids and they all play together pretty nicely. On Friday one little girl, who I know my son plays with quite a lot, was handing out pink invitations to all the girls (in front of everyone) and said "its not for boys, it's a girls party". AIBU to be annoyed at this stupid boys versus girls thing, at this young age?

OK, his mother can invite whoever she wants and no one is owed an invitation - fine. I don't feel that it's necessary to ask a whole class (there are 24 in the class), and my son isn't put out about not going - this sort of thing tends to wash over him and quite frankly I am glad I don't have to schlep to yet ANOTHER party on my weekend with a gift.

It's just this stupid "boys"/"girls" apartheid that grinds my gears. They're SIX. My sons have been brought up with friends of both genders and sure, they may be areas where their interests don't overlap but every kid likes a party, and when he's been to very typically 'girly' parties (eg with a fairy princess entertainer) he still got into it and had fun, just as I imagine a little girl would enjoy running about at a "sports" party designed for little football fans (just an example of an all "boys" party we were invited to this year). I just think it's so sad at this age, and really annoys me when parents encourage it. Why not just invite the friends that you play with, whatever gender they are?

OP posts:
Bumbiscuits · 29/11/2014 23:22

*boys

DoYouReallyWantToKnowMe · 29/11/2014 23:29

I would just get over it and move on, your kid has got quite a few years to go at school and you can't get upset every time a gender inequality happens.

hiccupgirl · 29/11/2014 23:30

flogginmolly if the reason my DS isn't invited to a party or other activity is because it is for girls only despite him being good friends with the girl involved, then the only reason for him not to go is the fact he has male genitals rather than female. So of course he is being excluded simply for being the wrong sex rather than the girl doesn't like him which would be a perfectly fine reason for not inviting him.

Of course it's up too other mothers or their children to decide who they want at their parties but I know children like my DS who are more in the middle gender wise at this age and happy to play with boys or girls, easily get left out once some of the other children start excluding the other gender.

Fathertedismyuncle · 29/11/2014 23:40

I do actually think you are being unreasonable. I really, really hate gender stereotyping in small children but sometimes it is not just about that.
My dd is having a 7th birthday party tomorrow. We are going to the cinema for a Frozen sing along. We have only invited the girls from her class. She does play with one boy but if I invited him I would feel obliged to invite the others and I can't afford to do that. My ds is coming and so are a couple of his friends as they are family friends who are siblings of my daughters. Circumstances might dictate the gender split rather than anything else.

Original poster
LahLahsbigband · 30/11/2014 00:03

I don't get why you would have to invite extra boys just because you invited one who is her actual friend? That seems as random to me as inviting all the girls. Just invite their friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
LahLahsbigband · 30/11/2014 00:08

(As an aside, and not having seen it I would need it confirmed, isn't Frozen something of a feminist breakthrough for Disney? All the more reason for getting the boys along?! Grin )

OP posts:
IceBeing · 30/11/2014 00:10

YANBU It totally sucks that your DS hasn't been invited to a party purely because of his sex.

If people don't get upset and challenge sexism as often as they can find the energy to, then how are things going to change in the future.

If you can't invite all your kids friends then why not do a lottery? At least it isn't sexist.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 07:22

This is a natural progression and LahLah will have to get used to it, her DS is embarking on the next stage.
I have done supply teaching for years, in different LEAs, different types of school, different sizes of school and I can tell you, as a fact, that in a PE lesson, in the juniors, you ask them to choose partners and 90-100% will choose a partner of the same gender. If you then ask those partners to join another set and make a group of 4 they will stick to the same gender, unless an unequal amount.
It is completely normal and it will change back to mixed friendships when older.
There are always exceptions.
It comes hard to parents, who have always had control over friendships, to find they lose it.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 07:26

Why would you do a lottery? You wouldn't for an adult. Why can't a child have preferences? When I was 7 yrs old I didn't want boys at my party - I would rather not have had one and taken one girl out for the day. I lived with brothers and we had a houseful of their friends a lot of the time.

Original poster
LahLahsbigband · 30/11/2014 08:36

LahLah won't be getting used to it, because what I am talking about is not children's 'natural' preferences (ugh), but parental/societal reinforcement if a gender divide when there isn't one. I am taking about the situation I am facing with six year olds who play together, except for when they are told by their parents that it's not the 'natural' order of things. Which I think is bollocks.m

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 08:38

I think you will find it has nothing to do with parents LahLah- I have never met any who would say that. It comes from the children. It is a perfectly normal phase of child development.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 08:40

You approaching the age where peer pressure is more important that parental opinion- you may not like it but that is the way it is. They work through and find out who they are- hopefully strong enough to be their own person. It is a stage.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 08:42

My mother preferred playing with boys when younger. I preferred girls as friends. We are all different. I am not my mother.

Original poster
LahLahsbigband · 30/11/2014 08:46

I understand what you are saying Mehitabel, but I am talking about a real situation with real children that I actually know. This is a case of a parent projecting her own sexism on her child and her classmates at an age when they are NOT showing this preference in their actual behaviour.

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 30/11/2014 08:46

YANBU

It makes me really sad and cross.

And a pamper party for six year olds?? Stroll on.

You're six. You look great. There- pampering done.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 08:52

In your case I would agree it is the parent. I also can't stand the idea of pamper parties.
However most parents are not like that. I would have been delighted if my sons had had mixed parties, or even girl heavy ones, they would have been much easier for me!

duplodon · 30/11/2014 09:22

It's amazing and a bit depressing the extent to which so many on this thread have bought the fact pink glittery princess shit is for girls and ninjas, trees etc are for boys.

Also, just because same gender preference occurs in development doesn't mean it should be reinforced. There's a stage of development where being egocentric is normal but we don't let it go untempered and reinforce children's idea they are the centre of the universe. If I threw a large party that was to be the talk of work tomorrow, I would have to invite some people I don't love socialising with. A party for kids is like the annual ball. If you want to be selective, you have a small gathering or a meal together. For kids, this is a small trip or a playdate.

Mehita you are saying things that show you interpret gendered behaviour as being innate eg girls are easier. It really is just conditioning. I just went to my niece's soft play/bowling party, all girls apart from her cousins. They were wild! Another boy cousin just had a lego party - calm and busy. To an extent the activity dictates the behaviour but boys are less likely to feel they have to suppress their energy and conform to adult social norms in a physical play situation as they get older.

Mehitabel6 · 30/11/2014 09:31

Having taught hundreds of children over decades and having 3 sons ( who are quite calm) I can tell you that an all girls party is easier!
I wouldn't have wild behaviour at a party, whether boys or girls, but I know that it would be easier to manage the girls. Fact.
Luckily I have never had to be involved in pamper parties or similar- that is the parent's fault.

Snaveanator · 30/11/2014 09:32

I don't see the problem here?

For instance, my son goes to a mixed school, there are 30 in his class. He couldn't invite all 30 to his party so it seemed easier to invite only the boys, that way it didn't seem as though some children simply didn't make the cut.

ToffeeCaramel · 30/11/2014 09:34

One of my daughters went through a stage of liking pink glittery stuff and the other didn't. They have both however always loved climbing trees. I had no idea that girls being scared of climbing was a thing.

duplodon · 30/11/2014 09:38

No, you can't Mehita. You can say YOU found girl's parties easier. It isn't a 'fact' because it's your interpretation of reality. Presumably as a teacher and mother of three boys you didn't throw hundreds of non-school based parties, but saw children in the school setting, where children are quick to learn social norms. Also adult expectations shape things. I've been working with children since 1996 and my mother who has forty years of teaching (25 years in an all girl school, 15 in an all boys school, 5 in a mixed school) doesn't agree with your OPINION.

Bumbiscuits · 30/11/2014 11:52

I find girls parties easier too. I was a nervous wreck by the end of my DD's 6th birthday party. There were more boys than girls at the party and as I mentioned before most of the boys spent the entire party bit roughly wrestling in the baby soft play area. The mothers enjoyed a coffee and cake in the coffe shop that overlooked the soft play area. Not one of them bothered to tell their kid to behave. Well one dad did towards the end when he caught his kid punching another in the balls Sad.

We were at a science centre and there were plenty of great activities for them to do. The girls and a couple of the boys behaved well. We had the centre to ourselves which I was grateful for. My second DD was a small toddler at the time and wasn't able to use the soft play.

Never again!

duplodon · 30/11/2014 12:06

So... because you had a bad experience ALL boys are harder to manage than ALL girls (despite the fact there were well-behaved boys at your party) and you will 'never again' have a mixed party? We had EXACTLY the same situation last week at my niece's party in terms of my toddler, so should I assume all girls are wild and violent and make sure we avoid parties where there will be girls in the future?

SophiaPetrillo · 30/11/2014 12:23

It's really up to the family and the DC what kind of party they want, isn't it. It's none of your business.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/11/2014 12:46

But how many of your DC do frequently (and I mean frequently, not occasionally) play with children of the opposite gender?

Both of my DSs gravitated towards the boys. One girl in DS1's class mixed with two boys, but they were 2 that my DS didn't play with.

So for him boys only was logical, because there were only a couple of boys that he wouldn't frequently play with so I felt it was more polite to invite them than just leaving these 2 out. (They didn't come anyway!)

The tree climbing/ropes activity - I knew the girls and their mothers, I knew that with encouragement a few of them would have had a blast tree climbing. But the first few rounds they would have been nervous because they've never done anything like it before - and with an activity like this 1 person slows everyone else down. Others have mothers that play up to the 'oh I'm so hopeless because I'm female and I'll be so scared of X, Y and Z' and while I'd LOVE to get my hands on their DDs and teach them to be less of the stereotypical girls, 1) it's not my place and 2) I'm not going to do it at the risk of making my DS's party more difficult.

As I said before, NONE of these girls had tree climbing parties, go karting parties, bowling parties etc. They had 'whole of village hall with an entertainer' parties including lots of party games (games which my DSs have always hated and so I've always struggled with them at these type of parties), build a bear parties (my DS looked at me like I was threatening a punishment when I suggested doing a build a bear activity, just ourselves), or the unicorn/magic tea parties.

Funnily enough, now he's 7 turning 8, I think he would have more tolerance for these type of parties, he's suddenly discovered that craft isn't an evil inflicted upon him by his teachers, that afternoon tea is quite fun, and that party games can be tolerated even if not enjoyed.

In DS2's class there is 1 girl that plays with the boys frequently, but she also wants to play with the girls and because she mixes with the boys, and 2 in particular are very good friends, she is sadly being left out of a lot of the girls' activities. She's also the only one who played football after school. In all honesty I wouldn't leave her out of a 'boys' only party, but I would probably try to find another girl that mixes more with the boys to invite as well.