About 'girls' parties and 'boys' parties?

[LahLahsbigband]

My DS is six, and in his first year at school. There have been lots of birthday parties throughout the year, including his. I asked who he played with and we got together a mixed group of boys and girls for his party and it went very well.

As is to be expected, friendships have been very fluid over the year, but by and large it's a lovely group of kids and they all play together pretty nicely. On Friday one little girl, who I know my son plays with quite a lot, was handing out pink invitations to all the girls (in front of everyone) and said "its not for boys, it's a girls party". AIBU to be annoyed at this stupid boys versus girls thing, at this young age?

OK, his mother can invite whoever she wants and no one is owed an invitation - fine. I don't feel that it's necessary to ask a whole class (there are 24 in the class), and my son isn't put out about not going - this sort of thing tends to wash over him and quite frankly I am glad I don't have to schlep to yet ANOTHER party on my weekend with a gift.

It's just this stupid "boys"/"girls" apartheid that grinds my gears. They're SIX. My sons have been brought up with friends of both genders and sure, they may be areas where their interests don't overlap but every kid likes a party, and when he's been to very typically 'girly' parties (eg with a fairy princess entertainer) he still got into it and had fun, just as I imagine a little girl would enjoy running about at a "sports" party designed for little football fans (just an example of an all "boys" party we were invited to this year). I just think it's so sad at this age, and really annoys me when parents encourage it. Why not just invite the friends that you play with, whatever gender they are?

[LahLahsbigband]

But it was all the girls in the class invited, and her mother, who was sitting next to me at the time, laughed and said something about their house being too small so they were just having girls. She had the grace to blush when she said it

[Micah]

Woo woo owl, no, Personally I don't see the point of single sex evenings. I like to socialise with my friends, regardless of sex. I happen to like many of my femal friends partners too, so it's fine if they come too. I wouldn't tell them they couldn't come purely because they have a penis.

I had a lesbian colleague a couple of years ago- another colleague tried to organise a "girly night" and banned partners. It was quite funny to watch her struggle with the dilemma of whether x's female oh would be "allowed" to come. In the end we overruled and told her anyone who wanted to come, could.

[Camolips]

That tree climbing party has really upset me.

It's bad enough manufacturers still have the blue/pink mentality when producing toys but to hear parents in this day and age reinforcing it. Well, it's sad all round.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Micah - I suspect you're right, it is more socially acceptable for girls to be 'scared' and to play up to it.

I suspect if you take just a group of girls, they will play up less. In a mixed group bizarrely some of the girls play this up for the boys, even from a young age.

Also, a big difference in 7 year olds and 10 year olds.

At 7 they are just old enough to do the tree climbing, some of them don't have the same dexterity and it gets difficult. A couple of the boys needed extra assistance, but we were able to do that with just the adults allocated. Couple the lack of dexterity with a lack of confidence and it gets much harder.

At 10 they have the dexterity, and just need the confidence.

To have the girls go up I would have needed to have paid for more of the parents to go up with them - and these are girls that don't do the sporting after school clubs, have had lots of girls only fairy parties, etc. So I made the judgment call and decided to cull the numbers that way.

Most tellingly, a few of the boys have had the tree climbing party, but not one of the girls have. Same with go-karting, the boys have had them, not one of the girls have. Could be the parents' decision, could be the childrens'. I don't know. There have been lots of 'entertainer' parties, unicorn parties and tea parties, though.

Also, the local climbing tree in the playground is infested with boys, but only a few of the girls go up it.

I do feel very sorry for the girls who are more sporty, and who would LOVE these activities. And sadly DS2's class has even more 'girly' girls in there, none of them joint the after school sports clubs, they rarely join in with the sports games during play time, so I think the difference will be even more marked.

[hackmum]

Trying to remember what it was like with DD at this age. Aged 5 she had a very large mixed party (one of those ones with about 20 or 30 kids!) but by 8 it was girls-only, and then only about half a dozen of them. The change happened somewhere in between! I think at that age if the child in question still has friends who are boys, then they should be invited, and the idea of having a party just doing "girly" stuff sounds horrible.

[Birdsgottafly]

""But Lady, this little girl plays with boys, including DS, at school all the time. Why would she be any different out of school?""

My middle DD would if wanted a "Girls only" party at six, even though she had mixed friendship group.

At 19, she still has a mixed friendship group, but has, only female lunches/nights out sometimes.

My other two DD's 30 & 17, have always picked mixed groups.

For those say saying that you only do mixed parties, you are missing the point, that what you are really doing, is going with what your child wants.

Children should be able to pick what they want on their Birthday.

I wasn't allowed to be feminine, or "girly" growing up, as soon as I left home, I could pick what suited personality.

I understand the argument around gendered toys, when my youngest was little and whilst I was growing up, we didn't have that issue, everything was primary colours.

But your children shouldn't be disappointed/miss out because you want them to be your own social experiment.

[ilovepowerhoop]

I did a mixed gender high ropes party for dd as she has more male friends than female and wanted to choose something that was more unisex than pink and girly that they (the boys) would want to do. DS however plays with boys primarily so that's who he invited to his party.

I think it depends on their friends really

[ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside]

Yanbu. I've never understood the point of single sex nights out at any age. If you want a select few and they all happen to be the same sex then fair enough that's different.

I find the idea that little girls will be more scared of climbing trees than little boys quite odd. Of course with that attitude they probably will but back when I was a little girl I enjoyed climbing trees and have memories of doing this with other little girls and boys. Strangely enough the ability and fear etc seemed to vary not by our sex but by our individual personalities..

[Birdsgottafly]

""the idea of having a party just doing "girly" stuff sounds horrible.""

Not to some girls/young women.

On another thread, the OP was in angst because she didn't think her Aunt would like the A Summers party her Mother was throwing. Posters suggested ruining the surprise because they'd hate that type off party,

The OPs Aunt loved it, she obviously hides that side from her Niece.

We are all different ( my RL experiences are very different to the norm on MN).

Trust the Parents to know their children and not judge that they are allowing their children to be who they want to be.

[smokinggnu]

Definitely personality my older more able and sporty girl is crap at climbing because she is terrified of heights (as his her dad) my younger, less sporty, girl bloody loves climbing and will try (and eventually succeed) to scale most things.

[LahLahsbigband]

But at the age I am talking about, the party themes are all going to be suggested by the parents. I would be amazed if my son declared he wanted a party. He's just interested in presents, lollies and cake with all his friends. Any themes would ebbe suggested by me ( although I concede younger siblings might want to copy an older sibling's party theme). I suppose it just means that they have to exposed to these ideas from somewhere, and often times its parents

[duplodon]

Why are playdates necessarily so different with boys at this age? My ds's play with duplo, lego, animals, vehicles, little people, playmobil, bikes, sand, jigsaws, garden toys, cafe, shop, Sofia the First, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, My Little Pony, Moshi monsters and the Avengers. They also love anything vaguely crafty and have a particular love for playing ice cream parlour, at present serving Santa and his reindeer. They play well with boys and girls, I've never seen any issue.

Yanbu.

[Dontstepinthecowpat]

This year I have only invited the boys from DS's class. The reason for this being that the past two years I've invited the three girls in his class to several events and their parents haven't RSVP or brought them along.

So I'm saving myself the expense and don't care what they think.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

By 'tree climbing' I mean being put into a harness and going up a steep flight of stairs attached to the zip wire. I don't mean climbing up one branch, then to the next as high as you feel confident, btw.

Oh and I was an avid tree climber when little, tree climbing in the normal sense of the word.

I do think it's sad, but when faced with a group of pink glittery, princess costume wearing, tea party throwing girls in the classroom, I'm not sure what my options are tbh! Especially with a DS who refuses to do any 'girly' activities.

Its even harder at the new school because I rarely hear him mention the girls, the only girl he refers to with any frequency is the one he sits with at lunch time (allocated places).

So I would either throw a whole of year level party - which would necessitate a hall type party due to numbers, or boys only to get the numbers down to 2/3rds - still expensive if for an activity based party but manageable, or specifically chosen boys - easier financially but something I am reluctant to do in the early years of friendship forming at the new school. I certainly wouldn't just invite the 1 girl with some of the boys. That would just feel too odd.

[PurpleSwift]

Yabu. If the child wanted a girls only party, then that's up to her.

[PurpleSwift]

When i was little I had an all
Boys party

[Mehitabel6]

It is the natural phase-they go back to mixing again later.
I just let mine invite 8 children-it was then entirely up to them. I never had whole class parties at any age-far too big and not enough room in the house.

[Birdsgottafly]

""But at the age I am talking about, the party themes are all going to be suggested by the parents.""

Not, necessarily, my DDs knew what they wanted, my youngest DD would of progressed from Dinosaurs/Pirates to Manga/Pokemon.

""Especially with a DS who refuses to do any 'girly' activities.""

That's more linked into sexism that anything gendered. Girls/Women are second class, a girl who likes Pink/baking/pampering, even more so.

That's what the "reclaiming Pink" campaign was about. If we didn't put Alpha Male/Macho culture on a pedestal, the world would of been a more peaceful place, with a lot less accepted violence against women (and feminine gay men).

[financialwizard]

I've never come across anything like it. Both of mine (boy & girl) invite who they like. Both invite boys and girls. My children's friends are the same.

[LahLahsbigband]

countering that sort of sexism is absolutely necessary, which would be well done by not leaving kids out of activities with their actual, real friends just because their bits are different

[duplodon]

It isn't more sexist for a boy child to want to avoid girly stuff than it is for a girl to squeal at outdoorsy things and be obsessed with being a dainty pink princess. Both roles are just enactments of what adult society dictates is okay for children based on their genitalia, both are oppressive of women (but also restrictive for men) and both cause wholly unnecessary suffering.

[LahLahsbigband]

Totally agree with you duplodon

[Birdsgottafly]

""It isn't more sexist for a boy child to want to avoid girly stuff than it is for a girl to squeal at outdoorsy things and be obsessed with being a dainty pink princess.""


Well, it is if that's the girls personality and the boy won't have anything to do with "Girls" stuff, because it's associated with femininity and that is "bad" and makes you less of a male.

Just because the girl has picked a all girls party doesn't mean she can't climb as well as the boys around her.

Loving Pink and wanting to be feminine doesn't mean you are less capable, male or female.

[girliefriend]

Yanbu at all, I find it depressing as well.

Most girls I know would love a tree climbing party, I am totally as to why you think they would be any more scared than boys - that is a depressing assumption imo. It is only us adults that put gender preferences onto activities, and to assume that only a girl would stand at the bottom of the tree to scared to go up is ridiculous and makes me tbh.

I think gender stereo typing is as bad now as it ever has been and a lot of parents are complicit in this

[tobysmum77]

yanbu op. But then dd's best friend is a boy so it's not an option for me. I guess I'm not entirely clear why some girls will only pay with girls - is it conditioning or what they really want?

fwiw dd is always when it's a Princess dress up party but she would love climbing trees.