About 'girls' parties and 'boys' parties?

[LahLahsbigband]

My DS is six, and in his first year at school. There have been lots of birthday parties throughout the year, including his. I asked who he played with and we got together a mixed group of boys and girls for his party and it went very well.

As is to be expected, friendships have been very fluid over the year, but by and large it's a lovely group of kids and they all play together pretty nicely. On Friday one little girl, who I know my son plays with quite a lot, was handing out pink invitations to all the girls (in front of everyone) and said "its not for boys, it's a girls party". AIBU to be annoyed at this stupid boys versus girls thing, at this young age?

OK, his mother can invite whoever she wants and no one is owed an invitation - fine. I don't feel that it's necessary to ask a whole class (there are 24 in the class), and my son isn't put out about not going - this sort of thing tends to wash over him and quite frankly I am glad I don't have to schlep to yet ANOTHER party on my weekend with a gift.

It's just this stupid "boys"/"girls" apartheid that grinds my gears. They're SIX. My sons have been brought up with friends of both genders and sure, they may be areas where their interests don't overlap but every kid likes a party, and when he's been to very typically 'girly' parties (eg with a fairy princess entertainer) he still got into it and had fun, just as I imagine a little girl would enjoy running about at a "sports" party designed for little football fans (just an example of an all "boys" party we were invited to this year). I just think it's so sad at this age, and really annoys me when parents encourage it. Why not just invite the friends that you play with, whatever gender they are?

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

hazel that's hardly the same. Pretty much a shit comparison to try and get your crap point across. What a load of bollox.

If your child came home and said I would love a princess party for girls - you obviously would say " no darling - you must have a non gender party with NO references to your actual gender OR to be seen enjoying something you like to do - yes mummy will organise your very P.C party so I feel good about myself"

Maybe all children should walk around in grey shrouds so nobody knows what gender they are and doesn't dare buy then anything gender specific.

[Mehitabel6]

I did not say that girls were bitches- you do seem to have your own agenda and put words in my mouth!
Boys and girls generally have differences- but some of you won't accept it.
I did supply teaching for years. It can be tough. I could be at home at 8am thinking that I had a free day and be in front of a class I didn't know at 9am, with no time to see the plans, if there were any. You think on your feet. You have to survive! There were tough classes. I didn't go back to schools where I didn't like the Head or staff (another story) but there were only 2 classes where the children caused me to say to the Heads that I would go to their school but I wouldn't have those classes again. I had checked with other supply teachers and they had exactly the same problems. It was the girls, it was very, very subtle- they made the job very unpleasant without any single one of them doing anything you could complain about without seeming silly. In both cases the Head sorted them out and I was able to list about 20 tactics that I was not putting up with. Boys can have challenging behaviour but it is direct- they have never caused me to refuse to have a class.
They were not bitches- individually they were pleasant.
There are lots of other differences. I have never had to have boxes of tissues to mop up year 5 boy friendship problems- I have with girls. ( they were not bitches either- they were lovely).

[NancyJones]

I don't believe that either. I have boys and girls and a massive cross over in what is deemed stereotypical. I just don't think it's as arbitrary as race.

[NancyJones]

Sorry, that post was to Hazelnutt. I write it about 2hours ago.

[Mehitabel6]

There are children who don't like them! I didn't. I chose not to have parties when I was young. I had a small circle of close friends and so only expected a small number of invitations- if they had them. I only liked going if they were real friends with very small parties. I haven't changed much as an adult except that I can cope with them, in the way that I couldn't at 5yrs.

[HazleNutt]

I have never said that one can't have a princess party or wear grey only . I don't understand why you would need to necessarily exclude boys from a princess party though, especially if that boy is your daughter's good friend and they otherwise play together quite happily. Because boys are born to hate princesses?

And not too long ago there were 'scientific' studies 'proving' that races are totally different and therefore must be treated differently. We all agree that that's not acceptable any more - but it's totally acceptable to claim that 'girls just won't like that', 'boys are violent' or that women should stay in the slow lane.

[Floggingmolly]

It's also totally normal to allow your children to invite who they choose to their own party, Hazel, which is almost certainly what happened here.
He wasn't excluded; he just wasn't invited. I couldn't get that point across to the loon at the school gates either, sadly

[TheKitchenWitch]

As usual on these types of debates, I'm going to point out that we quite regularly "segregate" men and women in many areas eg sports, schools, changing rooms, toilets, hospital wards (NHS is working TOWARDS single-sex wards and away from mixed).
It's really not totally arbitrary and nothing like race.

[NancyJones]

HazleNutt, the stereotypes you cite are nonsense but there's no getting away from the fact that unlike race, there's really are differences between boys and girls.

The important thing is not to pigeon hole children into any category or expect them to behave a certain way based purely on their sex. Not to be surprised at girls who can't sit still or are very active toddlers or who are sporty or science lovers. Likewise, not to see a lack if interest in sport or gentleness or social anxiety as a weak trait in a little boy.

Also, as a grown woman, I like the company of other grown women. I have male friends too but my close friendships are with other women. I don't feel that society expects this of me or has forced it upon me, rather that there is a connection there that I have always felt is missing in my opposite sex friendships. Probably shared interests and experiences.

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

I think this boils down clearly to the divide on MN on do you let your dc pick who they would like to their to party or don't you.

I think you can try to manufacture yoyr children's tastes and dislikes as much as you like but ultimately they will always win out because they have their own personalities , likes and dislikes.

[Miggsie]

DD is in a small class and the boys and girls play together except for 2 girls who want to be very chatty and not run around, and 3 boys who want to talk in secret code and not play with the others. So the majority of kids play in a mixed group and have from age 8-11.

Possibly this is due to the school being very unconventional in its approach.

DD has had mixed gender parties for a while and she goes to the boys parties. But then DD is madly into laser tag - so we invited the kids who liked laser tag that were DD friends.

[Micah]

Yes, but what we're talking about here is the assumption of a child's likes or dislikes, or their behaviour, based on genitalia.

Why should boys be excluded from pamper parties or frozen parties? Girls won't like physical parties like tree climbing?

You're forcing the stereotypes again- girls who don't like pink glittery fairies are going to be excluded because they don't conform. So they are pressured into saying they do like stuff or don't like it so they get to go to a party or two. A boy who enjoys having his nails done is soon going to learn the lesson that it's wrong to like it.

My kids can invite who they want to their parties. I'm not going to say they can't invite x or y because they're the wrong sex, or make it girls only because the numbers fit better. They should invite their friends.

[Mehitabel6]

Someone earlier had the mad idea that you invited by lottery, as if all 6 yr olds are the same and you are not supposed to choose some as friends and have nothing much in common with others.
The child has a birthday- you ask which friends they want to come ( in my case with a very restricted number). Who cares if they are girls or boys as long as they are friends and they will actually enjoy the party.
OP says her son isn't bothered- I should think that if it as dire as a pamper party he would count it as a lucky escape!

[3humpedcamel]

I agree with the OP. At 6, girls and boys get on well. There tends to be more of an issue when they're a few years older. The longer they can play happily with their friends, without focusing on their being boys or girls, the better.

[Mehitabel6]

If I had a girl I would hope that we could find an excuse to avoid a pamper party.

[Mehitabel6]

I think you can try to manufacture yoyr children's tastes and dislikes as much as you like but ultimately they will always win out because they have their own personalities , likes and dislikes

That is the one sure thing.

[Boomtownsurprise]

I really can only hear "whinge whinge son wasn't invited whinge whinge" the rest is adult blather. Kids couldn't give a crap.

Birthday Girl asked for only girl friends. That's really all that's pertinent. Her party. Her list. End of.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I think my daughter would have fun if she split based on boy/ girl. It would have to be a pirate party! My other daughter would have to have purple and blue.

It's lazy on the parents behalf that they can't be bothered to find out who their friends actually are. My (pirate) daughter has had a friend since she was about 10 months old who is a boy, they went through three different nurseries together (coincidence) and although they went to different schools they still talk about each other. She'd be upset if we said he wasn't invited to her parties because he's a boy.

[Floggingmolly]

It's lazy on the parents behalf that they can't be bothered to find out who their friends actually are
There is nothing in the op to suggest it was the parent's doing, confuddled? Most parents use the simple expedient of asking their child who they consider their friends to be, and who they want at their party. If some child who thinks they're more of a friend than they actually are falls through the net, what can you do?
That's life.

[Mehitabel6]

Parties seem a minefield on MN. Since I always preferred a small circle of friends it is hardly surprising that my children were similar.
If you have a small circle you only get a few parties.
Friendships are fluid as they change - just because they were friendly in nursery doesn't mean they are friends at school, the friends in the infants often change in junior. I can remember all of mine having a special friend at 5 yrs who was no longer a special friend at 7 yrs.

[Mehitabel6]

What you can do is help them be resilient and get over it.

[confuddledDOTcom]

Because at 6 most children aren't only friends with all the children of the same sex in their class. If it was just a handful then you could understand it but not only friends with the half of the class that's the same sex as them.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Who says that at 6 they're friends with both genders? At 6 DS1 was friendly with both, but only friends with the boys.

DS2, soon to be 6, counts only 1 girl in his class as a general friend, but no girls in his group of friends, which numbers around 8 boys.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Stop thinking that what YOUR child does is the standard.

They're a mixed bunch, these children of ours.

[unclerory]

Stop thinking that what YOUR child does is the standard.

Isn't that what you are doing? All your posts on this thread could be summed up as 'My boys are only friends with boys ergo all boys are only friends with boys so anyone who suggests that their son might like to have a girl at their party is forcing their adult agenda on their children'. Pot kettle black? From your very first post:

It's a lot easier, sometimes, to have boys only or girls only parties.

Firstly, it's a brilliant way of cutting the numbers down without offending people.

Doesn't sound like a child's choice, sounds like an adult imposing their own agenda. And it clearly offends some people.