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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to sulk for a bit about DH saying 'go and see fat mummy'...

70 replies

lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:05

...to my 7 yo. Last night.
When I said to him later there was no need to say that to DS1, his response was 'well that's what he calls you'.
Firstly, I've never heard him say that and secondly, even if he did, that is no reason for DH to call me it as well.
When I said that to him, DH just said 'well, he's at that age you know - he's noticed that you aren't like the normal mummies at school' WTF! Normal?! He can't even understand why that's has offended me!

(for the record - I am fat - I'm a size 18-20 - I'm not some giant mammoth though)

I was very upset last night. Now I'm still upset and I don't really want to talk to him. I'm at work though, so I don't have to...

OP posts:
squoosh · 28/11/2014 11:07

YWBU to sulk, sulking solves nothing.

Instead I would be actively fucking livid.

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:08

I want to be livid. I feel like I should be. But I seem to have gone the other way :(

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 28/11/2014 11:08

Shock I'd be absolutely fuming!!!

ChoochiWoo · 28/11/2014 11:08

Im a big girl and my DH would get torn a new one if he ever said that!.Angry Angry Sad Sad .....is he usually making those kind of comments?

Mercedes519 · 28/11/2014 11:09

YYY to being livid.

I get massively pissed off with DH saying something which patronises me (even if I have done something a lot bit stupid) because I think it sends the message that it's OK to take the piss out of someone or call them names.

Quangle · 28/11/2014 11:10

God awful. So sorry. Agree with squoosh

Sn00p4d · 28/11/2014 11:10

I'm the same size and would go absolutely mental!
Although I'm a bitch so I'd pick one of DHs flaws he's self conscious about and refer to him by it until he got the message.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 28/11/2014 11:11

How awful that he is teaching your son to be abusive. :(

firstposts · 28/11/2014 11:12

Awful Sad what a nasty thing to say. Is he trying to be funny or just trying to make you feel like shit?

Littleturkish · 28/11/2014 11:13

It's awful that he's said this to you. Nasty, cruel and a way of using your child as a vehicle to express to you that he doesn't like your appearance.

Are YOU happy with your size? This is the crux of it- he's made this issue with your son as a way of telling you HE isn't. What do you want to do next? It's a shitty way to tell you (esp if he's never said anything before) but is the fact that he has an issue with your weight an issue for you?

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:13

he has no tact. Never has done. And most of the time the I let it wash over me because its just the way he is.
I think its the fact that he said it to DS1 that got to me - he doesn't normally do that. And the fact that apparently I'm not normal.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 28/11/2014 11:13

what is (not d) h worried about. thinning hair maybe? baldy dad? sticky out ears?

ask him how he would like to have a characteristic of his pointed out and called by.

Trunkisareshite · 28/11/2014 11:14

Have my first LTB.

If that is what your son calls you, rather than encouraging it he should be explaining that it's not a nice thing to call anyone let anyone your mum!

Not like normal mummies at school- what utter crap!

I wouldn't talk to him until he came up with a bloody good apology. I'm sorry your husbands a cock, it also doesn't matter if you are 'some giant mammoth' it's simply not acceptable to be so hurtful to someone regardless of how big they are.

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2014 11:17

It's just the way he is is it? Sounds like he's trained you to put up with his shit and now he's starting on your DS.

Gunpowder · 28/11/2014 11:18

What squoosh said.

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:20

I'm not happy with my size. I'm not unhappy either. In fact the last year I made a decision to stop dwelling on it so much ( I spent 25 years with an ED which I managed to beat a couple of years ago. So I have put weight on - although when I met DH I was a 16 - I went down to a 12-14 then after kids it gradually increased)
I made a pact with myself to accept myself as I am. I even did some modelling for a vintage clothing company. This didn't seem to impress DH at all - it just bemused him - there was a vague 'oh that's good' when I told him I won the competition (to model) He doesn't mention my weight normally other than to say 'hows your diet going?' and I never know with him if its genuine interest, or a dig.
TBH I don't give a sh*t if he's happy with my weight or not. Its not about him.
Was he trying to be funny? Probably. I don't know.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 28/11/2014 11:26

I'm sorry, I'd be thinking 'Do I need this person in my life?'

SallyMcgally · 28/11/2014 11:27

You poor thing. I'd be feeling very tearful and hurt, and then I'd feel like going batshit crazy at him. What a vile way to talk about and to you. Yes - find one of his flaws and use it as part of his name - then see how he likes it.

Littleturkish · 28/11/2014 11:27

I would be really upset if my DH no longer found me attractive. It's ultimately got to come at some point, but it would upset me that he no longer found me desirable. And I know for certain the reverse would be true, too.

However, I would challenge him on what he's said. "What you're saying is YOU don't think I'm normal, YOU think I'm fat." To push him into actually articulating what he thinks or feels, because using your son to pass on shitty childish 'fat mummy' insults is so so wrong, it could never be funny.

Pangurban · 28/11/2014 11:29

'Not like normal mummies'. He must mean that you're an extra special mother.

I do think that's a rotten thing to say. Especial that 'not like normal mummies'.

Shouldn't be planting this view of you in your son's head.

No,you're not a normal mummy like all the others to your son. You're an extra special mummy because you're his.

Aherdofmims · 28/11/2014 11:30

Yanbu.

However you have made me feel bad as I often call Dh fat in this way. He is not fat though. I'm afraid I tend to use fat to describe the way a'll adults appear ungainly in relation to children. B

InAllFairness · 28/11/2014 11:36

I would be livid and be a bit shouty as opposed to sulk, but I would also think oh god I really do need get my act together and lose a bit of weight, although I never would.

Have you put on much weight since meeting your DH? If so I guess he wants the old you back, sorry. If that's not the case then he's being a dick.

ShumbTucker · 28/11/2014 11:38

That is cruel and unnecessary, I am angry on your behalf Angry

Please feel free to name call him all you want out of earshot of your child but in our house we don't call each other nasty names. Its rude, disrespectful and hurtful. This man needs a lesson that in "normal" families, cruel and cutting insults are not acceptable.

saturnvista · 28/11/2014 11:39

Appalling. Totally. I can't think what it would take to address this. How dreadful. Fat should be a banned word in your house. It is very demeaning of your partner to encourage his son to label you according to your physical appearance, especially if it's something you're vulnerable about. It would be like my dad being encouraged to call me mummy who can't walk. I would explain this and insist on him referring to you as beautiful mummy for the next week to reverse the damage. But what it means for you both relationally I've no idea. He sounds dreadful. Is this his way of complaining about your appearance?

AdamLambsbreath · 28/11/2014 11:40

It's horrible for your husband to refer to you as 'fat', and it is completely unacceptable for him to try to involve your child in calling you names.

It's not a matter of tact, it's a matter of care, respect and kindness. You partner's supposed to love you. Is it loving for him encourage your son to call you 'fat mummy' when he knows you used to have an eating disorder?

I really don't think you can say that that's 'just the way he is'. We all control the things that come out of our mouths, and if he sees that what he says has made you unhappy then he should be at the very least apologising, and definitely trying a lot harder not to be a twat.

Like others, I think you might have just got used to tolerating someone who puts you down a lot. It's not OK. Why should you have to let it all wash over you? You deserve better Thanks

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