Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to sulk for a bit about DH saying 'go and see fat mummy'...

70 replies

lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:05

...to my 7 yo. Last night.
When I said to him later there was no need to say that to DS1, his response was 'well that's what he calls you'.
Firstly, I've never heard him say that and secondly, even if he did, that is no reason for DH to call me it as well.
When I said that to him, DH just said 'well, he's at that age you know - he's noticed that you aren't like the normal mummies at school' WTF! Normal?! He can't even understand why that's has offended me!

(for the record - I am fat - I'm a size 18-20 - I'm not some giant mammoth though)

I was very upset last night. Now I'm still upset and I don't really want to talk to him. I'm at work though, so I don't have to...

OP posts:
saturnvista · 28/11/2014 11:40

How would he like to be called wee willy daddy.

Ev1lEdna · 28/11/2014 11:40

I do think that's a rotten thing to say. Especial that 'not like normal mummies'.

I think that was the worst bit of all. I would be upset about that and about the message he is giving your son.

anothergenericname · 28/11/2014 11:44

I'm so sorry - that is a really nasty thing for him to do and I pity your son being put in the middle by him like that. How vicious! This isn't tactless - this is cruel, and it's teaching your son that this is an acceptable way to speak to women. And InAllFairness - it doesn't actually matter if she's gained 20 stone since she met her husband - this is not an appropriate way for him to raise the issue and all weight issues need to be resolved by the person struggling with them. Hurling insults is never going to help. He's being a dick however you look at it.

AdamLambsbreath · 28/11/2014 11:44

If the OP's husband wants the old her back, the proper way to deal with that is to talk to her, adult to adult, about how he feels about her weight gain.

It is not to start calling her 'fat mummy' in front of their 7-year-old son.

Regardless of his motivation he is, I'm afraid, being a GIANT dick.

cherrybombxo · 28/11/2014 11:45

Even if your son does say it, he's at an age where "fat", "old", etc are just words and don't mean anything to them. Your husband, however, is a grown man and knows exactly the gravity of what he's saying.

Just refer to him as "baldy daddy" or similar until he apologises profusely, with tears and a Mulberry handbag.

CaptainAnkles · 28/11/2014 11:46

What the fuck? This, from the people who are supposed to love you more than anyone else? Really? How heartwarming.

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:47

He doesn't see anything wrong with the things he says. He's very fond of saying 'I'm not being mean, but'... and then continuing on with being mean.
I've argued countless times about that, but I just can't be ar*ed any more.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 28/11/2014 11:49

Teaching a 7 year old child to call another person insulting names is horrendous behaviour, but by the sounds of it this big has been subjected to his father treating his mother to names for a while and she lets it wash over her - this is such a sad way to behave.

OP you are a loving mum being subjected to this crap

LTB you deserve better and so does your ds

cherrybombxo · 28/11/2014 11:51

He's very fond of saying 'I'm not being mean, but'... and then continuing on with being mean.

If he knows that what's about to say is mean then he should just bite his tongue. I'm sorry OP, he sounds like an absolute prick and I'm not sure how much of it I'd be will to put up with. I'm not a LTB-er as we only get a snapshot of a relationship on here but it sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you or your feelings.

Fudgeface123 · 28/11/2014 11:52

Aherdofmims you sound lovely

CattyCatCat · 28/11/2014 11:52

Wow. Your husband is behaving in a disgusting way. Absolutely not on to belittle you and make fun of you to your DS. Dh might be personally unhappy with your size but he has no business whatsoever sharing that with DS. Dh should speak directly to you if your weight is concerning him. I am sorry that you have been treated so horribly Flowers

stubbornstains · 28/11/2014 11:53

My dad used to encourage us to make jokes about my (only slightly overweight) mum's size when we were kids, and didn't know any better. Oh, how we laughed Sad.

(It's OK now, she's pretty much on a permanent diet, so has slimmed down to a size that is acceptable to him, evidently Angry).

InAllFairness · 28/11/2014 11:54

My DD and DS shut the living room door on me last week and were discussing how they thought I was a bit fatter than some of the other mothers Blush I said yes fair enough I was but don't ever call me fat again and reeled off a list of mums they know who were fatter than me or the same size. They haven't mentioned it since and I have been watching what I eat a bit more because of it. Bit yes I have put on a bit of weight about 2/3 dress sizes since having my DD.

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:55

He hasn't said anything like this in front of the boys before. That's why I'm so upset that he's done it. But you are correct - he is a GIANT dick. Thank you very much for saying that :)
On Saturday I'm going into London to meet my friends in the dress I made that DH told me I'm not wearing (to be fair - its the first and only time he's told me not to wear something. Its a 'novelty' christmas dress which has offended him because it is tacky and has scantily clad men on the front. Again I don't give a sh*t - it was meant to be funny for my friends) I have no doubt they will all tell me he is a twat as well.

OP posts:
Pangurban · 28/11/2014 11:55

I think you need to have a discussion with him.

I have some siblings who remained blond while I went brown. They were older than me and I'd get an odd comment about how brown my hair was turning. It was sort of in a sad way. I had other brown haired siblings, but not as young as me or the focus of these comments. It was a ridiculous set of comments, but I felt a little bit at fault.

Well, now they are gray haired and I have my brown locks still. Families can suck. But they were merely siblings. I can't imagine if one of my parents had tried to destabilise and reduce how I viewed the other based on a physical characteristic.

Your family should see you for your meaning to them. Health reasons are different and that is done in a more concerned loving based way. At that age, your son probably sees you as a loving pair of arms, a provider of food, warmth, joy, assurance, encouragement and comfort. Nobody should be prompting him to see you from outside your relationship and in a negative way.

And as for his comment about 'the normal mummies at school' to you. What can a body say?

Original poster
lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:59

Thank you everyone for reinforcing that what he's done/is doing isn't acceptable, both to me, but also to my boys who are learning their behaviour from him.

As I said, I've never heard DS1 call me fat before, and if I had, I would have explained that its not nice to call people names, even if its 'true' it can be hurtful (I've had the conversation with DS2 a few times as he does have a habit of shouting things out in public that he shouldn't)

OP posts:
naty1 · 28/11/2014 12:00

Not the way to approach it. Not right to say in front of kids. But it does sound like you could work on portion control - not a diet. I just use a side plate - esp for pasta etc. i can see this would really be complicated by the ED.

DoraGora · 28/11/2014 12:02

The guy sounds like an arsehole, to be quite frank. I'd be introducing shut-up or bugger off time, in my house, around about now.

nequidnimis · 28/11/2014 12:02

I agree with everyone who says he was very cruel, but I do think it suggests that he isn't happy with OP's size and that is probably something they both need to talk about properly.

It's all well and good saying that he should love her no matter what, but I know I would stop desiring DH if he gained a lot of weight, and I don't think that burying it for the sake of the other person's feelings is the right thing to do either (although it can obviously be raised in a tactful and supportive way).

I don't think you can compare weight gain with other perceived shortcomings - height, baldness, sticking out ears, size of penis etc because it is something that the individual has control over.

If OP is happy with her weight then she has to decide whether to LTB or live with his disapproval I suppose as I doubt he is suddenly going to find fatness appealing.

outtahell · 28/11/2014 12:03

He's teaching your 7 year old that it's okay to treat his mother like shit - what the actual fuck!?!

dottytablecloth · 28/11/2014 12:07

He sounds pathetic and I'm v cross on your behalf.

What kind of message is he sending to your son?

What redeeming qualities does he have?

DoraGora · 28/11/2014 12:08

nequid there are ways of dealing with weights and sizes, and emotional abuse coupled with spreading it to the children, doesn't even start to come close to being one of them.

I wouldn't defend this behaviour; it's reprehensible. The man needs to shape up or ship out. Full stop.

ivykaty44 · 28/11/2014 12:10

its not whether the OP is fat or not - its the teaching a child to insult another person that is the problem.

nequidnimis · 28/11/2014 12:11

I don't disagree in the slightest NoraGora. He sounds like a charmless dick to me.

Coconutty · 28/11/2014 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.