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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to sulk for a bit about DH saying 'go and see fat mummy'...

70 replies

lynniep · 28/11/2014 11:05

...to my 7 yo. Last night.
When I said to him later there was no need to say that to DS1, his response was 'well that's what he calls you'.
Firstly, I've never heard him say that and secondly, even if he did, that is no reason for DH to call me it as well.
When I said that to him, DH just said 'well, he's at that age you know - he's noticed that you aren't like the normal mummies at school' WTF! Normal?! He can't even understand why that's has offended me!

(for the record - I am fat - I'm a size 18-20 - I'm not some giant mammoth though)

I was very upset last night. Now I'm still upset and I don't really want to talk to him. I'm at work though, so I don't have to...

OP posts:

KnockMeDown · 28/11/2014 12:13

Hi OP

Have just had a look at the photo of you in the green dress on your profile, and you are one stunning, HOT, attractive woman!!!!

If your 'D'H can't see that, I would suggest he goes fuck himself to Specsavers

AdamLambsbreath · 28/11/2014 12:16

If OP is happy with her weight then she has to decide whether to LTB or live with his disapproval I suppose as I doubt he is suddenly going to find fatness appealing.

noooooooooo!

No-one is saying that the OP's husband is a giant dick because he doesn't find her fatness appealing.

People are saying he's a giant dick because he's belittled her about her weight in front of their child.

If you're unhappy with your partner's weight (and I've been there, in a previous relationship) you talk to them privately and kindly and say you'll support them to lose weight. You DO NOT go round calling them 'fat' and saying they don't look like all the other mums.

The OP may choose to live with her husband's 'disapproval' over her weight if she is happy with it and does not want to change it. What she does not have to live with is his name-calling and involvement of their small child in being horrible to Mum.

Viviennemary · 28/11/2014 12:21

This is totally out of order. I'd feel like saying to DS go and see rude ignorant inconsiderate Daddy in a loud voice. Or say to DS it is extremely rude to make personal remarks about people's appearance or the way they speak or whatever. Shall we tell Daddy this.

GiantGaspingSatanicCyst · 28/11/2014 12:30

Your husband is a charmless wanker. I'm so sorry

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 28/11/2014 12:31

Given that over 2/3rds of both men and women are now overweight, and 1/4 obese, it is normal to be overweight.

I cannot imagine living with someone who was rude to me or didn't fancy me, size has little to do with this as most people meet when they are younger, thinner and prettier and if you think it's going to last til your 80's then you are sadly deluded.

I would have a massive go at yoru husband about this, and pick up every time he makes one of his comments 'sorry, can you repeat that, it sounds like you are being rude to me'. Ask him directly not to say any negative things about your appearance as you have had an eating disorder.

If this man doesn't love or find his wife attractive, then fair enough, he could leave (and then try and find somone who isn't going to age/get fatter etc)- but of course this is not the case, he's happy to stick around and bolster his own self by putting her down. Don't put up with it.

As for those saying it's fine for a husband to approach his wife and suggest they lose weight, I would honestly leave my husband if he did that, part of being with me might mean during weight changes, the menopause, illness, disability, stress, we are in it for the next 50 years. I would know his love was relatively superfician and not for the long haul. My husband is obese, I still love and fancy him and our marriage is stronger than ever. If my weight was a deal-breaker I would want to know. so I could move on to find someone else who finds me attractive.

Lomega · 28/11/2014 12:34

What a respectful thing to say to you.

Dick.

I might sound childish here but I'd start encouraging DS to call his daddy a 'lovely' new nickname that demeans his self esteem. "Old daddy" perhaps? Or as one of my friend's daughters calls her (rude) uncle, "Skanky man?"

TiggerLillies · 28/11/2014 12:35

I'd be asking him if I had married a bully or just someone was ultra-thick.
There is no way that this was a decent way for him to speak to you, and to not even apologise after you pointed out you were offended.

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2014 12:42

Aherdofmims please stop doing that. Adults are not 'fat' in relation to children. Such talk could easily spark an eating disorder as a child may be convinced that when they're an adult they'll be fat too.

nequidnimis · 28/11/2014 12:47

AdamLambsbreath - I think you have misunderstood my post or maybe I didn't express myself well.

I agree that he is a giant dick for belittling OP and also for teaching their child that this is ok.

As a separate point, this can only be resolved in one of two ways (given that OP doesn't want to lose weight) - leave him (and this would be my choice) or stay in the knowledge that, even if he stops saying it, he's thinking it.

MummyBeerest · 28/11/2014 13:16

What an absolute shit head.

What seems to be especially telling is that, even when you feel good about yourself, he can't be happy for you. And doesn't want anyone else to be happy for you either.

You can definitely do better than him.

Roussette · 28/11/2014 13:28

Lynnie I've just looked at your photos (hope you don't mind) and you are absolutely beautiful and not fat. You are curvaceous but that is a totally different thing. You are a gorgeous looking woman with a fab figure. I would go apeshit at my DH if he even hinted at anything so personal with me.

wheresthelight · 28/11/2014 13:33

as a fellow 18-20 size I would have made dp sleep in the shed for making a comment like that!! and he would have come home to find himself in charge of thanked, house and all chores whilst I took his card to the nearest 5* spa

what a knob you have op

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 28/11/2014 13:36

Who the ACTUAL FUCK sees someone they love recover from an eating disorder, and then bangs on about their diet and calls them fat?

Words fail me.

Blueteas · 28/11/2014 13:45

Has anyone made the inevitable crack about there being an instant method of losing twelve or thirteen stone of unwanted weight?

You have every right to be furious, OP. Whatever your husband's private feelings about your body, to normalise cruel nicknames, dismiss your ED, and signal his dissatisfaction via using your child, is revolting behaviour. You deserve better, and, frankly, if you had an the size if the Isle of Wight, you would deserve better.

Original poster

lynniep · 28/11/2014 14:10

I'm taking it all on board, and trying not to get teary again (still at work). And thank you for the comments about my photo although what I actually look like isn't really the issue (and obviously that's not what I really look like - I'd just spent two hours in hair and makeup plus I had very.constrictive.shapewear on LOL).

I guess though part of the issue is related to the photo - in that I'd gotten myself into a place where I was happy with myself, fat or no fat - and it was enough raise my confidence to the point where I felt I could enter a competition when I knew my photographs would be visible to the general public - thereby announcing 'hey - I'm big and I'm not hiding it' - but to him its no big deal. To him I'm just 'fat'. And as someone said further up - he's not happy for me to be happy :(

OP posts:

ShumbTucker · 28/11/2014 14:16

Like other Lynnie, I think you are absolutely beautiful. Your smile is mesmerising. You may be "fat" love but that's much, much preferable to being a bully who is ugly on the inside with the all the charm and grace of a used tissue.

ShumbTucker · 28/11/2014 14:16

others*

biggles50 · 28/11/2014 14:28

Your husband should not involve your child in this issue and to egg your son on to humiliate his mum is very wrong. Speak to your husband about this and tell him you want to bring your son up to respect people. He really has to learn how disgusting he's been. Sadly you can only lose weight for you and nasty jibes will have the opposite effect.

QTPie · 28/11/2014 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Rollermum · 28/11/2014 14:38

He sounds like he is trying to control you and your size via your child and making snide little comments. And after you've have an ED - unacceptable.

And to posters offering their advice on 'portion control' etc: the poster is not asking for advice on losing weight. This slightly legitimises her husbands view that there is a right way and a wrong way to be. And assuming that what worked for you, or what you imagine might work for others, is really unhelpful, and please think twice. I don't mean to be disrespectful, honestly, it just pushes my buttons as I get it from my mum all the time about portion control and moderation. For some people that is not achievable for various reasons. I don't want to go into why here because it is not about that, but overweight is caused by lots of things and people can tackle it in a variety of ways (if they want to).

OP your dress sounds amazing!

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