To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

[purplebiro]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

If I were a journalist I'd sometimes be lazy too.... especially in winter Im sure if a journalist interviewed you, you'd say the same thing so what's the bother? This is a "source" for information like any other site, no big deal.

Christ, I've not been back because I've been cooking and then eating dinner.

Interesting responses, thanks. Perhaps a little less judgement or condescension from some quarters would've been nice but I guess that is what you get for asking for opinions in an open forum.

I will work as hard at raising my children as I have at many other things I have done in my life - possibly harder because I sincerely believe that if you've made the choice to have a child it is something you have an absolute and unavoidable choice to do your very best at for as long as you need to.

But I have also created and run a very successful social enterprise and - honestly - though I deeply desire and will aim to parent children who make a valuable and significant contribution to the world I will not be ambitious for them in the same way I am for my business. If my kids turn out to be shelf stackers I wouldn't give a shit, so long as they were happy shelf stackers. If my business fails to make a difference to the world then I would feel that I have failed.

Clearly there is a difference in how you place value on those two things but as a first time mother these are not differences I understand yet (if I ever will) and as a feminist I have spent my life defining my worth by my abilities and capacity to act on them - fertility isn't something that I ever considered an "ability" (although I suspect I would have, had I found myself unexpectedly without it) so it seems strange to have to make this sudden sea change where is becomes a hugely valuable asset overnight.

And for everyone who told me not to take it so seriously - quite right. I didn't really, but I do think it raises some interesting questions about self and ambition that any prospective mother should probably be thinking about and discussing with other women.

Lots of love
Katy Hopkins (JK)

What I dont like is being on this site and all of a sudden something comes through my speakers telling me about how fantastic detol is? really? (rushes off to site stuff to tell them off)

And I'm not a journalist - I worked in PR for a long time and I can tell you that most journalists are WAY less subtle than that.

OP, if you are already doubtful of motherhood's credentials why are you announcing your pregnancy on FB at 12 weeks? It seems an uncontrollable 'pride' you have there?

In 6 months or so, when you fall in love with your baby, you will get it. Congrats!

Wait, and think about this question in 5 years time. Anyone can potentially be a successful business person, but being a great mum and making a shiny, lovely new person is amazing!

Oh right, OP, well you have it sussed then.

Why do I have to defend that? I am very excited to be having a kid! I have friends who I want to share that excitement with - I hardly think that's the crime of the fucking century?

Being a feminist, which I hope we all are due to having a vagina and owning it, by the way has absolutely nothing to do with creating another life, therefore YES it certainly is the best thing I have ever done.

Nobody thought you were Katie Hopkins purple. She has 3 children already.

Judgement and condescension in AIBU? Shocking!

The thing is, if you don't have kids and view certain achievements or experiences as the pinnacle of your existence, that's cool. If you do have kids and you prize your achievements over their existence, you're a dick, even if your achievements have tremendous benefit to humanity.

Oh dear.

Actually when I was struggling to conceive people announcing their pregnancies on FB was the crime of the century. But that's a whole other thread.

fertility isn't something that I ever considered an "ability"

It's not an ability. Parenting is though.

What duplodon said.

I don't understand your last post op, why would you be justifying being excited about your pregnancy?

as a feminist I have spent my life defining my worth by my abilities and capacity to act on them - fertility isn't something that I ever considered an "ability"

Motherhood is rather more than the acts of conception and childbirth.

Do you really think your friend was congratulating you on your fertility, or commenting on your fertility in any way? She was talking about your impending motherhood, as your thread title identifies.

which prompts me to ask the question, why did you get pregnant in the first place with such a stinking attitude?

So that's it, is it? When I have my kid everything else will pale into insignificance? Or I'm a dick? Listen, I don't know if that's true, because I've not had the kid yet but you all seem pretty fucking adamant, no one seems interested in delving into it that deep and I'm all for occam's razor.

That said, now I really hope you are right and I will make this magical transformation because I'm going to feel a complete arsehole if I don't, having read all this!

I have enjoyed some exotic holidays, nursed dying people and got a first class degree. Intelligent and hard working like yourself. But by far the best or most worthwhile thing I have ever done is have my children.

I do understand where you are coming from OP and I used to get annoyed when people used to stare at my tummy when I was pregnant and ask me when I was due etc. I used to feel frustrated that they only seemed to see me as a walking incubator - 'don't they realise I still have THINGS TO SAY ABOUT OTHER STUFF' etc.

But…and I really don't mean to sound patronising…. when it happens to you you realise your world is turned upside down comprehensively. In a good way. As someone said upthread, you would give your life for your child. Work success/status really gets put in perspective. That doesn't mean you lose your brain cells or become a lesser person. On the contrary, you start to experience life and emotions with a new understanding, depth and complexity.

I should imagine your friend was just trying to give you a heartfelt congratulations and I suggest you respond in a warm way or you will regret it. Good luck - it's a magical thing!

I LOVE duplodon's post. Got it in a nutshell. Apart from that, this is a pointless conversation, OP. You don't get it yet. But you will. And I don't care if that's condescending.

Honestly purple raising a decent person is an achievement. And a hard fought one. Motherhood is no fucking walk in the park

I'm with you. I think you're on the wrong forum though, for people to agree with you (hint: MUMsnet). No one will ever admit publicly that parenting's not everyone's best skill or achievement, but a swift glance around any supermarket will reveal the truth.