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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sincerely hope motherhood is not the best thing I will ever do?

435 replies

purplebiro · 25/11/2014 18:47

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, recently announced on FB and an old school friend commented "congrats - it's the best thing you'll ever do". AIBU to really want to reply "I sincerely fucking hope not"?

I know she was trying to be nice and I am delighted about the pregnancy but I am also highly intelligent, ambitious and hard working - if the best thing I'm ever going to do is with my womb, I might as well give up now. AND I doubt anyone would ever say that to a man.

OP posts:
FiftyShadesofScreeeeeeeam · 25/11/2014 21:35

You don't really have a choice though, being a mother will change your life and it'll never be the same. And it should be the most important thing because nothing or no one will need you like a child will.

That doesn't mean it's everything you are.

Your friend's comment was quite nice. Just wait til after the baby is born and someone tells you to 'sleep when baby sleeps'....

Grin
Goldenbear · 25/11/2014 21:36

Well you're declaring yourself a 'feminist' on the subject but you're being flippant and minimising the importance of pregnancy, birth, motherhood - men used to do this and still do because it is 'insignificant' women's 'stuff'- this is why it took so long to get maternity rights. In what way are you a 'feminist'?

No, you're not duty bound to respond to all comments but you 'are' discussing the point of 'you' being more than a mother as you're a feminist- I am disputing that.

This very discussion is concerned with your 'doubts' over this role in comparison with your other roles so you do have 'doubts'and are anything but content otherwise you wouldn't have started this discussion.

Tinks42 · 25/11/2014 21:38

Now everyone "loves" op and sympathises with her Grin

RJnomore · 25/11/2014 21:40

Purple, there is no need to be elbow deep in nappies without sleep.

There is a lot of competitive misery on here and I have seen a hell of a lot of poor advice. No need to be sat for hours bfing - even if you do ebf. No need to martyr yourself to no sleep and no nights out and a life of misery (in my view) unless you choose to parent in that way. If I'd had to go through all that, I can guarantee you parenting wouldn't even be in top 100 life events.

Old MN, it's a great place, but my it doesn't half have a strange world view at times.

duplodon · 25/11/2014 21:40

I don't understand your quote? It has nothing to do with sleepless nights or nappies. It's basically like EmbarrassedPossessed said. You're responsible for the life and well-being of another human being who is entirely dependent on you and completely vulnerable when biologically and hormonally you are primed to love and protect them from harm. It's insanely huge. It really is. It's indescribable, really.

Tinks42 · 25/11/2014 21:41

I totally agree with Golden here.

Coyoacan · 25/11/2014 21:42

as a feminist I have spent my life defining my worth by my abilities and capacity to act on them - fertility isn't something that I ever considered an "ability"

Why do you reduce having children to fertility and why do you think that being a feminist has nothing to do with raising children, but everything to do with paid employment?

I'm glad you are intelligent, because you will need all your intelligence and more to raise your child/ren.

Sparklingbrook · 25/11/2014 21:42

I think the transition from full time job where you know what you are doing to 24/7 job where you haven't a clue can be a bit overwhelming.
Plus antenatal classes didn't really tell the truth about everything in 1999. maybe things have improved.

RJnomore · 25/11/2014 21:45

I suspect they haven't sparkles. Except possibly more pressure to do things the "right" way.

I love MN but I am really glad I didn't have it in 1999 I would have been a neurotic mess!

Sparklingbrook · 25/11/2014 21:46

I think that actually RJ much as I love the place I am not sure if I would have been brave enough post birth. Especially in week 6 where I jacked in BF. Shock

RoundRobinSparkles · 25/11/2014 21:46

"Fertility isn't something that I ever considered an ability"

You don't have to be fertile to be a mother or father.

I have friends who adopted their DS. They still think that it's "the best thing that they ever did".

Both of them are extremely hard working and intelligent too.

Original poster
purplebiro · 25/11/2014 21:47

Having gone from "I am NOT spending money on a baby that won't even be able to tell" to "OMG baby Converse" in the space of three months I am prepared to concede some change can happen. ;)

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 25/11/2014 21:49

To be able to grow another human inside me is amazing and I thank nature every day for that.

RJnomore · 25/11/2014 21:51

Hand your membership card in now sparkles Shock

It must be so confusin being a first time new mum these days.

duplodon · 25/11/2014 21:51

I was eaten alive on AIBU for a taat on day 5 postbirth when I had never really been on MN before. I was then accused of being a troll as no one with a five day old would be on Mumsnet. I cried so much my eyes were raw from it, and I actually had an hour or two I could barely stand to look at the baby. It was breastfeeding related. I still see one of the posters about and I have to bow out of any discussion she enters into, five years on. It was some initiation!

Sparklingbrook · 25/11/2014 21:53

Sad duplo.

I think someone about 6 weeks post birth should go into Antenatal classes and tell them all about it.

Tinks42 · 25/11/2014 21:54

Im not sure you need to let mumsnet affect you that much surely?

Original poster
purplebiro · 25/11/2014 21:55

Coyoacan - no, you're quite right - I was reducing the idea of childrearing to conception, and that was my shorthand/lazy argument. Further, my abilities thus far have been in business, and I have exercised them - that doesn't mean that I or anyone else cannot have abilities in childrearing and that in exercising those abilities they are any less a woman or a feminist than me. Apols to you and to anyone else that I offended with that.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 25/11/2014 21:55

Oh now I feel bloody guilty for even thinking that the OP was a Journo.

But come on OP, you started a thread and then disappeared for about 4 pages because you were cooking and eating supper?! There'll be no hope when your baby is here, we'll never see you.

Sparklingbrook · 25/11/2014 21:58

Never, ever start a thread in AIBU then disappear.

Hulababy · 25/11/2014 21:58

fertility isn't something that I ever considered an "ability"

But not something we should take for granted. After 10 years of "secondary infertility" and it taking the best part of 2-3 years to have DD that is something I would never do!

And actually the most important role I will ever have in my life is that of a parent. My professional work life, and eve n my role as a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc, can't match the role of parent in my eyes.

I work hard. I give work a lot of effort, a lot of time. And I value my work and all it entails and I would do an awful lot for every one of the children I work with.

But at the end of the day - it is my own child I would be prepared to give up everything for.

That doesn't take away anything else I do with my life, now, in the future or in the past.

Original poster
purplebiro · 25/11/2014 22:01

Bowlersarm, Sparklingbrook - tonight has been an education, if nothing else!

And I suspect taking ages to cook and eat a dinner is another thing that will go out of the window in six months time so let me have this, please!

OP posts:
OhFrabjousDay · 25/11/2014 22:02

That's awful duplo, and I don't blame you for avoiding the poster. But to give the other side, MN was wonderful when dd1 was 5 days old and I had been pinned to the sofa for 5+ hours, until 2am, while dd1 repeatedly fed and was sick, fed and was sick... DH was asleep upstairs, I couldn't phone anyone, I was starting to panic a bit as I had no idea why it was happening/when it would stop/whether dd was seriously ill. In the middle of the night there were posters on here who reassured me it was normal, and that dd was clearing mucus from her stomach now that my milk had come in properly.

MissHJ · 25/11/2014 22:03

My son is the very best thing I have done. Of course I have a career and aspirations but does that compare to breastfeeding my son for the first time or when he hold his hands out for a cuddle. Having a child is one of the hardest but most rewarding thing you can do for both parents. She meant in a nice way, so stop overthinking it

ocelot41 · 25/11/2014 22:03

It can feel a bit like you are in danger of being swallowed whole when you get pregnant, OP. I felt much the same way. The relentlessness of infanthood was a god almighty shock (although some people love it, I found it an endurance test where I felt like I was losing myself completely). But that bit does pass, and then there is this fabulous little person to love. You start to get other stuff back too so life regains a new balance sort of. But life does just feel ...richer. Harder, but richer. I don't rank the people or the activities that I love in life, and I don't think you need to. It is just about finding out how to balance what (and who) you value