To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

I think the friend probably felt that the whole incident invalidated her and that the OP was just disregarded everything she had told her about the problems she'd been having

What about me being invalidated?

I asked (reasonably and rationally and with very valid reason) for her to take her sons dirty shoes off. She refused and yes she did offer an alternative but I've explained that this wasn't practical.

So it's OK for me (a grown woman), in my own home to have my wishes invalidated as long as friends DS is 'happy'.

I would hate to think of my OH calling our child names, but I think this is borne out of friends partner's frustration. If he see's his own child as spoilt / pandered to then there must be something in it?

Not being allowed to intervene?

Odd thing to say Floggingmolly, why wouldn't he be allowed to intervene?

If he see's his own child as spoilt / pandered to then there must be something in it?

It depends. If everyone else saw the child as fine, then I'd think the OH was an arse. However, since many other people (including the child's mum) see him as problematic, I'd trust that the OH is a good dad who's just really frustrated. I've called our DS awful names from time to time (not to his face obv) but DH is calmer and makes me see the bigger picture.

Starlightbright1 "I am glad she has apologised and hopefully this is the start of things been sorted out."

She hasn't apologised!

Ah it all becomes a lot clearer now , have there been any times in the past where your child has been a fixated nightmare about anything ? I just wonder if a solidarity text along the lines of ' Remeber when x was a total nightmare doing z , take deep breaths and plenty of wine and it will get better ! Here if you need to vent ' might help the situation ?

But you weren't invalidated. Your friend didn't want to mess up your carpets, she wanted to find an alternative. And you dismissed them out of hand and insisted that she just had to do what you wanted to do.

It can be really hard being on the end of a constant round of tantrums and battles of wills. It grinds you down. It sounds like this lady has been trying with her child and nothing is working and she's just had to resort to avoiding things in order to have a bit of peace.

It sounds like nobody is listening to her, she's at the end of her tether and she's just being told that it's all her fault she's a bad parent. It doesn't sound to me like she is a bad parent, just a parent who's having a very hard time and isn't getting support.

The goose poo friend i mentioned earlier had the most beautific baby in the whole world , mine on the other hand was an absolute pigging nightmare , grizzly , would take chunks out of hers given any opportunity . I used to leave her house and cry all the way home . I used to compare the two children all the time and wonder where on earth i had gone wrong . Then she had her second child and that child beat mine hands down

They are all delightful young adults now , and we look back and laugh at some of the hideous times we went through , but when you are in the thick of it , it is very difficult so see any light at the end of the tunnel .

I take it she was having a tough time with her dc , maybe some behaviour issues if its taken her such a long time to dress her ds x

Op, Yanbu at all. The child sounds spoiled and pandered to. I think you have been very patient with your friend. I wouldn't give it any more head space. I think she is going to struggle big time in the future, if she is unable to parent a three year old effectively. I dread to think what he's going to be like in a couple of years!

OP you are completely in the right here. You have been kind, supportive and patient to your friend, who has been incredibly rude. And she does owe you an apology, both for r the welly incident and for her very rude response to your very kind text.

Those who have said they don't subscribe to "my house, my rules", I'm intrigued.

Is it "my house, no rules?"

Or "my house, your rules?"

If the guest sets the rules, what happens when guests disagree?

Or is it , "my house, kindness rules?"

I'm genuinely curious and non-combative here...

I think you're very kind to say you're there for her. She should apologise at least, regardless of whether she's having a hard time.

To be fair celticlass2 i think most of us struggle at some point during our childs life to parent effectively . The OP might have delightful little darlings now , who turn into raging hormonal lying thieving scallywags when they hit 12 . Don't count all your chickens until they've flown the coop

Personally I wouldn't be initiating any more contact until I had an apology. Friends like this are just draining.

I think it's good of her to fill you in - she is obviously very, very sensitive over her little boys behaviour and hopefully she will get some support.

I think she's been to good of a friend for too long to let this be an issue. Yes, she should have removed his wellies but kids drain every last ounce of energy some days.

Of course it is my house my rules. Anybody who does not like it, does not have to visit. It will be op cleaning the mud from the carpet I bet after friends ds, not the friend. If you go into somebodies home, you respect it.

If (& I'm happy to be corrected!) the mum is the only one pandering & the on;y one struggling, then what on earth would be the point of OP joining in & finding solutions to avoid taking the wellies off?

Would he have allowed OP to take wellies off/put them on?

Do we know or didn't the mum stick around long enough to find out?

If not, why not?

She's going on about struggling, but not allowing anyone else to help when they are there & willing.

Just going home instead.

talk about cutting off your nose...

I used to compare the two children all the time and wonder where on earth i had gone wrong

I remember this feeling so well with DC1 . He was a complete and utter nightmare - strong willed, wouldn't do a bloody word he was told, used to have many, many, many massive tantrums every day. I was exhausted looking after him (and DD) - he was referred to child psych twice over the years, I went to every parenting class there was, I was back and forward to the GP with the stress of parenting him....until you've had a child like that you cannot begin to imagine how utterly draining it is. He's 17 now and a complete joy, but that's only really been in the last couple of years.

Despite all that he would still have been told to take off his wellies if he wanted to play. If he didn't take them off we'd have been off home (with me crying all the way) or he would have been made to sit by the front door until he did as he was asked.

YANBU I always respect people's house rules. Doesn't matter if we have been friends for 5 years or 5 mins I'd never be rude to you like that...over something so minor.

Sounds like she is having a bad day. Maybe DC was playing up earlier in the day? Rough night?

Don't bother responding to the text, especially while still peed off. Give it a day or so and see what happens. Really sounds like an off day!

It sounds as though she does this at home, no partners words for their ds wasen't called for, but mabey he had a point.

It's possible to think someone is parenting badly and spoiling their child without that meaning you think you are perfect.

Many of us on this thread think the child should not have been pandered to over the wellies, while also admitting we sometimes struggle with tantrums, have shit days, badly behaved children etc.

I think we are very rude in this country in regard to taking shoes off. In many countries it's just what you do. I have always had cream carpets but because of people's attitudes ( my own family included) I have had to put down much darker than I would like.

Frumpet I have a 14 year old. I know all about hormonal teens
I cannot for the life of me imagine having a battle of wills with a three year old. It just wouldn't arise. I just think that the op's friend sounds like one of those washy washy types who are afraid to ever exert any authority over their children. Recipe for disaster imo..
One of my friends has four children,- the youngest is four. There is no way any of them would behave like this in my house or in anyone else's.That's because my friend would never allow them to.

Celtic - it's not always that clear cut.

Totally agree with SirChenjin. I've also been the parent with the ridiculously stroptastic child while everyone else's was behaving nicely. And I felt like tearing my hair out. But however shit I felt, and however much they tantrummed, thew wellies would have come off. And if they couldn't behave, we'd have left.

And yes that has often meant that we have had to leave – but that's because I'm not of the opinion that everyone around me should have to suffer or defer to me because of my stroppy child.