To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

He sounds awful. Glad you sent a nice one back.

Cross posts. OP I think you sound actually quite a kind and patient friend. I hope she gets to a better place, and you can work things out.

well, let's hope this 'coming to a head' means they communicate better and work as a team to bring up their child to be a happy, well-mannered and secure kid.

on the 'shoes indoors' thing - different circumstances apply, but tramping in a house in muddy shoes is wrecking things for no good reason. AKA vandalism. And in normal life we don't do that.

Oh, good that you might be able to make up after all, Mamma. It would be a shame to have a falling out after so many years of friendship. Maybe it took this to force her DH to make her see sense.

I have a particularly long-standing friend (similar length of time to you), and we've had a couple of squabbles over the years, but we've always made up.

But you're all doing exactly what the OP did. You're saying 'Oh just take the bloody shoes off'. You're minimizing and ignoring what she has said. Just because you can get the shoes off doesn't mean you should ignore the fact that it's going to cause a horrendous battle later on. It's saying to her that she deserves that because she's a bad parent which is just nasty.

I'm very lucky, I have a very easy little boy who is very obedient. One of my closest friends has a little boy of about the same age and he is not easy at all, he has tantrums and meltdowns all the time. But it's not because she's a worse parent, it's because we're parenting little boys who have very different personalities. And I do know things are a lot tougher for her than they are for me and I do try and help. In this situation I would have tried to find some sort of compromise to make a friend's life easier.

I think the friend probably felt that the whole incident invalidated her and that the OP was just disregarded everything she had told her about the problems she'd been having.

You sound like a really caring friend op.
Can't believe she still didn't apologise though!

I feel really sorry for her. She's obviously really struggling and her partner and one of her oldest friends are just standing on the sidelines tut tutting at her and telling her what a terrible parent she is. Some friends.

Well you're a better person than I am, OP.

I'd still be binning her.

She hasn't apologised for anything.

I feel sorry for her.

What has this woman's partner done wrong, the kid sounds like a PITA, just take his bloody shoes off.. Bags over his boots, this stuff is quality..

My daughter has been a bloody mare at times but in someone else's house she is made to respect their property regardless of whether she throws a huge tantrum or not..

But isn't it a possibility that she is a terrible parent? No, it's not kind to say so, it's a very taboo subject and a lot of friendships do end because as people have pointed out it's not on to say "read a parenting book ffs".

But if she has no control and genuinely thinks her child should be allowed to track mud through someone's house rather than her have to face a tantrum, then perhaps there is a problem, and perhaps she could learn to do things better. And yes perhaps she does piss people off. OP has said the OH and CM don't have these problems with the child, only the friend does.

I think there are sympathetic ways of dealing with it, and people can be supportive, but also maybe she needs to change before she loses friends over it.

Mam you don't have to justify yourself. It is your house, and your rules. She decided not to respect them.

Why does her partner sound like an ineffectual wanker though?
It's very hard when 2 parents have very different attitudes to discipline etc., and if one is always giving in and kow-towing to the child, then the other really has their job cut out for them trying to instil any discipline or order! The child is always going to follow the "easy parent" route, rather than the "strict parent" - it's very undermining!

So I think it's unreasonable to call him an ineffectual wanker - unless you say that because you think he should have brought the whole thing to a head before now?

aermingers I totally agree with you, and you sound lovely

Sorry everyone, my layout has somehow changed and I didn't realise there was another 6 pages to this thread!!

Because this child's behaviour is down to both parents. And calling a three year old a 'spoilt shit'. Nice guy.

Don't most small children behave much worse for their parent (especially if that parent looks after them most of the time) than childminders, nursery etc? God, if my dd behaved at school as she can do at home I could never show my face there! The OH sounds unsupportive and blaming her for the ds's bad behaviour. Wonder if he gives her equal credit for anything good that the ds does

But that's a different thing, calling him a "spoilt shit" - yes, very unpleasant - do you honestly not see how hard it is to parent effectively when the other parent is constantly giving in to a child though?

Maybe he is at the end of his rope and stressed out too?

No I don't think that was an OK thing to say but as long he didn't say it to the child, he may be just expressing his annoyance about how the child is allowed to behave.

People on here often refer to small children as "being a little shit" etc. – sometimes in a jokey way, sometimes not. A PP said "Do some of you not have bad moods? Have children that can be little bastards?"

I don't think we have enough to hang draw and quarter the friend's DP on quite yet and I think it's pretty patronising if the friend herself isn't expected to take any responsibility for her parenting.

Nobody is allowed to wear wellies on the carpet in this house. I thought this was normal and sensible.

Sometimes friends have to tell the other person how it is and then the process of helping them can begin and any differences can be sorted out, it's just a flash point and certainly not unforgivable..

I agree that calling the boy a "spoilt shit" is horrible.

If his mum is the only one who can't get him to do as he is told, perhaps there is some element of won't there?

When did it all start that she has struggled with him & seemingly just gives in?

Did her partner start pulling away because of it, or he was pulling away so she just gave in to her son?

Who knows maybe he's an A1 parent, a stand up guy. But the fact the OP's friend sounds like she's at the end of her rope makes me doubt that.

But who knows, all I'm basing this on are some posts on the internet about people I don't know nor will ever meet. It's all subjective.

I have reasons and justifications for everything I have said.

I'm sure you're perfectly reasonable every time you criticise her.

Why is her partner an ineffectual wanker?? He probably has to watch the behaviour displayed towards the op on a daily basis, while not being allowed to intervene.