To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

I just do not get this entitled feeling people have, to think that as a guest, they should be able to behave as if the feelings of their hosts do not matter. You have new carpets, you deserve to have them clean for more than two weeks!
If the poor woman cannot actually put on shoes on a kid (provided she does not have any disability), she should just stay home. Her precious baby can learn to adapt.
YADNBU!

the poster advocating plastic bags and rubber bands over the wellies... as if a stroppy toddler who won't have their boots off is going to stand there placidly and allow this either.

I always try to make guests comfortable but permitting a toddler to stomp round in muddy wellingtons to avoid confrontation with friend is ridiculous. So some believe OP should be scrubbing for hours to remove mud rather than request removal of boots? Lordy.

Me either celticlass2 , but i remember those early days with DS1 and there were weeks where i truly believed i was the worst possible mother ever , and any offer of help other than taking the little monster off my hands was seen as criticism , because i was so worn down by it all that that i couldn't think rationally or see outside the situation . DS1 was of course an absolute joy for his CM and grandparents .

if the poor women cannot actually put on shoes on a kid, she should just stay home. Her precious baby can learn to adapt

Yes absolutely. This is the crux of it.

OP I'm with you all the way on this. Sounds like your friend needed an incident like this to bring things to a head. It's no use being the sort of parent that caves at every tantrum, and expects the rest of the world to cave too - which is what she did. She's doing her whole household, but in particular her son, no favours at all supporting his bratty domineering behaviour.
If she genuinely felt aggrieved by your refusal to pander to it, then she has lost sight of how she and her son really ought to be conducting themselves.
She needs to sort her shit out and find some gumption quick.

Nice of you to be so supportive, but do bear in mind, she insulted you over this, and then after the event continued to berate and insult you via text.

"I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

"Bare with me" is not an apology. I'm sure that will come...but in the meantime don't be too quick to roll over and have your belly rubbed.

I'd definitely let this water run under the bridge with an old friend, but not until she acknowledged that the problem was hers, and that she was rude.

Some parents take the "pick your battles" a little too far, and never take on any battles. They are smug at how easy going their child is, sure it is easy, if mum do as toddler says all the time, rather than the other way around. The moment the child HAS to do something, like get dressed to get to a doctors appointment, and refuses, the problems start and mum/dad does not know what hit them.

Like my friends daughter, she had 4 adults standing around the dining table as she did not want to decide what chair to sit on, and nobody could sit down in case she decided she wanted another one. Little Madam was NOT happy when I sat down.... Little madam grabbed ALL snack bowls and ate from all of them, not once did her parents put her straight. They just cooed at how cute she was, and said "never mind, she can have all the snack, we have wine". Not cute behaviour in a 3 year old.

GoodKingQuintless I know that saying that a child is horrible is not on, but... her parents are not doing her any favor. You cannot really hate a child, but you can sure dislike them.

I'm not sure a child who refuses to have shoes put on and taken off would be keen to have bags tied to his feet either.

OP at least you have some idea what's going on with her now. I still think she's been really rude, and you said she told you she draws the line at apologising to you.

I have to agree with Pictish, I think she will eventually apologise but until that point I think you have every right to remember that you didn't cause this and were not unreasonable or rude in what you asked, yet she was very rude to you and still can't bring herself to apologise to you.

I think most of us know, or have known, or will know a parent or set of parents, whose child completely rules the roost in the absence of any authority from mum and dad.
Quint I know a little girl that would be supported in behaving exactly like that, and they all dance to her tune. She decides where people will sit, even to the point where one of her parents will sit in the back of the car so she can have the front. She is 5 now and certainly not one of my favourite children sadly. Not her fault, I know - but that's the outcome...she's unlikeable.

I'm sure a lot of us have given in to make life easy.

But when is frequent or you're expecting it of others, surely that's when you need to take a look at things?

I struggle at times and are always happy for others to help and support me in parenting my children but that doesn't stop me feeling crap and useless when they could get my child to do something I couldn't or came up with a better way of dealing with things.

Parenting is hard. If you aren't able to support a friend in their bringing up a child when it is needed then maybe it should be an adult only friendship.

pictish I'm sure a lot of us know or have known extremely judgmental people. Especially about parenting.

These types would no doubt have judged the OPs friend either way. If she'd insisted on shoe removal and the child had had a tantrum they would still be criticising.

In my experience you can't win with such people and probably don't want them as you're friend.

Oo she's mad at you for something else. Surely you take off shoes in someone else's house anyway? Especially wellies!

Parenting is hard. If you aren't able to support a friend in their bringing up a child when it is needed then maybe it should be an adult only friendship

I agree and then disagree.
When facing difficulties with parenting and social situations I'd say it's better to make allies of friends and family rather than alienate them.

Supporting the friend doesn't mean acquiescing to an unreasonable child.

What the child has learned in this instance is that his tantrum gained all the attention and that mummy stropped off at her friend who wouldn't let him have his own way
What he needed to learn was that if he calmed down and behaved nicely he'd have had a good time and everyone, including him, would have been much happier. It's not as though he was being asked to do something unknown or outrageous and it's not unfeasible that he knows how to behave if he does so for his DF and the CM.

This doesn't sound like a spoilt, pandered-to brat imo, but a child who is having some difficulties, and obv the mother is too. I totally subscribe to the notion of adults setting rules, but there is sometimes a difference between giving in to avoid a tantrum, and anticipating a hellish situation coming up which you want to avoid. And then possibly asking for some understanding of that from a good friend of 20 years.

Yes, sounds like she needs help with her ds, which she isn't getting. That help might sometimes mean understanding rather than condemning.

She's obviously really struggling and her partner and one of her oldest friends are just standing on the sidelines tut tutting at her and telling her what a terrible parent she is.

But OP isn't doing that, is she, aermingers? All she did was make a perfectly reasonable request that the child's muddy wellies be taken off, and then tried to help with that process, whereupon friend did a flounce. And you are misrepresenting things when you say the friend offered a compromise which OP rejected out of hand. What she offered was wiping the wellies which - as people have pointed out - would not have helped due to the nature of wellies and, in particular, the soles; and suggesting the child be kept in the kitchen, which again would not have been practical as it would not have been secure and because there are items in there which make it unsafe.

The only alternative you suggest is going through the rigmarole of finding plastic bags and tape and taping all that over the wellies. Which assumes, of course, that OP has tough bags and tape to hand, that the bags don't have breathing holes in, that the tape will stick to the damp wellies, that the child who hates putting shoes and boots on will co-operate with all that and won't tear the bags off. Really?

And how can you say that OP is standing on the sidelines when she made two attempts to extend a sympathetic hand and was rejected quite rudely on both occasions?

Why do people think that she isn't getting help?

She has a partner, the child goes to a cm.

maybe she insists on doing it all herself?

do we know that the partner does nothing?

I don't like the sound of either of you, but on reflection, i'll go with her. You stay at home and polish your carpet.

But, bialystock, if the mother anticipated a hellish situation coming up with her child which she wanted to avoid, why go to visit OP in the first place? Or why not arrange to meet somewhere where the problem wouldn't arise?

Ouch! My apologies. That sounds much more serious than it was meant to. Perhaps you and your friend have reached the natural conclusion of your relationship.

ici OP is on the internet discussing the intimate details of her friend's poor parenting and relationship woes.

She has posted private texts and emails sent by the friend!

What more could she do to humiliate and condemn her friend that ask random strangers to join in?

HumblePie, I think there may now be several people who don't like the sound of you after that post.

Well I seem to bash along well with people with no falling out, so I think I'm ok.
Tantrums don't faze me - ds2 was the patron saint.

Glad your friend has been in touch OP. It's not nice what her DH called the child, but he does sound like a spoilt brat!