To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

Asking him to take them off was fine, imo. Sometimes another adult asking does help.

You've got too much going on OP to give this any more headspace and hopefully the heat of it will have gone the next time you see her. Your text was fine btw.

If you really want to respond id just say 'fine, we'll meet our the house next time til he's past that stage. Look forward to seeing you soon xxx'

That way you acknowledge she's finding it difficult but you also reinforce your boundaries that you're not walking on your new carpet in shoes/wellies.

If she then gets arsey then I have to say I think it's her trying to bully you into doing what she wants. And you're not going to let that happen, you're happy with your carpet.decisions

But Middleton, the OP didn't think she was throwing twenty years of friendship away when she asked her friend to remove her son's Welles. It was her friend that stomped off. Surely it was the friend throwing away twenty years worth of friendship, not the OP?

For God's sake. What is wrong with people? She wasn't asking the OP to let her child tramp mud all over the house. She was asking the friend to find a compromise so that she didn't have to go through a battle later on. Personally I would have given the shoes a thorough wipe with the clothe then put plastic bags over them and secured them with tape and elastic bands.

But I would have done something, tried to find some kind of compromise. I would have tried to do something to help my friend anyway.

There is no back story?

Friend and I do things very differently [and admittedly so] when it comes to our kids but it's never caused any issues or arguments before.

We've been friends since before Uni, have been through lots of life changes (marriages, births, deaths) and never had any serious fallings out?

'We'll meet out the house next time' obviously

LaurieFairyCake you're criticizing the OPs friend for trying to bully her into doing what she wants? Haha, that's funny.

Personally I would have given the shoes a thorough wipe with the clothe then put plastic bags over them and secured them with tape and elastic bands.

This is supposed to be less of a rigmarole than removing them?
Ludicrous. We are talking about a SMALL CHILD. The entire premise is bonkers. Take the bloody shoes off them!

No, I'm not

I'm saying if she gets arsey after saying they'll meet out the house til he's past that stage.

Right now we have no idea if she'd try to bully the OP

So you've been through loads of stuff together, she's normally sweet and lovely, you've known each other 20 years and you're not perturbed by this outburst?

If that had me with a friend like yours I would be round at her house finding out what's wrong. Something clearly is.

Yes Rootypig clearly it would be less of a rigmarole. The OPs friend has told her and told her and told her how much trouble she has getting her child dressed. A wipe with a cloth, securing a couple of plastic bags wouldn't take more than a couple of minutes. And it would have saved her friend a lot of hassle down the line. I would do that to save a friend hassle later on.

Agree that there was nothing wrong in OP asking the child herself, especially when pal admits that he often reacts better to other people doing things with him than with her.

Friend has been throwing a lot of crap at OP who has a pretty stressful time herself. Surely friend should have been much more considerate and not throw her toys out of the pram? She might be stressed by her toddler but OPs just moved house, has two kids, is pregnant with SPD etc, so friend could have been reasonable and just taken the boots off and dealt with it in a matter of fact "this is what is happening" way rather than adding to OPs stress levels.

Personally I would have given the shoes a thorough wipe with the clothe then put plastic bags over them and secured them with tape and elastic bands

Say whaaat? No way would I muck about doing all that. He is a child, he can learn to take his bloody wellies off.

Securing wellies with plastic bags because a 3 year old refuses to take them off? Sod that!

It's not plastic bags that are called for, it's the words "if you don't take them off now I will take you home".

I'd hate muddy wellies tramped through my house too, and yanbu for asking her to take them off.

And she has overreacted, but so have you IMO.

So much smugness and snide comments on this thread about her "inadequate parenting" etc. Vile.

You know she has a struggle with her ds, for whatever reason. She offered a compromise which you refused. She is obviously having a hard time, but this has become a matter of principle for you rather than being understanding and for once just letting something go.

My ds was umanagable in lots of ways when he was 2/3. He has been dx with autism now, but wasn't at that point. And he also "passed" his 2y check. I spent two years desperate and struggling to "make" him conform, and probably looked like a shit parent whose "little darling" was ruling the roost. Once I was at someone's house, one of her house rules was only eating at the table. Fair enough, her house, her rules. Ds had a peach. She watched me spending 10 minutes pleading, cajoling, forcing him to sit down, me getting more and more stressed etc. it might have been more understanding of her to think that on this one occasion perhaps it would have been more understanding to relax about it as she knew I was struggling generally (think everyone suspected SN at that point in any case) and could see before her eyes what was happening. Instead I was made to look like a crap parent, he was seen as a spoilt little devil, and the judging was unbelievable, when a bit of leniency for once would've helped me immeasurably.

Not saying her ds has autism, obviously, and am not saying you should hace just let him walk around in the wellies, but you already know he's evidently much harder work than your dc, she's a good friend of 20 years, and can't think why you'd refused to let him stay in the kitchen as she suggested. Why make her life harder?

OK I have just received an email and it explains a lot.

Yesterday when she left our place she called her partner to tell him what had happened, expecting him to back her up and he basically sided with me and told her that he is sick of her pandering to their son and that he is a spoilt shit (he called his own child a spoilt shit)

They ended up in a big argument that carried on the whole day and her partner had used "carpet-gate" to highlight a lot of what he thinks she does wrong (letting child get his own way, not being strict enough, etc..)

Friend drew the line at apologising but did say that this had been brewing for a long time between her and her partner, and that they are now in frank discussion about lots of aspects about their relationship.

She asked me to bare with her.

Have replied and said I am there as and when she needs me

So thanks guys

X

Wellies are designed to be easily off and on-able. If a parent cannot remove them and slip them back on I think they seriously need some parenting help.

See - I am right. She needs some help to work out how to manage her child.

Her partner sounds like an ineffectual wanker. Honestly, what a cock.

Glad she's given you some clarity on the situation.

It's not plastic bags that are called for, it's the words "if you don't take them off now I will take you home"

Precisely!!

Colour of the carpet is entirely irrelevant - it is a new carpet, new home. Not open for discussion, really! No floor covering should be subject to muddy wellies just because a very small child refuses (? ) to remove them.

OP's house, new carpet, dirty wellies, her rules = TAKE THEM OFF.
(Even if it is an old, icky carpet - dirty wellies still means TAKE THEM OFF).

Shockingly selfish behaviour from the friend. I would not be contacting her again after that email. Unbelievable.

She's compleatly out of order!

I'll bet you get an apology a few months down the line, op. She knows really, it's just too much to say right now. The fact that she's explained it to you goes a long way towards establishing the point actually.

You sound like a perfectly normal and decent friend to me.

You did say there was more to this than the wellies.

I am glad she has apologised and hopefully this is the start of things been sorted out.

That is demonstrably bonkers. If my child really were on the verge of an epic, hideous, nuclear meltdown over their wellies - not inconceivable - I would look imploringly at friend and ask her to chuck her coat on for a walk with us instead. Or go round the block with screaming demon and try again. Probably I would wrest wellies off child and beg for wine. Something. But I wouldn't flounce off my pal's doorstep after giving her a faceful about how this was all her fault!