To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

Carpets are vile, unhygenic and minging. But cream ones? YABU. The pair of you sound as bad as each other.

Don't send vikingbikers text it is very condescending especially given the situation unless, of course, you want to use it as a fuck off. Then it works.

Don't send anything just leave her to it.

Just seen your last post.

You were yet another person hammering home the point (unintentionally!) that her DS should not be the boss of her and she just broke. She wants him to respect her like he respects other people and he doesn't; this makes her feel hurt and, to cover the hurt, angry.

The thing is, she can be angry at you without too much fallout, unlike with her DH or CM. You must NOT apologise anymore or she'll keep focusing on her bruised feelings rather than actually accepting and acting on the problem.

I feel sorry for her but YOU have to take care of yourself too. Otherwise she'll make herself feel better for being ostensibly bullied by her son (not that he means to, presumably) by (subconsciously, I hope) pushing you around. That is not fair on you and you must not accept it, however sorry you feel for her. Be gentle but not unflinching.

I'd ignore her too. She's rude. The rule in your house is no dirty shoes on the carpet. That is not an unreasonable rule. Even if it was - you get to set the rules and it is up to other people to decide if they want to come in (in which case they have to follow them).

The ball is definitely in your 'friend's' court. She sounds like a cow tbh; you gave her plenty of time to apologise for the initial rudeness, but to come back with a snidey message like that makes her seem like a bit of a nasty piece of work IMO. She may well have problems getting her son dressed and undressed but like most other parents she will have to suck it up and deal with it -it's what kids do. It's pathetic to expect you to allow her son to make a mess just because she doesn't want to face dealing with it. It's a shame but some friendships peter out after a while and can't really be repaired.
She needs to apologise to you - I wouldn't be holding my breath though.

You have tried and she is continuing to be a bitch. I would leave her to get on with it tbh.

carlsonrichards
why do you always post like an arse?

Carpets are vile, unhygenic and minging.

LOL

Wierdo

OP your friend was clearly struggling that day. We've all been there.

She asked twice for you to be kind. Twice you refused.

She knows she's in the wrong. She knows she's made a massive rod for her back with DS. And she knows that in making that rod, she's also scuppered her chances of having another DC because she's pushed her DH away in the process.

She knows all this and is deflecting her anger onto you. The wellies thing is a convenient hook to hang it all on. And if you keep apologising and attempting to smooth things over, you're not giving her any opportunity to reflect on how ludicrous her reaction was.

It's sad for her, but to throw your friendship under a bus over it all is a stupid move on her part.

Just leave it now.

I'm not saying that the 3 year old/friend were right... but if I ever had a text or parenting book comments like vikingbiker has so kindly offered... I wouldn't be very happy.

Years ago when I was 18/19 and I had a good friend who'd had 2 DC I made a passing fleeting comment about parenting books (yes she found it hard and she didn't have a good role model in her own DM). I quite rightly got my head bitten off.

I would not dare to mention or give unsolicited parenting advice. but that's me.

Exactly WordFactory. She didn't just refuse to be kind though, she actively tried to provoke a situation she knew was going to cause her friend problems.

Incidentally I think starting a thread on here which would be completely identifiable to her, giving her a good kicking and criticizing her parenting and being unpleasant about her son are not the actions of a kind or supportive friend.

I think the OP is behaving horribly towards her friend. I'm shocked people are telling her she is being 'kind' when she's being nothing of the sort.

She didn't ask her friend to be kind, she asked her friend to let her toddler walk around in her house with his dirty wellies on. Don't guilt trip the op. Have you seen her updates and the texts she's had from her friend?

YANBU.

Not in any way at all.

Her friend didn't want the child to walk around the house in his dirty wellies though did she? She wanted to compromise and wipe his wellies or keep him in the kitchen and the OP refused to compromise and insisted that he must take his wellies off even though she knew it was going to cause big problems for her friend later on.

From the friend's point of view all this would have said to her was 'I don't care about you, I don't care if I ruin the rest of your day, I won't compromise to save you having to go through a traumatic and upsetting battle to get the shoes back on, you are going to do what I want you to do and sod you if it causes you problems'.

Carlsonrichards the OP is contractually obligated to have her place carpeted so your (slightly weird) views on carpets are null and void I am afraid.

I suppose a quick fix would have been to pop each booted leg into a carrier bag and tuck it in around the top of the boot.

If you know your friend has trouble getting her son dressed/undressed, wouldn't you make some kind of concession? Your friend came up with suggestions, ie. keeping him in the kitchen (presumably not carpeted).

Just seems a shame to drop such a long friendship over something so very easily avoidable. I'd probably not visit you either, sorry OP.

I think there is a lot more backstory than we are being told.

OP yanbu. Your friend was being ridiculous.

Leave her stew, balls in her court.

Yes if being supportive meant having my house covered in mud I'd think fuck that.

It's not like someone unexpectedly went into labour or ran into your house after being attacked. Then, yes, it would be remarkably uptight to fuss about your carpets.

To ask for a 3yo's muddy wellies to be taken off is fine and you shouldn't even have to ask, it should be totally routine.

She asked for you to give in to her not wanting to take them off. I suppose one compromise might be to say "Well OK if he has to keep the wellies on, let's pop down to the local cafe" (if there is one). But letting your house get trashed - no. At some point she has to realise that her child is not going to get those kind of breaks in life from anyone else.

Your friend is making it clear that things have to be on her terms or not at all. Or on her sons terms. What you want doesn't come into the equation. You've tried your best but she is trying to dominate your friendship. I'd let it go. Maybe she will apologise for being an arse but probably she won't. It's up to you to decide what you get out of this friendship and whether it has run it's course.

So, she struggles dressing her kid and knows she is going round to a house with brand new cream carpets. It is also raining. Why on earth didn't she stick the kid in the buggy and put normal shoes on that could be taken on and off more easily rather than stick on wellies she knows are going to cause an issue? She's a parent and there are going to be loads of times when her DS needs to do something, even when he doesn't want tom like brushing his teeth, holding hands when crossing the road etc. or taking of wellies when indoors.

Why should anyone be forced to allow a three year old with mucky wellies walk on brand new carpets just because his DM won't even broach the subject of taking them off? This strife has been caused by your friend.

Do some of you not have bad moods? Have children that can be little bastards? Reach the end of your tether?

You'd throw a friendship of 20 years away over a cream sodding carpet?

There's a back story here and for some reason we aren't being told it.

Friend doesn't use MN, she thinks its for women with too much "time and bitchiness" on their hands.

Even if she did, maybe seeing my point of view might help her understand.

I have reasons and justifications for everything I have said.

I have already explained that boots were filthy and needed more than a wipe and that kitchen isn't yet child friendly (lots being stored in there at the moment - wood / drills / paint etc..)

I think there is a lot more backstory than we are being told

Like what?

There's a back story here and for some reason we aren't being told it

Again I ask like what?