To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

Not in the slightest, squoosh I'm just not sure what the op is meant to do now.

Why does it matter if the OP told her friend the cost of the carpets?

Whether she did or didn't tell her the cost, anyone who has ever bought a carpet knows they are expensive.

He reply is pretty clear and I think the best thing now is to leave her be to come around in her own time.

Have you replied to her latest texts OP?

All the OP can do now is leave it and see if the friend comes back to her when she's cooled down a bit. Maybe the friendship is over, maybe the friend needs time to gain a bit of perspective.

Yes, reminds me of a relative who came and said quite stridently, "Hubert will only eat if he can walk around." Well, fine, but my mother presumed that meant in the kitchen with us. No, Hubert had to be allowed to wander the house, smearing food in his wake and squishing food into the carpets. Hubert had no additional needs, I hasten to add. Hubert is now the CEO of an international company. I guess it was good early training in getting his own way.

I haven't replied no, I don't trust myself to do so.

Add to the mix I have a lot of my own shit going on as well (just moved, self employed partner out of work until at least the new year as a project has fallen through, 32 weeks pregnant, in incredible pain with SPD, I'm still at work FT for another 6 weeks) I just don't have the capacity to deal with someone else's hissy fit.

I don't think you were wrong at all, OP, I would probably have done the same, but in that situation, the thought that you might be able to take control of things, and get her son to do your bidding, would have been really threatening to her, and I doubt she even realised it.

An mama 222 it s sad to see a friendship end because of this. However I would totally agree with taking shoes off on going indoors and I wouldn't ever let my kids trapise muddy or wet shoes along anyone's floor.
I think your friend needs a reality check though. It s really not on to make you a scape goat for what's wrong in her life. She has pointedly remarked about your parenting twice now.
I think I would compose a firm response letting her know this is not on. Focus on her treatment of you though rater than her parenting choices or defending yours. Point out how is a bit rude and what your considerations were and clearly state you value her and your friendship but you won't be treated as a scape goat for other stressors. Tell her she s welcome to visit or get in touch when she can treat you nicely.

YANBU - everyone would take dirty wellies off in a house, cream carpet or not. It is not like he has dry shoes on and has come directly from a car.

I'd have done the same tbh. I'm a bit no-nonsense I confess but I'd have just got down on his level and said "Come on, mucky wellies off in the house, then we can go and play" and taken them off. And I would fully expect my friends to do that with my DC too and I wouldn't mind at all.

This may boil down to that huge parenting gulf between parents who think parents are in charge, and parents who think kids are in charge. I realise it's not as black and white as that and we all have stressful days where our kids run rings around us, but with something like this in my view, the child does not get a choice, they take their wellies off.

DP and I have had longstanding friends who we now no longer see since they had DC for exactly this kind of reason. Because when parents simply refuse to say no or tell their kid's what's happening, and let the kids decide every little detail, it makes life a misery (including for the kids themselves IMO).

Conversely, our ex-friends probably think we are monsters because we dare to say no to our DC and tell them what to do sometimes. But you know, in this situation, if wellies off was non-negotiable, you would have had a nice happy time.

YANBU to want visitors to remove shoes/boots, especially with new carpets and it being a wet day.

I do think though that your friend is struggling with her son and her not wanting to take off his boots, was her trying to avoid a tantrum situation.

The child is only 3 and I see you have said there are no concerns with his behavior, but much of what you have said about him rings bells. Someone else mentioned sensory processing issues. Issues with getting dressed, being wet, tantrum in a restaurant etc are all things I have encountered due to having an autistic child...also others implying it is all down to shit parenting.

I feel for your friend.

Don't reply again. You've tried, it hasn't made things any better.

Let her come back to you when she's ready. You may stay friends or you may not. If not then just let her go.

I agree, squoosh

Friends son is most definitely the boss of her, always has been and I sense a lot of resentment as her OH and CM do not have this problem with the boy.

Same as I don't have that issue with my DS. Don't get me wrong, I give in a lot and do a lot for an easy life BUT there are things I don't compromise on.... I do think friend has issues with this.

The fact that the 3yo is difficult, even if he possibly has special needs, isn't the issue. Friend should not be blamed for having a difficult child or for finding that stressful. But even having special needs does not mean a child should be allowed to spread mud all over someone else's house.

For crying out loud WHO thinks that wet muddy wellies tramping all over carpets (whatever their colour or age) is acceptable?! My carpets are ancient and marked all over but never in a million years would someone be allowed on them in muddy boots.

She is being utterly ridiculous. Your friend is obviously struggling with various things (difficult child, problems in relationship) but it is unfair of her to take it out on you. She has been spectacularly rude and I would examine how much you value you place on this friendship. If you think it is worthwhile then let her cool down and perhaps extend an olive branch in a few weeks.

However, if it was me, I would tell he to bog off. No reasonable person on this earth would think it's ok to tramp mud into carpets and it is not your fault that where you live specifies that the entire place must be carpeted (and does not allow for a wet coat/shoes area). It's also not your fault she is so bloody inadequate in her parenting that she can't persuade her little darling to remove his wellies. FFS

"just because you can force your child to do things doesn't mean I can so the same with R"

It's about this. I'll bet she is really upset that your child seems to be more manageable than hers and so she's unleashing that anger on you when you seem to employ your (in her mind, possibly superior) parenting skills.

I don't think you were BU at all. Leave her to it, you've tried to be kind and she's not in a good place to accept that.

They were wellies.

Wellies

They should be taken off regardless.
Why on earth do you think boot rooms were invented? :D

YANBU.

YANBU, I'd expect wet wellies off to. She has been very rude.

'Hi x. I really do get that it's hard going doing basic tasks. We endlessly throw ourselves into cajoling, encouraging, bribing, turning things into a game or getting excited about the next activity! There are basic rules everywhere and our little ones sometimes do need help to conform sometimes'

Think she needs to start reading parenting books. Some kids are more difficult but life can be smooth with advice

I would just ignore her now op. She is very unreasonable and taking out her frustration. Lashing out at those who support will get her no where and she needs time to realise that herself. She is struggling but that shouldn't mean everyone bends over backwards to do what her dc wants it means she needs support. Support doesn't mean giving in to him all the time and she needs to see that.

You were very reasonable to say shoes off on carpets especially in rented accommodation. You were very unreasonable to be passive aggressive in talking to her son over her head though that would piss anyone off. You were measured in your reply and she is still being unreasonable. You need to leave her to it.

FriendlyLadybird Mon 24-Nov-14 10:29:09
The only thing I'd observe is that she did offer to wipe the wellies -- thus showing respect for your carpets. I can't see that wearing clean shoes is a problem, if they're flat, as wellies are.

What wellies do you buy? All children's wellies that we have in this house have ridged soles, never flat! No amount of wiping is going to get those clean, they need to be washed, and often cleaned with a brush too. (I have to do this with them to get them back into Australia, I know of what I speak). Far too long-winded when slipping them off would take seconds, and the OP could have helped get them back on again?

I'd be really upset if I were you OP. It's a real injustice to be so attacked for asking someone nicely to remove wellies, even if you didn't have new carpets i would say you were not unreasonable.

To then be got at for having obedient children seems a bit much.

Good luck to your friend if she thinks teaching her son that what he wants trumps anyone or anything else is going to help him. GREAT life skills there!!!

Maybe the friendship has run its course but I bet, once she is less stressed, and has grown up a bit (TBH) she will hopefully be able to laugh at her massive overreaction. Sounds like you are getting the brunt of her parenting insecurities :(

I don't think you were U in te slightest.

New carpets or not, shoes off isn't unreasonable. If you friend really didn't want to take his wellies off she could have explained why and not been so strange about all the 'unregulated fun' stuff.

It's also not U to have cream carpets. I assumed you don't have them in the kitchen/dining area and it's quite sensible to have a 'kitchen only' rule for eating. Same with painting or other messy stuff.

What is it with carpet and shoe off hatred? People on MN won't use a loo brush to clean a loo cos of poo fears but are totaly happy for actual poo to be walked through their house where their children are playing. Mental.

Ahh, your pregnant and her DP won't have anymore. Sounds like she is jealous.

BTW, I don't blame you. No way would I let my own DC do that, let alone anyone else's