To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

Well OP based on her messages to you you either have to decide to deal with her lack of parenting skills etc or just see her out of the house... that is if he won't take shoes off etc. or end the friendship.

Her parenting skills or lack thereof are obviously a really sore point with her so I'd just step way back from that one and not proffer any more advice or understanding as I don't think (it seems from that message) as if she'd appreciate it.

sounds like she has dropped you first
at least you tried to redeem the situation

I would leave her to stew in her own juices now.

She's had several opportunities to discuss things with you calmly and she can't. She is full of resentment and you are bearing the brunt of it. I'd leave her alone for a few weeks.

san it seems as if the friend here though wants to come round regardless and expects OP to know/understand about her DS being difficult I didn't see it as the friend dropping OP.

The only thing I'd observe is that she did offer to wipe the wellies -- thus showing respect for your carpets. I can't see that wearing clean shoes is a problem, if they're flat, as wellies are.

The problem was that you've got new carpets and they had wet boots. Your proposed 'solution' to the problem was that they should both take off their boots. Your friend's solution was that she should take off her own boots but dry those of her child so that he could walk on the carpets without dirtying them. You insisted that it was your way or the highway. So she chose the highway.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other? I don't think it should be worth falling out over.

Well your message was kind and open, and there's not a lot more you can do. she is very angry and determined to take it out on you.

Not being able to get your toddler out of their shoes is just a daft position to be in to be honest, no wonder she feels out of control.

I agree, at least you tried. Honestly, I have a very difficult child. Three ikea last week I had to carry her out of the house screaming and crying because she didn't want to go out. Then I had to drag her back indoors again, screaming and crying, because she didn't want to come home. It's a daily battle to achieve anything and it's really exhausting. And yes, she's an angel for other people.

The solution is not to let her rule the roost, because given the chance she bloody would.

Sadly OP, I think you're going to have to step back. Your friend is so in the wrong on so many counts, but she isn't going to relent or get reasonable. Again, at least you tried.

I don't think the problem is the carpet at all. It's the fact that the OP tried to make him take his shoes off when his mother had explicitly said that she didn't want him to. The problem wasn't the fact the little boy wouldn't be able to take the shoes off, it was the fact that it would be really hard for her to get them back on again.

The OP went over her head and ignored the fact that she didn't want him to take his shoes off. She didn't care if her friend was going to struggle to get him dressed again. If you tell your friend you don't want your child to take your shoes off then you tell their child to do the exact opposite they're going to be pissed off.

The friend was being reasonable because she offered to compromise by keeping him in the kitchen but the OP was completely unreasonable not taking her up on that offer.

I can totally understand where her friend is coming from. The OP knew she was going to cause her a load of grief if he took his shoes off but encouaraged him to do it anyway. Not the actions of a good friend.

Three ikea? FFS, that was supposed to say THREE TIMES.

Oh fuck her! And her brat of her kid. Leave her to it. You've tried, you can't do anymore.

Well what she's said there, reading between the lines, is the exact opposite of 'it was just about the wellies.'

It was about how she feels you don't listen to her (how many times have I told you....) and how it's a daily struggle for her. She also seems to be saying you force your children to do things (presumably things like getting dressed and sleeping in their own beds.) 'Force' is not a nice word. Most things with children are achieved with a mixture of praise, reward, distraction, bribery and cajoling, long before 'force' comes into play. But if her ds is that difficult, the first few maybe aren't even worth trying so she goes straight for 'force.' I also note that you have 2 children yet she refers to 'child' in the singular.

Does she think if he doesn't want to do something, it's OK, he doesn't have to? Or just that because he'll kick up a stink it's too much hard work for her, therefore it's OK not to 'force' him?

Also, she wasn't just there to admire the carpets, was she? Which is what she said in her text - is she jealous, a little bit, of your new home? Does she think you're overly precious? (I don't think you are fwiw)

I reread your OP - what was the little boy's reaction to being asked to take his boots off, did he start to object?

I think it's about wayyyyyy more than the wellies. Because throwing a strop and marching out of someone's house because they've nicely asked you to remove your dirty wellies whilst inside, well that's fucking nuts by anyone's standards isn't it?

I still think she is BU. But I also think she is struggling. And not just with wellies.

But you've sent that text and there's little more you can do right now.

I have flicked through thread and moved from thinking your friend was outrageously rude to wondering if her child has maybe sensory processing difficulties. The bathing, the dressing... it's not normal for it to be so difficult.

Not to suggest it excuses her rudeness but your updates shed light on her parenting struggles which I could understand leave her feel defensive and lonely.

Might be worth googling sensory processing to see if it resonates.. If you feel inclined to stay in touch!

She sounds very high maintenance herself! I am always more than a little about the parents I know who complain about their poorly behaved NT children - as though that behaviour has come out of nowhere.

Her assertion that you "force" your child to do things is very telling. I'm sure you have probably just done what any reasonable parent would do and that is teach your child to understand that there are rules about certain things and Mummy's way is the way it is going to go.

I still don't really understand her viewpoint. If she isn't going to force her son to take his wellies off just to visit OP, why go at all? Surely she must have realised that it wasn't polite expecting her son to be allowed to walk mud through the house?

The reality is that her ds is just going to have to realise that sometimes he has to take his shoes off or put them on when he doesn't want to, and she isn't really doing him any favours allowing him to get away with that - he's liable to have a nasty shock with nursery and school otherwise. And it would probably help her relationship with her partner if she's tougher with him about these issues. However, the problem for OP is that telling her so is almost certainly going to get her back up even more. I suspect she needs to be left to work things out for herself unless she initiates the next approach to OP.

Are you actually joking aermingers?

'Oh fuck her! And her brat of her kid.'

Get a grip, has the OP's friend and her child offended you personally?

Good analysis Batteries

Look ultimately, she is trying to justify a pretty intolerable situation to herself. Implicit criticism of the OP's parenting ("force"). And felt totally threatened by OP's intervention to get the boots off. Partly in case OP could do it when she can't. Partly because she's so miserable, she needs everyone else to feel it too. (I don't say this meanly, I've been there myself lately.)

Can't be easy for the toddler. The only thing worse than not getting their way, is getting it all the time.

tell her to fuck off and don't come back. cream carpets aren't the issue really, I wouldn't let anyone wear wellies in my house no matter what doesn't matter if its only a child who has them on.

Implicit criticism of the OP's parenting ("force") to make her feel better about her own, that should have been

I agree with ItsNow, fuck her. You've tried. She's a twat. You're well rid.

Your text was nice and could have prompted things to move forward.

However she is taking her frustration with her child out on you. That little boy is going to have to follow many rules over the next year or two and he is going to have a huge shock if there is no expectation for him to tow the line with simple basic rules now.

I have a child that can be a little awkward about such things. We work our way round it with games, rewards, encouragement and concentrating on the next exciting thing

Just to play devil's advocate here, and based on her last text...

Do you think she is upset because she HAS confided in you and HAS admitted how much she struggles and felt hurt that you didn't take any of this into account when you (perfectly reasonably under any normal circumstances) said "just take his wellies off"??

I agree that this was not an unreasonable request AT ALL, but to her, if she is really struggling and exhausted and undermined by all the battling, this might have felt like a huge ask and it came from someone who is aware that this is more than a simple request in her world?

I am afraid I have skim read the thread, so you may have said this, but out of interest , did your friend even attempt to ask him to remove his boots before she flipped out? Even once? Or did she just assume it was going to be a nightmare?

Hmm I can sort of see both sides but basically, whether you are a shoes on or shoes off person, muddy wellies is a different thing altogether! I would never allow my child to keep muddy wellies on when going into someone's house, whatever the flooring. That's bananas. The fact that it's hard to get him dressed is a PITA yes, but we're not talking about getting him dressed, it's just the wellies. If you can't get the wellies back on, take him out in his socks, and carry him if you're nice, or he can walk in his socks until he realises what wellies are for and changes his mind, which he probably will.

I say this as the parent of an incredibly stroppy 4yo myself and we have lots of battles over getting dressed, and yes it can wear you down. But you owe it to your child to teach them the basic rules of how to behave and muddy wellies come off when you come in the door is one of them IMO.

I also get very annoyed by parents who let small children dictate proceedings. I can acknowledge that some children are difficult and that includes mine, but it is basically very rude to say "my 3yo's wish to wear muddy wellies, and my wish not to have to take them off and put them on, trumps your home and property". Really rude.

I think it does sound as if friend is having a hard time and is stressed, is jealous, and hearing you fussing over your carpets pushed her over the edge. But that doesn't mean you are in the wrong OP.

The reason I tried to cajole him into taking his boots off is I honestly didn't (and still don't) see it as an unreasonable request. I just thought another adult asking might make it easier - based on the fact he tends to behave better for other adults?

It was a very wet day, the wellies were dirty [I'd have needed to run them under a tap not wipe them with a cloth] and the fact is I wanted them to remove their shoes to protect my very new carpet. It's not a few months old, it is not even a few weeks old

Yes she could have carried him to the kitchen but what was I meant to do, lock him in there? (no baby gate). Also the kitchen is a bit of a dumping ground and not particularly child friendly at the moment.

I know she struggles to get him dressed but I have to admit I do not fully understand why? Nor do I think it's a valid reason to expect me to let him tramp about my house in dirty shoes.