To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

The colour of the carpet is almost irrelevant. To trample mud through someone else's house is plain bloody rude. People really do let children dictate their lives

Me and my friend were recently out with our children with autism at the park. DS then begged to go back to hers, but he was covered in mud and she had beautiful carpets, I said no, she said yes, so in he went, in just his underpants.

She insisted that it didn't matter and that her carpets had probably been weed on/ food all over it/ god knows what else with a child with autism and a toddler and said she had a carpets cleaner.

I didn't see why she should have to clean her carpets when whipping DSs trousers and shoes off would stop the need for cleaning. All children were happy running around in their underwear and we left leaving no mess at all. Why is it so hard to be polite?

At my house it doesn't matter downstairs because I have laminate throughout, but no one lets their children run up my stairs with their shoes on. I've never even had to ask.

I don't know anyone who has a shoes on policy actually

If I was a shoes off person visiting a shoes on person, I'd definitely abide by the house rules

I think the friend overreacted and was very rude

I despair at this thread.

They've been friends for 20 YEARS she's normally sweet and lovely. Her DS is known for being hard work.

She sounds like the cream carpet was just the straw that broke the camels back and like she'd had a bastard of a day.

It also says to me that she'd had enough of the OP and thought " fuck it I'm off "

She's normally lovely and sweet. That says a lot.

I don't think anyone has suggested that they never darken one another's doorstep as long as they both shall live, have they?
It'll all blow over.

Well, apart from the OP in her thread title, pictish...

I think it's fair to say she was impassioned and upset when she wrote it.
It's a vent, not a contract. It'll sort itself out - bet you a fiver.

YANBU to be taken aback at her response and also a bit hurt, but YWBU to do as suggested in the thread title op. I think that, as others have said, there is more going on in her life and that it's spilling over. Maybe give it a few days for you both to cool off and then re-attempt contact.

I think it'll sort itself out too. The friend will realise she's been a div expecting op to not mind her new carpet getting mudded to fuck cos she couldn't be arsed taking her childs wellies off and op will get to wind her up about it.

We are a very definite shoes on house here. Solidly working class too ;)

Wet and muddy shoes are the exception. And we have laminate downstairs.

I cant beleive the amount of people saying the poster is BU , I hav 4 kids and beautifull cream carpets, they hav been down 2 years and still pristine because shoes r not worn in my house.
if u really think about the crap you may walk in outside the house why on earth would u want to tread that indoors, ewww, whether uv got cream carpet or rite crappy ones.
Op ur friends bu

she does sound a bit ratty but ...
why on earth get 'cream carpets' anyway?
and then let everyone know how much they cost?
could that be more what it is about?

Why shouldn't she get whatever coloured carpets she wants?

well of course it is up to her!
but "she also knows how much it bloody cost" sounds a bit naff to me - just how many times was the friend told how much it bloody cost?
I was brought up to consider that kind of conversation as really rude.

YANBU to be annoyed but telling her to FO is a bit extreme. Sounds like she was having a tough day.

Fwiw we are a strictly shoes off household. (DH has diagnosed OCD). I have a naice basket of soft cotton slippers by the door for visitors which are boil washed by DH after use Our friends call him Hyacinth too so I had to laugh at that bit. It's never an issue either with friends or their kids.

Re. the "cream carpets" - it's da fashion, innit to have mostly some shade of neutral, from greyish beiges through to the lightest string. (Loathsome from my POV but anyway). There are a LOT of them around. When I went carpet shopping last year for DS's new room, we had trouble finding a shop that still stocked coloured carpets! And in the end, the colour and style I wanted, was a heavy duty office-style carpet because otherwise I was looking at some shade of porridge, burnt to raw, but still porridge.

I thought it was good manners to ask if shoes needed removing before entering the main part of the house... It's shows respect..
In our house it's shoes off/ muddy clothes off policy, we don't want to live in a pig sty..
And it's not hard to take toddler/kids boots off..

I think you were both BU.

But to ruin/end a 20 year old friendship over this? It either says you're not that close in the first place or can't talk calmly about this after the event.

If both she and you apologised then I'd say you're quits.

frank so anyone who doesn't ask if shoes need removing before entering the main part of the house aren't showing respect?

I suppose my friends/family must lack an awful lot of respect for each other then mustn't we?!

to be honest - whenever I've been to other peoples' houses I always wait for them to say whether eg we need to take shoes off due to laminate/wood flooring or carpets. Otherwise it's just feet first quite literally!

Wow, didn't expect to see so many replies.

Thanks for taking the time to respond and just to clarify a few points.

There are no concerns about her son's behaviour, his 2.5 year check was fine and he thrives are his CM and will be joining nursery in January. He is by my friends own admission "difficult for his Mum" - as kids are, I know my DS plays up for me a lot more than he does anyone else.

As I say my friend does have a very different parenting style to me and has confided in me several times over the years about issues (as I have confided in her), she has said things to me in the past as to how she feels like a slave to her son / how he is so demanding of her but not of anyone else / how she feels everyone else's children are so much more amenable. She has even asked me before "how do you get J to sleep in his cot-bed" and we've discussed the cleanliness issues as she was horrified that her CM bought it up

So we have frank and honest discussions re: parenting, without judgement or arguments.

I know that her partner is struggling with things at the moment [he feels left out - they all still co-sleep he ends up on sofa a lot of the time to get a decent nights sleep] and I know my friend is gutted as her partner doesn't want another child mainly because of how pushed out he has been.

I do know there is a lot going on with her but I feel as though I am taking the brunt of it.

I messaged her last night and on the advice of people here, I toned it all down. I said "sorry this has all got out of hand, it's obviously not just about the wellies, so please let me know what is up. I'm here."

This morning got a message back and it said "how many times have I told you R hates getting dressed, it's a struggle for me every day to get him ready and get his shoes on. He didn't want to tae his shoes off and I am not going to force him to do so just so we can pop in and see your new carpets. So yes it was just about the wellies"

Then another message saying "just because you can force your child to do things doesn't mean I can so the same with R"

Urm OK then!

Well, there you have it.

Don't think you can do more, really.

Well what more can you do op? You tried to sort it, she was rude again. Let her stew in her own juice.

To those who are fixated on the cream carpets, I suggest that you take this out of the equation.

Lets just use the term "new carpets" instead?

It's a top floor maisonette and part of tenancy agreement is it had to be fully carpeted [due to neighbour below] and the reason I feel the need to mention the expense is because they cost a lot / are brand new and I do not want them ruined because someone won't take her kids mucky boots off.

how many times did you tell her how much they cost?

Just leave it until she contacts you when she has calmed down, as she says she will in your OP.

Then if it's still a big issue, you'll have your answer about whether the friendship will continue or not.