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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

999 replies

Mammanat222 · 23/11/2014 17:34

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 23/11/2014 20:20

I'm curious, OP. Have you ever interviened in her parenting before? Clearly you don't think much of it - do you regularly try to go over her head?

carlywurly · 23/11/2014 20:27

I had one dc with asd and one who was just plain stroppy. I get the leaving the restaurant thing, but can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't have apologised profusely and covered the bill for my food if I'd ever needed to do a moonlit flit.

There's definitely more to this than carpet (and I'm totally with you on that argument) , it does sound to me like she's struggling with a strong willed dc, or possibly one with some additional needs. Either way, I understand how stressful and isolating that can feel. Try and bear with her and maybe see her on your own so she can talk if she wants to.

Stokes · 23/11/2014 20:29

She sounds like a friend of mine who often reaches the end of her tether - DS has Asperger's (and yes, some days getting him dressed can take a fucking long time), husband unsupportive, genuinely just not enough hours in a day. She picks her battles, which is completely understandable in my book, knowing how often daily life pushes her to the brink.

She could've carried him over the carpet. She may have really needed that cup of tea and chat.

Friends before floors.

BOFster · 23/11/2014 20:29

Like fuck would you put up with that from a friend of yours, usual Grin.

StuntCodPiece · 23/11/2014 20:30

l8toys Mariah Carey has 3yr old twins Grin

Sparklypants · 23/11/2014 20:32

Rude, rude, rude!
I don't care what colour the carpets are, it's just good manners to not tromp dirt/wet through someone's home.

I have a very strong willed 3yr old and I wouldn't dream of it. He also has Dr marten boots that are a bugger to get on but I'd rather do that than mess up someone's new carpets.

YANBU!

usualsuspect333 · 23/11/2014 20:34

I don't give a fuck about my carpets,BOF.

MiddletonPink · 23/11/2014 20:37

If my normally " sweet, kind friend of 20 years ( 20 YEARS ) " whose child I know is difficult at the best of times did this I would be rushing to Herr house. I would be finding out what the fuck is going on.

You have cream carpets every where, this little incident today won't be the last one.

MiddletonPink · 23/11/2014 20:39

Herr Grin that would be her

PacificDogwood · 23/11/2014 20:45

I got a lot less precious about my cream carpets once a friend's dog puked on it Grin - a pink stain is still there for all to see.

We are still friends.

GaryShitpeas · 23/11/2014 20:46

I have so many friends like OPs friend who let small children dictate their lives and I decided I would no longer see them with their dc in tow

because I feel i would not be physically capable of keeping my mouth closed about what I think about their shit parenting

usualsuspect333 · 23/11/2014 20:48

The situation wouldn't have happened in the first place in my house.

If a mate came round and it was clear to.me that their 3 year old was on one,I I wouldn't insist they take their wellies off.

MiddletonPink · 23/11/2014 20:49

That's probably a good thing Gary for your friends

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/11/2014 20:50

No way on earth would I leave wet wellies on my child's feet then let them walk over carpet, let alone at someone else's house!

She's rude and thoughtless.

I have cream carpet throughout my house, 10 years old and marked in places but not covered in mud as dirty footwear has always been removed after walking through the door.

Who'd leave dirty wellies on their child?

Custardo · 23/11/2014 20:50

I think you need to redefine the perimeter s of your friendship. If you were great friends before kids, then why force it with kids, just don't do kids stuff.

usualsuspect333 · 23/11/2014 20:50

Everyone's a fucking perfect parent on MN.

MiddletonPink · 23/11/2014 20:52

Me neither usual.
Tbh if I knew my friend had a dc prone to strops I wouldn't have invited them round if I was adamant all shoes had to be off.
It's asking for trouble.

rootypig · 23/11/2014 20:52

It sounds as though she really struggles with containing a toddler's emotions and outbursts. Which is a vicious cycle, isn't it, because then they get worse, and you're even less able to cope.

Anyway I agree with a pp who said it sounds as though the friendship may have run its course. If you can't talk about these things, what can you talk about? Either you have a breakthrough now - laugh about this over a bottle of wine, compare parenting notes and stop having a go at each other - or you walk away.

TinyWishes · 23/11/2014 20:53

I would've taken my kids wet dirty shoes off!!! new carpets or not - it's respectful if the homeowner has asked.

Carrierpenguin · 23/11/2014 20:53

How long does it take to remove wellies?! If child won't oblige, lift child, pull wellies off, put child down. Thirty seconds max?!

Johnogroats · 23/11/2014 20:54

YASoNBU.

I am in London and yesterday after football I had 3 muddy boys in the house. Shoes and socks (staggeringly muddy) came off outsude front door. Then All clothes off (into washing machine), and then boys upstairs (over creamish) carpet...and into bath.

I suspect your friend woud think I was barking.

downbythelane · 23/11/2014 20:57

middleton yes me too. stokes I agree. Friends before floors, quite right.

If one of my friends reacted like that, I would know they were in a really bad place and would be worried about them and thinking about what I had missed.

I would probably be feeling a bit shit that I had been banging on about my precious carpets when there was obviously something else afoot that made fussing about carpets seem petty and trivial.

I sometimes find peoples' chats about friendships on here a bit bleak. Its like they are describing friendships but with out the love or the friendship bit.

BlueberryWafer · 23/11/2014 20:57

Yanbu, your friend is being silly! I wouldn't let my own or anyone else's DC walk over my carpets in their wellies!

Cuppachaplz · 23/11/2014 20:58

Surely, your house your rules.
I don't have carpets downstairs, and still wouldn't want wellies of all things worn indoors!
Seems an odd thing for her to get so emotional over? I'm not sure I would want yo throw away a long standing friendship over something so trivial without finding out if there is an underlying reason.
But then as you have tried, the ball us in her court a little.
Maybe let the dust settle and see what gives...

GaryShitpeas · 23/11/2014 21:01

lol. I am not a perfect parent and my dcs are not perfect but I don't accept shit behaviour from any of them. And I just can't be doing with ineffectual parenting esp if it means that friends pfb is going to trash my home while his parent just sits there and does fuck all

been there done that...doesn't mean I don't like my friends (just don't their offspring ;) ) I just feel that there is too much potential for fall outs. as has probably happened to OP