To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

YANBU. Your friend definitely sounds like she has something else going on. I think it's extremely rude not to respect other people's wishes when in their home.

Not taking your shoes of because the carpet is going to get dirty anyway, is like not washing the pots because they are going to be eaten off of again...

It's surely not that hard to take off a pair of wellies when visiting a friends home...

Just for information, we also live in London, and it is very easy to end up with muddy shoes especially in rainy weather like we experienced today. London has a lot of green space for a city. It isn't all paved streets and Tarmac.

"she would contact me when she had calmed down."

That is a sensible answer from her.

You're angry, she's equally angry, you both have reason.

You should have waited to calm down too before putting this on a public forum where she could identify herself and you.

I suggest you put something on here to show you appreciate her point of view as well, when you get to that point, in case she reads this - though I hope for your sake she never does as this thread would be almost impossible to forgive.

I think she must have more going on.

While that doesn't excuse her behaviour I would urge you not to end a long friendship over it.
I think there might be an element of envy involved and also it sounds like she has a hard work toddler. I have two very easy children and the was dealt a fucking hard work one third time round. Nothing can prepare you for how hard they are, I used to think it was all to do with the parenting until I had DC3.

I am pretty relaxed about shoes and carpets but even I would insist in no shoes in your circumstance.

I think I'm going to buy a pair of wellies purely for when I visit friends. It's what you do, isn't it!

Just trying to imagine what Violet Crawley in Downton would say...

I dislike the precious carpet brigade but regardless of the type of flooring, I wouldn't dream of trampling wet shoes through someone's home.

I wouldn't care what colour my carpets were or whether I even had carpet on my floor , no-one would be walking about inside with dirty/ wet wellies on .

YANBU re the carpet and the wellies. If this is a friend of twenty years standing surely she would know that you're likely to have a shoes off rule? It's not like she's only known you through a toddler club for a couple of weeks is it? What's the rule in her house? I only ask because I don't know of any of my friends who goes to someone's house and leave their shoes on. We take shoes off at the door so DS always removes his shoes, as do all his friends as their families have the same rule. And even the kids who come home from school for tea follow the rule without me having to ask as they follow DS's lead. I have never asked anyone to take shoes off in my life but no one has ever gone into my living room, where we have a light coloured carpet, with shoes on. And yes, we got the carpet when DS was a year old and yes it has had cough mixture, wee accidents when he was potty training, coffee spilt on it and has survived six birthday parties. But it still looks pretty good as it gets steam cleaned each year.

The point is this is a three year old you're talking about, not a stroppy six foot sixteen year old. You pick him up, remove the wellies and deal with the tantrum. All of us with kids have had tantrum days, I don't look down on my friends because they have a tantruming three year old and I would hope they wouldn't look down on me in the same situation. Three year old vs mummy - mummy wins. End of story. Otherwise you get the tantrum at seven or eleven or sixteen. You have to get control at some time and it has to be the earlier the better.

BUT YABU to have spoken direct to the child. It isn't your place to offer him what could be perceived as 'bribes'. Maybe her parenting way isn't to offer him anything to induce him and you've just stepped on her toes. I'd be pretty pissed off if my friend tried to show me a better way of parenting my own kid when I obviously felt pushed into a corner anyway. Sometimes you just have to button the lips. Maybe it would have been better if you had asked her if she wanted you to sit him on your lap whilst she took off the wellies or vice versa or if you could help in some way rather than dive right in.

Have skim read and 'two children' jumped out at me before I read your comment re ttc. She is jealous of you - that you have been 'allowed' two children.

Keep a distance and let her sort it out for herself - it's not your fault and she is taking it out on you.

She doesn't frequent MN, thinks its full of women with "too much time and bitchiness" on their hand !

She's got a point....

She is rude, I take my childrens shoes off in others peoples houses regardless of the colour of the carpet.

Esmum07 " Maybe it would have been better if you had asked her if she wanted you to sit him on your lap whilst she took off the wellies or vice versa or if you could help in some way rather than dive right in."

Absolutley

Well she's definitely been here at least once then

Well, given the unflattering details about her that have been freely shared here by a friend, she may have a point.

I too have had a Really Fucking Difficult Child, as a pp termed it. I would still have wrestled his wellies off him in a friends house with new carpets, be they white, black or sky blue pink with purple spots! And like PacificDogwood said, I'd have walked him home in socks if needs be. Alternatively I'd have said something like 'look, it's been a really bad day so far, I can't face another tantrum, can I come round with a bottle of wine later?'

Yes she may have been stressed to the eyeballs, but you don't say those sorts of things to a friend of 20 years and not feel bad about it unless you're really not their friend afterall. So OP I think YANBU and if she doesn't respond to apologise then you know where you stand - she's not that good a friend afterall, and you can safely let the friendship die.

I don't understand all this not taking shoes off business because I was taught to take my shoes off in people's homes. The only time I haven't is when I had to wipe my feet on the way out iyswim

Sorry, have only read to page 4 but am assuming the boy has wide feet/ high instep? it can be really bloody awful getting wellie boots on at that age if your feet don't conform. i know it was that way with my son.

YANBU at all, I have cream carpets and prefer if people remove their shoes. I have pride in my home and don't want them ruined. I also have 3 dc and my carpets are 2 years old and still perfect

and if any of my dc had refused to take their shoes off in anyone's house where they'd been asked to I'd remove themfor them. it wouldn't be an option to leave them on FFS. and anyway your mates dc is only 3 why the FUCK do people pussy foot around their brats and let them rule the roost

I also wonder if your friend is jealous of your new home

YABU - She seems to be struggling and may have reached the point of breaking when she got to your house. Re jealously over cream carpets - nope. Kids = wipe clean, cream carpets = Mariah Carey.

YANBU at all, we're a shoes on house but respect what other people do in their houses! And would have taken wet wellies off, shoe on house or not, the weather has been miserable today!

Also understand that she couldn't cope with the tantrum in the restaurant, but she should have had the decency to let you know, so you weren't sitting around waiting like a lemon...

She sounds like hard work to me, but I'd give it a couple of days to let things simmer down.

I'm with your mate.

Why would anyone not automatically remove wet / dirty footwear in any house - their own or anyone else's; new carpets or old? Because regardless of anything else, someone has to clean the mess.

And I think the ball is in her court. If she doesn't apologise pretty soon I'd consider the friendship over because of the rudeness and lack of respect.

This approach allows for her to have been having a stressful time but to have thought better of her behaviour on reflection.

You sound like you judge her and her parenting.

She will be better off without your 'friendship'