To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

Oh come on! The kid is difficult because she's a pushover and the restaurant behaviour was inexcusable no matter whether the kid had had 100 tantrums already that day.

I'm gobsmacked that anyone thinks it's ok to trail wet muddy Wellies through anyone's house , new carpet or not. She's very rude and unkind

Yanbu. No reasonable person expects to tramp round someone's house in muddy shoes. Rude. Plain and simple.

It sounds as though she thought (possibly correctly) that you were trying to circumvent her by addressing her son directly, which I can understand to a certain extent. If she was having a bad day with him, dealing with numerous meltdowns then perhaps someone else trying to persuade him was the last thing she needed. It might have been better to keep speaking to her rather than taking it upon yourself to try and persuade him to take them off himself as it might not have been an issue about taking them off so much as getting them back on later that she was trying to avoid.
It does sound as though you were unwilling to entertain a compromise (I would probably have gone for the option of giving the wellies a wipe to make sure they were clean myself, just to be accommodating) and perhaps didn't fully understand what she was trying to do.
However, it also sounds as though she was taking her difficult morning with her son out on you, which is unfair, but perhaps she had been really looking forward to coming round, venting a little and unwinding with you and when there was an added obstacle to that it was just one too many.
If she felt stressed enough that leaving seemed like her only option, she probably wasn't thinking objectively enough to say 'sorry I am so stressed out, we're having a really bad day I have to go' and instead was thinking 'why can't one person just do as I ask today FFS?' and bolted.
I hope you can make it up with her - it sounds like she could use a friend if she is finding things with her son difficult at the moment, so I hope you are both able to calm down a bit and reach a resolution.

haven't read whole thread - but she can't get the wellies off a three year old? That's all that was needed, he could have kept the rain gear on.

you don't walk into houses wearing wet wellies. I can't see even the most precious of indoor shoe-wearers complaining about that.

Cream carpets are a mad idea whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

There is a backstory to this.

and perhaps didn't fully understand what she was trying to do.

Sorry - just re-read this bit of my own post and realised that it sounds really odd! I just meant that maybe she had a 'long game' in mind whereby she had bargained with him over the wellies and could see it all being derailed if you insisted that he removed them.

If my friend of 20 years standing came to visit me, I wouldn't notice what footwear their 3 year old was wearing. Or care.

You were of course not being unreasonable to say no to muddy wellies in your house, but I would try to be more understanding towards your friend.

One of my 3 year old twins until fairly recently was a nightmare to get dressed and out and about. Totally stressful, a constant battle. Your friend sounds like she has had a stressful morning (probably a regular occurance!) and probably felt like her parenting was being judged. I think it's easy to be overly sensitive in a situation like that

The fact that the carpets are cream is beside the point.

I have hideous green carpets which are very old and worn. Even so, I don't want people traipsing through my home with wet outdoor shoes on
I don't see the problem with politely requesting that a guest remove their shoes before coming in. I would never dream of going into someone else's home wearing shoes, neither would I allow my children to.

It sounds like that maybe your friendship has run its course?

People do grow apart, they parent differently and that can be really divisive.

I think if I were you I'd ask myself how I'd feel if I saw her again: happy and eager to make up, or filled with dread and low?

I think the answer to that scenario has your answer to were you're going after this most recent incident.

There must be some minging carpets in some of your homes.

She's rude. I would never expect to let my kids wear wellies in someone's house, new carpet or no new carpet.

In your position I'd have suggested going straight out to the park or a cafe, try to diffuse the situation or compromise.

I'm not surprised you're cross.

MrsTerryPratchett "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys" might have come off as a passive aggressive dig at her parenting. When DD was a right PITA, I might have taken such an exchange as one

Yes Yes Yes
Nothing really to do with carpets or boots at all, you ignoring her and talking to the child was really disrespectful to her and it sounds as if she was really irritated by it

Your original request/rule not unreasonable

you ignoring her and wheedling to child very very unreasonable

YANBU
But
Some kids ARE difficult. Not excusing her but I think maybe she chose the only course of action she could trust herself with- leaving a situation that she had lost control in. Maybe she thought she might be even ruder to you if she stayed?

She's probably angry with herself. Don't know how you give her an 'out' on this - but I hope you laugh about it in five years OP

Its hard to take a kids wellies off?

I had very hard work toddlers (no 'biddable' kids for me, no siree ) and I had to chose my battles.
No way would I have gone in to anybody's house with whatever floor coverings with wet outdoor shoes on. It would have been either wrestle them off the child in question and wrestle them back on later or let them walk home in socks; I am not kidding OR I'd've made my excuses and left.

Yes, I am coming round to your side of the argument, OP.
YANBU.

OP I don't think you were unreasonable.

The colour of the carpet is irrelevant really, they are brand new throughout the house, were expensive, and you asked her to do something she has previously expected from other people in her own home.

It would have been impossible to keep her child in the kitchen, he would have wanted to go into other rooms, to your son's bedroom to play with the toys. It would have been very difficult to keep everyone cooped up in the kitchen and what would she have said if the boys wanted to go and play elsewhere? Especially as she found it so difficult to do anything about her DS wearing wellies inside in the first place? Would she have been up to a battle about where he went once he was inside?

We lived in a rented flat with cream carpets. We were obsessive about keeping them as clean as possible but after almost three years they did have some marked and grubby bits. It was impossible to avoid, as they were through the front hall and into the living room and both bedrooms.

We took our shoes off on the door mat, always ate at the dining table (which was already in the living room when we moved in as nowhere else to put one) but over all that time it was hard to avoid the carpet by the front door from getting wet or muddy at times and the occasional spill happened at the table.

The landlord had to send workmen in a few times too and you can't be precious about carpets when you've got someone rewiring your living room or coming and going to their van for tools to fix your plumbing.

They are the reason why I'd never have a cream carpet now, but I would expect people to respect a new one regardless of colour. We aren't overly precious about shoes being on or off now, we don't ask but some people just do. But I wouldn't expect people to keep on wet boots to walk about the house in. When we go to someone else's house, if they don't immediately ask us to take off our shoes, I offer to do so.

It does sound very much as if there are other issues going on, and I wouldn't like to guess what they are. But only you can decide whether it's worth trying to save your friendship or not. And I suspect the only way you can do that is by having a difficult but necessary conversation about what the real issue is.

Your friend sounds rude and selfish. So many things have been pointed out on this thread: she's having a hard time, she isn't pregnant and you are, the OP shouldn't have cream carpets, etc. How ridiculous. Even if all of those factors were at play there is no excuse for refusing to take a child's muddy boots off before going into the house - new carpets or not. Of course the carpets will become grubby eventually but since when did that mean it's fine to traipse all over it with muddy boots? She should have taken the wellies off and if she was having such a bad day with the wellies being a main issue then perhaps she should have left the house visit for another day and suggested a walk or something.

Sometimes we can excuse outbursts from friends but she's actually followed it up with further insults.

I wouldnt be impressed with anyone expecting to enter my house with muddy welliies on, regardless of the state of the soft furnishings and carpet.

It's basic manners, IMO. Your friend was expecting too much, and was v rude to you as well. But I wouldn't drop 20 years if I could help it. So I might leave it a few days and call her ( Not text) and say " how are you, what a nightmare with the wellies, do you want to meet for a drink one evening?"

If she bats you away again, then so be it. You've tried, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a child or adult to remove muddy boots. Unless they are used to a team of servants:) she knew- so why did she create the situation which could only end badly? It's hardly news to her he won't take his boots off! And you would say he must. Toddler (1) parent (0)

I think the problem here is that the friend is struggling to cope with her child's behaviour and felt the OP was being unsupportive of her in that. She was probably also afraid that the kid would do as the OP said re taking off the shoes - thus reinforcing her negative feelings about herself as a parent. It's all about her and not you OP. I think it's up to you to decide whether can you be bothered with this. She needs help and support but it won't be easy to give that in the face of her hostility.

Sounds like she expected you to pander to her PFB so he wouldn't have a tantrum. You didn't pander. She had a tantrum.

It doesn't matter how bad her morning might have been, you take the muddy wellies off the toddler before they enter the house. Any house, any flooring. Wellies! It is weird you had to ask her. If the toddler objects too much, you pick them up and remove the wellies yourself. Same with putting them back on actually.

Maybe she has started to realise she has created a rod for her own back by caving to tantrums. Maybe she has realised this has scuppered her chances of a second child. Maybe it is very very difficult to break out of the cycle once the child has learned that tantrums work. Maybe seeing you, pregnant with your second child, refusing to cave to a toddler, made her well up with fury that came spilling out.

YANBU.

But still, text her to ask what's up and does she need to talk about anything.

Thesaurusgirl your post made me roar
There seems to be a strange assumption that people aspire to be upper class. That's obviously breeding, not something you can aspire to, and furthermore, Who gives a shit what the u's do?

I have ivory carpets although only upstairs and my SIL (3 DCS) has the same through most of her house. It's pretty easy as you can bleach out any stains

Oh and I agree OP maybe leave her a few days and try and have a proper chat about it. Seems she has a lot going on.