To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

fog I live the notion that taking off wellies at someone else's house (left alone someone else's brand new house) is an 'unexpected thing'

And actually I disagree, avoiding flash points is one thing, but avoiding flash points which seriously inconvenience another person or potentially damage their valuable properly is bad parenting.

Is she trying to buy a house? London you said??

How ridiculous (and snobbish to boot) to make this into a class thing. My sister's MIL is proper titled landed gentry and she makes you take shoes off. What on earth do people think boot rooms are for, FGS?

Nobody seriously let's their kids run around the house in wellies that have just been worn outside do they? Let alone someone else house. MN is weird sometimes.

I agree with her leaving when her toddler was tantrumming and I agree with her letting natural consequences deal with inappropriate clothes. The bathing, paying and letting her child wear wellies indoors are not OK in my book. However, everyone's books are different and sometimes this stage of life, with small children is a test of friendship.

My old place had a much looser no shoe rule (think cream carpets but 5 years old) but I'd have still asked them both to remove boots on a wet day when they turned up in dirty wellies.

Friend is a lot more lax than I am about cleanliness and she has wooden floors but ironically when her floors were new [not since her son arrived] we used to remove high heels if we went over in-case they dented the floor.

I had fucking forgotten about that!!!

my issue even back then was how she dealt with her child.

Leaving you without saying a word, very rude. But how she dealt with her child in that situation isn't really your issue to have is it? Maybe she finds parenting a hell of a lot harder than you do.

Mammanat222 maybe ask yourself honestly if you're using this latest event to end the friendship?

Crying about taking tiny willies off....

But your house your rules as they say.

Though it sounds like she's struggling with her child. You might see it as the child ruling but perhaps hi behaviour is really stressful and difficult to deal with and it just feels to her she's fighting battles all the time. And worrying why he's really hard work.

Sorry for the typo I meant when her floors were new [long before her son arrived]

I think what's happened is she knows you don't like her parenting, the talking to him made her feel small and shit and she overreacted.

I've got wooden floors and I don't let people in my lounge in wellies.
Friend was rude, ignore her

Look, I am totally prepared to hold my hands up and say I must be utterly, utterly wrong about all of this.

This is just one of those situations that utterly baffles me.

It does sound as though there is history, and the friendship has been on rocky ground for a while. It happens, OP. People grow apart, and it's sad and upsetting briefly, but it's something you'll both get over. Friendships don't actually have to last forever. If you and she no longer see eye to eye, and it sounds as though there have been times when she's behaved really badly.

I hope that you have a nice evening, with maybe some nice food and wine and a film and just try to cut it off as being something from the past.

'I have met friend on numerous occasions when her child is not properly dressed for the weather - think wellies in summer / no coat in winter because he hasn't wanted to wear weather suitable clothing.'

You're really getting in the swing of this friend bashing OP. Wellies in summer, how shocking!

Is it really normal behaviour to leave in the middle of lunch - starters on the table - without even saying to your friend, who is the only other person you are with

"sorry I am so stressed out, we're having a really bad day I have to go"

She just left???

Maybe this needs its own AIBU lol??

I think your friend was being unreasonable and I would leave the ball firmly I her court with regards to further contact.

I was sympathetic to you, until I read your last post.

I have a regularly behaved child and a Really Fucking Difficult child. They are very, very different.

She may have upped and left the meal that day and it may have 'hut been a tantrum' to you, but it may have been the 10th one that day after zero sleep because he screams at night.

All kids are different and some are reat fucking hard work. And not all parents cope as well as others.

You said yourself her husband didn't want more kids because of how difficult the first is.

And you're suggestion of her 'facilitating the child's behaviour' is more than likely her picking her battles because every minute of every day is a battle.

I have a child like hers.

I feel for her.

Break off the friendship because you'll be doing her a favour.

Poor woman.

Perhaps OP if the two of you can get past this incident it would be good universe to an adults only friendship?

Your friend clearly has some issues. I wonder if she didn't take your asking her to get his boots off (for which btw YANBU) as a sore point, because she knows he would play up and maybe embarrass her. Maybe others have told her she panders to him and she's sensitive about it, and interpreted your request as criticism. When in fact, it was nothing to do with her, it was about your carpets. I'm stunned she thought it would be ok to merely wipe his boots and walk around on a brand new carpet in them. She has a cheek tbh.

Perhaps she desperately wants a second child and this has put her on the edge, and she is overreacting to everything child-related.

I think, wait for the dust to settle and send her an 'are you ok' type text. Because she massively overreacted. Storming out of an old friend's new house because she's been asked to remove her child's dirty boots? That's very odd behaviour imo.

sounds like she was unreasonable but reading your OP and subsequent replies make me really feel for her. I dunno, she sounds really tired and ground down and when life gets like that everything gets exhausting and small things can blow out of proportion really quickly. If she were my friend I wouldn't be gunning for an apology at all- that attitude will just box her in even further. I would just try to be kind. If you are in a good place you can be generous to her and try to understand that if she is reacting inappropriately to something like your request, she is probably really struggling.

She ''walked out of lunch when her son was about 18 months and having a tantrum.. She went home shock, not only leaving me to pay but leaving me to figure out for myself that she wasn't coming back as she didn't call me / answer my calls.''

Wow! There is no excuse for this IMO. Jesus. How hard would it have been to say sorry mamm.

So it is basically a disagreement between you about parenting. You both probably let your dislike of the way each other does things rise up a bit too close tithe surface.

I don't agree with the way that some of my friends parent and no doubt they don't agree with me, but with those I really care about I bite my tongue and rant later to DH. It really is the kiss of death to a friendship to be openly hostile to someone's parenting style (as I said earlier, she is just as, if not more guilty of this IMO).

If you really value her friendship, stick to adults only meet ups till this phase is over. But don't let it fester, otherwise you'll end up with a proper barney where you both say things you can't get back from.

For the person who wondered about Shoes On households, my house is pretty clean thanks for asking. I don't have carpets anywhere except bedrooms.

I also keep this thing by the door called "a doormat" as well as owning such items as mops and vacuum cleaners.

Really bad behaviour to let a 3yo in someone else's house in wet muddy boots.

People saying not to give a friendship up over boots/carpet are missing the point. It isnt about boots/carpet. She would be giving the friendship up over her friend ignoring her wishes and having absolutely no respect for her new property. And being rude.

Your friend sounds like she may be having a hard time BUT that is no excuse. She could have asked you to remove the child's shoes for her if it was too much hassle for her.

Sounds like she is having a really tough time with her son. Which may be because she is a terrible parent but more likely because she has a hugely strong willed child.

YANBU about wet wellies off inside though