aibu to think people shouldnt use dog related comments if a child is on reins/ hand loop etc.

[itispersonal]

In the city centre today with my just 20 mo dd. She had been in her stroller but was gettin bored and likes walking but likes to her own thing ie go into direction she wants.

Didn't have normal reins with us so boughta through the hand one.

Her and I were shopping in children's clothes part of store. I stopped, did tell dd we were but she carried on so her hand pulled her back and she wobbled into some clothes.

A woman close by says "have you not taught her to heel yet?"

Aibu to think even if she meant it light hearted she shouldn't say it. I know people don't necessarily like them and I do mostly hold my dds hand whilst she is in the reins etc as that is what I want her to learn to do but shopping places are busy places and I'd rather her not get lost when she can't even talk yet.

Also my dm looks after my dd so my dm feels better with her in them.

Also if we can be nice as the only reason we were in shopping centre on a Saturday was to get us all out of the house and needed some clothes for a funeral as earlier this month we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my df

God, I'm such a lazy parent, wanting to keep my toddler safe in crowds and next to busy roads.

Like almost everyone else, I used reins while teaching DS to also hold hands, not run off or to hold the pushchair. But, like most nearly three year olds, he has crap impulse control, and is prone to fits of pique at having to go places or do things he would prefer not to. So in order to prevent him getting killed or lost, I put him in reins. It's almost as if I care about his safety.

If that's not making a mountain out of a molehill...
Woman made a joke, you're overreacting.

YABU.

So sorry for your loss. Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to pregnancy and small children. Like all of us you'll have millions of examples of rude, crazy
nonsense from complete strangers.
Its just that today you, completely u
derstandably, weren't in the frame of
mind to give it the disregard it
deserved. Also I loved reins, not only did they keep DS safe now that we've finished with them he's actually a much more safety conscious wee guy than a lot of his non rein peers

Mine walked at 10.5 months old. How do you teach a 1 year old (which is the age she got her shoes and started walking outside more regularly) that she shouldn't run away? Even at 16 months old, she doesn't have much sense yet and I would rather she was safe.

Reins are a lazy way of parenting.

IMO it's lazy not to be aware that under-3s simply don't have the cognitive skills to understand, for example, the consequences of a single lapse in attention or road safety.

Neither do they yet have the attentional processing skills to be properly aware of events happening outside their field of concentration (eg. research shows that they literally can't see or hear that car approaching down the road if they are looking at a tempting balloon, because they are far less able than adults to process events outside of their immediate visual or auditory field).

Neither have they the visual recognition skills to judge the speed of oncoming traffic remotely accurately (in fact research has showed that it is well into the teens before children have developed this skill with accuracy).

For all these reasons, my toddler is on reins anywhere near roads. It's nothing to do with teaching them how to be safe. You're simply kidding yourself if you think your under-3 can be taught failsafe road safety and that that's somehow a marker of parenting skill.

bigbluestar

I'm interested to know what you consider to be the better alternative when you have a child who is a bolter, or two children who are bolters as was my case!

I used reins at times and I can tell you that my days felt anything but lazy! Having the reins meant that we could walk everywhere safely rather than having to take the car or strapping the boys into a stroller, which were the other alternatives I could see.

What was the other, non-lazy, option I was unaware of?

I live in the us. Today we were in hipster Brooklyn and you can only imagine the looks I got from others due to my son being in reins. Quite frankly my son is not safe walking without them and I am being a responsible parent by using them. Until those that pass judgment are paying my mortgage and putting time in to raise my child they have no business getting involved.

OP sorry to hear about your DF. Don't ever apologize for doing chores or for raising your child the best way you know how. A good parent is one who cares about their children and tries the best they can to be the best parent possible. This is what we are doing when we put our children in reins. The woman made a joke at the wrong time and I would have ignored her. People were pointing at me today and I just ignored them and enjoyed my time with DS.

So Bigbluestar, what would you do if your child doesn't have the cognitive skills to understand what will happen if they walk in front of a car?

"IMO it's lazy not to be aware that under-3s simply don't have the cognitive skills to understand, for example, the consequences of a single lapse in attention or road safety.

Neither do they yet have the attentional processing skills to be properly aware of events happening outside their field of concentration (eg. research shows that they literally can't see or hear that car approaching down the road if they are looking at a tempting balloon, because they are far less able than adults to process events outside of their immediate visual or auditory field).

Neither have they the visual recognition skills to judge the speed of oncoming traffic remotely accurately (in fact research has showed that it is well into the teens before children have developed this skill with accuracy).

For all these reasons, my toddler is on reins anywhere near roads. It's nothing to do with teaching them how to be safe. You're simply kidding yourself if you think your under-3 can be taught failsafe road safety and that that's somehow a marker of parenting skill."

cherub- you misunderstand me. I agree with all the above. No 3 year old can have road safety skills.

It is my job as a parent to keep a child safe. I choose to do that without reins.

lambsie- as my PP states- my children don't have the cognitive skills to keep themselves safe near a road. It is my job to keep them safe. I can do that without tying them to a dog lead.

I used them with all of my children, and I never paid any attention to judgey smartie pants people. My feelings on them have always been the same, they make them for children, so what's wrong with using something that is marketed at made specifically for kids and it's either those or the huge possibility of your child getting run over.

And also when you have X amount of children under 5, it is very hard to watch them all at once, at all times. They have me complete peace of mind that my child was safe, should she bolt.

You will always get people that will comment on your parenting, you use them, you get the odd nutter with an opinion and if you don't you will get an opinion because your child has had a near miss. I have had both, and quite frankly I would rather simply that my child was safe.

I plan on using them when my youngest starts walking and if people don't like it, it's their issue, not mine . Who are these people that have enough hours in the day to constantly look down upon others anyway? -people with no life's of their own, that's what!

It is my job to keep them safe. I can do that without tying them to a dog lead.

I'm genuinely interested in how you do that. Honestly!
The reins thing doesn't seem perfect to me, but I could never see a better alternative. I now have #3 on the way and if she turns out to be a bolter like her brothers I'd like to know what you did that was the better alternative. If you please?

Unless you have a profoundly disabled older child you have no understanding about the choices I have.

I practiced AP , my children didn't bolt. If reins are so essential why do most parents not use them?

silver-fish.hubpages.com/hub/Preventing-Toddlers-From-Running-Off

Do you realise the link you just posted says that harnesses and wrist bands are helpful?

What is AP?

without tying them to a dog lead

Ah that's where you are going wrong, they have specially designed ones for children so you don't need to use dog leads. The purpose though is the same so do you object to dogs being on a lead too?

Dd1 was generally good but circumstances were against her. When she was a toddler I was on crutches with SPD. I couldn't run so it was either go out on reins or stay home. That was the only way I could keep her safe. As she grew older I had a baby and then a toddler to battle with and occasionally she did run off. That was when the reins would come out of the pushchair and she would learn not to run off. I didn't need them with the younger two because dd2 was a cautious wee thing who wouldn't leave my side. Ds had no younger siblings so he had all my attention.

If I had just had the youngest two then I might have felt that reins were unnecessary, just as I might have felt that parents exaggerated when they said that their baby didn't sleep during the day. Thankfully I do have my dd1 who has grown into a delightful, thoughtful and caring child and has talked fondly about her reins and never runs onto the road (unlike some of her non-rein wearing friends).

I did ALL of the things in that link, and to be fair to them, my boys were very good 90% of the time. But the 10% of the time when they decided to run in opposite directions, or chase something that caught their attention, or suddenly decide that "it's a race to the car" etc etc etc could have been fatal.

The majority of parents I see don't use reins because they strap their children into pushchairs (which is no less like harnessing a dog than putting reins on really) which I personally don;t like and can't see why it is any less lazy?

If you ever speak to a child-spychologist about your memories of feeling like a dog, you'll find they'll explain to you that those sorts of associations are applied after that fact even though they feel as much like a genuine memory as any other. It's really a very adult concept.

I think if you used reins and made no attempt to also teach your child then that might be lazy, but if you know that your child/children are simply not 100% reliable around roads then I think that reins are a much less lazy option than the other safe options.

Both my kids have been confident walkers before they were 1, and before that, were carried everywhere in a sling (I hate mucking about with buggies).

DS1 had reins because he was inclined to bolt off, and he loved going for walks, and my back just couldn't take being constantly bent over holding his hand - not that he tolerated holding my hand anyway - I had to force him when crossing the road. Not a problem now he's 4 (although he would still bolt if frightened)

DS2 I haven't needed the reins, he doesn't run off, he happily holds my hand, and when shocked his first thought is to grab my leg rather than run.

TBH the only comments I used to get with DS1 were that they didn't understand why so few parents used them these days.

Different kids, different needs, same parent.

Strangely enough I've never had to scrape a toddler off the Tarmac who was wearing reins. I have been out to a few whose parents said 'he's never run into the road before'. You can never say 100% that your toddler will not dash into the road so on balance, reins are an indication of sensible thoughtful and responsible parenting.

Same NCIS I watched a small boy run in front of a taxi in Notting Hill - he chased a pigeon out of the shop he was in with his mother.
He was a regular customer who I saw nearly every day out and about walking calmly with his mum.
He was OK - the taxi just nudged him, but his mother was hysterical and the poor taxi driver was in shock.
I think that probably coloured my thinking on the reins issue.

chunder- AP helps. I really don't understand your comment about privilege.

This reminds me of the parents I was speaking to who said that they never used the word 'No' to their child. They just redirected the negative energy he was using and channelled it into more positive paths.
Some people will always see reins as slave shackles and treating a child like an animal, and there will never be common ground with those that use them for whatever purpose. Even if their use makes sense to the majority of us on a situation by situation basis.
No point in attempting to reason with the evangelical, they know they are right.

How does it help? I would love to find a way of making my 8 year old understand that walking in front of a car can kill you.