to ask people not to touch toddlers not related to them?

[evalyn]

Out yesterday with DGC. DGC walking, within grabbing distance, but not holding hands. Middle aged woman, 'Aah, gorgeous!', gently ruffles DGC's hair, smiles broadly at me. DGC shrinks away. I say to this woman, 'Yes, but you shouldn't touch, please.' Woman sniffs, nose in air, walks off in huff.

AIBU to think that even 2-year-olds have the right not to be touched at all, however affectionately, by strangers? And to be really annoyed that this woman thinks she has the right to ruffle my DGC's hair like that?

It's a sad time we live in.
It seems everyone is a potential pedophile or a walking talking bio hazard.

I must say I'll probably think twice before physically helping a random child and I don't like myself for thinking that.

I didn't like being touched as a toddler- I made it clear, to the embarrassment of my mother! If they don't like it you will know. I would say in 99% of cases it is the mother doesn't like it.

The sad result is that if anyone sees a lost toddler in tears they wouldn't dare help.

I think I would help as an older woman- a man would be mad to get involved - sad.

When DS was a baby he used to get his cheeks pinched regularly.
Now he's older it's migrated more to hair ruffling, although the cheeks do still get it occasionally.

He has suspected ASD so his reactions can vary hugely but I never react, other than to quietly reassure him. It's normal, natural, human interaction and I want him to carry on being exposed to it, not reinforce his fear.

Plus, I love it! Who doesn't love people complimenting their child? I mean, admittedly it happens to me more than most because my DS really is impossibly cute () but I never get tired of it. I can't count the amount of times during the first year, when I was bordering in PND, that such a small thing really lifted my out of the glums.

About 6/7 months ago a lady in front of us at the check out was ruffling his hair and pretending to steal a curl. Then she gave him 50p for it. It was the first time he had ever happily and properly interacted with a stranger. To her it was obviously a throw-away thing she does every day but for me, and for DS, it is a memory I will keep forever. It still makes me well up now. [sad twat emoticon]

So, whoever it was upthread, can't remember the name sorry, who says she won't do it anymore, please don't stop just becuase of one person. Who knows maybe she had her own issues, maybe she was just in a foul mood, either way she is in the minority. Please don't stop doing something so natural and instinctive. Who knows, you may have given someone a memory as nice as mine.

I agree with Show. I know my Dad would be exactly the same.

I wouldn't personally do this to a child I didn't know. But honestly I think you are being a bit precious and silly. The woman did no harm and you were there.

Ps *Ottillia, I'm right there with you. At a baby group I was at during the week a child tripped over a train track thing in front of me and fell over. The child was very distressed but the parent was nowhere to be seen. I was torn in two, do I scoop up the child and ask if they are ok and rub their sore head/knee/arm or totally ignore for fear of being told off or given the cold shoulder? I'm extremely maternal need to get a grip so it was hard for me to ignore. In the end I didn't physically touch the child but bend down next to them and reassured them. We had a good game of trains in the end [grins]. I wanted to give them a massive cuddle, though. It's hard.

I often don't like being touched. I very nearly told a colleague to fuck off reacently when she rubbed my arm while admiring my jumper

My DS1 really doesn't like being touched, and was very wary of people he didn't know as a toddler - he certainly wouldn't have wanted his head touched.

BUT DS and I both have to go out into the real world of school/work/town ect...and guess what...there are other people there, and occasionally we may be touched. It's their way of interacting. We have to deal with it.

I think the no touching thing is very British. People in other countres wouldn't think twice about chubbing a toddlers cheeks, and on more than one occasion random people elderly family freinds pressed "silver" into my DCs hand as a baby....oh, the horror, oh the germs!!!! Of course I wouldn't ever have told such a person not to touch. They were being kind and friendly and were usually sightly tipsy.

And sometimes the seconds you stand and wonder if it's really your place to help because you can't help but physically remove child from the danger can be the crucial ones.

It's sad.

Thanks for nice comments about my poor, shaken FIL. The thing is, I don't actually know which child and mother was involved from their descriptions, which were a bit generic - their description of the toddler was that he had tightly-cut blonde hair, which doesn't describe any of the children in the group, though it's possible one of the several longer-haired blonde kids has had a hair cut in the week since I last saw them.

It's also just possible that the ILs, both of whom are quite deaf, got the wrong end of the stick completely. I'll ask one of the women I'm closer to if they saw what happened.

(My own toddler doesn't like being touched, but has no problem making his feelings felt, at about a million decibels. It would be a brave person who moved in for a second hair-ruffle.)

I had a really good reason for not wanting random people to touch my baby, but I still didn't tell them off. He has/had a respiratory problem which means every cold resulted in respiratory distress + hospital so we had to be v careful to avoid colds (he wasn't allowed to go to nursery/mix with other children). I only stopped people from touching him if they were coughing at him, and explained that he was v vulnerable, otherwise I just waited until they had gone and slathered antibacterial gel all over him as I don't want to upset well-meaning people who are usually telling me how gorgeous my baby is.

So yes, I think you over-reacted.

OTOH I do teach my children that their bodies are their own and if they don't want to kiss someone, they don't have to.

NRTFT but I'm behind you OP I hate it when strangers touch my DS...

I know I'm in the minority for having a problem with it, he's fine with it, but it just really annoys me... It's not like anyone would go and ruffle a 12year olds hair, so why the need to do it cos he's 2?

He meets plenty of people he knows to share germs with, build up immunity and social skills... Random strangers petting him just aren't necessary to our world and annoy me.

Anyway...

It is a UK problem- other countries simply wouldn't understand OP.

They don't do it to 12 yr olds because they have personal space issues and they may be polite and put up with it. Toddlers don't have personal space issues and if they don't like it they don't understand being polite - they make it clear.

It is the 'unnecessary' things that make the world a pleasant place- if we stuck to 'necessary' it would be very cold and boring!

They also don't do it to 12 yr olds because 12 yr olds don't elicit the same responses as babies and toddlers, i.e. they're nowhere near as cute.

Your DGC therefore your decision. However I'd advise you don't go to Southern Europe or the Middle East on vacation. Babies and toddlers are routinely passed round, admired and hugged particularly by women. I found it disconcerting at first but DD loved the geniune and heartfelt attention.

As I say, I don't like it.

And perhaps it's necessary for making your world pleasant... But it's just not something that brings anything but annoyance to me.

But as you say, your son doesn't have a problem with it, and that's the main thing.

Well I don't think it is really, when he's older he can decide things for himself, but whilst still a tot I think it's perfectly within a mothers/grandmothers right to make the call on whether something does/doesn't happen with her child. He can learn decision making with known, and trusted people before we start with random strangers...

Who usually appear by bus stops delaying us from getting on much needed buses

Really? How utterly incredibly rude of you. How extremely terrifying that you did not have the toddler holding your hand or otherwise attached to you. Have you ever had a child run off? Are you confident you could catch DGC before he headed into the traffic?

I work in a large store and see hoards of badly behaved children each day. the number of small children who dart off when mummy/daddy/granny et al are looking at (say) Christmas cards and vanish into the very busy, well stocked store is quite stunning. I often interact with small children who are in my section, or waiting just outside for someone to return from the loo and nobody has ever been offended or rude to me. sometimes it is clear the kid does not want to interact back and that is fine, but the majority of the ones who do interact want, at some point, to touch. Touch is a natural human desire. Does your DGC ever get touched at home? If you really find this a problem, perhaps you should keep him away from all other human beings and simply take him out in the dead of night when there is less chance of a lovely lady giving him a compliment and ruffling his hair.

Hair ruffling won't make him bald when he's older, in case that is what is worrying you.

There's nothing I can say to that that wouldn't sound like trite bollocks so I won't even try.

You knows I luvs ya x

And I know why perfect strangers were so often so affectionate to Billie. It's because she, as all your children, is utterly beautiful. You and that husband of yours make some damn fine looking offspring!

Hear hear, Mrs DV.
that is putting things into perspective.

Thank you for posting the story of your brave and beautiful DD.